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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've mad an utter fool of myself

306 replies

Cloes · 27/01/2025 08:17

So I'm 30 now, I have a 2 year old DC, my partner left me for another woman 8 months ago and I haven't been myself since. Before my partner I had a long term relationship, he left me as he felt our lifestyles didn't match. We broke up when I was 25 and he was 24 after being together for 4.5 years.

Soon after the break up he moved abroad. Anyway this Christmas I went with my family for a post dinner drink at the pub and he happened to be there, with his girlfriend and his family. We chatted for like 30 minutes, nothing over the top just about life, he introduced me to his girlfriend.
After I left I was so confused, I felt like the spark was still there but equally I was worried I was misinterpreting the situation. So I found his instagram and sent a follow request, he accepted and I messaged saying how nice it was to see him. We continued messaging, honestly upon reflection his replies were very dry but I wasn't reading it like that. He did mention his girlfriend a lot but for some reason I still decided to try and flirt.

Skip ahead, yesterday I was visiting my parents and they told me they were going out with his parents for dinner. This is normal my parents and his parents were friends long before we were born and have maintained the friendship. My mum decided to ask if it would be okay if I joined them, they said yes. When I arrived I realised that my ex and his girlfriend were also there. I found the meal really difficult, seeing him all loved up with her made me feel sick and I just didn't know how to act, I must have seemed so off.

We then went back to his from some after dinner wine, I was pretty drunk by this point and he went to get another bottle from the kitchen, I decided to follow him, I don't know why or what I was expecting. I then took it upon myself to try and kiss him, he immediately pushed me back and asked me wtf I was doing and if I had lost my mind. I started sobbing in the kitchen and he went and immediately told his girlfriend.
Next thing she came through and I was still crying and she asked me what I did that for. I said I don't know and just got increasingly upset. She isn't British and has a heavy accent at times so I struggled to understand her but I eventually said something like "I don't know I guess I'm just jealous cause you're beautiful and have him and I don't" and then I muttered under my breath "I hate you". She quickly replied to that with "Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with" or something like that and walked away. By this time he must of told his parents and his parents must have suggested to my parents we leave so my mum came and got me and said let's go.
When we got home my mum went mad asking if I've lost my mind or if I'm trying to sabotage her friendship and their relationship.

I got a can back to mine and I spoke to some friends, i genuinely believed that he was into me from the messages but other friends have now seen screenshots and all told me it was totally in my head and he was mentioning his girlfriend every few messages.

AIBU to just want to be swallowed whole by the earth, I'm so embarrassed and this is very out of character for me. I have a career and friends and a normal life I'm not crazy. How do I recover from this, my friends think I've lost my mind, my parents are clearly upset with me. What do I do?

OP posts:
Curtainqueen · 27/01/2025 10:13

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 09:58

She did not do something 'really bad' she did something really stupid. And I'd say the sam eif she'd been a man. Going in for a kiss is not 'predatory' unless you are literally cornering and coercing the other person in some sort of menacing or manipulative way, or there is an obvious power imbalance (and by that I don't mean simply by being male) or exerting some sort of pressure on the other person, either psychological or physical which you know very well is making them feel uncomfortable.

How are you supposed to know whether you are going to get rebuffed for a kiss until you try? We all hope we are reading the signals right, but we can't always be sure. If everyone was considered 'predatory' the first time they leaned in for a snog we'd all be single forever for fear of being labelled a sex pest. Bloody hell, how did we get here, when something like this is regarded as a sexual assault?

Edited
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The definition of sexual assault is an unwanted sexual advance, so…..

babyproblems · 27/01/2025 10:12

I think:

  • really insensitive and shit of your parents’ to stay so chummy with his parents despite your history. That is shit of them imo!!!
  • avoid all of them for as long as you want.
  • you were drunk- I would make that very clear to anyone who queries you and just laugh it all off.

Now for the problems - I’m not surprised you feel as you do. You sound lonely and they’ve all just carried on without much care towards you it seems to me. Do you have other friends? Could you take on a new hobby? Don’t beat yourself up for feeling crappy and a bit unstable- it’s normal imo after what you’ve been through. It’s a lot!! Do something nice for yourself. Forget about what they may or may not think of you. You’re allowed to be human and you had too much to drink. Xxx

Dreammouse · 27/01/2025 10:11

Firstly you aren't the first and won't be the last to do something like this, you can't change it so need to just accept its happened now.

I wouldn't message him or her, he has been very clear and it won't help anything to message her. Just chalk it down to a vulnerable time in your life and a series of poor decisions.

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 10:10

abricotine · 27/01/2025 10:08

I misread too — the thread police are out in force! Some very angry people here today…

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Be prepared for @Connected1 who will also "despair at your reading comprehension." 😆

abricotine · 27/01/2025 10:09

Moveoverdarlin · 27/01/2025 10:00

I would send a bunch of flowers to the girlfriend with a card saying ‘Truly sorry for what happened, I don’t know what came over me. I had too much to drink and I feel like a total idiot. Lucy x’

I’d send another bunch to his mother saying ‘Really sorry for spoiling the night Sue, I feel so stupid and Mum is furious with me. It was my first Christmas on my own and seeing Mark again made me have a wobble. I don’t think the wine helped either. All my fault, won’t happen again. Much Love Lucy x

And maybe fire off a message to him on Instagram saying ‘I feel like such a dick, your girlfriend seems really nice. I’m so sorry, you must think I’m a nutcase. I was struggling a bit over Christmas and totally misread things. Not your fault at all.’ And then I would unfollow him.

Edited

great advice

Arrivederla · 27/01/2025 10:09

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 27/01/2025 09:06

I don't think that would be recieved well. If my partner's ex kissed him, I wouldn't want a letter from her. I'd want her to quietly fuck off

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Exactly. What is all this nonsense about a hand written letter, and I think another poster mentioned flowers?? Talk about adding even more drama to everything!

A message apologising and then blocking on everything is enough. We all do stupid things op, you are not the only one!

Curtainqueen · 27/01/2025 10:09

"Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with"

That bit I really don’t get? She wants to swap places with you?? 😵‍💫

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 10:08

BunnyLake · 27/01/2025 09:48

Huh? What thread are you reading?

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I didn't quite get the partner before partner bit.

abricotine · 27/01/2025 10:08

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 10:05

The OP should be sufficiently clear!! FFS YOURSELF.

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I misread too — the thread police are out in force! Some very angry people here today…

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 10:07

McSpoot · 27/01/2025 10:06

No

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Thank you, I wasn't sure how to read the first post.

McSpoot · 27/01/2025 10:06

ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 09:46

Wait, he's the father of you kid, he moved abroad, and he happened to be in the pub and hadn't contacted you in advance to see his kid?

No

Lettucepray1 · 27/01/2025 10:05

Yes it’s embarrassing but no lasting harm done except to your self-esteem. You can fix things:

  • send a note to his parents apologising for your behaviour at their house and at their invitation. Explain it was out of character etc as pp have suggested.
  • send a note to him with a similar apology. No need to send a letter to the girlfriend. You could message via IG but he may have blocked you or may not read it. Better send a physical note if you can.
  • Stop all contact with him and unfollow him on social media.
  • As others have said: counselling for yourself as you are in a vulnerable place and need some non-judgemental support and a space to process and come to terms with your break up, and get your confidence back.
ServantsGonnaServe · 27/01/2025 10:05

KarlaKK · 27/01/2025 09:47

FFS read the thread!

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The OP should be sufficiently clear!! FFS YOURSELF.

Gr8white · 27/01/2025 10:04

It will be OK. These things happen.

JustAskingThisQ · 27/01/2025 10:04

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 09:58

She did not do something 'really bad' she did something really stupid. And I'd say the sam eif she'd been a man. Going in for a kiss is not 'predatory' unless you are literally cornering and coercing the other person in some sort of menacing or manipulative way, or there is an obvious power imbalance (and by that I don't mean simply by being male) or exerting some sort of pressure on the other person, either psychological or physical which you know very well is making them feel uncomfortable.

How are you supposed to know whether you are going to get rebuffed for a kiss until you try? We all hope we are reading the signals right, but we can't always be sure. If everyone was considered 'predatory' the first time they leaned in for a snog we'd all be single forever for fear of being labelled a sex pest. Bloody hell, how did we get here, when something like this is regarded as a sexual assault?

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So imagine this. A man who has recently divorced bumps into his ex and old family friend in a pub. The ex introduces him to her partner and they chat.

The man leaves feeling there was a spark despite the introduction and the small talk. He then decides to find his ex on social media. He adds her and again, the ex emphasises her partner and makes small talk. The man still reads into this and thinks there is something more.

Then, while drunk at a social function with family and her partner, when she leaves the room, he follows her and makes a pass at her while she is alone in the room. Again, because he believes she's sending him messages that she wants this despite her casual conversation and frequent mentions of her current relationship.

This is bad. It isn't silly or stupid. It's worrying behaviour.

SandlersToe · 27/01/2025 10:03

JustAskingThisQ · 27/01/2025 09:56

Yes but it's isn't man-hating. It's almost anti-feminist. People really believe that women are lesser and therefore their actions have less impact. They think women lack the competence to control themselves so "these things happen". The idea that women are weak and fickle has lasted thousands of years and is still alive and well today.

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Absolutely. Though we as a society have made some progression we have definitely regressed in ways at the same time.

OpalMaker · 27/01/2025 10:02

Cloes · 27/01/2025 09:01

I wish he had waited to tell her as I think I found this gorgeous girl having a go at me even more hurtful than the rejection. Especially the "I've never been hated by someone I'd want to swap positions with" like thank you I'm so glad my life is your worst nightmare 😕

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In fairness, you’ve had designs on her boyfriend for several days and then tried to kiss him, if he’d kissed you back and dumped her, and you’d run off into the sunset, you’d have ruined her life and she’d be feeling incredibly sad and vulnerable in a foreign country.

I think you’re stuck in a bit of a victim mentality where you feel so sorry for yourself that you aren’t really seeing that you tried to harm this woman’s relationship and happy life.

She isn’t your parents, or your ex or your parents long term friends who all presumably care for you, she’s a stranger whose life you tried to ruin because you felt sorry for yourself. You don’t get to make her into the bad guy. She’s a normal woman with feelings and probably her own difficult and upsetting past circumstances, your irritation at what she said is unfounded and you need to give her a little bit of grace, if you’re asking for a lorry load of it from everyone yourself.

KimberleyClark · 27/01/2025 10:02

Apologise sincerely in writing with no excuses. I agree with pp that you need some serious help. Heavy flirting with someone who is spoken for is never acceptable, and certainly not when his girlfriend is present.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/01/2025 10:00

I would send a bunch of flowers to the girlfriend with a card saying ‘Truly sorry for what happened, I don’t know what came over me. I had too much to drink and I feel like a total idiot. Lucy x’

I’d send another bunch to his mother saying ‘Really sorry for spoiling the night Sue, I feel so stupid and Mum is furious with me. It was my first Christmas on my own and seeing Mark again made me have a wobble. I don’t think the wine helped either. All my fault, won’t happen again. Much Love Lucy x

And maybe fire off a message to him on Instagram saying ‘I feel like such a dick, your girlfriend seems really nice. I’m so sorry, you must think I’m a nutcase. I was struggling a bit over Christmas and totally misread things. Not your fault at all.’ And then I would unfollow him.

HollyKnight · 27/01/2025 09:59

As someone who grew up in a family who always had this kind of drunken drama at Christmas, it will be fine. It's not as bad as it seems. Just send a card to the other parents apologising for your drunken behaviour. Send similar to ex and his partner. Nothing dramatic or from the soul. Just say you were drunk and out of order and that you are sorry. Then get on with your life. It's not that bad.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 09:58

JustAskingThisQ · 27/01/2025 09:40

I think that's infantilising the OP because she is a woman. She did something really bad, almost predatory, but it seems like people are downplaying the seriousness of targeting someone who is happily partnered and then getting them alone to make a physical pass at them. It's very insidious behaviour.

It doesn't matter how sad she is. It isn't an excuse like it wouldn't be for a man.

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She did not do something 'really bad' she did something really stupid. And I'd say the sam eif she'd been a man. Going in for a kiss is not 'predatory' unless you are literally cornering and coercing the other person in some sort of menacing or manipulative way, or there is an obvious power imbalance (and by that I don't mean simply by being male) or exerting some sort of pressure on the other person, either psychological or physical which you know very well is making them feel uncomfortable.

How are you supposed to know whether you are going to get rebuffed for a kiss until you try? We all hope we are reading the signals right, but we can't always be sure. If everyone was considered 'predatory' the first time they leaned in for a snog we'd all be single forever for fear of being labelled a sex pest. Bloody hell, how did we get here, when something like this is regarded as a sexual assault?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/01/2025 09:58

You are clearly still in love with him.

What's done is done, obviously you should have went home from the meal.

They'll get over and so will you.

Your mother should have read the room much earlier.

I am sorry that you feel so raw. It's been a long time since my heart was broken.

I remember the pain and emotion.
MIxing alcohol, emotions and sitting opposite my ex and his new love would have crushed me. 💐

The good news is, in a few year's you'll be grateful that you didn't end up with him.

Give yourself time, accept he doesn't love you like you love him.

Take care..

Barney16 · 27/01/2025 09:58

Try to be kind to yourself. Yes it was a bit of a disastrous moment and having your parents witness it is horrid but you can't change what happened. You sound like you have had a hard time and misinterpreted what was going on, probably because you were looking for kindness and he seemed so familiar. Chalk it down to experience. Apologise to all concerned and move on.

EdithBond · 27/01/2025 09:56

Oh dear, shocking mess, but lots of us mess up. You’ll be OK with some time and distance. At least he lives abroad, so you won’t risk regularly bumping into them.

The honourable thing to do is profusely apologise to all concerned. Say, on reflection, you know you shouldn’t have thought about him as anything other than a friend nor hoped your feelings for him were reciprocated, as that’d be very disrespectful to his gf.

Acknowledge to you parents that you realise this risks affecting their long-standing friendship with his folks. Though, if his parents are good friends to them, they won’t judge or blame them for your behaviour.

Seek counselling to fully get over your feelings for him. Sounds like maybe you never did.

JustAskingThisQ · 27/01/2025 09:56

SandlersToe · 27/01/2025 09:54

You just know if roles were reversed these comments would be completely different.

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Yes but it's isn't man-hating. It's almost anti-feminist. People really believe that women are lesser and therefore their actions have less impact. They think women lack the competence to control themselves so "these things happen". The idea that women are weak and fickle has lasted thousands of years and is still alive and well today.