To ask your honest feelings about marriage

I married for love and for 'security'. All that's happened now we are divorcing is he has hidden his assets and wants half of mine.

I would never marry again and never recommend it to anyone.

Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. The stakes are high - especially for you OP.

I don’t want to get married. - all of the rest of my post is kind of irrelevant because you don't have to if you don't want to. However...

I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name - I didn't and a good chunk of people I know didn't. Perhaps it depends on your social circle but it's definitely a lot less common nowadays

I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. - if you still wanted to be married you can speak to a lawyer about this aspect to protect your assets

It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. - can't really make this as a sweeping statement (although I didn't expect to, I like the 'being a unit' feel of being married and it does feel different to before we were married, although that nice feeling alone wouldn't be enough to make me get married.) But it does feel like an emotional choice as well as a practical one for me personally. If it doesn't for you - i.e. you don't 'need' the emotional or romantic angle - then again, you don't need to do it if the rest isn't relevant or useful for you

I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. - generally when people are 'trapped' in marriages they are either emotionally trapped (i.e. don't want to leave because of children, social judgement, fear of being alone etc - which are things that could apply outside of a marriage too) OR financially trapped by being unable to support the lifestyle they need/want by themselves which it appears you wouldn't be. So it sounds as though this wouldn't be a concern for you - there's nothing un-do-able about marriage, if you have the will and financial means to undo it

Basically I don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting to be married, but some of your objections aren't really as big as you think. Regardless, it doesn't matter if your objections boil down to 'I don't fancy it' - you're allowed not to, there's no requirement to get married. Might be a tricky conversation if your partner does buy into the romantic or emotional aspect and it's important to them, but there's no better time to have that conversation than now - the longer you leave it, the worse it'll be if that's a dealbreaker for them.

I really like being married. I didn't expect it to feel as 'special' as it does - we got married mainly for practical reasons - but it does. If that angle on it isn't something that appeals to you/sways your decision, then it sounds as though it's not for you, which is fine.

Hi OP, I was in a similar position to you. Been with partner over 20 years. Definitely wouldn't have married before kids but my views have changed since kids and our finances becoming more even. Still not married but am now considering it.

I see marriage as the biggest financial/legal contract most people are likely to enter into. I think its worth stripping out the emotion/external pressure if you can and considering it in that light.
The big factors softening my views to it are around IHT and making sure I don't leave my kids and partner in a difficult financial/housing situation when I die. I think also if you have decided as a couple you want to grow old together it is a way to plan for bigger financial changes and harder times as a team (sickness, redundancy, retirement etc).

I your situation right now I wouldn't marry. In ten years time the answer may be different though.

I recently started a thread on this - its here in case it is useful to you: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5292779-should-i-propose

Surely it doesn’t matter what other people think? Some will have bad experiences, some good, some will be very against marriage, some very much pro marriage, and everything in between? It just matters how you and your partner feel and what you want and believe.

The OP was asking about the Marriage Contract, not relationships.

OP, don't be naive: raising a family is a job.

But I think the marriage test is simple: do you, together, feel more than the sum of your parts? If, together, you and your partner each separately and as a couple feel stronger, more capable, happier, more stable (emotionally, socially, financially) more connected and braver than you would if you were single, then marriage is a good bet. If you feel you are carrying him, or hope he'll change, or like you'd fall apart without him, then it's unlikely to be the best thing for you.

You have a very disturbing idea of what constitutes a relationship.

Because you are effectively just playing house. Doing a job without the contract.

Think of the message it sends to the children.

"I am committed to your Father, just until you turn 18"

It's like renting a house, but telling people you own it.

I got married because I was the poorest party. DH will inherit generously as it stands; I won't. We discussed this before we made the decision, no mutual children involved.

OP I was engaged to my ex and, like you, kicked the can down the road for a long time before we eventually split up. I just had too many doubts and knew ultimately it wasn't what I wanted.

With DH, I knew the second I met him that I wanted to marry him. We were engaged and married within 2 years of our first date and I couldn't be happier.

The reasons don't matter. If you have any doubts at all for any reason, don't do it.

Welcome to the average man's world.

Marriage is literally a contract. Works for some, not others.

But it does signify a significant commitment to another person, some people respect this and believe it means something. I think that when children are involved, people saying they are against marriage is somewhat pathetic, you've had children, you WILL be tied to the other adult for at least 18 years. I always judge people who have children but are against getting married. Some people will disagree with me, that's fine.

Don't do it... you don't sound like you need a ring on your finger. And yes should things go tits up then dh can fleece you

I am married and it has been a huge safety net for me. I went through some tough times mentally and physically and had to stop work. My husband supported me unquestioningly through everything and this allowed me to put my limited energy into raising our family. It hasn’t been a bed of roses but it has been an unbreakable partnership

Marriage was the right decision for me when I got married – equal income, wealth etc. I also didn't change my name and have not given up my independence, income and career trajectory when having children.

I likely would not get married again, if the situation arose, because I have too much money now and it would complicate the inheritance for my children.

I think your reasons for not marrying are valid. I would disagree if you want children and your partner wanted to take on the stay at home dad role, because he is entitled to the financial protection.

Cousin was widowed twice and they both left her and the kids in the shit, huge debts, baliffs etc.

Now married to a really lovely man, who we all know isn't the love of her life, but both of them fit together well and make each other really happy.
If lightening strikes a third time, she'd be in a much better position, not overly so to be honest (he's not a millionaire by any stretch, just sensible and not so bloody useless with money) but at least there'd be no baliffs and a roof over her head this time.

Marriage is for love for some, and a business transaction for others. Only you know which one you are.

DH and I are the kind of people marriage was designed for. We are far stronger together than apart. We have better lives together than we would have done apart. We have been far better parents as a team than we would have been individually. We have supported each other through exceedingly tough times, have been the strength to each other's weaknesses. We like each other, have lots of shared interests, values, humour.

I do feel hemmed in at times - but we've been married 30 years, so that's understandable. But I go off and do my own thing often, holidays with friends, or on my own, working away. He's more a homebody.

I was married the first time before I left. No abuse, it had just run out of steam, and our children had their own lives by then.

Remarried and was happily married for 23 years until he died.

I don’t regret either marriage - and I’m glad I gave my kids the stability of a settled home. 👍

I came from a broken home so wanted stability for my children. I got married at 19 and have been married for over 35 years now. I changed my name, of course, as I wanted us all the have the same name. I think I was lucky in that I chose a good one😅

I did think it was probably a typo but at the same time, I love the idea of being 'indecently wealthy'!

If you are having doubts about marriage, do not get married. I've been with my partner for 22 years. We are very happy and I fully intend and expect to be with him forever, but we aren't married and I don't feel the need or the desire to marry.

Don't do it.

Its a massive risk for the wealthier person.

Really evaluate him. Would you be happier with someone on a more equal footing?! TBH, even at that I don't see the point in marrying at all.

I was the one with the potential inheritance. Once the ring is on the finger, they thing they are on easy street. They ve bagged their life endowment plan and safety net. Would you advise a hypothetical daughter to commit in similar circumstances?