So I'm 30 now, I have a 2 year old DC, my partner left me for another woman 8 months ago and I haven't been myself since. Before my partner I had a long term relationship, he left me as he felt our lifestyles didn't match. We broke up when I was 25 and he was 24 after being together for 4.5 years.
Soon after the break up he moved abroad. Anyway this Christmas I went with my family for a post dinner drink at the pub and he happened to be there, with his girlfriend and his family. We chatted for like 30 minutes, nothing over the top just about life, he introduced me to his girlfriend.
After I left I was so confused, I felt like the spark was still there but equally I was worried I was misinterpreting the situation. So I found his instagram and sent a follow request, he accepted and I messaged saying how nice it was to see him. We continued messaging, honestly upon reflection his replies were very dry but I wasn't reading it like that. He did mention his girlfriend a lot but for some reason I still decided to try and flirt.
Skip ahead, yesterday I was visiting my parents and they told me they were going out with his parents for dinner. This is normal my parents and his parents were friends long before we were born and have maintained the friendship. My mum decided to ask if it would be okay if I joined them, they said yes. When I arrived I realised that my ex and his girlfriend were also there. I found the meal really difficult, seeing him all loved up with her made me feel sick and I just didn't know how to act, I must have seemed so off.
We then went back to his from some after dinner wine, I was pretty drunk by this point and he went to get another bottle from the kitchen, I decided to follow him, I don't know why or what I was expecting. I then took it upon myself to try and kiss him, he immediately pushed me back and asked me wtf I was doing and if I had lost my mind. I started sobbing in the kitchen and he went and immediately told his girlfriend.
Next thing she came through and I was still crying and she asked me what I did that for. I said I don't know and just got increasingly upset. She isn't British and has a heavy accent at times so I struggled to understand her but I eventually said something like "I don't know I guess I'm just jealous cause you're beautiful and have him and I don't" and then I muttered under my breath "I hate you". She quickly replied to that with "Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with" or something like that and walked away. By this time he must of told his parents and his parents must have suggested to my parents we leave so my mum came and got me and said let's go.
When we got home my mum went mad asking if I've lost my mind or if I'm trying to sabotage her friendship and their relationship.
I got a can back to mine and I spoke to some friends, i genuinely believed that he was into me from the messages but other friends have now seen screenshots and all told me it was totally in my head and he was mentioning his girlfriend every few messages.
AIBU to just want to be swallowed whole by the earth, I'm so embarrassed and this is very out of character for me. I have a career and friends and a normal life I'm not crazy. How do I recover from this, my friends think I've lost my mind, my parents are clearly upset with me. What do I do?