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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to know where 5k has gone?

131 replies

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 21:28

We promised DSS we'd help him buy his first car, so we'd agreed to match whatever we'd saved, which we were told was 5k
DSS mum got hold of this information and started being really demanding around the money, wanting to buy him a car for his birthday late last year (before he had even passed his test) DH and I wanted to wait until
He had passed.
Long story short, DH caved to emotional blackmail from DSS's mum and put the money into his bank account - without telling me (but that's a whole other story)
Fast forward to now, DSS has passed his test but there has been 0 sign of a car being purchased, he's been driving his mum's. Every time DH asks about it, has he seen anything, does he need help etc - he just doesn't answer or changes the subject.
DSS's mum has had money issues in the past and doesn't have a steady income so we are both slightly concerned that maybe the money has been diverted towards other things and he'll just use his mum's car in exchange. Which wasn't the agreement.
AIBU for wanting to know where the money has gone and what the intent is?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 18/01/2025 23:18

I'd say it's highly likely the lad has spent it on teenage crap like trainers, going out, takeaways, gaming stuff etc.
The money was his to spend as it went into his bank account. It won't be replaced and undoubtedly he'll be without a car and in the dog house with at least some of his family.
But if that's the case, it just has to be a lesson learned for all involved.

Threeboystwocatsandadog · 18/01/2025 23:18

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:01

Have you seen the driving test situation? It takes months to secure a test date. From 14th Nov until now is a very short space of time to secure a test date and if you read her thread from back then the DH had already sent the money for the car. It’s nothing to do with the OP if her finances haven’t contributed to the £5k, the ex wives finances are also nothing to do with her.

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Ds3 booked his driving test on 4th Jan for 12th Feb.

The money has been given to Dss. If he hasn’t spent it on a car then if he wants a car he will have to save for one. I would be most upset at your dh transferring the money without consulting you.

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:17

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:11

How can you be attracted to a man this weak?

You are questioning his attractiveness and calling him weak, do you also want the OP to think her husband is weak and unattractive? I’m pretty sure you do

Nasty

Show quote history

I asked you to quote me and not once have I said that on this thread or the other one, that’s not the terminology I use. Please quote the full comment. It's in a little box and you press “quote” underneath it. Also make sure sure my username is in the quote. Thank you.

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:17

@Calochortus
I contributed more to the gift than DH did. He has been learning since Nov 23, being taught by DH, me and his mum.
He then did 10 lessons with an instructor in Nov - booked his test on Dec and passed his test in January.

OP posts:
Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:11

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:08

Please quote me where I said that? I very much look forward to seeing your quote…

Edited
Show quote history

How can you be attracted to a man this weak?

You are questioning his attractiveness and calling him weak, do you also want the OP to think her husband is weak and unattractive? I’m pretty sure you do

Nasty

MsPavlichenko · 18/01/2025 23:11

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 21:28

We promised DSS we'd help him buy his first car, so we'd agreed to match whatever we'd saved, which we were told was 5k
DSS mum got hold of this information and started being really demanding around the money, wanting to buy him a car for his birthday late last year (before he had even passed his test) DH and I wanted to wait until
He had passed.
Long story short, DH caved to emotional blackmail from DSS's mum and put the money into his bank account - without telling me (but that's a whole other story)
Fast forward to now, DSS has passed his test but there has been 0 sign of a car being purchased, he's been driving his mum's. Every time DH asks about it, has he seen anything, does he need help etc - he just doesn't answer or changes the subject.
DSS's mum has had money issues in the past and doesn't have a steady income so we are both slightly concerned that maybe the money has been diverted towards other things and he'll just use his mum's car in exchange. Which wasn't the agreement.
AIBU for wanting to know where the money has gone and what the intent is?

Have you posted about this previously? Either way it’s a DH problem you have , he gave your DSS the money. Once that was done, barring a written agreement he can do what he wants with it. YANBU to want to know what’s going on but at the end of the day you probably won’t find out.

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:08

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:05

You are clearly the one with the agenda, calling her husband feeble and saying that he is unattractive, ( you want her to think the same) how is this helpful to the situation?

Show quote history

Please quote me where I said that? I very much look forward to seeing your quote…

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:08

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:02

I don't understand how she could do that as a parent (if she has) - she is directly taking something from her child that's not hers to take. I just couldn't!

You don’t know for sure what the ex has or hasn’t done though. You or your DH can’t control what DSS does with gift of money, that’s very controlling. You haven’t said if you contributed or not, if you haven’t and you’re financially secure then it’s up to him what he gifts to his son. You’ve already said on another thread that your DH was emotionally blackmailed into giving the money. You’ve also not answered how your DSS secured a test date so soon when he only started lessons in November? Driving tests are like hens teeth to get.

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:05

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:02

Absolutely not. However you appear to have your own agenda on this thread calling people trolls.

Show quote history

You are clearly the one with the agenda, calling her husband feeble and saying that he is unattractive, ( you want her to think the same) how is this helpful to the situation?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:04

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:01

Have you seen the driving test situation? It takes months to secure a test date. From 14th Nov until now is a very short space of time to secure a test date and if you read her thread from back then the DH had already sent the money for the car. It’s nothing to do with the OP if her finances haven’t contributed to the £5k, the ex wives finances are also nothing to do with her.

Show quote history

If you think she’s a troll then report it. Stop digging around and trying to call someone out over driving test dates 🙄

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:04

For the avoidance of doubt, I contributed more to saving than DH did.

OP posts:
Machachacha · 18/01/2025 23:03

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 22:55

It’s a valid question for goodness sake.

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Of course its a valid question.

People in healthy marriages do not give 5k to anyone without their partners knowing, not even their child.

He did it because he knows it was likely going to his ex.

If I was the OP I would feel a rightly disrespected mug.

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:02

I don't understand how she could do that as a parent (if she has) - she is directly taking something from her child that's not hers to take. I just couldn't!

OP posts:
Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:02

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 22:58

I suppose you will be telling her to LTB next

Show quote history

Absolutely not. However you appear to have your own agenda on this thread calling people trolls.

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:01

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 22:54

Well it looks like OPs instincts were right weren’t they. And it said he’d just started with an Instructer in November, he’d been learning to drive with his mum before that.

Show quote history

Have you seen the driving test situation? It takes months to secure a test date. From 14th Nov until now is a very short space of time to secure a test date and if you read her thread from back then the DH had already sent the money for the car. It’s nothing to do with the OP if her finances haven’t contributed to the £5k, the ex wives finances are also nothing to do with her.

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 22:58

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 22:55

It’s a valid question for goodness sake.

Show quote history

I suppose you will be telling her to LTB next

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 18/01/2025 22:56

Don't underatand pp saying it's up to dss what he spends the money on.

If you gave it to him to buy a car then that's what he should have done with it - not spent it on somethong else. Sounds like his mum has had it anyway.

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 22:55

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 22:38

Oh, stop being a ridiculous troll and go to bed

Show quote history

It’s a valid question for goodness sake.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 22:54

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 21:42

I knew I’d read a thread like this, you seem to have been against this car from the start OP. That’s very quick to pass a test as he’d only sorted lessons last November. Did he do an intensive driving course as tests are difficult to get at the moment.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5199900-aibu-to-not-see-the-sudden-rush-to-buy-dss-a-car

Edited

Well it looks like OPs instincts were right weren’t they. And it said he’d just started with an Instructer in November, he’d been learning to drive with his mum before that.

Machachacha · 18/01/2025 22:48

mrsm43s · 18/01/2025 21:58

It doesn't really matter, doesn't it?

You were going to give him £5k anyway, so you're not out of pocket as such. Your DSS has lost himself a car, his choice.

One day DSS will see the light, but until then there's nothing you can do.

Of course it matters.
Her dishonest husband knowingly handed over money he knew OP wouldn't agree to.

Its gone to his ex wife and OP is being made a fool of by her dishonest husband, funding his ex wife.

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 22:38

changecandles · 18/01/2025 21:55

how is your DH so feeble that he couldn't say no?

How can you be attracted to a man this weak?

Oh, stop being a ridiculous troll and go to bed

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 22:07

@mrsm43s
I know it doesn't matter really, but it's just sad. We've worked hard to be able to him and it's just gone and DSS won't directly benefit from it.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 18/01/2025 21:58

It doesn't really matter, doesn't it?

You were going to give him £5k anyway, so you're not out of pocket as such. Your DSS has lost himself a car, his choice.

One day DSS will see the light, but until then there's nothing you can do.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 18/01/2025 21:56

Quite honestly OP, if my DH had transferred that money without my consent, bearing in mind what you've already told us in the other thread, I would be telling him our relationship was done!! He obviously knew that your DSS hadn't saved that amount of money, and bowing to the B.S. from his ex, just to shut her up, rather than listening to his ACTUAL wife, would have me ready to quit. YOU obviously have more money than your DH has sense!

changecandles · 18/01/2025 21:55

how is your DH so feeble that he couldn't say no?

How can you be attracted to a man this weak?

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