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Original poster

Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

404 replies

LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:42

Context, my wonder 88 year old mum passed away recently, we are all beyond devastated. Her funeral in on Monday. Today we met up with the extended family for a breakfast, the intention was my sister would host my siblings and I, plus all the kids and my mums brothers for a simple breakfast, discuss the plans for Monday and make sure everyone was on the same page.

Both my children (29 and 25) came, my son and his GF had to get an early train to be there. Everything was fine until my sister came over and asked why my son had just told her son he wasn't coming to the funeral, I was under the impression he was. He was very close to my mum, called her several times a week, visited often and took her to all sorts of things. I asked him and he said he didn't want to as funerals are a bunch of performative crap and half the people in the room couldn't be bothered with her when she was alive. My daughter then nodded and agreed and said she wouldn't be there either.
My sister lost it with them and raised her voice saying they were being selfish, as my mum had carefully planned every detail of her funeral and often spoke of how all the family would be together and it would likely be the last time (my dad passed in 2019, and some of my siblings aren't very close to others).
Both of my children walked out, DD's boyfriend came back in about 10 minutes later and got all of their coats/bags and said they were driving DS and his girlfriend back to London.
I tried to call both of my DC as did DH (not their dad) but no answers. Now my sister is saying it is my awful parenting that has caused this and my children are selfish.
This is made worse by my mother having left slightly more money to my DS than all the other grandkids (20k to most of them, 25k to DS and a further 7.5k to his girlfriend (they have been together for 4 years and she was very close to my mum). My sister seems to think he manipulated her into doing this, I don't think he did.
Then my DD posted on instagram or something a video of her and DS, his girlfriend and her boyfriend listening to very loud upbeat music in the car and my niece showed her mum and my sister is now saying it's so disrespectful they are doing that.

I think it's up to DC if they come to the funeral, even if my mum would have wanted them there. However I'm not sure why they came today if they aren't coming to the funeral.

How do I handle this? My sister is grieving as are we all so I'm trying to not get worked up at her reaction but I do think its made things worse.

AIBU to think DC are fine to do what they want and my sister has massively blown this out of proportion?

OP posts:
DodoTired · 01/02/2025 13:23

Sorry yes they are selfish and callous.
not sure it’s your parenting per se but who knows, given that you say “it’s up to them” and looks like you already allowed them to prioritise their fun over your dad’s funeral.

Floralnomad · 01/02/2025 13:21

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 01/02/2025 13:19

They also probably attended today to be close to the family and spend the time together reminiscing in place of the actual funeral.

And the inheritance is fuck all to do with going to the funeral. Your DS has inherited more because he was there when it mattered... when she was alive (which probably explains a lot. Your DSis is jealous of the extra inheritance and feeling guilty about not being around)

The OP clearly stated that the breakfast was to discuss Mondays funeral and check everyone was on the same page , if you aren’t going to the funeral then you didn't need to attend .

LocalHobo · 01/02/2025 13:21

I'd be devastated if my children were that callous and selfish. It was their (seemingly loved?) Grandmother's wish that they attended. They are showing disregard to her final wish, and you are supporting them in this ...
their disrespectful attitude is not surprising.

CustardySergeant · 01/02/2025 13:21

itsallbowlsbaby · 01/02/2025 12:46

How awful for your mother that her grandchildren won't attend her funeral. I'm all for adults making their own decisions but I'd be devastated if my children were that callous and selfish.

How on earth can it be awful for her mother? She won't know.

Bookloveruk · 01/02/2025 13:20

I think the issue is your children’s behaviour and disrespect to their grandmother. Not your or your sisters. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this at such a hard time when you are grieving your mum

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 01/02/2025 13:19

They also probably attended today to be close to the family and spend the time together reminiscing in place of the actual funeral.

And the inheritance is fuck all to do with going to the funeral. Your DS has inherited more because he was there when it mattered... when she was alive (which probably explains a lot. Your DSis is jealous of the extra inheritance and feeling guilty about not being around)

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 01/02/2025 13:18

mnahmnah · 01/02/2025 13:10

There are some things in life that are more important than doing whatever you want. Funerals are one of them. They are being disrespectful and selfish. They need to show respect to their grandma and respect to you and the other grieving relatives rather than upsetting them at an already difficult time. They need to turn up and get on with it.

This I am afraid .

Floralnomad · 01/02/2025 13:18

Yes it’s up to them but it makes me wonder why they came to the gathering arranged by your sister , it does smack of their wanting to make a point which they must have known would be hurtful to others present .

SunshineAndFizz · 01/02/2025 13:18

RosesAndHellebores · 01/02/2025 12:56

How would I deal with it? Very simply, my DC (who are 30 and 26) would be getting the biggest kick up the backside of their entire lives. They have been rude, selfish and disrespectful to the living and the dead.

Yep.

ManchesterLu · 01/02/2025 13:17

itsallbowlsbaby · 01/02/2025 12:46

How awful for your mother that her grandchildren won't attend her funeral. I'm all for adults making their own decisions but I'd be devastated if my children were that callous and selfish.

Honestly, it doesn't matter. Her mother isn't going to know. Funerals are for the living.

I've told people I don't want a funeral. I hate the performative aspect of it. Everyone gathering, crying, talking about the deceased. I don't want that. Not everyone does!

People grieve in different ways. Going to a funeral does not make you any more or less honourable towards that person.

UrsulasHerbBag · 01/02/2025 13:17

Your children are adults and should be supporting you. Their grandmother wanted them there and they should at least attend the ceremony and show her respect and honour her memory. After that they can do as they please with regards to the rest of the family. The playing music and posting it on SM was childish and disrespectful they sound very immature and quite selfish.

SunshineAndFizz · 01/02/2025 13:16

Your kids have a terrible attitude. And you're enabling it.

Who in the Jeremy Kyle doesn't go to their beloved grandmas funeral?

Oblomov25 · 01/02/2025 13:16

This is really bad. I don't understand their attitude and they seem incredibly entitled. The statement of it being 'performative crap' is classic. Even if it is, if it's what grandma would've wanted, people getting together to celebrate her life, what about doing something to respectful uk her wishes even if it isn't something you yourself would choose?

And then to come, but then announce they weren't coming to the actual do. (With hindsight maybe you should've talked to them more about it all pre the actual day? You shouldn't need to, but clearly you did need to?).

And then to post the clip of music driving home, jolly, post leaving. Is incredibly insensitive. And to not take your call. I'd be very sad that my children could behave so disrespectfully. Sad

mummyh2016 · 01/02/2025 13:16

I get it. It was the same with my Nan with my cousins. With both Nan's tbh. Especially with my dad's mom. My aunt and her kids never bothered to see my Nan. She was in a home for the last 6 years of her life and they never bothered to see her. Their excuse was 'it would've broken our heart to see her like that'. Well it wasn't exactly fun for us! They used to also say they lived too far away. It was a 30 minute drive. Then on the day of the funeral it was all 'poor Mary' (not GM name), and 'we're so upset'. It's bullshit. This was 6 years ago now and we've not seen any of them since. They'd took their cut of the inheritance and fucked off into the sunset.
At the same time though they've got to be the bigger person. They won't be looked at being there for her. They'll be looked at as they couldn't be bothered to go to her funeral but happy to take the inheritance.

Schoolchoicesucks · 01/02/2025 13:16

RosesAndHellebores · 01/02/2025 12:56

How would I deal with it? Very simply, my DC (who are 30 and 26) would be getting the biggest kick up the backside of their entire lives. They have been rude, selfish and disrespectful to the living and the dead.

This.

They are adults. They were close to your mum, their gran, and she expressed her wishes about her funeral plans and the family being together.

They should honour her wishes and attend her funeral, to be there with you.

Why do you think they attended today if they had no intention of coming to the funeral?

It isn't about them, it's about their gran. They are old enough to understand that.

mindutopia · 01/02/2025 13:16

I think it’s up to them what they do, though I think they probably should make the effort to be there given the circumstances, assuming they are able to get the time off.

That said, the extent to which the family has kicked off and is passing around their social media posts he probably has a point about performative grief and doesn’t want to be involved in the family drama.

TheGirlattheBack · 01/02/2025 13:15

I’m a firm believer in show up when I’m alive. Performance grieving when you haven’t made an effort for a relative is infuriating. I am not surprised your son is struggling with the family dynamic at the moment and I wouldn’t be forcing him to attend the funeral either.

Maybe you and your 2 children could organise your own day/event to remember your mum/their grandmother?

Moresettingsplease · 01/02/2025 13:14

BeTwinklyKhakiPanda · 01/02/2025 13:12

I have lot of sympathy for your children. Yes, they could have handled it sensitively but it sounds like some others in the family need a good look in the mirror

Show quote history

Quite

Original poster
LounSue · 01/02/2025 13:14

I don't know if my sister said anything to him to provoke him, it wouldn't surprise me if she had (she thinks my children act above themselves as they are the highest earners in the family, first to go to uni etc.), she also has issues with his girlfriend, she isn't British and she has made xenophobic comments about her in the past. However I do think my sister would have been polite today, so I really don't know.

OP posts:
FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 01/02/2025 13:13

Everyone is grieving and that makes emotions volatile

They can not go to the funeral if they want. They are adults who know what they want and how they can handle grief.

You could say to them "I'd appreciate you being there for me" but it sounds like they have some trauma from the past experiences with funerals which have come to the surface

Your sister shouldn't be shouting at you though. It's uncalled for.

Singing and dancing in the car is irrelevant. People are allowed to continue to live and be happy and enjoy time together.

UnderTheStairs51 · 01/02/2025 13:13

Pleasealexa · 01/02/2025 13:07

But your mother wanted them there so out of respect for her they should go.

He needs to put his feelings aside and attend the funeral which his grandmother had planned. They are grown ups...if they act like this now it's likely they won't attend your funeral.

This. The funeral is a separate issue to being pissed off with the family and something that mattered to your mum is the wrong place to make a point.

LeafofLorien · 01/02/2025 13:13

LounSue · 01/02/2025 13:03

I think DS has an issue with the fact some of my family haven't been very good to my mum. They would stress her out endlessly, calling when they needed money and then not paying back, these are the ones posting all over social media heartbroken. I do think he could have handled it better though.

To your children's credit, they made a lot of effort with their grandmother when she was alive, and that is what matters. They are also grieving and whilst maybe they worded things badly, I understand where they are coming from. I did a very similar thing as a 19 year old, did not attend my grandfather's funeral despite having gone to his house 5 times a week around my long shifts to help care for him in the last 6 months of his life as he desperately didn't want to go in a nursing home. Then when he died all the crocodile tears came out from relatives who hadn't seen him in years squabbling over the very little inheritance there was. And I just couldn't face it. I wanted to grieve on my own, in my own way. I did my bit, I don't feel any regrets.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2025 13:12

I bet your DS doesn't think the wishes of his grandmother in regard to his inheritance is "performative crap". If he's going to go along with those wishes, he should go along with the ones she had for her funeral.

I think your DC were very rude. They should be at the funeral barring any genuine reason for being unable to.

TangerineClementine · 01/02/2025 13:12

I mean yes, it's up to them, but I think it's terrible of them to behave like this. I would be devastated if my DC did this.

Tittibits · 01/02/2025 13:12

It would be non negotiable in my house. I’d wonder what I did wrong if my child refused to come to a close family members funeral. Going to a funeral is about showing love and respect for that family members; supporting those that feel the loss and celebrating the life of the person who has died.