To not know what to do about DS anxiety and school refusal

Hi OP, obviously you need short term help but may I suggest that as your eldest is ND and struggles that you need to make a parental request for EHCP for the youngest asap - that way you'd potentially have more school options at 11, which it sounds like you're going to need. As you will be well aware, primary to secondary transition is a real flash point with kids like yours.

EHCP support thread no. 4 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5197351-ehcp-support-thread-no-4

We used a book called What to do when you worry too much (from Amazon) but it was well beyond that and play therapy was the most useful thing at that age. We found a play therapist using the Owl Centre online.

Realistically you may not both be able to carry on working so do what you can to plan for that.

Have you tried transitional objects? This is where your son would have something of yours to hold on to during the day that he gives you back after the school day. You can also spray your perfume on things.

This was a huge help for my daughter when she was little and anxious about leaving us.

Would be interesting to know the actual percentage of children who struggle to attend school who are ND.

Either way I hope having a low pressure day helps OP, I do find it helps take away some of that anxiety/stress.

My daughter used to be able to give me a quick msg but school stopped this and they didn't want her to get in to the habit... it's a tricky one to handle tbh.

Having a very explosive older sibling can be extremely traumatic. It certainly was for me.

No you are right - a number strongly suggested it. The response which was on the thread was more to the person who said that all of the suggestions that the kid was ND were wrong.

@Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue absolutely nobody said the child was definitely ND just that it is quite common for school avoiders to be ND and not to rule out the possibility especially given the situation with the child's older sibling.

Not one person came on said yeah he is definitely ND.

So before we want to automatically jump down this thread or pre diagnose a kid we don’t know - you both have a point.

And just to start I do know a lot about neurodiversity ….

Every kid feeling anxious isn’t neurodiverse. There are way too many times if a kid isn’t acting perfectly normal (whatever that is) that they must be ND. But that isn’t true or as the original poster said half the population would be ND. I also think it negates truly ND kids and their real struggles be some kids who just find things difficult or may be going through a hard time.

It’s sorta like no you don’t have a migraine, you have a headache. They both suck and hurt but one is a clinically diagnosed debilitating condition and the other is a painful occasional occurrence.

But, it is always worth getting it checked if it runs in the family and the child is exhibiting ND traits.

It’s also ‘normal’ for kids to have fears and not be ND. It’s also ‘normal’ for kids to appear ‘fine’ as they are masking until they aren’t .

That’s a good shout. Or ask the school if he is allowed to text you when he is feeling anxious just to get a response from you and make sure everything is okay?

On a secondary note related to the above would life360 work? He could then ‘track’ you and your husband to see you have reached places safely and are where you are supposed to be? I know its a lot but would maybe help a little?

Im not sure what a GP could do except medicate so unless you want to go down that road coping strategies may be the way forward?

I was also wondering OCD, have a look at Pure O or OCD obsessive thoughts and see if any of that chimes - what you said about his appearance struck a chord with me on this. A friend did manage to get help for her daughter on the NHS for this, a form of play therapy, which really helped. She also felt like she had a breakthrough when she took her daughter out solo for the day (i think it was near the start of a half term) had a lovely day together then near the end of the day managed to gently (organically) start a conversation about what her daughter was worrying about, while she was relaxed from a lovely day of bonding with her mum. She got a few more details of the worries out of her etc and told her daughter that she worries sometimes too etc and had a good chat about school to make sure there wasn't anything underlying, and things did seem to improve (not overnight) from then on - apologies if you've already tried this method 1000 times already.
How is he with transitions generally, as i know it's a sign of ND but I know a lot of people with anxiety who struggle with transitions, even ones they do every day - maybe it's worth looking at tactics around that too.

We had success using this journal in a similar situation -
https://happyselfjournal.com/products/happyself-junior

Good luck OP, I know how draining it is.

I know a lot more about neurodivergence than you think, as I have a lived, neverending experience of it. I won't go into details here though.

What I was trying to say (maybe too flippantly) was that everybody and his dog keeps junping in on every thread about their child having any sort of difficulty in life, or difference, with the refrain, they must be neurodivergent.

Soon, the term will be meaningless, which gives a great disservice to those whose lives are very seriously affected by it so they have no friends, no partner, can't live by themselves, vulnerable to exploitation. To those of us who worry every day about who will look after our adult child when we pass.

Then hopefully society will begin to change to be more suitable.

When the school say he's fine when he's there...how would they really know... would he feel safe telling them he's not fine.

Me too! It's how mine was at the age of 9/10.

Read Leibowitz overcoming childhood anxiety and OCD. It will help you to help him not let this take hold.

I pulled both of my kids out of school when they were like this. Sent them to a new school.

Siblings of kids with autism are 50% more likely to have it.

You did read that the sibling is neurodivergent, right? You do know that neurdivergence is highly heritable, right? You do know that anxiety and school refusal is highly indicative of neurodivergence, right? You do know that neurodivergence IS normal for a significant percentage of the population?

Do you know anything at all about neurodivergence? No, thought not.

Did that stop you sharing your opinion? No, why should it? Everyone's entitled to an opinion.

Is everyone's opinion valid, or worth sharing? No

Will that stop some people? No

We're all special in our own way, so don't worry about that, ohthisismynewname

Good luck for tomorrow - let us know how it goes.

It sounds as though he is happy once he gets there. Take comfort and strength from that, when you are trying to drag him in in the morning! Think about how he would miss out on all the positive experiences. You have to be cruel or a t least firm, to be kind

Look up the benefits of Omega 3 fatty acids for kids with ADHD and anxiety, it apparently does work after a while if you take it, get the best you can afford

I’m an adult with anxiety ( have always had it) and take it and I also take 2-3 desert spoons of olive oil in my smoothie every day and also find that this helps

I have tried medication before and didn’t find it any good

Hope they help but at least they can’t do any harm as they are good for so many things anyway

What happens if he stays home?
Does he get your attention, does he get screens?

OCD largely affects people from affluent families, so it's likely money isn't a limiting factor for this.

If one child in a family is ND it's highly likely had others are. Every parent of ND children will tell you stories of school refusal at some point. I have a very bright high performing but ND child. High school. Can go weeks with no issues then something results in flat refusal. Might be a 1/2 day. Might be a full day. At younger ages they'll say they sick. Older ages they just refuse to go