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DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

338 replies

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 10/05/2025 02:01

I can't begin to describe how revolting your DH and MIL are. I'd refuse to have sex with him ever again and I'd be telling MIL to keep her beak out of your marriage. Yuck x 1000.

VoltaireMittyDream · 10/05/2025 01:54

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 09/05/2025 21:41

Can’t believe 6% of people think you are being unreasonable 🙄🙄🙄

Hit YABU by accident - I can’t take it back! Don’t lose your faith in humanity, some of us just have fat thumbs.

Comtesse · 10/05/2025 01:44

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

I didn’t like the sound of him from the OP but this makes it even worse. What a thoughtless, manipulative, shaming git he is.

PeloMom · 10/05/2025 01:44

LoveIndubitably · 09/05/2025 21:01

This. Please actually do this (or tell him you have).
He's either stupid beyond belief for not understanding, or vile to be pushing you into things he knows you don't want.

Don’t even tell him. Tell him you have a special surprise for him and he’ll find out when you get there. Then just enjoy the screams while he gets waxed. What an idiot!

coxesorangepippin · 10/05/2025 01:32

It's just so gross, he got his mother involved too

🤯

Noshadelamp · 10/05/2025 00:48

MrsKeats · 09/05/2025 22:18

Ok now it's even worse.
He is comparing his ex to you after birth.
How is that ok? It's vile.

Trying to manipulate op by comparing his ex after birth, so gross. He sounds emotionally abusive tbh

Rabidbunnyrabbit · 10/05/2025 00:46

Oh my good fucking god.

Such fucking creepy vibes. I don't know if I am the only one but I'm really worried about what would have happened if you'd gone to the actual room. This is making me shudder. Did you go to the room? Did he put up any resistance to leaving at the time. I don't like this at all.

I don't know how I'd ever forgive my DH if he did such a thing. I would have kicked him out instantly. If you haven't, you're a more forgiving person than I could ever be. MIL would never even see my child again if I could help it and I'd not speak to her again either.

Basically, I'd go full scorched earth.

To be pressing you for sex before your body has time to heal and when you've told him no already. No, actually, to be PRESSURISING you for sex...full fucking stop.
Just how soon after you gave birth did he start that. Oh, yuk.

Sorry, too much swearing but I am so angry for you.

Fucking hell, there's another one. 🤢🤮🤬

User839516 · 10/05/2025 00:42

I hope you manage to work this out OP if that’s what you want, but honestly, I would find this so hard to forgive. The complete disregard for you as a person, treating you like some sex doll he can dress up and have his way with, pretending you haven’t just had a baby. Comparing you unfavourably to his ex (who I’m willing to bet wasn’t up for it straight after childbirth but just didn’t have as strong boundaries as you so went along with it and resented him for being so uncaring and who knows maybe that’s one of the reasons they broke up). He sounds awful OP, he values himself more than you. That’s not what love looks like in my experience. I hope you can experience it properly one day.

EllasNonny · 10/05/2025 00:34

Please show the fucking idiots this thread. WTF were they thinking? This definitely wasn't for your benefit.

Codlingmoths · 10/05/2025 00:28

Alicia is just a made up name for his previous partner by the way

Codlingmoths · 10/05/2025 00:28

Ugh to comparing you to his previous partner too, is there any part of this he hasn’t fucked up?! Do you think you could call his mum, say you know she meant well, but you feel humiliated that your dh has complained to her about your sex life, he’s compared my recovery to Alicia’s, and he bought me skimpy underwear at least a size too small that I’m never ever getting into, so he’s out sulking now, probably at the pub, but if you’re talking to him about our sex life again, tell him men who buy women underwear they don’t want and doesn’t fit and compare them negatively to their previous partner may never have sex again. Thats probably all you need to say…

LilacPony · 10/05/2025 00:17

My god, I’m so sorry.

We’ve had several rows about it this week
My suggestion would be to stop the rows, write it down instead. Succinctly address what the issues are (the fact you’ve already told him you’re not ready to either leave your child or have sex) and how a surprise like this wasn’t truly for your benefit, it was for his benefit. The fact that he needs to listen to you (you. are. not. ready.) and anything else you want to address. And how you think the two of you can move forward. To the point. Give it to him, paper/email/text whatever works for you. Anytime he brings it up, refer him to the message. Don’t have a row, it’s not good for your MH.

Rabidbunnyrabbit · 10/05/2025 00:15

candycane222 · 09/05/2025 20:49

Book him something he doesn't want (crochet lessons? A full body wax?) and call him an ungrateful bastard when he turns it down.

Absolutely.

How about a night in a beautiful private hospital with free vasectomy?

YYYDlilah · 10/05/2025 00:07

Everyone is different and it’s grim to compare you to his ex.
Imagine if you compared him to an ex.

Leafy3 · 10/05/2025 00:01

sprigatito · 09/05/2025 20:51

What the hell were you supposed to be grateful for? None of this was for your benefit. MIL wanted to play Mummy with your baby, and H wanted to dress you up like a sex doll and have a dirty weekend whether you felt up to it or not.

They are both revolting, and you are not unreasonable to be hurt and angry. Don’t let them bamboozle you into thinking any of this is your fault.

This

He a selfish knob. Sorry you're having to deal with all while caring for a newborn.

TwistedWonder · 09/05/2025 23:58

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

Everyone is different and it’s grim to compare you to his ex.

I had an emergency section and it took me months before I wanted my DH anywhere near me

One of my friends said she was desperate for sex within a few days of giving birth and fell pregnant within a few weeks - there’s 10 months between her DC.

But regardless of anything, a grown man and his mum making a secret plan to get him a shag with his unsuspecting new mum wife is just 🤢

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 09/05/2025 23:57

MeridianB · 09/05/2025 21:17

Here is the MIL lingerie shopping thread. The DH’s sister was in on it, too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5318641-awkward-shopping-trip-with-mil

JFC that is gross, him talking to his mother about their sex life is bad enough but the MIL taking her shopping for sexy underwear is too hideous for words. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t ever have had sex with him again on that basis.

mrlistersgelfbride · 09/05/2025 23:56

I don't normally like this phrase, but I've got massive ick for you that your husband was talking to his mum about your sex life and they planned this together behind your back. What a turn off!

So sorry OP.
The pair of them are idiots.

Uberella · 09/05/2025 23:54

I’m actually speechless.

Your husband is a cunt.

TwistedWonder · 09/05/2025 23:54

Knittedfairies2 · 09/05/2025 20:48

Your husband and his mother are idiots.

First post nails it

So your DH wants a shag and he’s dressed it up as ‘a treat for you’

Pair of muppets

CagneyNYPD1 · 09/05/2025 23:51

What is wrong with people?

A grown man discussing his sex life with mummy. Cooking up a plan together to get his post-partum wife back in the mood. And he is comparing his DW to his ex.

Oh dear, oh dear. You have a DH alright@BeccaBoo9- a DickHead living in your house.

I would be having very stern words. Then I would tell him that I would be going this stay with my own family for a few days, with the baby, so that I could be looked after while I think about what I want from the relationship.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 09/05/2025 23:50

I mean... being pressurised into servicing someone's peen pretty sexy in itself. But he even went to the length of getting his mother involved. Not sure how you managed to resist!

Why can't these men just have a wank? It's hardly rocket science.

Congratulations on your new baby btw OP.

Justmovehousethen · 09/05/2025 23:48

I wouldn’t be happy with that.

Even though I went back to work full time when my eldest was 20 weeks old. WTAF was I thinking.

Deckings · 09/05/2025 23:43

He'll be lucky if you ever look at him again.
I would be packing up and going to visit family.
His obvious discussion of your private relationship would give me a permanent ick.

Blackcountrychik83 · 09/05/2025 23:37

Pinkelephant66 · 09/05/2025 20:52

are you the same person whose MIL tried to take underwear shopping… to ‘treat’ the husband i.e her son?

I was trying to think of a similar thread I read recently that sounded like this one …