"can I have a word" from teacher

I get the feeling that the teacher and TA are saying this but that the OP’s son is not following the instruction but following with lots of ‘why’ questions.
Im wondering if there’s over analysis going on and too much validating and discussing of feelings, too many words, rather than teaching clear boundaries ie OP telling her DC that if an adult asks you to stop cutting, you stop. One explanation should be enough. Not repeated ‘why?’s. There simply isn’t the time at school to deal with that level of pussy footing.
This needs to be sorted before year 1 when the learning becomes far more formal and behaviour expectations increase.
Good to be exploring possible SEND though whether ND or not, he still needs to be able to follow instructions.

Actually a little bit of further thought on the TA - sounds like the feedback loop has turned negative.

Better language:

‘When you’ve packed your bag, then we can go’.
’Let’s see how fast you can pack your bag (boys love a stopwatch)’.
’well done you’ve got your coat on - excellent muscle skills with the zip - I wonder if you can also get that bag ready.’

I’m slightly worried about the TA. She’s human, but needs support. If the language is how you say it is, then boys internalise “they don’t like me” and this WILL cause them to be more likely to lash out.

The TA shouldn’t be saying those things. It is possibly the case that the TA does the majority of interacting with him and after a while, relationships get frayed, particularly if the teacher chooses not to be the adult in charge and the TA is then left dealing with wild scissor action.

Oh goodness, I don't think it should be beyond the wit of a qualified teacher with 8 pupils and access to a TA (that's amazing - lucky them!) to say "put the scissors down. Scissors are only for cutting paper" or "we don't cut hair with scissors" to a 5 year old!

Did you look at other schools before choosing this one? Are there other options locally?

Excellent advice.

To add, do you have consequences for behaviour? E.g. he cuts the table so he can’t have access to scissors. He can have them back when he can be trusted to use them safely. Would he understand that?

I think there is a danger with children with other needs for parents to be extra careful with them (I completely understand why. I can’t tell the force schooling, spending lots of time talking to him is you responding to his needs and the teacher missing the mark or is he able to control himself more than you think he can and that’s why the teacher tells you and probably doesn’t come across well to you as she thinks he is more capable?

I do think, as the poster above says, we can lose sight of what is typical behaviour for a child of that age. One of my children would become very distressed about minor things and there was a lot of trail and error at home about what worked. I had to back off from making myself central to her calming down when she was at school as she needed to learn on her own (as you said also happened to you).

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Hi OP, I've read most of the thread. I have a DC diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at 7 and looking back, she was showing clear signs of difficulty coping with aspects of the school environment before that. She has some physical issues too but much more minor than your son.

She got an EHCP finally when she was 11 and is now settled into year 7 of a mainstream comprehensive with a low level of support (but I picked it as they are good with SEN - for example they have around 70 DC in the school with EHCP while the schools her primary friends go to have between 0-3 EHCP (in the whole school!)

I am also a secondary school teacher and I'm afraid the entire SEN system in England appears to operate on some kind of weird "don't ask, don't tell" basis. I would be cautious of "wait and see" type advice. You need to play hard ball (politely).

I wanted to add two things: when you apply for an ECHNA, you must appeal to tribunal if the LA say no and then appeal again if they refuse to issue. Do not bother with mediation. I will share a link for the EHCP support thread on here.

Secondly, we're not far off the end of the school year and the crucial question is who is going to be teaching your child next year? You need to talk to them now.

You are aware that your child has a right to a full time education and the school can't force you into a part time timetable? If they send him home before the end of the day, that is actually a illegal exclusion if you don't receive the correct paperwork.

I think you are dealing with an inexperienced teacher and SENCO there and also a very small school that lacks expertise.

P.S. the poster that said "echo ball" was a victim of autocorrect I should think - they meant "EHCP ball".

Hi, experienced professional here.

I’vevtried to read all the messages and you’ve received helpful advice around SEND adaptations and protocols.

However, I wanted to add a couple of things:

The behaviours being described by the teacher are, to some extent, normal for little boys, whether they have SEND or not. Not excusable, but I am concerned at the quickness to attribute differences to SEND rather than a ‘need to learn’. Children get frustrated, tired, feeling hemmed-in, particularly if they’ve been used to a more fluid pre-school, or don’t have siblings so haven’t learned a bit of give-and-take.

I get that you are very vigilant due to his disability, but try not to over-attribute and over analyse. In my experience, when little boys test the boundaries like this, a simple ‘no’ and an explanation of what’s expected works wonders. I’ve always made a note to teach expected behaviours, and praise children for being kind and when they get it right. Sometimes children don’t have the reasoning ability in the moment for a long conversation about feelings, or figuring out what to do and not do. I’m wondering whether the teacher does any of this, or whether expectations are a bit…..vague? Children prefer an adult who is in charge because it makes them feel safe. We’re in April now. I’d expect there to be much more routine and higher expectations in place to prepare for year one.

The good news is that, based on your descriptions, it sounds like your son has excellent capacity to learn. Given he is the eldest, he’s likely to prefer the calm, routine and expectations of year 1.

I’d be asking pattern-seeking questions about the circumstances where the behaviours occurred - the times of the day, the noise levels, the level of freedom vs. Instruction at the time, the type of activity.

What is the nature of the physical disability? Does the medication cause tiredness? What does the school’s accessibility policy say about adaptations?

Re the flexi-schooling - is there a chance your son has figured out that certain behaviours/words will cause you to ask for a part time timetable? My worry is that he’s not had much chance to go through a natural period of adjustment,

There will be a parent/child advocacy department in your local council. In my area it’s called sendias, the name may vary but you can Google it or ring the sen department in your council and ask. The give advice/support to parents who feel school is not acting in a child’s best interests. If you are getting no where you can ask them to attend a meeting with you. ipsea is an online website that gives a lot of good advice around legislation and applying for a ehcp.

tbh I have found every year has been different for my son, it’s been totally dependent on the teacher. The teacher is the crux of it all, down to where your child sits if they are given sensory cushion/fidgets. If they are allowed to take a break, who they sit near etc. All these things can have a huge impact on how your son manages the day.

I'm glad my thoughts were okay there.

One of the "can I have a word" moments for me was when a teacher told me to my face that both DC and I were autistic spectrum. The thing was that she said it like it was an insult and I already knew and was quite proud of it, because I was in a career that really required it.

The "can I have a word" thing can really sting sometimes.

I hope things get better there for you. You DC is very special and I hope you enjoy every minute.

@ParentofPremie if this is the first full day and not his regular teacher then as you say, a different day when reg teacher is there would be better. But also, he is not used to it, would be tired and probably keen to be home (so the TA threatening him with going home wasn’t ideal either). I think it would really help you to have a conversation around what comms you need and what support they expect of you when they have a word, so you all know what you are doing. See how things are after a few weeks of the new routine and then think about next steps.

I don't have experience of a child with a physical difficulty. That must already be a challenge for you to manage. I do however have experience with the "have a word" scenario at the end of the school day. My 3 kiddo's are ND. With my eldest it became obvious that his teacher in his 2nd year of junior school had major difficulties with him. Unfortunately my kiddo was also very aware of this. We agreed to go forward with an assessment after meeting with the resource team but also requested a "good news" book, I.e. a notebook/journal that highlighted his good efforts during the day and might also let me know about any particular difficulty. It allowed me to praise his hard work (sitting sill was HARD!) but also took the "shame" element away for him of having teacher talk to mammy... it also forced the teacher- who was a bit 'difficult-' to find the good in him daily..
Would this be something you could suggest? It need only be a two line note...

Hi OP,

My Ds was like this and unfortunately the schools just can't do the kind of really kind thoughtful teaching that you would like them to do. The kids pretty much sink or swim and it sounds as though your DC is swimming on flexi-school and sinking on full time.

My DS semi-coped for years and then dropped out with terrible anxiety and panic attacks in his early teens.

It would be a good idea to save up for some private assessments because you will need good medical data to be taken seriously when the EHCP assessment does happen.

In the meantime it would be good to stay at half time until you are sure he can be happy in full time, and then make sure only to send him in when the teacher is present.

definitely start the echo ball rolling

I was going to suggest a home-school communication book but I see someone has already done that so I’ll just second it! So so useful-cuts down on the “can I have a word?”, keeps a solid track of behaviours, you’re easily able to communicate things like poor sleep etc which may impact his day. I would try to revisit that suggestion and lay out your reasons for wanting one.
Also, ABC charts are useful for behaviour issues (Antecedents-what happened just before, Behaviour-what exactly did the child do, Consequences-what was the result of the behaviour) If the school wont do this, maybe you could get the information from the teacher when she’s having a “can I have a word?” moment and record yourself? See if you can see a pattern?

My SEN DCs are currently in school in the UK and I vouch that many many teachers do not deeply understand or have appropriate training or provisions to identify and support children with ASD/adhd/dyslexia/dyspraxia. It is getting better but not consistently and not fast enough. I have some real clangers ….they need to focus more and avoid distractions (adhd), they are behind on spelling (dyslexia), they can’t sit crossed legged on the carpet / assembly (dyspraxia),they prefer to play alone and need to be encouraged to join classmates (ASD and very happy to be alone, very stressed when expected to pretend and copy behaviours of NT children), they were disruptive in class (when room location was changed and substitute teacher took class (adhd/asd)). It goes on and on and on. Right now in 2025. Sadly the decision to mainstream children with additional needs in large state schools is not working for many teachers, SEN children and their classmates.