Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

They sound like very unpleasant people and if I were you, the first thing I would be doing on Tuesday is drawing up a will to ensure they didn't get one penny out of whatever I left behind.

I think the fact that you are trying to understand and mitigate their appalling behaviour shows why they felt they could behave in this shitty way in the first place.

I'm sorry that you have lost your mum and even sorrier that you have these insensitive horrible adults as your next of kin.

You think they should be in some kind of Victorian Mourning?

Earlier I sided with your son whilst describing him as "less than diplomatic." Given this update, I'd like to scrub that last bit. He's grieving for a much loved GM and all he's seeing for her send off is hypocrisy on the part of people whose little contact with his GM involved asking her for money. Your sister and her DC sound vile. Your son is absolutely correct, this funeral will be 'performative crap' and I admire him for calling it out. And what right has your sister to exclude DS from the eulogies etc when he's been such a loving and devoted grandson? It stinks.
Your sister is the issue here not your DC imo.
I hope you all find a peaceful way to say goodbye to your mum on her final journey.

Your children are grown adults they are not teenagers but have made this about them your son should go for himself and you you are grieving and he is behaving like this.

100% with your kids.

They were there for their grandmother when it mattered, and probably feel they couldn't trust themselves to hold back and not say anything if those who made their grandmother feel bad during her life suddenly play the doting, attentive family members after her death.

Sounds like your sister was spoiling for an argument, if there are issues with the inheritance, and she made sure she got one.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

The children should be there to support their mother.

My husband's children didn't attend his funeral which was during lockdown. One had been told to shield; the other decided that it would be too much of a health risk. (To be fair, they'd either have had to drive for several hours or to take an hour's flight.) They also told me that they didn't want their 20 yr old child to attend because of the possible emotional impact on them. (There were no safety concerns for the child - they'd already travelled from the UK to the Continent and back for part of their university degree during lockdown.)

I said that I understood at the time - I felt that I had to - but the lack of moral support finally hit me the night before the funeral and I still brood over it.

I think that the OP should tell her children that she needs them there.

This jeremy kyle family dynamic sounds so strange. I'd be mortified, angry, upset, embarrassed all in equal measure if my adult children used their grans funeral to make some sort of self-important stand. Absolute cringe.

You should have mentioned this in the OP. It puts a completely different slant on your DC's behaviour!

The other major funeral that they've been to was their father when they were kids, and you know that it was hard for them. Plus your family, particularly your sister, are consistently awful to your kids, and have cut them out of any meaningful role in the ceremony. It is completely unsurprising that they don't want to go, and the only thing I can't understand is why you aren't standing up on their behalf to your awful siblings.

No one enjoys a funeral, they’re one of those things you do your best for. I’m sure your dc will find there are funerals they’ll attend that they don’t like the other people, or how they behave. You just have to bite your tongue and get in with it. They are being very disrespectful as they bothered seem to have loved their grandmother. Perhaps message them and just say you hope they’ll reconsider as their grandmother would have loved for them to be there, and this is all about her, not anyone else.

'I am upset with how they handled it today'

They obviously did it to have a go at your sister. Not ideal but if there is bad feeling with your siblings not bothering with your Mum they maybe wanted to make a clear point.

I agree with them tbh, funerals are imo performances, people attend to 'pay their respects' when they didn't bother when the person was alive. I'd just accept their decision and leave it.

Sorry about your Mum .

It might have been called for that reason but it would still be getting together and reminisce would happen

I think the 'flounce' was after they had to it there and be berated by their aunt for explaining why they were going. Perfectly legitimate reasons.

They came and explained in person. I won't fault that.

I've only read OP's posts because MN can be utterly vicious about adult children who don't perform as required according to outdated nonsense.

But in summary:

They lost their own dad and felt the funeral was useless for them and lots of people attended who were arseholes doing it for their own reasons.

They were the closest to DGM but haven't been asked to speak or eulogise because people who were arseholes to DGM have been.

They think funerals are performative (because the only one they've been to was) and everything your sister has done is signalling that it IS performative.

Your sister just confirmed the above by not only choosing her own children to speak but performing anger at them when they didn't do what she wanted.

Oh, and they were the closest, made an effort when DGM was alive and behaved in a lovely way to her when it mattered.

And you don't need the support.

All in all, good for them. I hope they find peace in their grieving and I hope you do too OP. You sound like a lovely little family unit (with DGM ) and I wish you all the best.

I'm with your kids. They cared when their nan was alive. They haven't stopped caring. They are grieving.
They are likely to be genuinely upset at the funeral. Your son's previous experience from his dad's funeral is that he was judged and criticised for the way he appeared to feel. I can see why he wouldn't want to expose himself to that again.

They loved their grandmother and she loved them. How disrespectful to not spare an afternoon out of their lives to attend her funeral.
I'm guessing they'll be happy to take the Dingo Dollars though..

I’d do a big flounce if another adult raised their voice to me.

I think they don’t want to be there - for all the wrong reasons.

They are right to have an opinion about their GM being disappointed in not seeing enough of the others DGC whilst she was alive to enjoy them.
But this isn’t the time or place for your two DC to make a stand.

They have to learn to understand that each person can remember and can say goodbye to their loved one in any way they wish but that when the funeral was GM’s wish, they should honour that wish and and use a bit of humility, if they can find it within themselves, to conform in coming together as a family rather than to make a drama as they have done, castIng a shadow over the whole thing.Why turn up to the breakfast? …obviously to make their point, which would have been better having been made before their GM died if they felt that strongly.

You say you don’t need any support from them on the day OP. Good for you. Others do need the support of family around them on funeral day. But I think you are only saying that to defend your DC’s selfish decisions rather than having a quiet word with them about doing the decent thing.

Indeed. If anything was "performative crap" it was their performance on this particular day. They knew what the meeting was for and they chose to attend that - and then do a big flounce.

I think everyone grieves in their own way and it should be their choice whether or not they want to go to a funeral. The fact OP's son felt especially strongly about it because there was indeed 'performance grieving' done by people who didn't give a shit while the deceased was alive and would have loved visits/calls/presence.

I don't do funerals either. Doesn't mean I don't care and don't support people I care about, but I don't do funerals. Don't want one for myself either.

I think this post should be reposted every time someone asks ‘should I have another child, feel guilty only having one…’
This is how families and more specifically siblings behave particularly once money gets involved. I suspect your siblings are cross your DS has been left a bigger amount and the message the deceased was implying by singling him and the girlfriend out as favourite.
The whole situation smacks of manipulation on many sides.

It’s unsurprising that your DCs have strong feelings about funerals considering their experiences when they lost their father. They were kind to your Mum OP and did all they could for her which shows their level of generosity and emotional intelligence. Unlike your siblings from how your responses sound.
You are right that, as they are adults, you have no influence any more really and if they feel that attending your Mothers funeral is something they don’t wish to do then I can absolutely see why. To congregate with family they dislike, who are selfish and didn’t care for their own Mother is a step too far.
Your DCs sound like wonderful, well adjusted people OP which says a lot about your parenting.
Grief shows itself in different ways. Let your sister do what she needs to do. I hope you are able to have a peaceful day remembering your Mum.

Possibly yes, but I don't see that this was a good time or way to voice it. It's totally overshadowed the funeral and regardless of what OP's DS thinks, this family is grieving. It sounds like this aunt is a bit of a horror and there were plenty of less dramatic opportunities for him to
have pulled her up on it in the past. He could even have said he wasn't comfortable with the funeral arrangements and he'd be doing his own thing, without making himself judge and jury of everyone else's grief.

I've never thought of funerals as that big of a deal. I certainly won't be making my DD come to my parent's.
IMHO funerals are for people to say goodbye IF THEY WANT TO and to get comfort from others if they need it. If not, they can say goodbye in their own way.

I don't think it's rude or selfish not to go, rather, it's rude and very selfish to EXPECT people to go. No one should tell someone else how to grieve.

But the OP’s sister’s exclusionary behaviour is just fine?