Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

I agree.

Perhaps suggest to your children that you and your sister could do with their support at the funeral, that it isn't just about their grandmother. We all have to put ourselves out sometimes after all and it's not for long.

Other than that I don't know what you can do, you cannot force them.

OP's children as it may well have an affect on their familial relationships.

I feel for you, OP. Your DC are behaving like spoilt brats, when they’re old enough to think of other people’s feelings.

This.
It’s not your fault OP, nor your responsibility to sort out.
But it’s awful behaviour by your DCs though, and something they may actually regret.

I may have missed a post, but it will depend on which family member has been named as executor, I think.

The funeral director and celebrant follow the wishes of the person(s) arranging the funeral in Scotland (can’t say for elsewhere) and that’s usually the executor.

After what your sister said to your DS and GF , I don’t blame them one bit for not going. Your mum would be appalled at your sisters attitudes. She sounds vile and not “letting “ them read their eulogy is nasty and petty. I’m sure they ll respect GM s passing in their own way.

The update does change things. I still don't agree he needed to make it about who loved/visited his gran enough and who had genuine grief as i maintain thats judgmental, pompous and rude but he refused to come because his aunt was unforgivably rude and spiteful to him and his girlfriend which is different. It's a horrible shame it's come to this but I think this is of your sister's making.

Fair enough.

This!

I'd missed this

But fuck off with the "respectful" shit. Presumably it's not an IG just for the family. They have friends on there who aren't mourning. Or could post when they aren't mourning and someone else is...

When my Nan died I didn't expect everyone to stop having fun in case I saw it.

If they'd posted it directly in the family Whatsapp then it would be a problem. But just showing them having a fun time on their own IG isn't disrespectful

If as you say your son/daughter did the most whilst your mum was alive I personally don't think there's any need for them to go the the funeral. They did for her when she needed it. The other family couldn't be bothered to do the footwork for her but now want to be seen to be doing something.
Your children might seem as if they are being disrespectful, but they aren't. They showed their grandma full respect when she was here.

In light of your post this afternoon OP, I would be inclined to believe your son not your sister. She has form for being rude and rather cruel. Your son has form for being kind, albeit misguided about attending.

It is therfore even more important now, that your two DC should be there. Your very unpleasant sister will otherwise be free to disparage them, saying whatever she likes about them not daring to turn up.
They should be there standing shoulder to shoulder with you, confidently and proudly in honour of their GM, instead of shrinking away as if they are guilty of something.

I'm sorry it’s all so stressful for you. I hope your son thinks again and you can all get through the funeral together.

Funerals can be a bit like weddings, often lots of undercurrents going on, huge expectation from some family members, while others prefer a more honest approach. I would find it utterly hypercritical of those who just couldn’t be bothered to visit an older person whilst they were alive, but then dictate to those who did do a lot of visiting if they choose not to attend. That said, a more dignified approach as to why not attending might have helped in this instance. But I do get why someone who did see his/her GM quite a bit, might be less than impressed with those who didn’t seem to make the same effort when she was alive. Crocodile tears does spring to mind. The elderly need visits, company, stimulation, love from those they do love more than almost anything else providing they are able to understand. Loneliness is often cited as a huge factor with the elderly. Too ruddy late once they have passed away.

Inheritance isn't dependent on funeral attendance ffs

They get more because they were actually there whilst she was alive and needed them!

No worries

OP it sounds like you are very used to going along with your sister's bad behaviour to keep the peace with your family. This isn't necessarily wrong but it's obvious that your DC haven't bought into this. It doesn't seem as though they like the rest of your family, with good reason, and now their DGM is gone they don't care about family anymore.

I think you need to accept your DCs decision here.

Wow your adult kids aren’t coming to their grannies funeral?!?!?!

I think they should be told by their parents that the appropriate thing to do in this situation is to attend the funeral, given it is a way to show respect for the person who has died.

I think it sounds like they have their reasons. They were around when their GM needed them. They probably do feel that other people are performative if they didn't step up when she was alive. Plus the experience of their dad's funeral as teens must have been extremely difficult, and they saw first hand that it didn't help them in their grief.

However, aside from all that I would put that to one side to support my mother who is also grieving their mother.

Are your kids perhaps seeing dynamics brewing that they don’t want to be involved in? Or is this perhaps a regular occurrence at family events? It happens a lot when siblings are grieving that they start to play games (often but not always unintentionally) around the funeral and then onto inheritance - who’s hurting more, who’s getting more, what’s not fair etc

I’m all for allowing individuals to pay respects in whatever manner suits them, if that’s going to the pub with mates instead of attending the funeral then so be it. I’m sorry for your loss OP don’t let your sister drag you into her hurt drama and let your adult kids deal with whatever fallout may come their way because if their choices.

Knowing the stress this is causing you
irrespective of their own view and desires, I am shocked they’re not just making your life easier and coming with you so as not to cause you further drama and stress

What a horrible post to the OP. Bad form.

Surely this is a hugely outing thread Op?

I think your adult children are selfish. No doubt it is job done for them, they got the money therefore have no need to attend their Grandmothers funeral. I hope you don't expect them to make your funeral when the time comes but at least you know they won't be there. Why did they turn up today ? Maybe they thought some cash would be dished out. Rude and disrespectful brats.

Funerals are for the living, and people can grieve in their own way.

Fuck that. The day after my Mum died I was bombing around on roller coasters all day because I wanted to feel something other than sad.

You don't get to dictate that other people aren't grieving properly just because they're not doing it the same way you would.