To now resent DDs behaviour

Your ds is older but your dd sounds a bit like she’s failed to launch into adulthoood. What are dd and her bf plans? Do they have any? Rent IS expensive but learning to run their own household is important.

YANBU
It's simply taken your DS being home to wake up to the fact your DD and her boyfriend are lazy freeloaders!
We had an identical situation.. DS was still at home and moved his girlfriend in, then DD2 came home and her boyfriend moved in while they saved for a deposit for a house.
The difference was..they ALL pitched in. Someone would pick up shopping list items, or run the hoover round, clean the bathrooms. DS's girlfriend and DD's boyfriend both enjoyed cooking so would often offer to cook.

If they are adults and working (or even not working) the need to pitch in... physically and financially even io it's just getting some shopping in! Time to sit down with DD and her boyfriend and tell them it's time to pitch in or look for their own place!

(Mine are all gone to their own places now...I miss them as I loved our busy home :) )

Your DH is unreasonable. Your DD and her bf are lazy freeloaders. Your DS and gf are mature adults.

Time for your DD to contribute or get out.

20 y/o was given that choice while saving for her own place, she contributes why can't your 26 yo?

I guess because your DS has left home he has seen the realities of life and is much more independent and grown up. I imaging travelling and interacting with other people would have helped ensure basic manners, offering to cook for others if sharing accommodation, buying shares items for the kitchen. I expect he also appreciates the free accomodation a lot more hence being more generous. As DD has stayed mostly at home she hasn't transitioned from child to adult and sees you as the adult and responsible for her. She has unfortunately been spoilt by not being encouraged to take responsibilities in the home such as getting the shopping.
I imagine if you try and change things now it will cause upset, she will say brother is the favourite and so it depends if you want to deal with this.

What are the long term plans with both children? If both are staying a while maybe it would be a good time to introduce some rules and expectations.

Surely running a household with SIX adults in it should be a breeze?

I agree, OP, your daughter sounds spoiled and her boyfriend sounds like a useless freeloader (imagine living in somebody else's house for free and not even thinking to unload the bloody dishwasher, FFS).

It's a failing on your part that it's come to this, although your son and his girlfriend sound like decent people, but it's time for a fairly serious 'come to Jesus' chat with the pair of them and now is as good a time as any.

If they don't like it, then by all means let them move out and experience a wee bit of real life in the jungle that is the London house share market.

They're not 'children', they're a kick in the arse off 30.

I couldn’t even read the full post OP.

I lost interest when it said one of your DC is 26 😳 the other 29 😳😳

I moved out at 19 due to mother being an alcoholic and dad being abusive - couldn’t take it anymore and no childhood stability. Estranged from father and mother died when I was a lot younger than your youngest!

I couldn't afford live on my own so moved in with a friend and we made it work. I had to do jobs I hated to pay the rent, stay with boyfriends that weren’t ideal (lovely guys but I didn’t really fancy them) work my way up in a job that wasn’t my ideal, but again, you’ve got to make the most of your situation.

My point is, imo your children (adults!) are very fortunate to have such a helpful mother and instead of thanking their lucky stars at how fortunate they are to have you and your hospitality, they are taking the piss and liberties!

More fool you if you let them OP. Tell them to grow up and thank their lucky stars they have the luxury of you!!

I have a friend who had secure parents who were able to offer financial help and buy my friend a house and let her live with them when her ‘relationships’ broke down and then she got pregnant- all good? Not really because they enabled my friend to make catastrophic mistakes as they were always there! And she did made catastrophic mistakes and now lives with those choices every day.

Her child is estranged from her and her own child. He grandchild is estranged from my friend (their grandma) and their mother and now there is new baby in the mix - what a catastrophic mess. We believe this happened because our friend never had to take responsibility for her actions and get in with it!!!

I am shocked at people letting adult children live at home with their partners. My parents would never have allowed this and I wouldn't have dreamt of asking. It's just so alien to me.
I also live in London and two working adults can absolutely afford to rent a one bedroom flat.
You are allowing them to be lazy users. Start charging rent and setting some expectations.

Absolutely spot on! 👏

What happened to teaching your children how to be functioning family members?

They didn't go from children to adults, what happened to their teenage years? Did they never lift a finger at all? 2 adults living with you rent free and they've never cooked you a meal? Never bought milk, never emptied the dishwasher or ran the hoover round? I'd expect these things from a 15yo as a basic part of a family life.

Your DD sounds pretty awful tbh.

I might start a conversation with her about what her expectations would be of a house share. Get her to tell you that her lack of contribution is unacceptable and then have a laugh with her and make sure she sees that she has to make a change.

I think give it a few weeks after ds moves out before you tackle it so she doesn't feel like she's being compared. But absolutely you should tackle it.

Remember though she is that way because you have facilitated it while your ds is that way because he's been independent. It's just the next step, she not nasty probably just hasn't realised how easy she's got it

I think everyone needs to contribute whether you can afford it or not. It’s not about money but being a decent member of any household.

The adult kids should be buying food and cleaning as an absolute minimum.

I think you’re treating like kids with no responsibility so they are acting like it.

It sounds like your adult kids are two very different people with different experiences and lifestyles. I understand it’s difficult for young people to fly the nest financially these days, but we’ve already told almost adult DD that while there will always be a home for her here, we will not be agreeing to her bf moving in with us in future. I just know that their habits will wind me up to no end and there would be conflict as a result. Part of the problem here is that you’ve already agreed they can live with you.

Your expectations of her are that she doesn't wake up the household late at night and keeps her room tidy. My parents expected more of me aged 6! Whilst I agree with others here, you are the ones who created this lazy freeloader. You have no expectations that she acts like an adult, no expectations that she should contribute time and money and effort into the household, nor behave like a grown up. It's lovely that you can "afford" not to, but it is that very thing that has caused this situation. Jeez, I'd come and live with you too if I could expect rent-free accommodation with servants on hand!

She probably isn't going to like it very much, but the best thing you can do for her is to set expectations whilst at home, charge rent, and set a deadline for her to be moving out into her own place. She will never grow up, and never have any aspirations, whilst all her needs are met by her parents.

Is it your DS doing a lot of these things eg picking up the shopping, hoovering etc or is it actually his girlfriend?

Regardless all adults should be pitching in, I would be using DS moving out as a reset moment. Get a takeaway and sit down and have a chat, tell them what you expect and start charging rent,

In the nicest possible way Im afraid this is your own doing. Your son has moved out and learnt to do all these things away from you. However, as your daughter has stayed with you, you’ve done everything for her and not forced/encouraged her to be a productive member of the household. It’s time you start making them participate in the running of the house for their own good.

Your daughter hasn't stopped being a teenager. Your son has lived independently grown up. Buying milk is normal to him because if he didn't buy milk, there was no milk. Your daughter has always had milk in the fridge without having to buy it.

You need to help your daughter grow up. At her age, I had run a company, bought a house, married, had a child, left an abusive man and restarted my life renting a flat. Your daughter has kinda lost nearly 10 years of her life.

This age is so wierd, I remember seeing an old school friend, who had actually seemed more mature when we left school. She felt so much younger than me, it was like talking to a teenager, complaining that her mum was on her about tidying her room, I was running a whole house and she's complaining about chores. Bonkers.

She needs to grow up, and you're holding her back by making it too comfortable. Give her a deadline for moving out. You live in an expensive area becuase you worked all your lives to achieve that but you're treating that like her starting point. She'll have to live somewhere cheaper and earn her way up.

Yes agree with the 'reset' when your DS moves out. It sounds too comfortable for your DD if she's not in a hurry to do her exams and move on professionally even though she has literally no other obligations to meet in life. And it is kinder to her to raise your expectations, or how will she ever change and be ready to look after her own house? The boyfriend likewise. I assume his parents weren't willing to offer the soft landing that you have.

She needs to pull her weight or she'll move in somewhere and have no life skills.

Your DD and her BF are lazy freeloaders. My DS is 22 and has moved back after uni to save money for travelling, and he’s more mature than your DD. He helps round the house, sometimes cooks for us, sits and converses with us in the evening, and he’s working whilst we’re not! Time for your DD and BF to grow up and pull their weight.

I am also in London and my adult DC live with me, completely rent free. One working but on low wage and one studying.

I said on another thread that I won't allow partners to live with me and I was told I was " not fun". I don't want to be fun!

You are treating them like babies but expecting them to act like adults. DS is independent through travelling and living away, so he had to grow up but DD didn't. For example, working adults should be contributing financially - the fact that you can afford for them not to, is irrelevant. It isn't about you. Everyone should help out with household chores, even if you are a SAHM and have time to do it all, again its about them not you. Time for an adult conversation with your children. Set an amount that they both need to contribute, and stick to it - I know that DS buys shopping sometimes, but even that sounds voluntary. You need to set rules in place for them both to follow.