To now resent DDs behaviour

Your daughter and her boyfriend will never move out if you continue to enable the pair of them to live for free. They're close to 30 both work they should be contributing financially to their living costs. Just because you can afford to not charge them rent doesn't mean you shouldn't. You're enabling them to live like teenagers and it's doing them no favours. Where are the boyfriends parents do they condone him freeloading off of his girlfriend's parents?the pair of them need to grow up and learn some respect. You're providing them with a home and they should be grateful and contribute. They must have loads saved unless they're wasting their earnings because they don't feel the need to actually save them for anything due to you and your husband providing for them. They're not babies don't treat them as such

I didn’t leave home until I was 29 due to being in a bad relationship I couldn’t get out of but he didn’t live with me at home (don’t ask). I’ll be honest, I didn’t pull my weight as I was working or at uni or on placement and I had two horses, well, that was my excuse. I did my own washing and cooking etc but I didn’t do enough.

Once I moved out is when I started taking care of my home properly and now I’m a SAHM and I love doing it. It sounds like your daughter is stuck in that awkward adult still living at home situation where you’re still the ‘child’ but you’re obviously not a child.

The only real solution is experiencing what it’s like to properly live alone, not in shared student accommodation, your own place.

Just start with "I've got to do such and such today so could one of you do this (hoovering or empty dishwasher or both!) and one of you grab these on your way home" and build up from that. Start running out of 'essentials' that they use in their en-suite (loo roll, toiletries, foods they eat etc) so they'll buy it themselves. If that doesn't work then time to have a talk.

Your dd has no incentive to move out. You need to start charging her rent and bills or she’ll still be with you in her 30s. She’s acting like a child because you’re allowing her to do so.

Why should they not be compared? Why are her feelings so much more important than everyone else's?

This was my life many years ago. My dad passed away (I was aged 25) and in uni and working, and my younger brother (aged 23) worked away for a few days at a time and lived at home to save up for his own place.

I as the older child was mature and helped 'run' the household, contributed money, did chores, walked dogs, everything you should do as an adult who is fortunate to stay in their family home and all that jazz.

My younger brother paid the same amout towards room and board as me (despite being on over triple my wages) and never lifted a finger. This was because in my mother's eyes he was the 'baby' and she 'babied' him and he lapped it up!
He moved out and eventually learnt how to do everything himself and grew up, she missed him, but the workload was a lot less.

But the day I moved out? Well my mother cried and said well who will walk the dogs and drive me everywhere? She was gutted, haha. If you baby your adult children, then this is good for no one.

I remember reading a saying which turned out to be true for some families that i know.
If you raise your kids, then you can spoil your grandchildren. But, if you spoil your kids, then you will then raise your grandchildren.

It's not comparing the two ... It's that you have to have a plan and firstly you and DH need to be a team agreed on that plan!

Not helping DD and chap to work towards independence at the moment so my 2p would be

• Tell them New Year, New Rules
• Token rent to be paid (either together or separately) and up to you whether you pop this into savings towards their first month rent in their own place or use it to go out for private supper with DH)
• All adults are expected to share chores - cleaning their room and en-suite is not a chore but cleaning the kitchen is
• Perhaps explain your love and support is not time limited but you job is to help them be independent adults ... And part of that is running a household (are they aware of household expenses Inc insurances, water rates, TV licence, council tax, running costs) And give yourself a break, how reassuring that both DC and their partners wanted to come home!

I'd just kick the boyfriend out. We may be obliged to house our own children in the housing crisis, but I am not running a hotel for other people's children.

Are your DD and her boyfriend saving for a deposit while they're living with you rent-free or do they seem to be spending what they earn? Alternatively, is your DD using her cheap living status as an opportunity to pay off her student loan?
On the face of it, it sounds like they have a rather cushy life with no financial responsibilities and no expectations to help out either, so I'm not surprised that they're disinclined to move out.
It's highly likely that they will resent being asked to contribute financially, especially as they see you as being well off enough to cover it - but at the very least, you probably want to start laying some ground rules about them covering chores, buying shopping sometimes etc, especially as you have different expectations following you're DS's recent stay.

Your daughter and her bf sound quite immature and lazy. She is behaving like this because you let her and she’s never had to grow up properly like your son had to. I can’t understand why her bf is also like this. I can’t fathom staying with other people and not doing the dishwasher.
The only person who can change their behaviour is you. There is no need for them to change as it’s always easier being lazy and dependant. Your husband would rather still treat them like children. But it’s bothering you, and rightly so. I would advice you to use the the experience of having ds home to have a conversation with dd and bf. Be honest, tell them it’s opened your eyes to how immature their behaviour is (I would use the word immature because that is what it is). Tell them you love them but they’re adults and you want them to behave like adults living in a family, not a bedsit (and spell out which behaviour you expect and which behaviour has to stop). I’d also ask them about their plans as they can’t stay with you forever. My guess (based on what you write) is that they’re not doing any serious saving to move out (because why would they move out?). So insist they put x amount of their salaries into saving for a house. (I would say 3/4 their salary at least as they don’t have any costs do they?). Yes they might be narky and say you favour your son etc, but tbh if they start whining they’re just showing immaturity because any mature person can see they’re taking the piss with their behaviour at their age. Remember they don’t have to live with you. If they are both working they are earning money and they can always find somewhere else to live. Remember that you will be doing them a massive favour by tackling this behaviour right now. Treat them the same way you would have treated them as children when they had behaviour you wanted them to change. They’re in adult bodies but not yet displaying mature adult behaviour so you need to help them do that. Don’t wait because now you’ve noticed it, it will only keep annoying you.

There are lots of small changes and habits to break. But if your daughter doesn’t get a kick up the ass to qualify, they’ll still be living with you when she’s 30.
You need to start setting expectations. If she’s not studying, she can move out and they can learn to live within their means. If that’s Zone 6 in a house share, so be it. If there’s a year or two to finish and you see some adult contributions to the running of the household from them both, then she needs to crack on so she can achieve more and they can afford to live, start a family, put down roots.
The boyfriend is presumably getting a very good deal out of this - he’s an adult and his 30’s are coming fast. Time to have a reality check - they should be saving most of their salaries if they are not paying rent. They will never get this opportunity again

YANBU
My adult DD are both at home 22 and 20. Both have moved out and come home.
whilst they were living out, they would tell me about what they had cooked for themselves. I would visit and their rooms would be tidy and in an ordinary fashion.
Since they have both returned home not once have they offered to cook a meal for us or hoovered. Their rooms are covered full of make up wipes and untidy. I feel like a nag!

Buying milk isn't a life skill 🙄as soon as she moves out she'll do the things she doesn't do at home because no else else will be. Hovering, loading the dish washer and buying food are not skills you have to be learning all your life to be able to do. She will be absolutely fine when she moves out.

If you want her to start paying rent then ask her, if you want her to do more to help then ask her, if you want to know what her plans are for moving out then ask her. You can't resent something you've done nothing to try to change, she's just continuing to live as she always has at home. Your son is a completely kettle of fish having lived away for several years.

You're resenting the wrong person here. You and your DH need to look at yourselves. The reason your daughter is like this is because you have enabled it. Teaching children to be respectful, self-reliant, and independent is the parents' responsibility. They don't just wake up at 18 and know how to be adults. Your son has been out on his own for over 10 years and thank goodness hasn't recruited some daft woman to run around after him instead. Your son isn't a better person, he just wasn't treated like a child well into his 20s.

Moving from a parent/child relationship to an adult/adult one is not always straight-forward. I have found myself very happy to be 'mum who does everything' for students home for holidays and have also slipped into doing this for son who is now living at home post-uni, though he does help out a bit.

When my daughter moves back in next summer, I have already told the kids I plan a reset. The expectation will be taking care of their own things, cleaning their rooms and bathroom, and cooking once a week including shopping for ingredients. In addition, helping out with dog walking/care, dishwasher, laundry and clearing up after meals is expected too.

I would approach ths with your daughter as saying you have really appreciated how much DS and GF have done around the home and believe it is a better way forward with adults living together. Therefore, you would like to ask them to start to do x, y and z. And make sure you stick with it!

Why would she be in a rush? You have create her a nice life and ask nothing of her...

Time to sort things and treat her as a grown up.

I'm 10 years older than your daughter.
I have had a mortgage for 12 years, been qualified as a nurse since I was 21, married at 25.

I have been saving since I started working at 16 and apart from my parents giving me £1500 towards my car at 19 we have paid for it all ourselves. My husband has worked since he was 13 starting with a paper round.

Your 'children' are adults. At 23 me and my husband (then boyfriend) were desperate to have our own space.

My cousin is 22, only worked 1 summer at a shoe shop and finished her 4 year degree in May 2024 and still not working and was shocked when I told her how old we were when we got our mortgage.
I was lucky to remain at home until I just turned 24 (I paid board) to enable us to save.

Yes London is expensive, but she should have lots of savings as she has in bill or outgoings!!

I really don't understand why parents have to live with their children's partners simply because of CoL. I would hate it so much!

I would have to put on a bra and pretend I enjoyed their company. In menopause I often want to live alone. Can't imagine having to live with a menage.

She's only lived elsewhere when she was at uni, it's really easy to revert to your parent and child roles in that situation and is really common, she probably doesn't even realise she's doing it and her boyfriend is just following her lead. Your son has lived independently as an adult for several years, if he didn't buy the needed food there wouldn't be anything to eat.

Personally, I would tackle this while the son is living there as he's already doing it, make it a 'oh with so many people living here I realised we need to make sure house jobs get done and only get done once!' and make a list of jobs and ask who wants to do which ones. Then when he and his gf move out you'll have to divvy up the jobs they were doing. Say you think everyone should cook once a week and takeaway one night, if the couples want to team up and cook together two nights that works too.

My kids are younger adults so I'm definitely taking this thread as a cautionary warning.

I think you should just be honest with your daughter, have a chat with her about what you've noticed in terms of contribution to the household. Explain that maybe you and her never really moved on from a parent and child dynamic but you'd like to now. Doesn't have to be about blame. I wouldn't mention the resentment or go on about how great your son has been. Just lay out how you'd like things to be in the future.

Sounds like your son had to learn how to grow up when he left whereas your daughter never did and so she's stuck in this teenage state. I would definitely assert some expectations for the house, chipping in for groceries, helping with meals, cleaning communal areas etc but maybe wait a few weeks so it doesn't seem so obvious that you're comparing the two

You are treating them like babies but expecting them to act like adults. DS is independent through travelling and living away, so he had to grow up but DD didn't. For example, working adults should be contributing financially - the fact that you can afford for them not to, is irrelevant. It isn't about you. Everyone should help out with household chores, even if you are a SAHM and have time to do it all, again its about them not you. Time for an adult conversation with your children. Set an amount that they both need to contribute, and stick to it - I know that DS buys shopping sometimes, but even that sounds voluntary. You need to set rules in place for them both to follow.

I am also in London and my adult DC live with me, completely rent free. One working but on low wage and one studying.

I said on another thread that I won't allow partners to live with me and I was told I was " not fun". I don't want to be fun!

Your DD and her BF are lazy freeloaders. My DS is 22 and has moved back after uni to save money for travelling, and he’s more mature than your DD. He helps round the house, sometimes cooks for us, sits and converses with us in the evening, and he’s working whilst we’re not! Time for your DD and BF to grow up and pull their weight.

She needs to pull her weight or she'll move in somewhere and have no life skills.