Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
StandFirm · 06/02/2025 10:56

I'm afraid you were his emotional punching ball. There's no excuse for that. He needs therapy sharpish and you need a proper break from him. Then at the end of that, assess whether there's any kind of future here.

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 06/02/2025 10:55

How can you bare to be married to such a pathetic manchild?

Devon24 · 06/02/2025 10:55

At this point op it’s not his birthday is it, he is abusive pure and simple, and your poor children are growing up around this.

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 06/02/2025 10:54

I would tell him that you made a lot of effort for his birthday.

If there is the slightest misbehaviour before or on the day next time, you are doing nothing and mean it.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:54

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

You were PROUD?! Of them witnessing their dad behaving like a selfish and abusive prick with absolutely no consideration of his children's feelings?!?!

Your kids are witnessing this behaviour at least twice a year (I'm not even going to go into your other posts) and you think this is ok?!

You posted last Fathers Day an almost identical post and yet here we are, 8 months down the line, with your poor children having to go through it all again. And then inevitably again in July....

Do you not realise how this is going to effect them as they get older?!

Crunchymum · 06/02/2025 10:54

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:35

Not yet. This Christmas he was difficult in the days leading up to it and had a couple of twattish moments on the day.

It's not good is it - All high days and holidays being ruined by a grown man who has never dealt with his issues?

How are family holidays? Has this behaviour escalated over time?

How is he as a husband and father when he isn't in one of these moods?

How old are the kids? You say they've pulled him up on it so they're obviously old enough to notice.

If it were me I'd be expecting him to undertake some serious and long term therapy to sort himself out. This would be last change saloon though.

I assume you aren't in a position to leave him?

Edited as I've just seen you have suspicions he might be autistic. In that case I'd be expecting him to seek a diagnosis and then look at therapy.

Being autistic is not an excuse for vile and emotionally abusive behaviour.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:53

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 10:52

I am not jumping to neurodivergence on a whim, but this is VERY typical of autism, according to the many, many, support groups I’m in. The whole thing just jumped out at me - and it’s apparently common in adults too.

The behaviour is mind blowingly ridiculous but it does make me wonder?

Interesting. I do think he might be autistic.

OP posts:
eremition · 06/02/2025 10:53

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

Really? Because I would call social services for you allowing this to continue.

It’s your job to protect them, not letting it go so far that you are PROUD that they are calling out his abusive behaviour. They shouldn’t have to do that. Shame on you.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 06/02/2025 10:52

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 10:46

Why are you enabling all this, though? Why are you buying presents and appeasing him? Are you frightened of him?

If not, your options aren’t just LTB or be a doormat. You can refuse to accept shitty behaviour and stand up for yourself. Or can’t you?

Yes, this. If you can't leave him right now, at least start pulling back and disengaging. God, your poor kids.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 10:52

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:33

He treats me well on my own birthday but there’s a pattern of him behaving badly around his own birthday.

I am not jumping to neurodivergence on a whim, but this is VERY typical of autism, according to the many, many, support groups I’m in. The whole thing just jumped out at me - and it’s apparently common in adults too.

The behaviour is mind blowingly ridiculous but it does make me wonder?

cardibach · 06/02/2025 10:52

Berlinlover · 06/02/2025 09:35

I find it hard to believe this is real, although I know from reading Mumsnet that adult birthdays are a much bigger deal in the UK than they are here in Ireland. If it is real your husband sounds like a fruitcake.

They aren't a big deal in my experience. People do something for milestone ones, but no big deal for 'ordinary' ones. A few cards. A present or two. Maybe arrange to meet friends for a drink at some point in the vague vicinity of the birthday, but that's really just a relabelled normal meetup with friends.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/02/2025 10:51

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 10:47

I really do bend over backwards for him.

Why?

Well, exactly. You could have flags and bunting from one end of the street to the other, fireworks starting at midnight, a hundred presents, a chef-cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner and a marching band at the bedroom door the moment he woke up - he would still moan and whine all day long.

Drop your end of the rope, stop trying to make it all better for him, you are wasting your time and you are not his therapist. Tell him what will happen next year - a present from you, some presents from the children, a takeaway and a cake. Pare back the whole thing. Your kids are going to learn to dread dad's birthday, it will become a misery-fest for the entire family. Whatever his issues are, he is a selfish and ungrateful husband and dad.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2025 10:51

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:45

The cycle is that he behaves badly in the days leading up to his birthday then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. I would never do that I always make a huge effort to make it special for him. I really do bend over backwards for him.

And the cycle will continue if you continue to bend over backwards for him.

'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'.

Break the cycle.

Nodddy · 06/02/2025 10:50

How deeply unattractive. How old is he? A grown up acting like that awful spoilt princess on ITV. Ew.

Grammarnut · 06/02/2025 10:50

Huh! All that for a birthday, as if he was a child? Is it a big 0? Late DH and I usually exchanged birthday cards (if late DH remembered) but bought each other presents (e.g. a sideboard, I collect them) during the year. Might have a meal out, might just go to pub. Honestly, you are married to a man-child. Tell him birthday treats are for children and buy him a birthday card next year, arrange nothing else. He's a spoilt ingrate.

MandyFriend · 06/02/2025 10:49

In the next few weeks, I suggest having a serious talk with him pointing out how his unreasonable behaviour was both upsetting and unnecessary. He needs to understand that just because it is his birthday, he doesn't get to behave like a spoilt man child. He needs to get counselling to unpick why he behaves like this on his special days and understand why it cannot continue. If he refuses to get help or to commit to behaving better in the future, give him what he really wants next birthday and totally ignore it is happening!

Tipsyscripsy · 06/02/2025 10:49

Ok so OBVIOUSLY he acted absolutely horrendously and his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

BUT i also experienced this pattern of weird bad behaviour with my spouse around their birthday. I used to absolutely dread it because it always felt like I couldn’t get anything right. Many of their birthdays were spent with us both in tears, with me being told I was inconsiderate and them feeling in genuine pain. It made zero sense to me as I couldn’t give 2 shits about my birthday.

After a lot of introspection on their part along with some therapy it kind of unraveled that it was being caused by deep painful childhood trauma.

As they say - if it’s hysterical, it’s historical!

Is this behaviour of his generally out of character? If so, I would be inclined to believe that he is genuinely struggling.

HOWEVER that absolutely DOES NOT mean his behaviour and treatment of you is ok. He needs to address this behaviour in himself and figure out why he falls into this pattern.

With self-understanding and compassion, my spouse has moved beyond this behaviour and has the emotional resilience to cope with whatever transpires on the day.

Therapy needed id suggest, if you both want the marriage to continue healthily.

(obviously this is only relevant if it’s an otherwise happy marriage and there is no abuse happening)

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:48

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:40

No way! I’ll book myself in for an all day spa next year instead 😆

@RainbowStriped

Sorry but this is not funny. At all.

Last year you were asking for advice on how to leave your abusive husband and had contacted Women's Aid with a plan to get out. He was calling you horrendous names, threatening to throw stuff at you and piss on your clothes.

8 months on and you are posting jokey comments about leaving him to go for a spa day.

You are completely overlooking how serious it is and how dangerous this could end up being for you and your children if you don't leave.

I get that you probably don't want to face up to reality so think if you can make light-hearted comments about it, then you can brush off the seriousness of the situation. But you need to face it. Now. For your children's sake

AlertCat · 06/02/2025 10:48

I HRTFT just OP posts. But- I think I would sit him down and say “look, it’s clear that nothing we do for your birthday will do anything other than make you angry (behave like a knob), so I won’t do anything at all in future and then you’ll really have something to complain about- win win, I don’t put myself out or spend any money and you get a genuine grievance to whinge about.”

Redfred00 · 06/02/2025 10:47

He is estranged from his dad and that makes him feel sad and upset. I understand that. But, I think he really needs to consider what relationship his kids will want to have with him in adulthood if he ruins every Fathers Day and birthday. When they are adults will they care to make an effort if it get thrown back their faces. I certainly wouldn't bother my arse.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 10:47

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:45

The cycle is that he behaves badly in the days leading up to his birthday then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. I would never do that I always make a huge effort to make it special for him. I really do bend over backwards for him.

I really do bend over backwards for him.

Why?

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:47

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

This is not their job. It is yours.

Seek some help in real life.

Gettingbysomehow · 06/02/2025 10:47

I'm so sorry OP this is pathetic behaviour from a grown man. Unfortunately my exH did this on his birthday and my birthday. And along with his other non adult behaviours I ended up divorcing him.
I think you will eventually end up doing this unless he sees a psychiatrist in the near future and sorts himself out.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 10:46

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:42

I’m quietly making plans(I have a small eff off fund) but I’m stuck in the meantime unfortunately.

Why are you enabling all this, though? Why are you buying presents and appeasing him? Are you frightened of him?

If not, your options aren’t just LTB or be a doormat. You can refuse to accept shitty behaviour and stand up for yourself. Or can’t you?