Page 3 | Volunteering got complicated …..

PeachyPeachTrees · 23/02/2025 21:15

A 6 year affair is bad enough, but under your nose is even worse. Leaving the charity is the right decision and you will be welcomed elsewhere. How are you still with DH?

MustWeDoThis · 23/02/2025 21:11

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

Why is the OW getting all the blame in this? Why does your husband get forgiveness and protection, but she has none?

I would leave him and have some compassion regarding how the other woman is feeling. You just need to accept this is the situation, if you're going to stay with a cheat of a coward, then you'll just need to accept the awkward situation from the OW. They're both as disgusting as one another, but she shouldn't be getting all of the blame here. Treat them both indifferently and just get on with what you need to do.

It's a personal matter which should not have been brought into the workplace and your conversation with her should not have taken place - It amounts to blackmail; "Behave or I'll destroy you." - It's a threat. You've let them get to you and now you're being punished for it. You should have just gone above her to speak with someone.

Umbrella15 · 23/02/2025 21:07

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

I think you will find that it is partially the ow fault, if she knew he was married which she clearly did, and she carried on anyway. I dont get why women never blame the OW. It takes 2 to have an affair, without the other person the affair wouldnt of happened and she could of walked away.

lou123456789 · 23/02/2025 20:44

Leave your husband???

Breezeblock · 23/02/2025 20:39

Bearbookagainandagain · 23/02/2025 19:56

@MellowTiger ahah, i do agree with this poster too (despite my sanctimonious response).

I think going into this situation with the charity thinking you were in the right isn't going to help you, but I would also say fuck it and leave them all to it!

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Yes, I think if I wanted my colleagues to behave impeccably towards me, I’d probably avoid sleeping with their husbands and then needling them in the workplace. I suspect if OP leaves (both the charity and partner) then the woman in question might quickly find out she’s not flavour of the month in either setting.

Vynalbob · 23/02/2025 20:36

My view
Lay out all the evidence to the panel. Don't hold bits back as it may skew their opinion.
Some PPs are jumping to the conclusion you were going to complain about the relationship not her behaviour. However now you have to appeal you'll have to lay out all facts, evidence & reasoning chronologically.
Good luck

Original poster

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 20:13

Breezeblock · 23/02/2025 19:36

Honestly, fuck it, sure we are all meant to be 100% professional all of the time, but she’s slept with your husband, given you a hard time at work and made a complaint about you, so I’d be done with both of them and the charity that wants to sanction you.

Also, I probably wouldn’t want to hang around here being told off by sanctimonious posters either, but that’s just me. Good luck with whatever you decide OP, things can only improve from here on.

Edited

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Good point - I’ve actually got what I needed from this, some guidance and ideas for taking stuff forward. There’s clearly a high percentage of MNs that can’t read anyway 🤣

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arcticpandas · 23/02/2025 20:11

Where is your pride and self-worth @MellowTiger ? Your husband fucked this woman for 6 years and you're still with him. He has probably found someone else right now. Why would you put up with such a twat? You do know there are decent men out there but yours' is definitiely not one.

Practicepracticepracticeagain · 23/02/2025 20:11

Bearbookagainandagain · 23/02/2025 19:41

Sorry but you were wrong in this situation. It is not your place to tell her which meeting she can or cannot attend, and she was right to report it. With the additional threat to "report" the affair to the charity, it was massively inappropriate.

If you had an issue with the way she was behaving in meetings, you should have raised a complaint yourself (with the testimony of those who noticed her behaviour, not evidence of the affair that has nothing to do with the charity!).
Now it's the exact opposite that happened, you've given her written evidence that you're bullying her!

Totally disagree. What, exactly, did this woman think would happen when they got caught? It wasn’t exactly “professional” of her, was it? But now she’s whining that op isn’t being professional? She’s got front, I’ll give her that.
And yes, yes, the husband is absolutely to blame but OW is clearly no shrinking violet. She knew exactly what she was doing but now she’s being unpleasant to op (undoubtedly because she’s been dumped), op has called her out on it and ow is crying in her milkshake? Do me a favour. I have zero sympathy with her. Being a shit person does in fact have consequences.

Bearbookagainandagain · 23/02/2025 19:56

Breezeblock · 23/02/2025 19:36

Honestly, fuck it, sure we are all meant to be 100% professional all of the time, but she’s slept with your husband, given you a hard time at work and made a complaint about you, so I’d be done with both of them and the charity that wants to sanction you.

Also, I probably wouldn’t want to hang around here being told off by sanctimonious posters either, but that’s just me. Good luck with whatever you decide OP, things can only improve from here on.

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@MellowTiger ahah, i do agree with this poster too (despite my sanctimonious response).

I think going into this situation with the charity thinking you were in the right isn't going to help you, but I would also say fuck it and leave them all to it!

Bearbookagainandagain · 23/02/2025 19:41

Sorry but you were wrong in this situation. It is not your place to tell her which meeting she can or cannot attend, and she was right to report it. With the additional threat to "report" the affair to the charity, it was massively inappropriate.

If you had an issue with the way she was behaving in meetings, you should have raised a complaint yourself (with the testimony of those who noticed her behaviour, not evidence of the affair that has nothing to do with the charity!).
Now it's the exact opposite that happened, you've given her written evidence that you're bullying her!

MustardGlass · 23/02/2025 19:38

I would have turned up to the meeting to ask her for clarification- did she have evidence of the things she was saying or was she clouded by the fact she had a affair with your husband and you found out and the affair ended making her a scorned woman.
youve done nothing wrong and she is a unhinged bully.

Breezeblock · 23/02/2025 19:36

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 19:35

No. I said I would take the matter further and that I had copies of conversations so she couldn’t deny the affair.
As I’ve said, there’s 100 ways to word it, and I probably did it badly, but I was trying to say I will make a formal complaint and I will say that (her) attitude is a result of the end of her relationship why my DH which I can prove.

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Honestly, fuck it, sure we are all meant to be 100% professional all of the time, but she’s slept with your husband, given you a hard time at work and made a complaint about you, so I’d be done with both of them and the charity that wants to sanction you.

Also, I probably wouldn’t want to hang around here being told off by sanctimonious posters either, but that’s just me. Good luck with whatever you decide OP, things can only improve from here on.

Original poster

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 19:35

Blushingm · 23/02/2025 19:26

@MellowTiger you said you would show the charity copies of the messages showing the affair did you not?

No. I said I would take the matter further and that I had copies of conversations so she couldn’t deny the affair.
As I’ve said, there’s 100 ways to word it, and I probably did it badly, but I was trying to say I will make a formal complaint and I will say that (her) attitude is a result of the end of her relationship why my DH which I can prove.

OP posts:

Original poster

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 19:29

category12 · 23/02/2025 15:49

Can you elaborate on how she was "verbally attacking" you in meetings? What sort of things was she saying?

Because you initially said she was being "awkward" in meetings, which seems a bit different.

Critical of my work - speed, amount of things being done, querying a lot of things I did, saying there always seemed to be problems with what I’d done but not being able to give examples. Generally not letting things lie when I’d said I didn’t have particular data/information on me. More than anything asking questions of me but no one else and her general attitude/tone.

OP posts:

Blushingm · 23/02/2025 19:26

@MellowTiger you said you would show the charity copies of the messages showing the affair did you not?

martinisforeveryone · 23/02/2025 19:19

@MellowTiger I have read your latest updates and I still maintain you did not threaten this woman, or bully her. I consider that asserting your position you issued an ultimatum for her to behave fairly and sensibly (during the course of your working meetings etc) or you would be forced to counter her behaviour with some explanatory background information forming a complaint of your own.

Lyraloo · 23/02/2025 19:15

Maybe your dh is worried he’ll have no reason to see other woman if the charity is not there as an excuse!

category12 · 23/02/2025 19:02

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 18:52

Where did I say I would expose the affair if she didn’t withdraw from the event?

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Well OK, you threatened you would expose the affair if she continued "being the way she was" while at the same time asking her not to attend. 😂

Original poster

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 18:52

category12 · 23/02/2025 17:45

Nobody's behaviour is exactly covering them in glory 😂

OW done OP wrong by shagging her husband and then being snippy & critical in the aftermath.
OP shouldn't have threatened to expose the affair to stop her attending an event.
OP's DH is a prize prick.

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Where did I say I would expose the affair if she didn’t withdraw from the event?

OP posts:

category12 · 23/02/2025 17:45

Breezeblock · 23/02/2025 17:35

Just on that clarity, which ‘she’ are you referring to? The OP or the woman who had the affair with her husband?

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Nobody's behaviour is exactly covering them in glory 😂

OW done OP wrong by shagging her husband and then being snippy & critical in the aftermath.
OP shouldn't have threatened to expose the affair to stop her attending an event.
OP's DH is a prize prick.

Breezeblock · 23/02/2025 17:35

Numberfish · 23/02/2025 06:44

She IS the baddie here. It’s rarely clearer.

Just on that clarity, which ‘she’ are you referring to? The OP or the woman who had the affair with her husband?

Original poster

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 16:30

Negroany · 22/02/2025 13:04

If it's the same charity she's talking about, and if she is a trustee and OW is not, then her behaviour towards OW in this context is awful. She should be removed from her role, no doubt about it.

It's unconscionable that a charity would have to close due to one trustee leaving. If that is the case, the whole board has been remiss in its duties and it probably deserves to shut down!

As an aside, what on earth is going on with all these people going to things they don't need to? OW going to a meeting she doesn't need to be at (allegedly ). In the other thread Person A trying to claim expenses for an event they didn't have the right to claim expenses for (i.e. had no need to be there!).
I wonder if either of the people in the other thread are OW??

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Different organisations.

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PanicPanicc · 23/02/2025 16:04

@MellowTiger best of luck, OP. I hope you can heal from this awful situation.

Original poster

MellowTiger · 23/02/2025 16:01

Thank you to all those who have read my post fully and responded constructively - even those who said I ABU. I now have greater clarity on the matter and can see why this situation could have been perceived as a threat. There’s been lots of good content that will enable me to put forward that it was not intended as a threat but as an alternative resolution to following the official complaints process which would mean potentially revealing personal facts.
To those that didn’t read my full post but commented anyway, your lack of compassion is matched only by your inability to read.
My intention is to make a statement in the hope that they will reverse the decision to uphold the complaint. However, regardless of the outcome, I will be leaving the charity. My DH may take a little longer to deal with.

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