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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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Mummer123 · 06/02/2025 10:45

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:40

No way! I’ll book myself in for an all day spa next year instead 😆

Even better!! Phone off and relax and let him see what not doing anything for his birthday is really like. Sometimes it takes us to lose something to appreciate what we have and get a dose of reality. Maybe that’s exactly what your husband needs!

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:45

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

The cycle is that he behaves badly in the days leading up to his birthday then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. I would never do that I always make a huge effort to make it special for him. I really do bend over backwards for him.

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:44

didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care.

You need real help, not a spa day and a giggle.

More importantly your children need help, and you are responsible for seeing that they get that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2025 10:44

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:38

I can honestly say this is 100% real 😔 He has always acted up around his birthdays/starts fights in the days leading up to them and then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. Some years have been ok but this year was particularly bad.

I think I'd be sitting him down in a month or so when his birthday is done and dusted, and telling him that it's clear he struggles with his birthdays for reasons that you cannot change, and that you think it would be best if from now on his birthday was a non-event and no attention was paid to it. You consider it necessary that he not be reminded of his own dad and how he himself is affected by his dad, and that ignoring his birthday from now on will make him happier in the long run. And stick to it!

I might also throw in that you refuse to be punished for the (mis)deeds of his father any more, when he inevitably has a strop about it.

Honestly, the amount of fuss paid to his birthday is completely mad, unless is was a 'big, ending in a zero' birthday! I think that's part of the problem, this over-celebrating for an adult birthday.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

Felicityjoy · 06/02/2025 10:41

If he sees no fault in how he behaved, I’d show him this thread. Really. Reading the list of how immaturely and rudely he behaved, like a spoilt entitled child, might make him think a bit, and seeing the comments of everyone else might make him realise what his behaviour looks like to others.

But congratulations on having brought your children up to be decent human beings regardless!

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

OP posts:
ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:32

The odd thing is that even though he’s got some bad memories surrounding his birthdays he still expects a lot of fuss/lots of presents etc. He still wants to celebrate it but is extremely difficult to deal with.

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:42

OP - are you WineGumm?

Who posted about the way he treated you last Fathers Day? When he called you vile and rotten and said he was going to urinate on your clothes?

I also remember your post about the argument you had when you were out with your children and how he was shouting at you in the middle of the street.

And the post where he made your son steal some Airbuds he found on the floor.

You also started a thread about making a plan to leave him due to his abuse and said you had contacted Women's Aid?

What's happened?! Why are you still there?! Your poor children are witnessing and involved in all of this.

You need to get them - and you - out. NOW.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:42

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:39

You're not making it up but unless you are taking active steps to get help you're letting it continue.

I’m quietly making plans(I have a small eff off fund) but I’m stuck in the meantime unfortunately.

OP posts:
Felicityjoy · 06/02/2025 10:41

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:26

I was close to walking out. Honestly I was dreading that meal and just wanted the day to be over with. He said just now that he felt like me and the children were making fun of him/laughing at him calling him ungrateful. He sees absolutely no fault in how he behaved.

If he sees no fault in how he behaved, I’d show him this thread. Really. Reading the list of how immaturely and rudely he behaved, like a spoilt entitled child, might make him think a bit, and seeing the comments of everyone else might make him realise what his behaviour looks like to others.

But congratulations on having brought your children up to be decent human beings regardless!

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 06/02/2025 10:41

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:38

Not a wind up. I bloody wish I was making this up.

Well, wow. I think he needs specialist help. I think you need to decide if you are happy in this relationship, and take it from there.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:40

Mummer123 · 06/02/2025 10:39

I’d book him an all day spa day or golf day or something from here on in so that you don’t have to deal with him on his birthday!

No way! I’ll book myself in for an all day spa next year instead 😆

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:39

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:38

Not a wind up. I bloody wish I was making this up.

You're not making it up but unless you are taking active steps to get help you're letting it continue.

Mummer123 · 06/02/2025 10:39

I’d book him an all day spa day or golf day or something from here on in so that you don’t have to deal with him on his birthday!

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:38

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 06/02/2025 10:35

This made me chuckle (sorry) as I wouldn't accept that behaviour from a child, let alone a spouse. If this post is not a windup, then I would have him checked by a specialist as he seems to be mentally regressing to toddlerhood. Did he get a head injury recently?

Not a wind up. I bloody wish I was making this up.

OP posts:
ProfessionalPirate · 06/02/2025 10:38

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This is offensive. There’s no way either of my children would have behaved like this at 5. 2 years old, maybe, although it would have been nipped in the bud immediately. Certainly wouldn’t have pandered to it like the OP.

Snorandrepeat · 06/02/2025 10:37

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:32

Why aren't you acknowledging the further more distressing issues that you've previously posted about?

This goes far beyond birthdays and father's day.

THIS 👆HOW ARE YOU PROTECTING THE CHILDREN?

Mirabai · 06/02/2025 10:36

This is not just birthdays and Christmas OP you are married to an absolute twat.

How can this be your life?

SwerveCity · 06/02/2025 10:36

What a giant ungrateful fucking man baby. Seriously. And what adult demands a birthday banner on the front door? He sounds vile.

Duckswaddle · 06/02/2025 10:35

You need to stop complaining and actually do something about it.
It sounds like you’re just going to put up with it though. Where’s your anger?

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 06/02/2025 10:35

This made me chuckle (sorry) as I wouldn't accept that behaviour from a child, let alone a spouse. If this post is not a windup, then I would have him checked by a specialist as he seems to be mentally regressing to toddlerhood. Did he get a head injury recently?

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:35

Crunchymum · 06/02/2025 10:33

Has the family buffet happened yet? If not cancel it.

Awful behaviour.

Does he ruin Christmas as well?

Not yet. This Christmas he was difficult in the days leading up to it and had a couple of twattish moments on the day.

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 06/02/2025 10:35

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This!
And I know five year olds who behave much better!!

Is this even for real?
Honestly, I couldn't look at my husband the same way ever again.
I hate adults throwing tantrums. It would be the end. 😕

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:35

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:33

Yeah it’s just the tip of the iceberg really.

Sounds very much like it is. Don't distract yourself with some poor behaviour over a birthday when your got wide reaching systemic issues in your family dynamic that are deeply affecting your children and need addressing.

Get some IRL support.

Birdie280125 · 06/02/2025 10:34

He needs therapy or to get a grip, NOT to take it out on you.