Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

They went because they were led to believe they would be playing a part in the funeral, and that their aunts and cousins would treat them with a modicum of respect. When they were met with xenophobia and told that they wouldn’t be giving the speech they’d been asked to write, they left.

What do they need the aunt and cousins for? It doesn’t sound like they would expect the aunt and cousins to show up for them, or would think to ask them to. The consequences? You mean pissing off and alienating the people they don’t like and don’t care about it? Sounds like the desired outcome tbh, not a consequence to fear and thus avoid.

Is there something wrong with your keyboard?

You show respect for a person when they're alive. When they're dead it matters not.

Perhaps it is a fundamental difference of opinion and if so, nobody is really in the wrong? OP's sister though shouldn't be giving the OP a hard time about anything.

I didn’t go to a funeral that a lot of you would argue I should have. I didn’t for a few reasons but mainly because other family members had invited a family of people that did not like the person that had passed, she also hated them right back.

It was an absolute farce. I said goodbye in my own way and I know for an absolute fact she was right there with me, laughing at the joke her funeral was. She would have told me to stay away if she could.

OP, your children put in the effort to make sure she knew they loved her when she was alive. That is what is important.

Had they told DGM they weren't attending, you'd have a point. But I'm sure they didn't. DGM isn't here any more, died knowing that the son and his GF loved her.

It sounds like they were very close to her and care goes inwards and dumping goes outwards. They don't feel the funereal would be cathartic to them, as the closest people to DGM, so why should they go?

I suppose religious people maybe see things differently. But if you don't believe in life after death, DGM had a wonderful relationship with them in life, it makes no difference to her if they go to her funeral.

I believe your son

They went to the breakfast though so they clearly have some level of connection.

Sometimes you need others, sometimes they need you, such is life. You can't just do the things you value and need people for but then don't show up for the things they value.

If they don't want to know any of them at all then fine but choices have consequences. If, for example, they enjoy having their cousin in their life but then upset their cousins mother when she's grieving then good luck to them!

OP I read your update. Not sure this thread will be useful to you now as a lot of people will just read and reply to the OP and how your children should support you etc. From the little detail shared, it all rings very true about your sister’s attitude and I would try to arrange a private goodbye and stick together with your children on this.
I also think this thread is immensely outing and if your sister gets wind of it it will cause huge issues for you… just saying.
good luck to you and your DC and I’m sorry for your loss

Children don't always tell their parents what aunts/uncles have said to protect their parents...

They didn't make an assumption, they were asked by another sibling to write something. Aunt wasn't asked so much as took over.

There are funerals which go on ages. Some cultures especially have long services.

Sometimes, you suck things up to 'keep the peace', even when it goes against the grain.

My dad was Eastern European and I recall an older cousin's spouse making a snide remark about my dad's "funny foreign accent" while we were all at my parents' house. I was in my early 20s at the time. I actually walked out. (Mum and Dad didn't hear it.)

My cousin followed me and asked if I was all right. I didn't answer - I was so upset and angry - but just got in my car and drove off. There were no more snide remarks.

I later found out that one of the reasons that my mum didn't have a lot of time for one of her cousins stemmed back to a time when the cousin had been talking about how well her daughter was doing at primary school - she was top of the class for maths. Mum made the mistake of countering by telling her cousin that I was top of my class for maths and English.

The response was "Well, they do say that children of mixed blood do well at school!" (Yes, it was meant to be insulting.)

My second cousin and I were exactly the same age (same date of birth) and in the same class at secondary school. I recall that she had a bit of an attitude towards me then. When I found out what her mother had said, that explained everything.

We're both in our 60s now and we get on fine when we see one another. There's no point in raking over what happened between our mothers.

I quite understand the OP's son's anger. I'm hoping that there's still some way for him to speak at the funeral.

Are they people whose opinions they give the slightest shit about though?

Not everyone finds the same value in funerals, or considers them helpful or necessary when managing grief. The same applies to ’being together’ with people you can’t stand.

Lol. Yeah, the aunt tried that one.

They paid their respects in life. I suspect they think going to her funeral, when it ostensibly isn’t even for her at this point, would be the disrespectful action. The aunt doesn’t want them there for their grandmother, she wants them there so she can assert herself and her children over them, and to project the image of the family that she wants to create.

They’ve said fuck that, and good for them. I’m not sure why people expect them to pander to dickheads, as if the onus shouldn’t be on said dickheads to not behave like that in the first place. ‘Keeping the peace’ is oftentimes hugely overrated, especially when what it really means ‘shut up and allow yourself to be trampled’.

That’s what I mean about the update. It added a lot of context which made a difference to my initial view.

I hate funerals, never went to any of my grandparents, wouldn't go to my parents if I felt I had a choice. DS hasn't been to any of his grandparents either as he didn't want to. I'm not going to have one myself and agree completely with your kids.

I'm happy for other people to have/go to funerals if they want to, but they shouldn't think that means I should be forced to go to them as well. Well done to your kids for standing up for themselves.

I don't think we're going to agree on this at all.
Going to a funeral doesn't undo treating the person badly when they were alive, and not going doesn't undo the respect these grandchildren showed her in life.
It's just a ceremony, the living relationship is what really matters.

@SALaw why is all of your disdain focussed on people who supported their grandmother during her life, to the extent that they were left more money than the others? Young people who attended a family meeting only to be abused, disregarded and treated with suspicion? Would you feel comfortable sharing your grief with people that are happy to treat you so appallingly?

Where is your disdain for OP's sister who is xenophobic? Or the other siblings who didn't make an effort to support their mother at the end of her life?

But oh yes let's tell the OP her kids are awful because they have the backbone to not put up with this shite. They are also grieving a relationship that they actually cared about. The sister is lucky that they just left, and didn't rip into her in the same way she was ripping into them.

Believe him, give him a hug, find your own way to celebrate your mother's life with your children. All power to him for being able to stand up for himself and his girlfriend and for your DD for standing with him.

@TimPat I thought they were adults? You go to pay respect to your Grandmother. Don't speak to people if your feelings are too hurty.

There are more people in the family than just than OP's sister.

Also, I believe funerals help people grieve, even if you haven't seen someone you love for 6 months as suggested by the OP in subsequent posts you can still feel their loss keenly.

Being together to remember someone and grieve together is important, it shouldn't be a time to say 'well I'm better than you because x, y,z '

@Floralnomad exactly

So they can feel unwelcome among people who treat her and them like shit just because it's the done thing. Weeping for show after her death from people who treated her badly in life is meaningless. OP's DC can comfort themselves by knowing they treated her well when it mattered, aunt can have her show to make herself look good for her own ego.

@Likewhatever if you believe it. All these things happening and the OP didn't know? And the children not explaining it immediately to the OP? And anyone making assumptions they could speak at the funeral and flouncing off when told no by the person the OP agreed was to organise the funeral? Not EVERYONE can make a speech. It would go on hours.

I would refuse to get involved.

They are all adults and if they are having drama between themselves then I’d stay well clear.

Adults can do what they feel is right and no point getting pulled in every direction over it.

I think it rather sad that they do not want to go to the funeral, but knowing that, I would also hate them to go unwillingly.
Funerals are ultimately for those left behind, to give their support to the OP, and other closer relatives, and to provide 'closure'.
Sure, if the funeral was for a second cousin, twice removed etc, but a grandparent is surely a close relative in this circumstance.
However, why did they go to the meeting?
It is also important to let relatives know asap if one is going or not, just for the catering requirements.