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AIBU?

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Original poster

Little boy wanting to be a girl

138 replies

Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 10:50

My son is 5 years old and we are currently waiting for an ASD assessment.

He is brilliantly bright and outgoing - he loves playing with all things from cars to dollies but his favourite is anything to do with letters and numbers.

Recently since starting school, he’s been saying that he wants to be a girl. It started with him having a dream that this happened to all the boys in his class by magic.

I just told him lots of magical things happen in dreams but not in real life but he keeps mentioning it. It’s really hard to strike a balance with him because if you ignore to much it makes something more intriguing, but if you talk about something too much he can get obsessive over it.

I know he’s only 5 but it just feels scary. Like what if he goes to school and they encourage it. I’ve read about how autistic children are so vulnerable to this type of ideology online.

AIBU to be this worried?

Any advice, comfort or similar stories would help x

OP posts:
MujeresLibres · 31/03/2025 11:41

Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 10:59

Thanks for the response and I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll ask his teacher. But then I don’t know if I want to bring it up with the school in case they make a bigger deal than necessary…

I have also just had a baby girl who’s had her first birthday - loads of attention etc.

I guess my concern is that this type of idea for children can pop up anywhere but with his ASD I’m worried it will become a fixation.

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Could it be that he sees his sister getting a lot of attention and has clumsily reasoned that he needs to be a girl? I would suggest spending as much time with him one-on-one as you can alongside reassurance that he is wonderful just as he is and you love him dearly, can wear what he likes etc; he probably misses having you to himself.

Hoardasurass · 31/03/2025 11:39

TinyLittleLion · 31/03/2025 10:58

I mean he’s five, where would he have got the idea online from or at all?

I don’t really know at 5 how he’d be a girl but if he wants to play with “girl” toys then cool, just keep reminding him he’s a boy or “that’s nice dear, I wish I was a princess” or whatever and change the subject.

A lot of trans people say they knew young so it could go either way really especially since he’s potentially autistic but I would just encourage him to be himself, it seems like he’s just got caught up in a dream and will eventually move on tbh.

Schools and nurseries teach gender identity ideology and tell children that they can change gender

FairKoala · 31/03/2025 11:34

Friends 4 year old girl thought she was a lion.

I think at that age they say they want to be all sorts of stuff. Don’t pay too much heed to it. Answer with “That’s nice dear, now what do you want for tea”

Patterncarmen · 31/03/2025 11:30

It is a phase. And I’d hope if your child when they grew was gay or trans, you would love and accept them nonetheless.

JLou08 · 31/03/2025 11:25

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 31/03/2025 11:11

However your child didn’t have somebody telling him he was a super hero and encouraging him to dress like one and change his name and to think he was born in the wrong body and so was able to just free out of it without outside interference

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Well no one said he was born in the wrong body but dressing up as a superhero and pretending to be one did happen.

TheKeatingFive · 31/03/2025 11:24

Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:16

I guess this is my concern too. What if he asks his teachers the same thing and they tell him that some people do change from boys to girls…

I think I might speak with his teacher and just say if he mentions it to be vague. I have no idea what their response would be. It would probably just depend on which teacher he asks

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You're not wrong to have this concern. Some activist teachers are causing real problems (I have family experience of this).

However, I would be surprised if there are very many of these teachers around and I suspect they'd make themselves known to you, so I wouldn't 'trouble trouble' unnecessarily. I also think it's less of an issue when your child is very young. The family member I'm talking about was well into her teens.

So, I wouldn't worry too much right now. Just keep reinforcing at home that there is no right way to be a boy (or a girl). Boys can play with any kind of toys they like, dress how they like, etc, etc.

Original poster
Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:24

PeekabooRoots · 31/03/2025 11:21

I would discreetly satisfy yourself that the school is not affiliated to Stonewall (stated mission to target children from 2 up with the message that it’s possible for them to ‘choose’ whether they are a boy or a girl) or has a well meaning teacher enthusiastically reinforcing sex stereotypes by drawing attention to the fact that he likes ‘girls’ things and therefore he must be a girl inside.

If you are happy that the message is not coming from an adult then I would just gently stay firm that he is a boy and it’s ok to choose whatever clothes/toys/hairstyle that he likes.

People who say that they are trans and ‘always knew they were really a girl’ are unfortunately rewriting history as no person can know what it is to be the opposite sex. If adults want to do that to manage their life issues that’s ok but we must be very careful not to confuse children who often take things literally.

I fervently wished I was a pony but thankfully no affirmative action was taken by my parents.

Thanks for the detailed advice. Not meaning to sound stupid, but how would I find that out discreetly?

OP posts:
PeekabooRoots · 31/03/2025 11:21

I would discreetly satisfy yourself that the school is not affiliated to Stonewall (stated mission to target children from 2 up with the message that it’s possible for them to ‘choose’ whether they are a boy or a girl) or has a well meaning teacher enthusiastically reinforcing sex stereotypes by drawing attention to the fact that he likes ‘girls’ things and therefore he must be a girl inside.

If you are happy that the message is not coming from an adult then I would just gently stay firm that he is a boy and it’s ok to choose whatever clothes/toys/hairstyle that he likes.

People who say that they are trans and ‘always knew they were really a girl’ are unfortunately rewriting history as no person can know what it is to be the opposite sex. If adults want to do that to manage their life issues that’s ok but we must be very careful not to confuse children who often take things literally.

I fervently wished I was a pony but thankfully no affirmative action was taken by my parents.

Original poster
Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:20

frenchnoodle · 31/03/2025 11:17

I was in the same position a few years ago with my youngest.
Lots of good advice from the thread back then you may also find helpful.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lgbtchildren/4716636-5-year-old-saying-hes-a-girl

It's definitely a phase, a very long one. Now at 7 he knows he's a boy but still loves "pretty things".

Try not to worry too much about school.

Edited

Thank you so much for this - I’m going to read through it now x

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 31/03/2025 11:20

He's 5. Don't do anything. When he's done being a girl he'll be a lion or a robot or something. Kids have always played pretend.

hotpotlover · 31/03/2025 11:18

Little children say all sorts of stuff.

My 4-year old boy sometimes says he's a girl and giggles.

He just thinks it's funny to contradict me no matter what it is about.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 31/03/2025 11:17

Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:16

I guess this is my concern too. What if he asks his teachers the same thing and they tell him that some people do change from boys to girls…

I think I might speak with his teacher and just say if he mentions it to be vague. I have no idea what their response would be. It would probably just depend on which teacher he asks

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It’s concerning as it’s a mine field for teachers, who just want to say and do the right thing but that may be at odds with what you as his parents believe.

Whooowhooohoo · 31/03/2025 11:17

Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:16

I guess this is my concern too. What if he asks his teachers the same thing and they tell him that some people do change from boys to girls…

I think I might speak with his teacher and just say if he mentions it to be vague. I have no idea what their response would be. It would probably just depend on which teacher he asks

Show quote history

Noooo
teacher & school might champion him and do affirming things!

frenchnoodle · 31/03/2025 11:17

I was in the same position a few years ago with my youngest.
Lots of good advice from the thread back then you may also find helpful.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lgbtchildren/4716636-5-year-old-saying-hes-a-girl

It's definitely a phase, a very long one. Now at 7 he knows he's a boy but still loves "pretty things".

Try not to worry too much about school.

5 year old saying he's a girl? | Mumsnet

How best to deal with this, it is happening at home at school and started roughly 4 months ago, maybe a bit longer and at first everyone school includ...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lgbt_children/4716636-5-year-old-saying-hes-a-girl

Original poster
Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:16

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 31/03/2025 11:11

However your child didn’t have somebody telling him he was a super hero and encouraging him to dress like one and change his name and to think he was born in the wrong body and so was able to just free out of it without outside interference

Show quote history

I guess this is my concern too. What if he asks his teachers the same thing and they tell him that some people do change from boys to girls…

I think I might speak with his teacher and just say if he mentions it to be vague. I have no idea what their response would be. It would probably just depend on which teacher he asks

OP posts:
Whooowhooohoo · 31/03/2025 11:15

Tell child that there no such thing as magic. Even if this leads to no father Xmas, no tooth fairy.etc

My NT boy thought my friend’s lovely dog might wish for my son for Xmas. My boy thought that father Xmas would scoop him up and deliver him to NZ where he met this dog.
He literally lost sleep over this for a few months.

No such thing as magic!! It’s huge theme in kids books & films. Be sure he knows nothing magic will happen to him ever.

BallerinaRadio · 31/03/2025 11:13

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 31/03/2025 11:11

However your child didn’t have somebody telling him he was a super hero and encouraging him to dress like one and change his name and to think he was born in the wrong body and so was able to just free out of it without outside interference

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And it begins... 🙄

MrsPinkSky · 31/03/2025 11:12

Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:08

Yeah I get that my fear’s probably irrational - but with kids like my son, it’s so easy to say the wrong thing and make an idea stick. Like I once told him a story about a friendly goose and he became so obsessed with geese that I couldn’t take him to a pond without him trying to run towards them…for a year!!!

Edited
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In all seriousness, this is exactly the sort of thing kids do.

It doesn't last and it doesn't matter.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 31/03/2025 11:11

JLou08 · 31/03/2025 10:59

My DS wanted to be a superhero when he was 5. He grew out if it. I wouldn't worry.

However your child didn’t have somebody telling him he was a super hero and encouraging him to dress like one and change his name and to think he was born in the wrong body and so was able to just free out of it without outside interference

MrsPinkSky · 31/03/2025 11:11

BallerinaRadio · 31/03/2025 11:09

Did either of your dreams come true?!

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Sadly not but it didn't ruin my life! 🤣

Original poster
Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:10

MrsPinkSky · 31/03/2025 11:08

You're overthinking it.

I wanted to be a donkey working on Blackpool beach when I was 5 but by the time I was 7, I wanted to be Noddy.

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🤣 I’m glad you matured. Being a donkey on a beach would be rough. I’d rather cruise around with big ears any day!

OP posts:
Mischance · 31/03/2025 11:10

I have 3 ADs. They all wanted to be boys at some point. Now happily married with loads of children.

BallerinaRadio · 31/03/2025 11:09

MrsPinkSky · 31/03/2025 11:08

You're overthinking it.

I wanted to be a donkey working on Blackpool beach when I was 5 but by the time I was 7, I wanted to be Noddy.

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Did either of your dreams come true?!

Original poster
Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:08

BallerinaRadio · 31/03/2025 11:06

You seem very convinced that he's already made his mind up, he's only 5 they change their mind on everything all the time

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Yeah I get that my fear’s probably irrational - but with kids like my son, it’s so easy to say the wrong thing and make an idea stick. Like I once told him a story about a friendly goose and he became so obsessed with geese that I couldn’t take him to a pond without him trying to run towards them…for a year!!!

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 31/03/2025 11:08

Harrietspinelli · 31/03/2025 11:03

It’s not that he’ll be on the internet now - it’s more just that if it’s an idea that he carries through to adolescence there’s lots of online groups that attract autistic teenagers.

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You're overthinking it.

I wanted to be a donkey working on Blackpool beach when I was 5 but by the time I was 7, I wanted to be Noddy.