Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

They are adults. Their views are legitimate, and neither they - nor anyone else - is obligated to go to a funeral. The OP's sister is being extremely unreasonable.

What sort of family doesn’t come together for a mum, grandmas funeral, disgraceful alround

From your update, I understand that it's your sisters fault. She's stopped him from speaking at the funeral l, and told him she's unhappy with him and his girlfriend getting more money. I wouldn't want to go to a funeral full of people who didn't care about her. He did the right thing when she was alive, that's what matters.

I’m so sorry @LounSue your sister sounds vile and right now you could do with her reigning it so you can focus on your mum. Is there anyway you and your other siblings could have more say and allow your children to speak at the funeral? If not I’d back your kids and give sis as wider berth as possible.

This

I’d be inclined to believe him, given the wider context.

Yep, they have, for good reason, zero respect for an event that is entirely about your sister and her kids.

Their behaviour is shockingly bad!
I don't blame your sister for bring upset.
I've no idea why she blamed your parenting, and I'm not doing that, but something has gone very, very badly wrong here.

Cross Post with your latest update. That has a major impact on the thread. Something has gone very badly wrong indeed!

Just tell your sister that your DS and DD would like to speak at the funeral so please schedule them in. Then tell your children to put a sock in it. Put on a good show like your mum wanted and then never speak to each other again, if you like.

All of these feelings may or may not be valid, but the funeral isn't the time for them. Because it's not about any of you, it's about your mum.

I haven't read all the responses, but I hate funerals. I'm in my 70s and don't intend to have one. No one should be expected to go to a funeral if they don't want to. The dead person won't know if you're there or not, the living can go if they find it helpful, but it has nothing to do with some bizarre notion of respect.

I still don't understand why you had this 'breakfast meeting' when all your later posts have been about how you don't like your sister, and how you don't agree with her, but how you won't stand up to her.
You said your sister is organising everything and that she won't take any input from you and that she doesn't like your dc, so why on earth would you go to this meeting anyway ?
Why did your dc go ? So they could publicly flounce ? Yet it is your ds who is talking about performative grieving ?

Oh I see it's one of those threads.

Enjoy. I'm out.

See attached gif.

Seriously this vicious overreaction by posters is just incomprehensible to me. Two people who did everything right by their grandmother while she was alive should be ostentatiously cut off by their mother in a future will because they don’t choose to be insulted and ostracized by the Aunt at the grandparent funeral right now?

Team kids here. I wouldn't want to go and have to control my feelings at a public occasion were I was looking round at a room full of performative wankers. If your mother can see what is happening I am sure she would understand and if she isn't then it doesn't matter. Support your kids and sell your sister its their choice. Alternatively tell her to do one.

The purpose of the event seems to be about honoring the aunt and her children, rather than the grandmother. Tbh it reads like she wants them there for the optics, and to demonstrate recognition of their place in the pecking order (as she sees it).

They do indeed have scant regard
for the wishes and feelings of their aunt and cousins, and that sentiment is clearly mutual.

What a fuss people on MN make about funerals. In my community people just attend if they know the person and that’s it They last an hour at most. On here they are traumatic events which scar you for life. Your DC are attention seeking.

@LounSue sorry you’ve lost hour mum - your son showed up for his Gran when it counted - when she was here to appreciate it. He and his girlfriend obviously had a good relationship with her.

I agree that funerals are performative especially for those left behind many of whom are grief tourists popping up now when they never made the effort when she was alive.

maybe he didn’t handle it the way others wanted but frankly your sister is handling things well either and sounds like she never has - lashing out and blaming your parenting?!

from the sounds of it this isn’t grief with her but longstanding main character energy and spite because your life or your children’s has been perceived by her to be better and she wants to drag you all down a step or two from some perceived sibling hierarchy.

look up grey rock techniques. Disengage from all but essential interactions with her.

Sorry I meant to add this isn't your fault your sister was out of order but I do think emotions are high families suck sometimes and this is one of those times , your children really have let you down though.

I think your children sound selfish and immature and I agree with your sister that they probably manipulated your mother into getting more in the will.

Wow, projecting much? Are you the OP's sister?

And this is why I am not having a funeral. I am totally in agreement with your son, albeit I think I might have gone for "the boss won't let me have the day off" or something, but he is correct - they are performative events for those who didn't give a shit during someone's life. Three of your siblings couldn't be arsed when she was alive, but I bet they'll be all weepy and heartbroken on the funeral day.

Its obvious to me that this is linked to the death of their Dad. Your sister has now blown it up and pushed them into a corner so i think it’s unlikely they will attend now. Probably what they needed to hear was - im sorry you felt like that at your dads funeral, it was such a difficult time, sorry if we werent there tor you in the way you needed.

Do your children usually make everything all about them, their feelings and their convictions, even when the purpose of an event is to honour and celebrate someone else? They sound a fairly self-centred duo.

What I'm getting from the way you've described their behaviour in your posts is that, while they may or may not have a point regarding family treatment of their grandmother, they have a world view which places themselves left, right and centre, with scant regard given to the wishes and feelings of others.

I’d be fuming at my kids if they refused to attend their grandparents funeral. No matter what personal opinions people may have it’s incredibly disrespectful of them. Hardly your fault though, so rude of her to blame you.

Yes funerals are full of people who didn’t come near the deceased when they were alive and now act as though they were very close

However as adults, especially if you were close and are in the will then you suck up your own feelings and turn up.

As an adult you have to do what you don’t want to sometimes just because it is expected and to support others

I think your children sound selfish and immature and I agree with your sister that they probably manipulated your mother into getting more in the will.

I was married to dh and had been for 40 years and had the only grandchildren and fil and mil left us and dh precisely £0

I wouldn’t be able to see my children in the same light ever again if they did what your adult children have done

I think it depends how you view funerals.

It sounds like DC have gone to this family get together and probably got annoyed seeing people who didn't bother when she was alive, trying to be all over it now. I do get that.

However I think they should have not said anything today, they should have spoken to you about it separately, or just shut up for the sake of everyone else. They could have made their thoughts clear, after the funeral.

I am not a huge fan of funerals for similar reasons, and I wouldn't want one myself.