Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

Sounds like they can’t stomach your sister, and it sounds like she’s behaving very badly. I think in the circumstances you describe it’s entirely reasonable.

Tbh OP this makes it sound like it IS performative crap. If your DC don’t feel they can come and support you at the funeral, which is a shame, I think it would be fine if the three of you also had your own wake or remembrance, so that you can grieve together in a way you find meaningful.

Their decision but I would lose a little bit of respect for them tbh. She is their grandmother and you are their mum, it is a selfish attitude whatever they think of funerals could they not even make the effort to support you. I would be devastated if my kids had this attitude.

You do understand that love and respect cannot be bought with inheritance? That’s coercive control, nothing more or less, despite what you might like to think.

I'm with your children on this. Your son's reasons are perfectly valid.

Your daughter and son have behaved abysmally. They should be ashamed of themselves, and you should be ashamed of their behaviour too.

It’s one thing choosing not to go to a funeral, it’s quite another behaving the way they did.

It’s appalling.

They sound pious and lazy. Shame they've already got the cash tbh, as they can't be arsed to follow her wishes. Not like is going to do them any harm is it!

Well there you go. She's pushed them out then acted outraged when they shrugged and walked away rather than meekly went along with her plans. The music in the car was a fuck you to her. I genuinely don't think your children are callous to their grandmother they just don't want anything to do with this aunt.

I’ve changed my mind. If your sister is treating them like this, not allowing them to have any part of the funeral I don’t blame them. This is your horrible sisters doing.

Your children are being 100% selfish twats, sorry. I’d say that unless they come to the funeral to support you and pay respect to their bloody grandmother, you’ll take a very dim view of it and it WILL affect any future inheritance.

They’re still at the stage when they think that their own their principles outweigh anything else. Teenagers dressed up as adults.
Your son is clearly upset at the family members who didn’t visit grandma when she was alive, and feels they are performing grief, while he is actually feeling it.
But to use that as an excuse not to go to her funeral, to begrudge taking a a day off work does reflect badly on him , and because you are his mum, on you too. Not that there’s anything much you can do about it now.
I think you you could tell your sister that you are very upset about the whole thing, and that you are going to have to get through the funeral without the support of your own children or their father, and that she is making it worse for you.
I think you could ask your DC to reconsider for your sake. I think you could point out that if they don’t come it will make continued family relationships very difficult for them and you going forward. I think their pig-headedness is very selfish, even though they are right to be upset if they feel certain family members let grandma down during her last few years.
Im very sorry for your loss and for the fact that all your surviving family seem to be behaving selfishly putting you in a very difficult position.

He’s right in part, there is a load of performative bullshit at a lot of funerals. Some people present will be genuine in their grief. Some people not present will be equally grief-stricken. It’s not disrespectful to not attend a funeral. Funerals are for the living- back to performance vs genuine grief- the dead person has no idea what’s going on around them. I’m sorry for your loss OP, try to not let this into your head.

I can’t see why the OP’s DC are getting such a hart time here.

Her DS is right, it’s a load of performative crap. Her children who couldn’t be bothered with her when she was alive are now playing the grieving relatives and acting as if she was oh so important to them when actually, when she was alive they didn’t give a shit.

Personally I’m planning on not having a funeral, and ironically there are people who would criticise that on the basis that “funerals are for the living.” Well if that’s the case, OP’s DS is one of the living and he doesn’t feel the need to go to an event which is going to be full of hypocritical performance mourners.

This feels like a bit of a drip feed that has escalated with each post.

While every adult technically has the right to make their own decision, if these were my adult dc I'd be deeply disappointed they put what they want in the moment ahead of respect for their Gran, being there for you, or just common decency. As a mother I would not hide behind 'it's their choice' malarkey. Decency carries a lot of weight in my book. Of course, I do understand that they may be angry other family members didn't treat their Gran well but that doesn't excuse their not taking part. I'd walk them through those feelings and remind them two wrongs don't make a right. Standing there in support of their Granny is a final thank you to the clearly positive role she had and their close relationship.

The video was beyond tactless and to be honest it could easily come across as they got what they want £ and now aren't interested, even if that's not true. You aren't responsible for their choices @LounSue but it seems odd to condone it. I'd be having a word.

I can see your son's POV in all honesty. He clearly loved his Grandmother and showed her that when she was alive by spending time with her and having a close loving relationship. That's more meaningful than showing face at a funeral.

It sounds to me more like he's angry with those who made her life difficult or upset her when they didn't bother to care for her when she was here but who are suddenly devastated now she's dead and will be weeping and wailing for show at the funeral.
I get that and I understand that it would be difficult to watch when (to his mind) they're pretending to care when he's genuinely grieving. If the angry sister is one of those who didn't bother then perhaps she's reacted this way because it's touched a nerve.

I think in his shoes I would go just to support my mum and he wasn't tactful in his words but it really sounds more like he is handling grief badly more than being purely selfish.

DH family are big on visiting graves weekly leaving flowers etc. That's fine for them if it helps but I personally don't get it, it does nothing for me, the people I loved aren't there they're in my memory and heart. Outward expressions of remembrance aren't how I mourn but it doesn't mean I don't care.

Upbeat music in the car and posting this on instagram is grieving? Okkkk

This is really valid. Plus it sounds like your DS was there for your DM when it counted. He can't be accused of being lazy or not caring when he went to all that trouble while she was still alive. Personally, in your shoes, I'd rather they were there. But your sister can fuck off shouting at your children just because they're not doing what she thinks they should.

I feel so sad for you, Op.
Your DC are behaving so very disrespectfully.
It's wrong fo them to take your mother's money if they can't attend her funeral as she had expected.

If your DS was so close to his Gran why did no one ask if he could write and deliver the Eulogy? Is there a sensible reason that they maybe felt left out. They are so rude and selfish.

They sound selfish and thoughtless.
It is their choice not to attend but I think it's pretty awful and they should be supporting you at this time.

I really do feel for you. So sorry for your loss.

I was going to ask if they have been to many funerals as it sounds quite a dramatic response. When in fact funerals are generally calm and quiet places to be. But of course, if funerals have been traumatic for them in the past, then it’s tricky to prove that they aren’t awful.

I think you should ask them how they want to say goodbye.

Let them know that a funeral is just a handy place for everyone to say goodbye at the same time but that they don’t need to hang around for the ‘performance’. Whatever part that is. They could arrange some private time at the funeral home or at the very end for their own very personal goodbyes if they liked. But this is the last chance to be physically near them.

There is a sliding scale of time people spent with her. There could be ex-carers who were there every day, or old friends or people she hadn’t seen in years. It’s just a place for everyone to say goodbye. They could speak if they wanted to, or share some photo’s or video.

Either way it’s their choice.

Your DC can do what they like and give your posts I would agree with them. Funerals are for the living not the dead.

I don't go to funerals either. Except my dad's and that was to support my mum. I will go to my mum's because I suppose I'll be organizing it.