Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

Gosh I disagree with most of the early posts, funerals are for the living and crucially ds was there for your mum when she was alive. Add in the negative feelings about their dad’s funeral which must have been traumatic for them as teenagers and I think they are well within their right to refuse. I would pull your sister up for being so judgmental.

We all handle our grief in different ways and it’s our own private business whether we attend a funeral. I imagine funerals are very triggering for your DC if their dad died when they were young. Family members should respect this and the possible stress they’re under due to the trauma it’s brought to the surface.

However, if it was your mum’s wish that her entire family should be together to see her off, it would be respectful of them to try to honour that.

A compromise could be struck. For example, they don’t sit through the whole service: they sit towards the back and go out if they need a breather. Or they skip the reception afterwards, so they can avoid chatting to people they feel are being hypocritical and weren’t there for their grandma when she was alive.

It seems to me the entire family needs to be less judgey. We all have different relationships with people close to us compared to others. No one should be judging anyone else’s relationship, as they don’t know the full extent of it. It’s not wrong to ask your mum if you can borrow money, especially if she’s always made it clear you only have to ask. She might have borrowed from them at some point. Equally, people who regularly see someone towards the end of their life can have all sorts of motivations, and it shouldn’t be assumed they’re after being left money.

It’s probably everyone’s grief looking for an outlet. At this point, I’d speak to your DC and say their grandma wanted them to be there and ask is anything could happen to make that possible. And speak to your sister and say you understand she’s grieving your mum, but she shouldn’t take it out on your kids, who are grieving too and likely triggered about the loss of their dad.

This!

I'm kinda with your son.
My dmum is still with us, but dsis sees her no more than twice a year. She hasn't seen the adult grandkids on that side of the family in years.
I have no doubt that they will all turn up for the funeral and go on about family etc but I guess I will bite my tongue.

The way I read this post was that attending the breakfast shows that they were prepared to attend the funeral, but something happened at that breakfast to change their minds. And it might well have something to do with your sister. What your DS said was heartfelt. His grandmother obviously meant a lot to him but the way some people were behaving at the breakfast triggered him. He sounds like someone who is grieving to me.

Your sister is grieving too, but it isn't OK that she is on these young people's case. She just won't leave them be. It isn't her right to dictate what sort of music they listen to in the car. Loud, pounding music might be a distraction from the sadness they are experiencing.

This has clearly provoked very different reactions. I’m with your son tbh. If he had a good relationship with your family I would suggest chatting to him to smooth things over / see the bigger picture. But he doesn’t, your sister doesn’t like him and doesn’t hide it. I’d honestly be proud of him OP, he showed love and respect to your mum when it actually mattered - when she was alive. Her funeral has now been hijacked by your sister. Would it work to have a separate event for just you and your children where you remember your mum and honour her in a way that’s meaningful to you all? You do all need to say goodbye to her, but it doesn’t have to be in such a difficult context. It sounds like your son is carrying a lot of weight from his dad’s funeral, which sounds incredibly traumatic and came at a very difficult time. No wonder he reacted as he did. The only thing that would change my feelings is if any part of you feels he might have behaved manipulatively towards your mum with her inheritance in mind. If you are clear that isn’t the case, I’d stand alongside your DCs. I hope you are doing ok though, it’s a lot to be both grieving your mum and then getting drawn into all of this.

See I sort of agree with this but a 25 year old lad who's had a good relationship with her and spoken weekly clearly isn't one who doesn't have a crap. A lot of young people don't make anywhere near this effort in busy lives

Wow this sounds like such a mess all round

I hope it doesn't result in a permanent rift for all of you

No they aren’t - what isn important is being there for the person when they are alive

it sounds as if he was there when she was alive and simply cannot be bothered to deal with those who weren’t there when she was alive but will make a big fuss at the funeral

I can't believe they won't be there to support you. And to blindside you like that was dreadful.

I think you excuse a lot from the kids. I’d be very upset if my kids didn’t attend their grandmother’s funeral, exams or illness excluded. Mine would want to support me at the very least.

Not read all PP but I would be furious if I were you. People cannot bury or cremate themselves - someone has to do and as it seems DM had not arranged one of those prepaid cremations where no body attends -then I think your C should go to funeral. They seemed very rude, bad tempered and selfish.

I believe your son was less than diplomatic but I can see things from his point of view. He has awful memories of his Dad's funeral and half of your siblings didn't bother
with your mum other than visiting her twice a year. Perhaps he feels their interest in making funeral arrangements is hypocritical?
It's traditional to attend a funeral to pay our respects; but equally someone can light a candle and say goodbye to that person in private.

I agree.

OP has said she doesn’t really mind them not going and they don’t want to go, so I’m not seeing the issue. They shouldn’t have to consider the feelings of an aunt who apparently dislikes them.

We didn’t even have a funeral for my father. Didn’t mean we loved him less, or grieved less.

Well that’s a bit of an information drop. If true he has a very valid point and I can understand why he presumably thought a planning for the funeral breakfast was being done for show.

The grandchildren should have mentioned it to you prior to the family breakfast - to soften the blow.

Everyone should be able to say goodbye how they wish - I have to agree with them saying people turn up when they didn't give a fig about her in life. We had this with my gran.

I find it sad they that don't want to support you at the service, but maybe they feel their emotions on the day may lead to some truths being told and spoiling it.
I'd focus on how they looked after your mum in her life and how close they were.

See I don't really see an Issue with them not coming to the funeral

Before this, I would have said your sister was being wholly unreasonable to blame you for your adult children's terrible behaviour.

Presumably your sister views you as a permissive parent and this is the result.

Ultimately, it's still on the adult kids though. It doesn't sound like they'll miss the relationship much with their aunt.

What the actual fuck?

You actually think that the OP should tell her children that unless they attend a funeral their inheritance will be affected? Clearly you’re one of those kinds of toxic parents.

If my parents started making threats that I should or shouldn’t do something or inheritance would be reduced I’d tell them to stick their money where the sun doesn’t shine.

And as for the posters saying the OP needs to be responsible for her children, as adults I presume that you still obey your parents? No? Didn’t think so.

I would be v upset if my children behaved in this way. V sad for your mum who obviously thought the world of them. I would be having a word if it was me. I know they re grown ups but they are not behaving respectfully.

Whether it's fine or not, it's not within your control. They are adults. What does your sister expect you to do at this point?

Why have you let your sister to organise everything then and exclude your children?
why weren’t you involved?

Yes! You are correct, It is your self centred and horrible dc choice not to attend their grans funeral.