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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Leafy74 · 21/02/2025 16:47

ThePartingOfTheWays · 21/02/2025 13:33

In general, or in this particular household?

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In general, who is most likely to reduced their hours after children, the mother or father?🤔

RampantIvy · 21/02/2025 16:46

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:43

If he said that, we’d need to go to counselling and talk it through because we would no longer have the same vision for the future.

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Is he on board with having another baby? It would be his fifth child..

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 16:46

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 16:19

I don't get that impression on Mumsnet when women talk about mil and DM. Not all women are maternal some are evil and horrible people.

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Would your own mother perhaps fall in to this category?

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 16:41

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 16:09

What a small minded question to ask. Why are men on Mumsnet. Why do some men get full custody of their children? My DD's boyfriend had no contact with his mother she wasn't allowed near her children.

How long has your DD been with her boyfriend?

LastRoIo · 21/02/2025 16:40

I think a lot of men are just happy to be the provider. If they earn enough money for their wife to not have to work, and she doesn't want to, many will just say "OK, no problem".

LastRoIo · 21/02/2025 16:35

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 16:15

Those types are normally paid to be the pretty trophy wife. They are expected to be ladies who lunch but also be gym bunnies in shape, perfect hair and make up. A yes women on his arm.

Sadly often traded in once their looks “expire” women don’t tend to be so fickle on their partners looks as his naturally ages. Often cheated on while they are out “networking”.

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Well, that's the stereotype but it doesn't really match up with my experiences growing up in an upper middle class area - my father was from a really poor background but worked hard and did well for himself.

I remember very few of my friends' mothers working when I was young but most of the dads had pretty big jobs. They mostly seemed like pretty normal people but just rather well off. The men weren't player types waltzing around on the red carpet with a 25yo blond on their arm lol.

MsVi · 21/02/2025 16:33

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 15:08

I’m already paying more of the household bills and for stuff directly for SC, just not maintenance. I don’t think any stepparents should pay maintenance.

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It sounds like you are paying more than your fair share.

Out of interest , why is he paying so much child support when you have the stepchildren every weekend and every school holiday.

aylis · 21/02/2025 16:25

It doesn't sound like there's any need for you to go back 5 days? You're the majority breadwinner and the majority childcare and the majority domestic chores so I think you're doing plenty.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/02/2025 16:24

I think outright refusing is unreasonable but talking about it in a year or so is absolutely fine.

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 21/02/2025 16:21

I wouldn’t be too worried about this at the mo OP, given that DH said ‘in about two years’ I’d just brush it off with a ‘we’ll see how things go’ response then move on.
Its not worth getting upset about in the here and now, or even discussing with DH.
Enjoy your Wednesday off with DC and go with the flow, in two years you might have a sibling on the way which will determine everything.

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:20

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 16:19

I don't get that impression on Mumsnet when women talk about mil and DM. Not all women are maternal some are evil and horrible people.

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Sorry but it's factual. When you account for that fact that women are the primary carer most of the time, whether that be in the home or in a childcare setting men are proportionally far far more dangerous to children.

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 16:19

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:16

Not proportionally though. Men are far worse when they actually do the caring.

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I don't get that impression on Mumsnet when women talk about mil and DM. Not all women are maternal some are evil and horrible people.

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 16:16

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 16:12

Am I alone in finding something genuinely a bit sinister about @Billydavey

maybe because I’ve come across him on other threads
Needless to say he has a nasty cheating ex who is completely unreasonable

Can we keep my history off this thread, it’s totally irrelevant

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:16

LastRoIo · 21/02/2025 16:14

Why do some men get full custody of their children? My DD's boyfriend had no contact with his mother she wasn't allowed near her children.

Statistically, we're the main abusers of children. Most people don't know this because the focus is usually only on sexual abuse.

Not proportionally though. Men are far worse when they actually do the caring.

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 16:15

LastRoIo · 21/02/2025 16:11

But on the flipside there's not many wealthy women who'd happily work a high level job and fund a partner sitting at home doing nothing. A lot of men do this however.

I'm talking about the women pulling up at the private schools in their big Range Rovers they didn't pay for and leaving all the housework to the cleaners. There's not many 'lads that lunch' compared to 'ladies that lunch' let's be honest.

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Those types are normally paid to be the pretty trophy wife. They are expected to be ladies who lunch but also be gym bunnies in shape, perfect hair and make up. A yes women on his arm.

Sadly often traded in once their looks “expire” women don’t tend to be so fickle on their partners looks as his naturally ages. Often cheated on while they are out “networking”.

LastRoIo · 21/02/2025 16:14

Why do some men get full custody of their children? My DD's boyfriend had no contact with his mother she wasn't allowed near her children.

Statistically, we're the main abusers of children. Most people don't know this because the focus is usually only on sexual abuse.

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 16:12

Am I alone in finding something genuinely a bit sinister about @Billydavey

maybe because I’ve come across him on other threads
Needless to say he has a nasty cheating ex who is completely unreasonable

LastRoIo · 21/02/2025 16:11

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 12:30

Show me any bloke ever since the dawn of time who takes a full day off on purpose to spend with their baby, covers 60% of all costs and does 90% of the grunt work too.

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But on the flipside there's not many wealthy women who'd happily work a high level job and fund a partner sitting at home doing nothing. A lot of men do this however.

I'm talking about the women pulling up at the private schools in their big Range Rovers they didn't pay for and leaving all the housework to the cleaners. There's not many 'lads that lunch' compared to 'ladies that lunch' let's be honest.

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 16:09

What a small minded question to ask. Why are men on Mumsnet. Why do some men get full custody of their children? My DD's boyfriend had no contact with his mother she wasn't allowed near her children.

Mrsredlipstick · 21/02/2025 16:06

I've put up a thread on chat re why do men post on mumsnet. Could someone more techy than me link it? Thanks.

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 16:00

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:57

Though notice in not Mumsnet fashion. A lot of support for a shocker 😱 step mother.

All us bitter first wife’s and whatnot must be having a day off

Step mums are usually mud on Mumsnet. The first wife's are out working their arses of for their children.

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 16:00

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:58

So you want me to start a thread asking you specifically why you post mumsnet giving your male view (unsolicited) on matters?

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If you want to know.

better than me blathering on this one about why I’m here…

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:59

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:58

So you want me to start a thread asking you specifically why you post mumsnet giving your male view (unsolicited) on matters?

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I can mansplain it for you already.

“Because I can”

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 15:59

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:58

So you want me to start a thread asking you specifically why you post mumsnet giving your male view (unsolicited) on matters?

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Cause he's a man, and men don't like equality when it's women who benefit.