DH won’t have my back with in-laws

My bil said some awful things about me.
I totally grey rock him now.
However when there’s a family event I encourage dh to go but he won’t.
He says that his db was mean to me and dh prioritises my feelings.

Your dh should put you first and if that means missing his df’s 60th then tough, your in-laws are extremely rude to uninvite you.

Don't destroy your life and future over your SIL difficulties

A life and a future with a disloyal H isn't one I'd want to have. SIL difficulties is one thing. H not supporting her and attending functions she's being excluded from isn't a SIL issue it's a H issue.

OP, do not create unnecessary tension in your marriage over this. Not everything in life should be viewed as a competition. There is no need to ask your husband to choose between you and his parents. That really cannot lead to any good outcome no matter how you look at it.

At the core of this, as @moderndilemma said, is people trying to deal with a rock and a hard place. Your approach really was not wise but what has been done, has been done. Don't destroy your life and future over your SIL difficulties. See this for what it is and enjoy your life. Do not invite this ridiculous drama into your life. What prize is there to gain?

Good luck.

He's not on your side. He's shown his true colours it's not even about SIL now. You should consider how this leaves your marriage if he doesn't protect you.

How might this look through the lens of your PILs viewpoint? (I ask this as a parent of adult dcs in a very different but comparable situation)

Imagine, your PIL have 2 dc, each with partner and child. dc1 has reasonable and stable partner and healthy child, dc2 has child with challenges and a partner who is not managing well / isn't particularly likeable / possibly has mh issues and lies.

Despite their preferences for the whole situation and ambience with dc1 and family, dc2 (and family) needs more support. They ask dc1 and family to tolerate the poor behaviour. But if they don't - what do PIL do?

Rock and a hard place.

And now the situation has happened, your dh is similarly caught between a rock and a hard place. This is not something you can win.

So, he doesn't seem bothered that you've been dis-invited? Presumably, he thinks the party would be more enjoyable without you there? Yup, he's a keeper.

This.

What more do you need to know.

He's a disloyal, spineless wimp.

You are the path of least resistance. Its easier to exclude you from family functions than her because you won't kick off, make up lies and cause problems. Your H isn't being supportive. He went to a family function that you were excluded from. He doesn't have your back. My husband wouldn't attend something I had been uninvited from. Thet are being unfair and unreasonable because they are scared of her. I'd actually consider divorcing his arse. He's not demonstrating any loyalty to you.

My partner would never let his family treat me like this. And I know for a fact he would pick me over then and u reasonable behaviour. Sorry I would get rid of the husband

No, she's not allowed to do that. But this:

It wasn't a great idea to confront her in this way and drag everyone into it by insisting in your continued questioning of her even when it was clear she was not engaging and would play the victim.

There were far better ways to have that conversation with her. You shouldn't have done it on your PIL's turf and dragged everyone into it.

You basically fuelled her problem with you, and made things much worse.

No one is allowing her to lie. She will lie because she can and she is just that type of person. Do you really think she will stop lying because you confront her or your in-laws confront her? What do you want them to do and how do you see this playing out? What did you think would happen when you confronted her? With people like her, there is no end to the drama and ultimately, everyone's mental health suffers when they try to engage reasonably with someone like this. Sometimes the best thing is to tolerate and avoid. No joy comes from trying to make such people see sense.

I’m just imagining the DH standing alone like a lemon at the family gathering when his wife isn’t there. Pathetic.

Horrible that they’ve chosen her over you when they all know she’s a liar.

I think I would just cut them all off. Block their numbers, refuse to see them and stop doing anything for them (birthdays etc) then think about whether you and DH can get past this.

Or maybe, just let them know they’ve picked the wrong SIL. Because BIL’s wife is a self centred compulsive liar and she’ll turn against them one day because that’s what people like her do. Whereas you would have been a kind and supportive DIL who would always have been there for them. But their choice. Over and out.

Going against the tide here, but you don't need to force an us/me/them confrontation.
I know a couple where the husband's mother took increasingly against the wife after marriage, after the children / grandchildren were born. It was irrational, probably caused partly by strokes, but MIL became increasingly convinced that DIL was the source of endless nastiness and problems.
DIL withdrew, didn't go with husband to visit MIL again, but encouraged DH to take the grandchildren to see their grandmother, etc. DH and grandchildren had a good relationship with their mother / grandmother.
The advantage of this - DH didn't have to pick between wife and mother, grandchildren got to benefit from a good relationship with their grandmother, grandmother got to see her grandchildren.
It might not be easy to do, but I can see serious advantages.

OP you need to decide what you want out of this. Otherwise, you will get consumed in your feelings about being wronged.

It wasn't a great idea to confront her in this way and drag everyone into it by insisting in your continued questioning of her even when it was clear she was not engaging and would play the victim.

Whilst there is a possibility she may threaten you job situation, surely this is very remote? I would not use this as something to strengthen your argument. It is enough to make a point that it is untrue rather than engage in high drama.

There are some people, who are genuine narcissistic. Your SIL sounds like she may be like that. They lie for no obvious reason and everyone around them learn to ignore and avoid them. Sometimes, that genuinely is the best way of dealing with these people. No joy comes from "confronting" them. It is a waste of your time,

Ultimately, decide whether your SIL is someone you want to waste any energy on and if you decide you don't, live your life as if she does not exist. Stop trying to confront her as if you are dealing with a reasonable person and don't put others in a position where they need to "speak sense to" or challenge a narcissistic person. There is no success with such people. Only chaos and pain for others. Your clear evidence is she has successfully caused a rift between you and your in-laws and your husband when previously there was no such rift.

There is probably nothing your husband or in-laws can say or do that will get at this SIL. She will be the perfect victim and simply cause terrible chaos for all of you. If you think her accusation about your mocking her son is bad, wait till you hear what else she will say. Do you really think someone who can lie for no obvious reason will be stopped by rational reasoning? She will simply make up even more egregious lies.

Don't engage with this person and don't let her ruin your relationships.

LTB is said far too easily on mn. In this case, I definitely would leave him! He has made his decision very clearly, he has chosen his family over his wife. You could have chosen a more appropriate place to confront her, however, this does not equate to him not backing you up. It's truly awful, he is not your safe person anymore, I would lose all respect for my husband, he's a weak spineless coward.

@ByBoldGoldFinch you're right you were absolutely in your right there!

How mean of your IL.Can’t imagine what they think will become of this. I would be taking your DC and having a lovely day out whilst DH goes to celebrate FIL’s birthday.

Yeah, he sounds like an absolute prick. How can he consider going to a family party you've been uninvited from? Im sorry OP If I had somewhere to go, I'd go, id really feel as if I'd been kicked out of the family and that my OH wasn't actually trying to make sure I still had my place in it.

He’s trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one
having been in a similar position to him I can assure you it’s horrendous
ultimately it very easy for you to kick in laws to the kerb in this situation. It’s not an easy for him to cut himself off from his own mum and dad

Stick up for yourself op.
If you need your man or others to stick up for you you need to re think.

The thing you will never really trust any of them again, the BIL/SIL, the MIL/FIL and worst of all your husband. I would feel so utterly betrayed if I had been 'banned' from attending a family gathering yet my husband chose to attend without me. I don't know how you come back from this ..... He has shown his true colours.

What do you plan to do OP?

Your PIL seem terrified to upset the other SIL...prob because she'd stop them seeing their grandchild. Hence they've 'taken her side'.

Your 'd'H doesn't have your back at all. And if he continues to socialise with them, in events that you have been dis-invited to, you need to consider couples counselling and if he won't do that, he can speak to your solicitor about your divorce petition; what would he rather?. What an arsehole; selling you off for his precious mummy and brother...fuck that.

Why on earth is your DH going to a family do when you've been uninvited?

Any person with a modicum of self respect would refuse to go to a family do if their partner was uninvited? Does he have no dignity to let his family treat his partner like that??