Page 11 | I hate having two kids

itwouldbefineif · 2025-04-14T17:15:21+00:00

Hate it. Hate it. All of my friends were one and done and I sort of wish I’d done the same. Except then I wouldn’t have one of them. It would be fine if I was a SAHM and I only had one at a time but I can’t do that.

MyOtherProfile · 14/04/2025 20:34

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:22

He has been doing so @OoooopsUpsideYourHead although I had to read him the riot act not so long ago. But he isn’t here much during the week due to work. Weekends we tend to have a child each but I suppose that means there’s no break, whereas once DH having a child meant a break for me and vice versa.

My future just feels full of squabbles and arguments and tale telling tbh.

Don't have a child each. Have a few hours with both each and give each other a break. One can take both to the park. That's what we did. One had Saturday morning off and one of us had Sunday morning off.

Waterlilysunset · 14/04/2025 20:34

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:28

@Waterlilysunset the only thing I’m explaining to you is what my life is like. I’m not trying to be argumentative but you did say ‘I don’t get it.’

I suppose the thing is that you can do some things but they aren’t necessarily enjoyable for some time. The four year old would be fine on holiday and so on, the toddler wouldn’t be just yet. So we do have a couple of years to go. That’s how it is for us; it evidently isn’t the same for you and that’s fine as well. But when you say ‘get a babysitter / get family’ it is assuming that we have them, it’s financially viable and so on. And at the moment it is not.

Okay so you can’t afford a babysitter. One of my suggestions was get DH to stay home with the kids and you go out to dinner with a friend.

When I said I don’t get it, I don’t get why you’ve written off lots of completely possible things. I’ve even had a friend babysit for free and then I babysat her kids in return.

Toddlers can go on holidays…we took dc1 as a toddler and have taken dc2 as a toddler. Yes they act like toddlers and you have to look after them but a holiday is not impossible as you state it is. Plenty of families go on holiday? Your doom and gloom attitude is what’s making things seem 10 times worse.

If you can hear your kids during your lie in then DH takes them to the park during your lie in. But I feel like you would say that’s not possible for X reason…

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:34

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:29

You and your friends are not a good sample size. If your man is doing his part, don't kid yourself none do to make it seem better

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Not sure I understand what you’re saying.
As far as the ‘sample size’…?! I have my experience and you have yours. You’re saying yours is more valid and accurate than mine?

DepressingMumLife234 · 14/04/2025 20:32

4 and 2 is challenging. You will get through it and it will be worth it.

So many people told me I would miss the newborn stage. Soak up those cuddles, enjoy the contact naps etc. I can honestly say, hand on heart, I do not miss a single second of my baby's first 4 months. Not at all. Every second in those first 4 months was filled with misery. Yeah, he was cute. But good god he was such hard work. I barely survived it.

I'm the kind of person who does really badly trying to pretend everything is great. Lying to myself doesn't work 😂 I do much better when I accept it's shit. It's horrible. So I just plod along to get to the better times. Call me negative but I'm happier that way.

Sofiewoo · 14/04/2025 20:31

Is this your second thread about this in as many days?
The usernames of the two OP’s follow a very similar pattern.

Scrabblingaround · 14/04/2025 20:30

It will also get so much better from here on in the year - the weather means you can be outside lots more. Spending as much time as possible outside was always my answer. We're just coming out of the inside months which are the worst with small ones.

It will get better!

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:29

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:27

Me and my friends have different experience but I’ll take your word for it.

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You and your friends are not a good sample size. If your man is doing his part, don't kid yourself none do to make it seem better

Original poster

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:28

@Waterlilysunset the only thing I’m explaining to you is what my life is like. I’m not trying to be argumentative but you did say ‘I don’t get it.’

I suppose the thing is that you can do some things but they aren’t necessarily enjoyable for some time. The four year old would be fine on holiday and so on, the toddler wouldn’t be just yet. So we do have a couple of years to go. That’s how it is for us; it evidently isn’t the same for you and that’s fine as well. But when you say ‘get a babysitter / get family’ it is assuming that we have them, it’s financially viable and so on. And at the moment it is not.

OP posts:

Waterlilysunset · 14/04/2025 20:27

OP this is a similar read and has lots of advice. Might be worth a read

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5234670-to-be-dreading-the-holiday

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:27

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:23

Plenty of them do their full share, don't act like they're all poor.

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Me and my friends have different experience but I’ll take your word for it.

Scrabblingaround · 14/04/2025 20:26

It is hard, and those are hard ages.

I have three. They're teens/tweens now and honestly it is so so so much easier having 3 than 1 these days. I have lots of friends with one who spend a lot of time taking other people's children out/away etc. My lot bicker, but they also spend hours mooching together and have in jokes that I don't understand. I can more happily leave them home alone together than I would one alone. The eldest can explain the strange new ways of doing maths etc to the younger ones..

But it was brutal when they were small. I do think divide and conquer is sometimes a mistake though. They have to learn to play together, that happens more easily if they are together lots. Once the smaller one is 3ish you can let them figure out their own arguments (within reason) I left mine alone together as much as possible, and never ever interfered if they were playing. Often it felt like there was a sort of pain barrier to get through where they'd bicker, then they'd settle and get on with it.

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:23

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:22

It is. But I don't like the question as it is just another thing to hold op responsible for - not picking the right partner.

The reality, even in 2025, is that dads are not doing their share. They are ‘good’ dads and partners if they do just a bit on top of the min accepted of them. And you just do not know what kind of parent they’ll be until they become one.

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Plenty of them do their full share, don't act like they're all poor.

LocalHobo · 14/04/2025 20:23

Easier said than done though … we just don’t have anyone to have them.
Unless you are really struggling financially, now is the time to find a good local babysitter. Establishing a relationship with a reliable local now, even if it is only for 2 hours to go to a movie together, will pay off when you need babysitting in the future.

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:23

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:27

Easier said than done though … we just don’t have anyone to have them.

Hire a babysitter.

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:22

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 14/04/2025 18:19

Does their dad pull his weight properly?

I find this is nearly always the problem with a mother is struggling.

It is. But I don't like the question as it is just another thing to hold op responsible for - not picking the right partner.

The reality, even in 2025, is that dads are not doing their share. They are ‘good’ dads and partners if they do just a bit on top of the min accepted of them. And you just do not know what kind of parent they’ll be until they become one.

Waterlilysunset · 14/04/2025 20:21

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:19

You don’t get it @Waterlilysunset . Have a lie in and DH has them and I can hear them screaming and arguing and crying. Not quite the same. Nearest family are 80 miles away and DH isn’t here most of the week. Plus to be honest having them both is so stressful we both try to minimise doing that to the other parent unless strictly necessary. Aside from cost you say, yes, it is a big aside isn’t it? And the restaurant thing - it just isn’t the same as having a relaxing family meal with a toddler. Unless I resort to screens but even then have to help them with food and have wipes and the like at the ready. It’s fine if you can do all the above with a four year old, two year old twins and pregnant but we just can’t at the moment and that’s just how things are.

I have children the same age as you so you don’t need to explain it to me. You seem very defeatist. Why don’t you book a babysitter so you can go to a restaurant?

also you should both be able to look after your children so the other person can have me time.

lifemakeover · 14/04/2025 20:21

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:27

Easier said than done though … we just don’t have anyone to have them.

Ah sorry - I meant you and DH need to take them both so you can each also have time on your own. So Saturday morning DH takes them out, ideally till after lunch so you have a few hours to yourself and then you do the same on Sunday. Does that happen?

Are you able to book a couple of days off and they still go out childcare?

Original poster

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:19

You don’t get it @Waterlilysunset . Have a lie in and DH has them and I can hear them screaming and arguing and crying. Not quite the same. Nearest family are 80 miles away and DH isn’t here most of the week. Plus to be honest having them both is so stressful we both try to minimise doing that to the other parent unless strictly necessary. Aside from cost you say, yes, it is a big aside isn’t it? And the restaurant thing - it just isn’t the same as having a relaxing family meal with a toddler. Unless I resort to screens but even then have to help them with food and have wipes and the like at the ready. It’s fine if you can do all the above with a four year old, two year old twins and pregnant but we just can’t at the moment and that’s just how things are.

OP posts:

Original poster

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:16

@Iammatrix - I am largely just venting and much of my ‘hatred’ of having two children is really guilt. I’m constantly spread very thin indeed. Today we came in from an outing, youngest is screaming and screaming for a drink, while I was trying to find her drinking bottle my older one was endlessly ‘mummy, mummy, mummy’ at me. It’s hard in moments like that.

I am sorry if others would like a bigger or smaller family but ultimately that isn’t my fault or my responsibility and it’s unfair to lie it at my door.

@OutandAboutMum1821 thanks and logically I know you’re right. I just hate feeling constantly flustered!

OP posts:

Waterlilysunset · 14/04/2025 20:16

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:13

@ffsfindmeausername i don’t think I will to be honest. There are lovely moments but mostly I find the early years exhausting and very lonely. I vastly prefer my older child at age four than I did at age two. People often say things like ‘oh hasn’t it gone quickly’ and maybe I’m odd but it hasn’t for me!

To be honest in many ways I can’t wait for them to be teenagers, I can leave the house without them, long lie ins, sit in a restaurant, maybe even a holiday abroad. We shall see, I’m sure it will bring its own challenges. I do love them very much and I wish I’d had them younger so that I could have had a bigger age gap as in many ways I’m not the best person to have two fairly close together. But then I probably wouldn’t have got back on the horse so to speak. No one really knows.

I don’t get it. I have the same age kids but can do those things you’ve mentioned

leave the house without them - DH has them. Or babysitter or family?

go on holiday abroad. We’ve just done that. Aside from cost, kids don’t stop you going on holiday.

have a lie in - again DH has them

sit in a restaurant - also possible with kids. You either go with them at lunchtime. Go with friends and dh has the kids. Or go with dh in the evening and book a babysitter??

Tallyrand · 14/04/2025 20:16

I have a 4YO DS and 18MO DD and can relate to you OP.

My DS is going through some development leaps and can either be the sweetest boy imaginable or evil incarnate.

They've already had some lovely moments at Bath time and play and the like so I can already feel like it was worth it having two.

Some of my friends are one and done, whilst it is lovely they can pop to London to take their 6YO to see Matilda I'm often wondering if their kid is lonely at home, which realistically is where they will spend most of their time.

Some of my wife's friends are only children and it's patently obvious they have never heard no and don't understand the concept of sharing or considering others feelings.

Having siblings toughened me up too. It's the greatest gift you can give them - each other.

Missj25 · 14/04/2025 20:14

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:30

I hope you’re right but I’m not hopeful. Constant constant arguing.

Hey OP ..👋
Yes , 100 gazillion % , gets better ..
They are tough ages , how come though, besides you having one on Sat, & your husband having other, that ye don’t rotate it, you having 2 & following Sat he does ..
That way , at least, you will be looking forward to your break, & he his ..
Hang in there x

Original poster

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:13

@ffsfindmeausername i don’t think I will to be honest. There are lovely moments but mostly I find the early years exhausting and very lonely. I vastly prefer my older child at age four than I did at age two. People often say things like ‘oh hasn’t it gone quickly’ and maybe I’m odd but it hasn’t for me!

To be honest in many ways I can’t wait for them to be teenagers, I can leave the house without them, long lie ins, sit in a restaurant, maybe even a holiday abroad. We shall see, I’m sure it will bring its own challenges. I do love them very much and I wish I’d had them younger so that I could have had a bigger age gap as in many ways I’m not the best person to have two fairly close together. But then I probably wouldn’t have got back on the horse so to speak. No one really knows.

OP posts:

JJtrying2024 · 14/04/2025 20:11

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:35

you really will feel nostalgic for some of these days I really won’t!

I know you're finding it hard, but coming from someone here who would adore a third child, please don't let this time pass.
Try and enjoy them and let all the housework, etc slide. We can't do everything at parents

OutandAboutMum1821 · 14/04/2025 20:10

Hang in there OP…promise it will get easier once they get a bit older, even from youngest hitting 3-4. They both get a bit more mature, they can enjoy more of the same things, become more independent and play better together at the places like the park.