Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

Your sister sounds awful. So sorry op this must be very hard to deal with.
I'd encourage them to rethink and attend or they may regret it. If they want to speak just tell the person running the service, it is not up to your controlling sibling .

Your kids were incredibly rude and insensitive. They might not agree with a funeral. But it's not about them.

Arrrrghhh - please can people read OP's all posts before jumping in.

Keyboard warriors - ffs

Except this one does seem to be very performative, given OP’s further posts.

They aren’t the ones being juvenile.

Didn't read the whole thread I'm assuming?

I'm not sure if everyone on MN knows about the ability to read all the Op's comments.

After the update - I completely understand why they don’t want to attend.

Your children are not selfish, your sister is vile.

I would have sympathy if they'd said they don't want to be emotional infront of people, or that they find funerals uncomfortable. But the way they've worded it isn't socially acceptable.
Speak with them, find out the actual reasons, and explain that they need to talk to your sister unless they don't care about having any form of relationship with her.

Not sure if you missed the part where the eldest brother had asked OP's son to do a speech?

Awful behaviour from your DC would suspect it is mainly age related and trying to be 'edgy' think they will look back on this and be mortified. I wouldn't feel like you need to support or excuse them in this. it is quite a juvenile attitude for one thing it is not all about them and going to your sister's brunch and saying they wouldn't be attending her mums funeral and storming out is terrible. Also people do lose contact when older but pay respects to people they had close connections with at one point that is not 'fake' or 'performative'

She's being sarcastic

Ah. That update changes it all. Your sister has completely turned the funeral into something it shouldn’t be. The rest of the family sound awful. Not sure I could sit through such a fake and disrespectful show that they will put on. If I were you, I would avoid it as well and do some kind of memorial with your DC separately.

I'm a good 20 years older than the OPs children and have been to a fair few funerals. I've never seen an open invitation to speak, it's always been pre-arranged and limited. If I wasn't asked or someone said no, it'd not occur to me that I could bypass it, or to do so.

Did you read all OP's comments and updates? Don't think you probably did...

Yes those selfish brats who were there for her mother more than most of the woman's own children were...

Selfish, selfish brats

Why oh why don't those making comments on here read the OP's full thread first - it's so easy to do (just click 'see all' at the top)!

With the update of your sister basically preventing your DS from giving an eulogy he had already written (as suggested by your elder brother) I completely understand their position. Why did not your elder brother step in too, though? And shame your DS didn't say this at the outset.

If not for the above context, I have to say I'd be shocked.

I consider things you just have to go to things like funerals, weddings and special birthdays (if invited).

After that post I’d be tempted to push the sister to the grave as well. What an evil piece of….

Ok so they didn't handle this with much tact but after reading the only funeral they had been to was their dads, I'm wondering if this combined with the grief of loosing their beloved grandmother has triggered some sort of resurfaced traumas from loosing their dad? I Lost my dad suddenly nearly 2 years ago now in a pretty horrific way and there is no way on earth that I'll just 'get over it' but I am learning to live with it so I can't imagine how your kids felt loosing their dad as teens. I also agree tensions will be high with other family members due to grief, its a really difficult time. I'm sorry for your loss. Mabye try have a chat with your kids see if they open up on the matter. Good luck x

Also why does your sister think she can monopolise the speeches

Your sister sounds like a basic frumpy witch. Your children are right. All those clowns doing perfomative shit after harassing your mother in her last few years are the selfish, evil twats.
who’s in charge of your mums will? is there a more upto date version?

Your children are correct having read all your posts up to this point.

At the end of the day they are adults and can make their own decision whether to go or not and what they say is true, funerals are for the living not the dead, people can remember loved ones in their own way. However to put videos up it a bit crappy and insensitive.

Your sister sounds vile. Otherwise why did she organise the funeral with the only people speaking were her children who rarely visited. She’s angry that your son got more money!

I suspect they are reacting to the fact they have been sidelined! Did you talk to your son about doing a eulogy also?

So why didn’t your son and daughter say no they will be speaking and bypass their aunt and arrange it themselves

At funerals I have been to there isn’t a limit or pre arranged number of people who speak. There are people who have arranged to speak at the funeral but others who get up and say their piece. The vicar usually asks if anyone would like to say something.

So they should let OP's sister be insulting to their partners and prevent them from speaking at their grandma's funeral ? The aunt gets to dictate what everyone else does but the people who were actually close to the old lady should roll over ?

I think everyone needs to take a step back and a deep breath.
I would ask them to come for you, and for themselves- funerals are a really good for closure and acceptance of death. it’s not the time for your DS to be grandstanding about his own ‘views’ on funerals.

And if in these circumstances my mum had said that to me, I'd be saying 'ok mum but I'll be there anyway just in case you do'

Rightly or wrongly, OP seems to have lowered her expectations of what her adult children can be expected to do.