Page 7 | Volunteering got complicated …..

MellowTiger · 2025-02-22T00:00:18+00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it. OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations. She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned. I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place. Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 22/02/2025 11:25

EmmaMaria · 22/02/2025 11:15

There must be more than one trustee though, so I doubt the charity will collapse if they resign.

@Livingtothefull Well if they couldn't function without their volunteers then they should have been made employees. You can't demote and dismiss volunteers.

Of course you can. In fact it is recommended good practice to have processes in place. NCVO should know what they are talking about...
https://www.ncvo.org.uk/help-and-guidance/involving-volunteers/supporting-and-managing-volunteers/dismissing-a-volunteer/

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EmmaMaria it’s like speaking to a brick wall getting through to Livingtothefull
They will not have it that you cannot dismiss or demote a volunteer, clearly Livingtothefull is ‘never wrong’ even when the evidence is staring them in the face. So bloody boring and unhelpful to OP.

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 22/02/2025 11:18

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 11:11

Well if they couldn't function without their volunteers then they should have been made employees. You can't demote and dismiss volunteers.

But I don't want to derail this thread so best not to pursue this further.

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Yes a voluntary organisation CAN dismiss a volunteer, they CAN demote a volunteer. A volunteer has NO employment rights because they are not employees. Please research this and stop repeating incorrect information.

saraclara · 22/02/2025 11:17

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:37

The OP didn't warn her not to behave in a certain way. She told her not to attend a meeting. She messaged her saying if she didn't comply she would take it further and that she had photos of the affair messages. That's a world a way from 'Sylvia if you don't stop doing X,Y or Z (specific inappropriate behaviour) I will have to make a formal complaint about X, Y and Z (specific inappropriate behaviour)' OP made it clear she would reveal the affair in all its embarrassing explicit glory if the OW attended the meeting. That's is absolutely a threat.

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Exactly that. Most of those responding on this thread don't seem to have understood that the threat wasn't just that OP would take action if this person attended the meeting. She told her that the action would include telling HR about the affair and showing the photos that she had as proof

How OP can claim that her message wasn't a threat, I really don't know. 'Do what I want or I'll tell them the reason you're mean to me and show them photos/screenshots to prove your affair with my husband' is as clear a threat as they come.

EmmaMaria · 22/02/2025 11:15

100percenthagitude · 22/02/2025 11:10

Looking at previous history, op is a trustee of this charity. The most senior volunteer role you can take on. So a whole different scenario

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There must be more than one trustee though, so I doubt the charity will collapse if they resign.

@Livingtothefull Well if they couldn't function without their volunteers then they should have been made employees. You can't demote and dismiss volunteers.

Of course you can. In fact it is recommended good practice to have processes in place. NCVO should know what they are talking about...
https://www.ncvo.org.uk/help-and-guidance/involving-volunteers/supporting-and-managing-volunteers/dismissing-a-volunteer/

penelopelondon · 22/02/2025 11:13

What a complicated self inflicted drama. Why are you putting up with a cheating husband and his mistress in a job you're not even getting paid for?

I'm assuming you're financially dependent on him otherwise it's just sheer masochism.

PastaBolognese · 22/02/2025 11:13

That OW has a brass neck. Is it her behaviour that makes you want to leave or just her presence? (Understandable either way, though galling for you) Or is it the fact her complaint was upheld? (Without knowing more details, sounds like it could be an error judgement or maybe just their standard procedures)

It's your decision alone so ignore the husband though possibly him wanting you to stay is him taking your side over hers in a way? If the charity ends up closing, we'll, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 11:11

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 22/02/2025 10:58

‘Livingtothefull’ is wrong.
I was the operations manager of a very well known charity. They could not function without their wonderful volunteers, circumstances/conduct can result in demotion, dismissal, etc.
Porcuporpoise You are exactly right

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Well if they couldn't function without their volunteers then they should have been made employees. You can't demote and dismiss volunteers.

But I don't want to derail this thread so best not to pursue this further.

100percenthagitude · 22/02/2025 11:10

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 22/02/2025 10:58

‘Livingtothefull’ is wrong.
I was the operations manager of a very well known charity. They could not function without their wonderful volunteers, circumstances/conduct can result in demotion, dismissal, etc.
Porcuporpoise You are exactly right

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Looking at previous history, op is a trustee of this charity. The most senior volunteer role you can take on. So a whole different scenario

HollyBerryz · 22/02/2025 11:07

Were you not involved in the initial investigation? I'm just wondering if you had any opportunity to explain what happened. Anyway fuck theym, leave and let them close.

Franjipanl8r · 22/02/2025 11:07

ProfessionalPirate · 22/02/2025 10:21

How is resolving anything with her DH going to impact on her present difficulties with the charity she volunteers for, which is the problem she is asking help for from this thread?

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Because she said she’s happy to stop volunteering but her DH is persuading her not to. This whole thing is a DH problem.

BigBlueRhino · 22/02/2025 11:05

I would quit the charity , don't go to the meeting and get sanctioned. This could blow up horribly if the media gets wind of this , and people stir .

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 11:04

Porcuporpoise · 22/02/2025 10:49

Thts not true.
Where I work volunteers work to an agreed job role and we have a volunteer policy which makes it clear what they are entitled to in return. They give their time to do x/y/z and in return we promise them a/b/c (support, training, volunteer expenses, that sort of thing).
The difference with paid employees is that they can do as many or as few hours as they wish and can leave tomorrow if they so chose. But they have to sign up to a code of conduct to volunteer with us and can be reprimanded or dismissed if they break it.

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It is true. And if this is really the phraseology on your policy & it refers to what employees are 'entitled' to and what the organisation 'promises' them in return, that all suggests mutuality of obligation which could well be a risk to your organisation.

It isn't just about working hours and lack of notice (although agree that is part of it). You can ask them to comply with a code of conduct but you have nothing to enforce compliance; other than ending the volunteering arrangement.

The language that relates to this is really important; it is so important to avoid any impression of a binding contract based on the phraseology used. The most a volunteering agreement or policy should do is refer to hopes & expectations, rather than obligations from both parties.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/02/2025 10:59

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:54

I think bullying is a bit excessive. She has been verbally attacking me, I didn’t want this to escalate in person. My ‘threat’ was to follow the complaints process.

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Well you did threaten her with showing them the photos. I am totally on your side by the way but I think you handled it badly.

You should have just put in a complaint about the way she was treating you. You shouldn’t have told her not to attend the meeting, it wasn’t your place.

I couldn’t stay in that marriage either.

I think you might have to find a different volunteering role unless you put in a counter complaint. Is there anyone you trust there that can help you?

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 22/02/2025 10:58

Porcuporpoise · 22/02/2025 10:49

Thts not true.
Where I work volunteers work to an agreed job role and we have a volunteer policy which makes it clear what they are entitled to in return. They give their time to do x/y/z and in return we promise them a/b/c (support, training, volunteer expenses, that sort of thing).
The difference with paid employees is that they can do as many or as few hours as they wish and can leave tomorrow if they so chose. But they have to sign up to a code of conduct to volunteer with us and can be reprimanded or dismissed if they break it.

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‘Livingtothefull’ is wrong.
I was the operations manager of a very well known charity. They could not function without their wonderful volunteers, circumstances/conduct can result in demotion, dismissal, etc.
Porcuporpoise You are exactly right

Mirabai · 22/02/2025 10:57

Porcuporpoise · 22/02/2025 10:49

Thts not true.
Where I work volunteers work to an agreed job role and we have a volunteer policy which makes it clear what they are entitled to in return. They give their time to do x/y/z and in return we promise them a/b/c (support, training, volunteer expenses, that sort of thing).
The difference with paid employees is that they can do as many or as few hours as they wish and can leave tomorrow if they so chose. But they have to sign up to a code of conduct to volunteer with us and can be reprimanded or dismissed if they break it.

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And that’s fine if one volunteer has sexually assaulted another etc.

But this was a very sensitive situation that needed careful handling and they seem to have blundered in without much thought.

LittleWeasel · 22/02/2025 10:55

The husband is the adulterer cheater and the one breaking his marriage vows, why go after her.

Also being a volunteer is voluntary, you can give up any time and the charity can appeal for other volunteers to take your place.

Mirabai · 22/02/2025 10:54

5128gap · 22/02/2025 10:37

The OP didn't warn her not to behave in a certain way. She told her not to attend a meeting. She messaged her saying if she didn't comply she would take it further and that she had photos of the affair messages. That's a world a way from 'Sylvia if you don't stop doing X,Y or Z (specific inappropriate behaviour) I will have to make a formal complaint about X, Y and Z (specific inappropriate behaviour)' OP made it clear she would reveal the affair in all its embarrassing explicit glory if the OW attended the meeting. That's is absolutely a threat.

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Threat vs warning us entirely subjective so this discussion is pointless.

Either way it was very naive of the charity to blunder in to this sensitive situation and put themselves in the position of losing a key member and shutting down. The whole thing should have been handled much more carefully.

Upholding a complaint from an affair partner against the person who has been cheated on and require them to rake over what should have been a private matter in front of 3 people is completely incompetent.

100percenthagitude · 22/02/2025 10:53

And the answer to my earlier question is "yes" - from other posts it appears that @MellowTiger is a trustee of this charity

Is it really fraud? | Mumsnet

So she should refer to trustee code of conduct and also Nolan Principles in terms of how she behaves and how she has managed this situation and what she does next - am assuming OW is not in such a senior position in the charity?

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2025 10:53

I don't understand how you walking away (as a volunteer) will close the charity?

Is it a proper, regulated one? How on earth does it operate?

spuddy4 · 22/02/2025 10:51

I don't understand why you'd want your private life aired and put yourself through all this stress for a volunteer role. Surely when all this is done everyone is going to know about the affair? If it was me I'd have left my husband and the charity a long time ago with my dignity in tact.

Porcuporpoise · 22/02/2025 10:49

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:42

You can't 'demote' a volunteer or restrict their duties - as there is no contractual role/designated duties to be demoted or restricted from.

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Thts not true.
Where I work volunteers work to an agreed job role and we have a volunteer policy which makes it clear what they are entitled to in return. They give their time to do x/y/z and in return we promise them a/b/c (support, training, volunteer expenses, that sort of thing).
The difference with paid employees is that they can do as many or as few hours as they wish and can leave tomorrow if they so chose. But they have to sign up to a code of conduct to volunteer with us and can be reprimanded or dismissed if they break it.

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 22/02/2025 10:48

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

With respect I’m wondering
‘what is wrong with you’? … saying
“It’s the husbands fault not hers”…
Give your head a shake. It takes two, it’s not just her husband’s fault, and I can’t see any bullying towards the OW going on here. OP is in a very uncomfortable situation, I wouldn’t want to share the same airspace with OW, and DH would need to pack his case and walk too.
Sounds like you’ve been or are an ‘OW’ because you appear to have a very deep understanding and sympathetic attitude of things from that perspective.
A bit of support for OP is what’s needed… if you can manage that.

Livingtothefull · 22/02/2025 10:47

Negroany · 22/02/2025 10:34

If a charity can collapse due to one volunteer leaving, that volunteer should be an employee.

Anyway, leave, and leave your abusive husband.

100% agree. It sounds that the charity has been benefiting from the OP's hard work, loyalty and goodwill for years, and is now showing that the loyalty and goodwill is not reciprocated.

And if her 'D'H had any decency, he would be stepping away rather than letting OP be subjected to this.

Snowmanscarf · 22/02/2025 10:46

KateShugakIsALegend · 22/02/2025 09:42

Leave the charity, leave the husband.

Neither value you.

Give your energies to people who do.

This

Rewis · 22/02/2025 10:44

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on

your husbands opinion is irrelevant. Do I understand correctly that is you were to stop volunteering it could lead to charity closure? That's not a viable charity if it all depends on one person. No need to feel guilty about anything and just quit if you want.