Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

I’m sorry to hear you’ve raised such selfish ungrateful brats OP. Absolutely disgusting behaviour, I’d be ashamed if they were my kids. Your sister was far more pleasant than I’d be! How utterly self centered and cruel they are

Your family sounds a bit skewed. Everything is prepped for difficulties in that your kids inheriting more.

also come from a big family with loads aunts/uncles. My gran had her favourites (I wasn’t one) BUT I had enough family values to do the right thing and turn up for funeral and support my mum (who was gran’s least favourite child).

it is up to them but if they really feel like this would they bother to organise your funeral?

Life moves on, and the younger generation doesn't deal with the bullshit demanded of society regardless of whether it causes offence or not. Your DS is right, where were these people when she was alive and wanted company. DD may be riding a shotgun in solidarity with him. Also, yes, it is a day off work for them both; I doubt they will get compassionate leave, and it will be a holiday. Today was for them to see family and pay respects without enduring the service sniffing relatives who hardly saw her performing on Monday. I take my hat off to them, but I wish they had told you first so you were prepared for your sister's reaction.

This reminds me of the time my aunt died. She had no children. My cousins, who hardly knew her, completely took over. We probably should have told them "no, you're not in charge of the readings". Those of us who were actually close to her felt like bystanders. My mother just wanted to get through it, so we left them to it.

It sounds like the relationship with your siblings isn't as important as your relationship with your kids. You know your son dislikes funerals. I would concentrate on letting your kids know you support them whatever they decide to do and let your sister think as she will about them.

At the beginning I thought your DC were being thoughtless and selfish, but reading your subsequent posts OP, I'm firmly on their side.

It sounds like they are the people who really loved and made an effort with your DM, while their cousins, and your siblings did little and even just used her for money. It must make your DC feel angry and sick to see all the performative grief on social media, your sister taking over the funeral plans, and excluding your DC

It sounds like your DC were planning to go, but that your sister said something that kicked this off. Or perhaps it was when your DC realised they were being excluded.

I know you've said you've learnt it's best to let your sister do what she wants, but this has had consequences for your children. They're not continuing the pattern.

Sure but just because you were not that close or involved it doesnt mean you shouldnt show some respect and attend a funeral. Completely two different things and nothing for both kids to interfere now, its not their place to dictate who shouldnt attend because there were not visiting as much…so rude of them to even comment on that

I wonder if the decision was only made at the breakfast.

I don’t think an apology is needed. Or if there is one, the sister also needs to apologise for her pattern of behaviour towards OP’s DC.

She's dead, she won't care.

So that is the issue? I would support him and your dd on this. They quite rightly recognize that the funeral is a place for their aunts and uncles to perform griefcand slag off your mother’s favorite grandchildren. They don’t feel close to your siblings and they don’t feel the need to continue the relationship now their grandmother doesn’t need them to.

Your kids are completely disrespectful and rude. Guessing they will be happy to take her money but not happy to respect her wishes for an hour out of their lives to sit in a funeral service

I would be embarrassed if they were my kids

It's their choice to go or not, and I don't think they should be blamed for that. They are lots of reasons why people won't attend funerals.
However, they are old enough to know it's not about them but about their grandmother and family.

Your son was extremely rude though. He didn't have to attend the breakfast if it was to align on a funeral he wasn't attending. He could easily have told you and excuse himself. But it looks like they only came to make a point and "tell them to their faces", which is so so wrong!

They should apologise to your sister and the family.

Your kids ARE selfish. They are adults, sometimes as an adults you have to do something even if you are not 100% into it but its a family thing and to just show some respect. I dont know how you can be ok with this.

I haven't read the full post but I have read your replies OP.

I was in your children's exact positions just a few months ago. The closet grandchild to my grandad, making the effort with him and no one else bothered until it was too late, then came the 'devastated' social media posts.

I may be going against the grain here but I don't blame your children at all for their feelings. However I do think they will regret it if they don't go.

If they aren't answering your calls then send them a message, let them know that you understand their feelings and why they have made this decision. Once they respond, see if they will then talk on the phone, then gently remind them that their grandmother would want them of all people to be there. This will be their last chance to do something for her. Ask if they could possibly swallow their feelings for just a few hours to get through the service. let them know they don't need to attend the wake if they feel it will be too much to spend time with the people they considered not to care. Perhaps also offer them another family get together at a different time (just your immediate family/you and them) to reminisce properly and give your mother the time that they feel she deserves.

My deepest condolences to all of you.

I suspect your children don’t care if they never have to deal with your sister’s side of the family again tbh, so ‘a permanent rift’ isn’t something they’re going to be wringing their hands about.

They were there when it mattered. It sounds like it has been organized as a performance piece by your sister, centering her children that never bothered with their grandmother unless they wanted something. I imagine he sees that as far more disrespectful than not attending said theatre.

Your kids are selfish and rude.

Well you’ve learned wrong! Because while it’s easier for you, it’s much harder for your DC.

Your DC are grieving a beloved GP who is probably more beloved because they lost their dad so young. They have been excluded from the funeral arrangements by people they know didn’t really care for their GP. And this morning’s breakfast was adding insult to injury. I’m not surprised they reacted that way.

I suspect it’s sadly too late to make any changes to Monday- although I urge you to try and find a way. I hope your children find a way to grieve. I’m sorry for your loss, but I do think you also need to find some empathy for your DCs’ feelings too. 💐

Their opinion may be valid but it was neither the time or the place for your DC to say it.

I would be very angry and disappointed with both my DC and struggle with their actions.

They have now put you in a horrible position which will taint your DM's funeral.

I'd be horrified and so disappointed if my children did this. They seem incredibly self-centred and need to grow up. They're happy to accept the money left to them by your DM, but not willing to pay their respects?

It sounds like you are making excuses for them by blaming other members of the family for not bothering with your DM when she was alive.

They are adults they can choose what they do - however I think in this circumstance it isn’t about them - it’s about respecting the funeral wishes of someone they profess to be close too! Their behaviour at the breakfast was awful - this should have been discussed in private with you, prior to everyone sitting together.

I don't think your DC are being disrespectful or disgusting, or any of the other things that have been said.
My DS didn't attend my mother's funeral but luckily we had discussed it beforehand, so it didn't come as a shock to anyone. I had said that I didn't need them to come and support me, so only come if they were coming for them, not for me. They chose not.

I do think your DS was being tactless BUT a lot of people are tactless when they are grieving, and everyone should give each other a lot of leeway at a time like this. (They rarely do, of course, because they are caught up in their own stuff)

He was basically speaking the truth, often hard to face, but always hard to face at funerals.
My DH had a similar situation at his beloved aunt's funeral and he ended up giving the family who hadn't bothered with her a sound telling off. Went down like a lead balloon.

As for upbeat music in the car, who's to say they weren’t celebrating Grandma's long and happy life and remembering the good times?

Why on earth did your DC bother coming to a breakfast that was specifically to run through the plan for the funeral if they had no intention of attending? Was it to make a point?

Previous rift or not, they sound very immature and self-centred to make the gathering all about them.

@EdithBond suggestions are a sensible approach.
We have had a similar issue within our wider family, and sometimes things are more complicated than they appear. Your sister is lacking in empathy, Op, and your children loved their grandmother- if they don't come it's not because they didn't care!

If this is really the case and the grandchildren who had little to do with her are doing the speeches, then I can understand why your children, who you say were much closer to her, would feel that it was all a bit lacking in authenticity. But at their age they should know better than to opt out because, in doing so, they have actively made the decision not to support you when you have lost your mum. I am very much in favour of people doing what they are comfortable with the majority of the time and taking a stand when necessary, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love and they have selfishly chosen not to do this for you. I would be so upset.