DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

He sounds like a massive knobhead. Ignore the women hating women going on about being a SAHM you didn’t know this would happen. I hope everything works out for you, you and your daughter deserve it. Can you get family or friends to help when communicating with him? Do they know what hes like?

If you own the business 50/50, you should be thinking of it as “our” business rather than “his” business.

Assert yourself more OP, you can no longer be a lady of leisure and need to be proactive in moving your life forward, without your DH.

Don’t focus or waste your energy on the things you can’t control, like whether he introduces OW to your DD, it’s up to him who he allows around her.

Spend your time preparing for going back to work, organising what you need in terms of childcare, CMS and divorcing this man once you’ve worked out all the above.

This is why women are always told to be independent and not rely on a man.

You need to get a job.

House sitting in London, my Aunt Janet. He encouraged you to give up work, then said you'd made yourself unambitious. He's saying that because it helps his narrative of not being the bad guy for having an affair and abandoning the family. If you'd been working, he'd have said you were too career driven to be compatible with him.

Get a great solicitor - do you have a share of the business, and do you know what bank accounts he has? I'm afraid you need to protect yourself and get back to work.

do not do yourself down.
by you staying at home it enabled him to concentrate on the business. He wasn’t encumbered by sick days, school holiday, the home admin etc.
a lady of leisure is actually the one on 24/7 call.

make sure you see a solicitor and get what you are entitled to from the business. he’s done a number on your self esteem to make you feel like he’s done you a favour. It was mutually beneficial.

So sorry this has happened, his actions sound cruel. Get your ducks in a row quietly, and move on as best as you can.

Not to be rude, but…what medicine did he take to manage the ADHD?

When he turns up go out or upstairs. Stop listening to his shit, learn how to grey rock and start shutting him down.

Sooner you divorce and stop him coming into your home the better.

Sorry he's a cunt OP. I would seriously consider engaging a forensic accountant as this loser will try and screw you over I guarantee it. Good luck. Your
life is going to be so much better down the line...💐

Don’t kid yourself. He’s not house sitting. He’s with her. Get angry. Get a solicitor and an accountant. Get backdated CC, loan, mortgage, bank statements, etc… You will soon see how long he’s been romancing her. You will be entitled to half of that amount. Set up your own bank accounts and cc cards and get your name off anything mutual.

He sounds very cold and emotionally distant. If he is to have the child for days or nights over, then you can't really control who the has in the house at the time. She will eventually be meeting his new partner anyway.

I hope you can seek counselling and move forward as a happy single person.
Getting a job would be a good step forward as well. And in the meantime make sure you're also on all benefits you're entitled to. You should try and make sure you're less reliant on him financially. He'll have to pay towards the kid but you'll need to fund your own life.

OP there's something weird going on on this thread. I guess by describing yourself as 'lady of leisure' you rubbed some people the wrong way/you appear to be admitting some sort of culpability. The 'cocklodger' comparison is bizarrely inappropriate.

In fact, you co-own the business, but he encouraged you to stay out of running it when it suited him, and is now using the consequences against you. You've done nothing wrong. Ambition, my arse. He's proud of his ambition to do what, exactly? Would he consider you shagging around a valid expression of your ambition?

I'm sorry OP, your husband is a complete and utter prick. My father did something similar to my mother by expecting her to be a housewife (this was the 70s) and then complaining that she wasn't interesting or sexually adventurous enough. He'd lecture her and her family on her shortcomings.

Stop listening to his lectures, starting now. He is a selfish, self-righteous, manipulative, opportunistic, dishonest, cynical prick. That he thinks it is OK for him to confront his daughter with his current shag is outrageous (again, speaking as someone who grew up with a sexually incontinent father - your daughter won't know what the hell to make of that woman).

It's awful finding that you trusted the wrong person, but it happens. I wish you all the best for reestablishing your independence and keeping your daughter safe.

So what if it’s “not easy”?? That’s no excuse to milk the breadwinner forever. Millions of women with children earn fulltime wages.

This is very ADHD, he's got all focused in one area of his life but he's still got ADHD and he's gone off seeing excitement and novelty. Plus he's thinking he's now God's gift of productivity and can lecture everyone.

Seriously, ignore the BS, come up with your own plan and carry on, let him blow out with new gf, who will soon be less shiny.

I have ADHD and it's interesting watching how men handle ADHD to women, so often just get ground down...

Stop letting him come to visit.

if he wants to see DD, he collects her and takes her to his flat.

It’s easy to be ambitious and have self esteem when someone else is taking care of your child and everything at home.

Your child is only 5, not 15.

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Do you officially own half of the business? Do you take a salary/dividends from it.

Suggest 50:50 to him even if you don’t want it. That will buck his ideas up.

Please stop letting the fear of him going on at you stop you saying things. Grey rock. Be perfunctory, do what must be done for your daughter. Get yourself sorted for wrap around care and a job. Stop letting him think you're this shadow of a person and start living.

They met last year, you broke up last year, but they have only been dating 5 weeks and he felt the need to tell you this soon..? What a crock of shit. He was cheating on you. He is a user.

You can't prevent him from introducing his gf unfortunately.

You should have never left yourself financially vulnerable to this prick, you could be getting a tattoo right now and riding a motorbike with some hot dude while celebrating single life, instead you're lamenting about your ex who has obvs moved on. you should be doing the same and living your best life. Lawyer up and suck him dry would be my first option then get in the career path again.

I'm so sorry OP. It's really tough, I've been through similar. The worst bit is that if they were upfront and said "really sorry, I've fallen for someone else. It's not your fault..." then at least you could grieve the relationship and move on. But the mind games, they find anything, anything at all that they think they can blame you for and pretend their actions and behaviour are totally justified because of x and y (you being SAHM in your case). I had all sorts of blame thrown at me by my ex. The funny thing was that most of my behaviour my ex mentioned started after his affair started and as a direct result of his behaviour due to the affair.

They finish the relationship, enough trauma for you and your DC but then they also tear you down in case you aren't already low enough. What sort of parent does that to their DC's mum? He was happy to take your extra labour in looking after him when he was suffering with ADHD, looking after your DD, being at home. Suddenly now it has become a stick to beat you with.

I think you need to put yourself first from here on in. I'd see a solicitor about divorce, the business, the house, DD and your next steps. You need to get ahead of him now. It's also not fair if he's still swanning in and out of the house at will, how are you meant to move on mentally and emotionally? I think you need to agree at least an interim arrangement/schedule so you know where you are. Stop facilitating his life in any way and start to detach from him, get out and about with DD and friends/family, make plans, think about how you would like your life to look.

He doesn't get to lecture you. Draw a boundary and let him know if he starts a lecture that your relationship is over and it's not appropriate for him to lecture you, it's your life and not his business. If he continues then state "if you continue to talk to me about this, I will leave the room" and then walk away if he carries on. He has had an affair, the fact he thinks he can lecture you on a situation that you agreed between you at the time is beyond ridiculous!

It might also help you to read "the script" just to realise that many of us have been in the same boat. There's a good thread here: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5169069-the-script-what-would-you-add

Don't be ridiculous. When you've got a child in school it's still hard to find a job that fits around the school day. Yes, I worked p/t but it wasn't easy and I had to juggle and use breakfast/after school/holiday clubs as well (was just about worth working financially).
Making sure you're there for school runs/assemblies/volunteering on trips/illness and cooking the eevening meal/making packed lunches is not 'cocklodging' equivalent.
A cocklodger would be a man who moved in with his gf and lazed about the house all day and did no housework or cooking.

You really need legal advice is there £500 in the joint bank account that you can take out? It’s wonderful if he is able to see the transaction and sees that you have lawyered up.

never mind, talking to friends and family. That’s often the worst thing you can do they bring their own baggage to the situations.
Find a good Lawyer and listen to them

Yes, you have made some unwise choices but HE has gone about this the wrong way. He should have sat down with you and had a mature conversation about the fact that you need to get back to work (you obviously aren’t averse to doing so).

I can’t really advise on child and break up etc, but from a solidarity perspective, my ex also changed massively once going into ADHD meds, and all the support id previously given was forgotten and nothing was good enough any more. 3 or 4 years down the line I’m so much happier without him (although I appreciate we didn’t have the added complication of having to stay in touch due to a child)

Pretty evident from this that there was an overlap and he was already involved with her.

I know how hard it is, OP having been through it. My exH introduced our dc (they were in their mid teens so slightly different) much earlier than I would have liked. But over the years, I have grown to like her, she is good to our dc and that is all that matters. I never thought I would have said that.

Your ex sounds very arrogant and I think in time you will be very glad that he made this decision. Life will get better.