I've mad an utter fool of myself

Thanks everyone. I feel so stupid.

How would I be best to apologise, just an instagram message or should I hand write a letter or card? What should I say?

In fairness, you’ve had designs on her boyfriend for several days and then tried to kiss him, if he’d kissed you back and dumped her, and you’d run off into the sunset, you’d have ruined her life and she’d be feeling incredibly sad and vulnerable in a foreign country.

I think you’re stuck in a bit of a victim mentality where you feel so sorry for yourself that you aren’t really seeing that you tried to harm this woman’s relationship and happy life.

She isn’t your parents, or your ex or your parents long term friends who all presumably care for you, she’s a stranger whose life you tried to ruin because you felt sorry for yourself. You don’t get to make her into the bad guy. She’s a normal woman with feelings and probably her own difficult and upsetting past circumstances, your irritation at what she said is unfounded and you need to give her a little bit of grace, if you’re asking for a lorry load of it from everyone yourself.

I'm going to give you a bashing OP. How could you???!!! Would you have liked it if another woman moved on your man like that? You tried to be a thief and it backfired. Have you no morals? The man even introduced you to his gf!! I'm sure the gf did not mutter what you've said because why would she wanna swap lives with a thief with no morals? Tried to kiss him with her upstairs? Ugh. You're incredibly lucky thinks ended peacefully. Hopefully, he has blocked you by now because you deserve it. You need therapy and some self love. Have your parents relay an apology on your behalf.

So I'm 30 now, I have a 2 year old DC, my partner left me for another woman 8 months ago and I haven't been myself since. Before my partner I had a long term relationship, he left me as he felt our lifestyles didn't match. We broke up when I was 25 and he was 24 after being together for 4.5 years.

Soon after the break up he moved abroad. Anyway this Christmas I went with my family for a post dinner drink at the pub and he happened to be there, with his girlfriend and his family. We chatted for like 30 minutes, nothing over the top just about life, he introduced me to his girlfriend.
After I left I was so confused, I felt like the spark was still there but equally I was worried I was misinterpreting the situation. So I found his instagram and sent a follow request, he accepted and I messaged saying how nice it was to see him. We continued messaging, honestly upon reflection his replies were very dry but I wasn't reading it like that. He did mention his girlfriend a lot but for some reason I still decided to try and flirt.

Skip ahead, yesterday I was visiting my parents and they told me they were going out with his parents for dinner. This is normal my parents and his parents were friends long before we were born and have maintained the friendship. My mum decided to ask if it would be okay if I joined them, they said yes. When I arrived I realised that my ex and his girlfriend were also there. I found the meal really difficult, seeing him all loved up with her made me feel sick and I just didn't know how to act, I must have seemed so off.

We then went back to his from some after dinner wine, I was pretty drunk by this point and he went to get another bottle from the kitchen, I decided to follow him, I don't know why or what I was expecting. I then took it upon myself to try and kiss him, he immediately pushed me back and asked me wtf I was doing and if I had lost my mind. I started sobbing in the kitchen and he went and immediately told his girlfriend.
Next thing she came through and I was still crying and she asked me what I did that for. I said I don't know and just got increasingly upset. She isn't British and has a heavy accent at times so I struggled to understand her but I eventually said something like "I don't know I guess I'm just jealous cause you're beautiful and have him and I don't" and then I muttered under my breath "I hate you". She quickly replied to that with "Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with" or something like that and walked away. By this time he must of told his parents and his parents must have suggested to my parents we leave so my mum came and got me and said let's go.
When we got home my mum went mad asking if I've lost my mind or if I'm trying to sabotage her friendship and their relationship.

I got a can back to mine and I spoke to some friends, i genuinely believed that he was into me from the messages but other friends have now seen screenshots and all told me it was totally in my head and he was mentioning his girlfriend every few messages.

AIBU to just want to be swallowed whole by the earth, I'm so embarrassed and this is very out of character for me. I have a career and friends and a normal life I'm not crazy. How do I recover from this, my friends think I've lost my mind, my parents are clearly upset with me. What do I do?

I think that's what most people would have done. Especially as he'd previously been in a long relationship with her. They seemed on reasonably good terms so why he felt the need to act like a scalded cat over it, I don't know. It just ruined a pleasant evening for everyone. he could have told his GF quietly later on. Not hugely chivalrous or understanding of him, considering he'd obviously once loved this girl and she'd obviously been through the mill recently and was at a low ebb and not thinking straight. No real harm was done.

Unless the OP is not being completely honest about her behaviour immediately after she was rebuffed. Perhaps she put him in a position where he had no choice but tell people because she was shouting and wailing like an angry, sloppy drunk. But as always with these things, we can only guess at the truth.

I've known men that would have laughed this all off as well. Left the kitchen and had a quiet word with her mum and dad about you feeling a bit sick and probably time to get you home to bed. Wrapped the evening up. Saved your humiliation.

No it isn't. You seem to lack any sense of proportion or nuance or context. Everyone is so flipping alarmist and black and white about everything these days. I despair, honestly.

He tried to kiss her, not rape her. She's not a stranger he's cornered in a dark alley. She's someone he dated for several years who he has recently reconnected with and has been trying to flirt with. He tried his luck with a kiss, it didn't work out. Trying to kiss someone you've previously been intimate with for several years isn't the same as sexual assault, unless, as I said, there are other aggravating factors. Get a grip.

I'm not defending the behaviour by the way, it was ill judged and stupid, but it wasn't dangerous or wicked or predatory.

So imagine this. A man who has recently divorced bumps into his ex and old family friend in a pub. The ex introduces him to her partner and they chat.

The man leaves feeling there was a spark despite the introduction and the small talk. He then decides to find his ex on social media. He adds her and again, the ex emphasises her partner and makes small talk. The man still reads into this and thinks there is something more.

Then, while drunk at a social function with family and her partner, when she leaves the room, he follows her and makes a pass at her while she is alone in the room. Again, because he believes she's sending him messages that she wants this despite her casual conversation and frequent mentions of her current relationship.

This is bad. It isn't silly or stupid. It's worrying behaviour.

I agree with you @KarlaKK . It’s nice if your parents have your back when the chips are down, even if you flung them there yourself! And they likely want a strong word the next day when you have sobered up!

A psychologist might say that the wound of being left after 4 years by a man saying “our lifestyles didn’t match” was reopened by seeing said man “all loved up” in front of OP. She knows it doesn’t excuse but it’s likely part of why OP seriously acted out on the evening.

@ThreeCheersFor5Years yeah and you added a sarky RTFT, followed by a lol at my expense. And now "if I care to read", which clearly I struggled with. So thanks, I feel crap for asking a question and being piled on when I wanted to understand better and try to offer some help to OP.

@MangoAndMelon @KarlaKK @ThreeCheersFor5Years

I'm a nice person who made a mistake st reading and asked a question. I wasn't nasty to anyone. Do you really have to pile on? Especially when you didn't even help answer for me.

He didn't need to tell her then and there though - nothing to be gained by that.

No one is saying it is the man's fault, but he definitely could have handled it better. The parents are old family friends at the end of the day.

I just don’t get this, if someone was cracking onto my husband I’d want to know, and I would go into the kitchen and tell her to do one. The partner showed restraint. And if she was drunk and sloppy I’d have no hesitation in quietly commenting to someone to ask her to leave.

id be furious if my husband didn’t tell me and tried to protect a woman who has been trying to flirt with him for months and then tried to kiss him in the kitchen when I was right there.

im fairly sure a lot of these responses are not thinking of the partner and because the op is female. They are trying to make it the man’s fault. That somehow he must be to blame.

he isn’t.nor is his partner. Or the parents.

I just don’t get this, if someone was cracking onto my husband I’d want to know, and I would go into the kitchen and tell her to do one. The partner showed restraint. And if she was drunk and sloppy I’d have no hesitation in quietly commenting to someone to ask her to leave.

id be furious if my husband didn’t tell me and tried to protect a woman who has been trying to flirt with him for months and then tried to kiss him in the kitchen when I was right there.

im fairly sure a lot of these responses are not thinking of the partner and because the op is female. They are trying to make it the man’s fault. That somehow he must be to blame.

he isn’t.nor is his partner. Or the parents.

"It’s nice if your parents have your back when the chips are down, even if you flung them there yourself!" Totally agree. I know my dad would have rescued me from the kitchen and got me out of there quickly and would have told me over the next few days it wasn't that big of a deal - so what she acted like she did. She was drunk and not herself. She wouldn't have acted like that sober. I've done stupid stuff when drunk.

The more I think about it the more I think the exBF could have handled it better and the current girlfriend could have stayed well away. I could not imagine myself going into the kitchen to speak to the OP if I were her and I'm amazed the ex's parents let it happen. If they are friends to your parents and presumably know you they would have handled this to make minimum fuss - quiet word to your parents about you not feeling great and time to get you to bed etc. I think the ex has been a drama queen and stirred things up. She made a pass at him and he rebuffed her. Not that big a deal.

@MangoAndMelon @KarlaKK @ThreeCheersFor5Years

I'm a nice person who made a mistake st reading and asked a question. I wasn't nasty to anyone. Do you really have to pile on? Especially when you didn't even help answer for me.

@Nantescalling

I didn't interpret it like that at all.
I think she was saying "No one who's ever hated me is someone I've wanted to be" basically saying hate me all you want I wouldn't want to be you.

I agree with you @KarlaKK . It’s nice if your parents have your back when the chips are down, even if you flung them there yourself! And they likely want a strong word the next day when you have sobered up!

A psychologist might say that the wound of being left after 4 years by a man saying “our lifestyles didn’t match” was reopened by seeing said man “all loved up” in front of OP. She knows it doesn’t excuse but it’s likely part of why OP seriously acted out on the evening.