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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've mad an utter fool of myself

306 replies

Cloes · 27/01/2025 08:17

So I'm 30 now, I have a 2 year old DC, my partner left me for another woman 8 months ago and I haven't been myself since. Before my partner I had a long term relationship, he left me as he felt our lifestyles didn't match. We broke up when I was 25 and he was 24 after being together for 4.5 years.

Soon after the break up he moved abroad. Anyway this Christmas I went with my family for a post dinner drink at the pub and he happened to be there, with his girlfriend and his family. We chatted for like 30 minutes, nothing over the top just about life, he introduced me to his girlfriend.
After I left I was so confused, I felt like the spark was still there but equally I was worried I was misinterpreting the situation. So I found his instagram and sent a follow request, he accepted and I messaged saying how nice it was to see him. We continued messaging, honestly upon reflection his replies were very dry but I wasn't reading it like that. He did mention his girlfriend a lot but for some reason I still decided to try and flirt.

Skip ahead, yesterday I was visiting my parents and they told me they were going out with his parents for dinner. This is normal my parents and his parents were friends long before we were born and have maintained the friendship. My mum decided to ask if it would be okay if I joined them, they said yes. When I arrived I realised that my ex and his girlfriend were also there. I found the meal really difficult, seeing him all loved up with her made me feel sick and I just didn't know how to act, I must have seemed so off.

We then went back to his from some after dinner wine, I was pretty drunk by this point and he went to get another bottle from the kitchen, I decided to follow him, I don't know why or what I was expecting. I then took it upon myself to try and kiss him, he immediately pushed me back and asked me wtf I was doing and if I had lost my mind. I started sobbing in the kitchen and he went and immediately told his girlfriend.
Next thing she came through and I was still crying and she asked me what I did that for. I said I don't know and just got increasingly upset. She isn't British and has a heavy accent at times so I struggled to understand her but I eventually said something like "I don't know I guess I'm just jealous cause you're beautiful and have him and I don't" and then I muttered under my breath "I hate you". She quickly replied to that with "Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with" or something like that and walked away. By this time he must of told his parents and his parents must have suggested to my parents we leave so my mum came and got me and said let's go.
When we got home my mum went mad asking if I've lost my mind or if I'm trying to sabotage her friendship and their relationship.

I got a can back to mine and I spoke to some friends, i genuinely believed that he was into me from the messages but other friends have now seen screenshots and all told me it was totally in my head and he was mentioning his girlfriend every few messages.

AIBU to just want to be swallowed whole by the earth, I'm so embarrassed and this is very out of character for me. I have a career and friends and a normal life I'm not crazy. How do I recover from this, my friends think I've lost my mind, my parents are clearly upset with me. What do I do?

OP posts:
abricotine · 27/01/2025 09:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ViciousCurrentBun · 27/01/2025 09:12

Seek some counselling, this is obviously a reaction to your break up.

Stop drinking, even if you don’t have a drinking problem you are too emotional to drink at the moment. it loosened your tongue. Alcohol has played a huge part in so many peoples mistakes for eternity.

Write him an apology message on instagram and then remove him and consider coming off SM for a while. It’s too easy for people to write stuff without realising the impact or having an idea in their head, which is what happened to you.

Write apology messages to his parents and your parents.

Do not consider dating until you have some peace with your situation, could take quite a few months.

He told his GF immediately because he is actually a decent bloke. Someone made a pass at DH once and he also told me immediately.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 09:12

Okay well the biggest and best moral of this story is to cut right back on your drinking. You would not have done this sober. Drink turns us into embarrassing idiots with poor judgement. Be more dignified.

BeLilacSloth · 27/01/2025 09:12

OP I presume you’re not going to see your ex and his girlfriend any time soon? Therefore I would just leave it to let it settle. However I would feel really guilty about potentially ruining your parents and his parents friendship and would work on apoligising to both sets of parents to try and resolve it.

DaniMontyRae · 27/01/2025 09:11

FindingGlimmers · 27/01/2025 09:04

Well you can’t really blame her for being angry. But what he did was cruel.

Show quote history

How was he cruel? He was subject to an unwanted sexual interaction and told his girlfriend, why shouldn't he have done so? None of this is his fault. If a woman had an ex try and kiss her while her new partner was in the next room, would you think her cruel if she told the new partner straight away?

MangoAndMelon · 27/01/2025 09:11

He wasn't a drama queen. He wanted to keep safe in case the unhinginess leads to some allegations.

Apologise as pp said in a letter

DaringLion · 27/01/2025 09:11

PinkFrogss · 27/01/2025 09:08

I also don’t think he’s been fair to you and wonder if he enjoyed the attention. Not to say he outright led you on but chatting in the pub to you for half an hour, keeping up a message conversation with you.

Many people would be unhappy about their partner behaving like that with an ex. I think it’s off behaviour on his part tbh

Blame him typical MN rubbish

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/01/2025 09:10

Cloes · 27/01/2025 09:01

I wish he had waited to tell her as I think I found this gorgeous girl having a go at me even more hurtful than the rejection. Especially the "I've never been hated by someone I'd want to swap positions with" like thank you I'm so glad my life is your worst nightmare 😕

Show quote history

OP he was absolutely right to tell his girlfriend immediately. His first loyalty is to her not you. It’s not surprising she said something sharp in the circumstances.
Remember you are beautiful enough for the same man to have wanted a relationship with you. You are two attractive women.

Original poster
Cloes · 27/01/2025 09:09

PinkFrogss · 27/01/2025 09:08

I also don’t think he’s been fair to you and wonder if he enjoyed the attention. Not to say he outright led you on but chatting in the pub to you for half an hour, keeping up a message conversation with you.

Many people would be unhappy about their partner behaving like that with an ex. I think it’s off behaviour on his part tbh

I did say "if you're not interested why do you message me back" and he said something like I thought we were being friends and acting like adults, we were friends for 20 years before dating and you'd think 5 years and a kid later you'd be ready to be friends without thinking I like you like that because I don't. After he said that was when he went and told his girlfriend.

OP posts:
evtheria · 27/01/2025 09:09

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/01/2025 08:21

You apologise profusely to everyone concerned, get some counselling and stop drinking.

Yeah... Agreed... You know you've been silly, you really need to give a genuine apology and then focus solely on helping yourself as an individual.

DaringLion · 27/01/2025 09:09

Cloes · 27/01/2025 09:01

I wish he had waited to tell her as I think I found this gorgeous girl having a go at me even more hurtful than the rejection. Especially the "I've never been hated by someone I'd want to swap positions with" like thank you I'm so glad my life is your worst nightmare 😕

Show quote history

Come on how did you expect them to react.

harriethoyle · 27/01/2025 09:08

I think his gf was very restrained actually. You got off lightly!

dm him on instagram apologising, unfollow him and cut back on the booze. I suspect this wouldn’t have happened if you’d been sober…

PinkFrogss · 27/01/2025 09:08

I also don’t think he’s been fair to you and wonder if he enjoyed the attention. Not to say he outright led you on but chatting in the pub to you for half an hour, keeping up a message conversation with you.

Many people would be unhappy about their partner behaving like that with an ex. I think it’s off behaviour on his part tbh

Original poster
Cloes · 27/01/2025 09:07

RitaFromTheRanch · 27/01/2025 09:05

I don't really understand what she meant tbh.

But I would send him an apology and then unfollow him.

I think she meant that she doesn't care if I hate her as she wouldn't want to be me/my friend anyway.

OP posts:
TriangleLight · 27/01/2025 09:07

Oh, @Cloes lots of us have been there with the drunk disaster. You’re not alone!

I’d drop a text/dm today apologising. No cards or letters, just get this done today. Apologise to your folks and ask them to pass on to their friends.

Delete his contact details and block so you can’t be tempted.

Have a nice cup of tea.

oh! I’m also listening to The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and finding it helpful, maybe worth a whirl

AnonymousBleep · 27/01/2025 09:07

Also - don't read anything into what the girlfriend said or over analyse that too much. It sounds like you're taking a glimmer of hope from that that your ex still fancies you. Don't do that to yourself.

Exasperated24 · 27/01/2025 09:06

Fencehedge · 27/01/2025 08:48

Do you not see him when he collects your child? Does he pay good maintenance?

I'd blame the drink but you need to lift your head up and carry on. His girlfriend knows about his child, yes?

You act like everyone has forgotten the baby?

Edited

Jesus Christ it’s not his baby.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 27/01/2025 09:06

LunaNorth · 27/01/2025 08:23

Apologise to everyone, by letter if you can’t face them in person.

Proper pen and paper, or a card. Not text.

No excuses, either. “I’m very sorry for my terrible behaviour the other night, it was very out of character and I’m taking steps to ensure nothing like that ever happens again,” should cover it.

Then take the steps. Stopping drinking alcohol would be a good start.

I don't think that would be recieved well. If my partner's ex kissed him, I wouldn't want a letter from her. I'd want her to quietly fuck off

Redrosesposies · 27/01/2025 09:06

Give yourself a break @Cloes it's not unusual to misread messages especially when you are feeling down on yourself.
A brief apology to your ex and his girlfriend for your behaviour is fine in these circumstances. No need to go in to any great detail, just say you were feeling emotional, had too much to drink and behaved inappropriately.
Also apologise to your parents and ask them to pass it on to his parents if you are not in direct contact.
Take some time to love yourself a bit. The mortifying embarrassment will ease with a bit of time.

AnonymousBleep · 27/01/2025 09:06

What the first poster said. Just send him a message saying you're sorry, don't know what came over you, you were drunk and have been having a hard time and it won't happen again. Then unfollow him on everything and do not contact him again.

All things shall pass. We all make mistakes. Nothing bad happened. It'll be forgotten.

Ignore the posters who slam you for drinking, there are always people on these threads who revel in kicking posters when they're down.

RitaFromTheRanch · 27/01/2025 09:05

I don't really understand what she meant tbh.

But I would send him an apology and then unfollow him.

PinkFrogss · 27/01/2025 09:05

Oh OP that sounds terrible.

I would send a message apologising and then unfollow him, I think there’s a way you can force his account to stop following yours as well.

Then the best thing to do is just avoid avoid avoid, it’ll soon become a distant memory.

Your post at 09:00 was really sad to read, like you think there’s nothing about you that would make someone interested. You must have lots of great qualities to have friendships etc, I hope it’s just the embarrassment talking Flowers

Cluedoless · 27/01/2025 09:04

Op massive hugs. Yes, you made a fool of yourself but it's like we tell kids: you behaved foolishly but you are not a fool. And you haven't done anything to cause anyone serious injury or hurt. It's just one awkward evening.

Your post shows how contrite you are and it's obvious you realise where you went wrong. Like others have said, send a sincere (but brief) apology to everyone, unfollow him on everything, never try to make contact again and move on. I wouldn't send a handwritten letter or card to him by the way. It sounds too intense and as if you are still trying to get into his good books. I think an online message or a text or something will do. Make sure you also tell him to apologise to his girlfriend on your behalf. And make sure you don't ask for anything in your message (so no "hope we can still be friends" or similar). Just a brief acknowledgement that you behaved badly and you are sorry about that and it won't happen again.

You could send his parents a card though if you think they might prefer that.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You sound lovely and it sounds like you've got good and honest friends too.

FindingGlimmers · 27/01/2025 09:04

Cloes · 27/01/2025 09:01

I wish he had waited to tell her as I think I found this gorgeous girl having a go at me even more hurtful than the rejection. Especially the "I've never been hated by someone I'd want to swap positions with" like thank you I'm so glad my life is your worst nightmare 😕

Show quote history

Well you can’t really blame her for being angry. But what he did was cruel.

Gr8white · 27/01/2025 09:03

Cloes · 27/01/2025 08:17

So I'm 30 now, I have a 2 year old DC, my partner left me for another woman 8 months ago and I haven't been myself since. Before my partner I had a long term relationship, he left me as he felt our lifestyles didn't match. We broke up when I was 25 and he was 24 after being together for 4.5 years.

Soon after the break up he moved abroad. Anyway this Christmas I went with my family for a post dinner drink at the pub and he happened to be there, with his girlfriend and his family. We chatted for like 30 minutes, nothing over the top just about life, he introduced me to his girlfriend.
After I left I was so confused, I felt like the spark was still there but equally I was worried I was misinterpreting the situation. So I found his instagram and sent a follow request, he accepted and I messaged saying how nice it was to see him. We continued messaging, honestly upon reflection his replies were very dry but I wasn't reading it like that. He did mention his girlfriend a lot but for some reason I still decided to try and flirt.

Skip ahead, yesterday I was visiting my parents and they told me they were going out with his parents for dinner. This is normal my parents and his parents were friends long before we were born and have maintained the friendship. My mum decided to ask if it would be okay if I joined them, they said yes. When I arrived I realised that my ex and his girlfriend were also there. I found the meal really difficult, seeing him all loved up with her made me feel sick and I just didn't know how to act, I must have seemed so off.

We then went back to his from some after dinner wine, I was pretty drunk by this point and he went to get another bottle from the kitchen, I decided to follow him, I don't know why or what I was expecting. I then took it upon myself to try and kiss him, he immediately pushed me back and asked me wtf I was doing and if I had lost my mind. I started sobbing in the kitchen and he went and immediately told his girlfriend.
Next thing she came through and I was still crying and she asked me what I did that for. I said I don't know and just got increasingly upset. She isn't British and has a heavy accent at times so I struggled to understand her but I eventually said something like "I don't know I guess I'm just jealous cause you're beautiful and have him and I don't" and then I muttered under my breath "I hate you". She quickly replied to that with "Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with" or something like that and walked away. By this time he must of told his parents and his parents must have suggested to my parents we leave so my mum came and got me and said let's go.
When we got home my mum went mad asking if I've lost my mind or if I'm trying to sabotage her friendship and their relationship.

I got a can back to mine and I spoke to some friends, i genuinely believed that he was into me from the messages but other friends have now seen screenshots and all told me it was totally in my head and he was mentioning his girlfriend every few messages.

AIBU to just want to be swallowed whole by the earth, I'm so embarrassed and this is very out of character for me. I have a career and friends and a normal life I'm not crazy. How do I recover from this, my friends think I've lost my mind, my parents are clearly upset with me. What do I do?

I'm really feeling for you right now. I know you feel its been disastrous, but I'm sure if you send a brief apology and explanation to everyone, you'll be forgiven for getting a bit drunk and maudlin! It happens.
Things will be alright, I am sure of it.
x