Was I in the wrong to post this?

Struggling with infertility doesn't mean that everyone around you should be willing to make decisions on their family based on your preferences. Loads of people wouldn't go to a wedding without their 8mo baby, and usually babes in arms (especially immediate family) are excluded from the request for child free weddings. And human fear trumps dog separation anxiety. YABU

I find it really odd you criticise your sil for not wanting to leave her baby but you won’t leave your dog…

SIL was within her rights not to come to your wedding if her 8 month old was not welcome. This is a common theme with childfree weddings, we are within your rights to have one but then you can’t hold it over people if they can’t come due to childcare.

SIL responses on FB was rude and made them about herself. She should have just been supportive but if she doesn’t understand or can’t have sympathy for the the pain she will never will.

For meeting up, if you pop to the supermarket I assume you leave the dog for 30-60mins? You could do the same to meet the child. I have a bit of sympathy for your SIL here because if you really wanted to you could and I feel she’s probably a bit hurt. But it’s your choice, if it’s too much then maybe explaining this would help.

Absolutely this. You've expressed your meaning perfectly clearly and she's chosen to read something into it that isn't there. That's on her, not you. If she wants you to be careful about how she might misinterpret what you said, she should show you the same courtesy. I'd be pointing this out to her.

I feel you don’t put much effort into this relationship. Allowing a close family member not to bring a baby to the wedding is a bit off plus never meeting without your dog is too. You are prioritising your dog over your nephew and relationship with SIL.

As for venting on facebook, it’s massively oversharing and unless you are a teenager quite weird and inappropriate. Get a diary or a therapist or post here

I also wonder how the PIL feel about this post.

I agree with the she’s made it all about her but not really appropriate subject matter for a Facebook status stance

I’d just ignore her

I’ve reread and come back to this and the more I think about it, the more I think that you’re the person making everything about you I’m afraid OP. The wedding was about your preference (absolutely right, but then you can’t be upset that she didn’t come), they can’t come on days out with you because you won’t leave your dog behind, the words youbposted do imply that the grandparents don’t have grandkids even if that’s not what you meant and I think she is probably fed up of her kids being written out of the story.

This is going to sound harsh, but it’s true, you can’t control your fertility (presumably), so you have a choice now if either getting dragged down by that or taking control of the things that you can do something about and owning that. When we got married the vicar changed the words of some reading or other from something about the marriage being blessed with children to blessed with the love of children and even though I’m not religious, this captured something for me. I will never have biological kids but I have step kids, nieces, nephews, adopted kids, adopted kids siblings, I share more love with more kids than probably anyone else I know and Christmas at our house is bonkers because of that. At some point you can change your narrative from depressed and infertile to whatever you want it to be. You might need help with that but you’re not going to find that with Facebook posts or shutting people out of your life.

Well your parents do have grandchildren so it's a very odd thing to say. Your SIL was kind in her response.

This is about your issue and feelings and nothing whatsoever to do with your SiL.

You were completely in the right if you wanted to find and outlet for you to express them as such. She however doesn't have the right to insert herself into your issue and make it about her.

You say she is your SiL - is this because she married your brother or she is the wife of your BiL - if it were the first one, perhaps have a word with your brother about how upset she made you feel which further compounds how you are feeling and while she may have felt that your comment was disregarding their children, it actually wasn't about them at all and all about you. If it is the latter, and this woman is married to your DH's brother, get him to have a word with his brother.
In both of the instances above, you will notice that I haven't said talk to her. Due to her inserting herself into your issues, you probably no longer want to talk with her directly which again, is reasonable, which is why I suggested getting her husband to have a chat with her.

This is spot on! I read your post as you can’t give in-laws grandchildren too OP.
given the amount of pain you are in to have posted the Facebook post I think it’s wrong of SIL to have made this all about her and sent you a message which might make you feel worse OP. Could SIL not have acted with empathy and maybe thought ‘OP must be really upset to post this. She may have worded her post a bit clumsily but it’s obviously not about me or my kids’ and left it at that?
infertility is really hard OP, especially if you don’t have friends or family who understand the emotions you are going through. Maybe you might get more support or empathy from fertility networks with others going through it? Fertility network uk run groups and online drop ins which might help. X

I don't think FaceBook is a good place to vent about painful matters.
I think it's very odd that you expressed your pain in terms of not being able to provide grandchildren. Not because of the possibility of misinterpreting that as meaning they don't have any already, but because it is very publicly stating you feel some kind of need or pressure from the grandparents. You're suggesting THEY are making you feel bad.

Why wouldn't you express it as feeling sad that you are unable to have children, not that THEY are unable to have grandchildren?

Some PPs say you can put what you like on your FaceBook. That's true. But you can't control the reactions of other people, so if you were looking for support, empathy, understanding, connection, it's not the best place.
Now it seems it's more about disliking your SIL?

That would make the op look like a child, running to her husband to have a word with the sil or the brother.

They're adults, or you would hope they were.

your sil is wrong and unhelpful

It was obvious that your lost meant you were sad that YOU couldn't provide grandchildren and your sister in law is just being obtuse or is a thicko.

Saying that though, Facebook isn't really the place to offload in that way especially if you have Facebook friends that are more of acquaintances than close family.

Why do you think you can tell others how it reads to them?

Ah come on. You don't adore them
You banned her son from your wedding and you don't care that he's scared of your dog. So he's four, so what?

I think this is very good advice OP.

You are in a pit of infertility and all the pain and grief that comes with that. And on a human level that is 100% understandable. The choice you have is how you deal with it.

My mother gave me good advice years ago when I couldn’t get over a break-up. It was basically the people don’t have endless bandwidth for you. They have their own lives. And that might sound really harsh and horrible, and tbh I have friends suffering from infertility and I would talk to them all day if it would help, but things can be different in a family dynamic. A therapist once said to me we are to some degree all little kids fighting for mummy’s attention. Your SIL may feel pushed aside.

If you haven’t sought therapy already it might really help.

I think in your situation I’d be tempted to avoid kids but the post I quoted seems so much better even though it might hurt like hell at the start. I know people who sounds very much like the poster and their lives seem so joyful.

If you want a relationship with your SIL (that’s up to you obviously) leave the dog at home. Your SIL probably resents that she has to deal with a dog her child is afraid of in her parents house.

Your SIL is an idiot to be inserting herself into your pain like that. What a bitch. As if the existence of her children should be ant consideration as you struggle with these complex emotions..

Not that your feelings og guilt are objectively justified. You don't owe your parents or PILs grandchildren. But grief is complex and no one has a right to dictate to you which emotions to feel when.

You weren't unreasonable. You don't have to interact with SIL. You can use Groups in fb so that only people who are actually nice and care about you see any posts relating to your emotional life, and people like her can just see your more superficial posts.

Were you posting to share your pain or to spread it to as many people as possible? How did you think it was going to make your brother, your parents, your in-laws feel to read that? You were lashing out publically and now you're upset someone's objected.

I agree with you.

The SIL maybe shouldn't have reacted to the FB post as nothing good was ever going to come from it. But it sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. Possibly lots of little snips and incidents over the years she has brushed under the carpet and this time she snapped.

Also Facebook is not the place for these posts

Yup. As soon as you post publicly people will lose all sympathy. Facebook is not the place air your dirty laundry.

Using Facebook for these purposes make me cringe. I mostly block people who do it as it comes across as attention seeking.

I think you have a chip on your shoulder and would be helpful to consider how your actions have impacted on this situation with your SIL. Not allowing your and your husbands niece/ nephew at your wedding is really poor form. It sounds like it wasn't about a child free wedding per se, but allmost like you wanted to 'punish' your SIL for having something that you want.

I have a dog and hate leaving them, but I would work on making the dog less anxious so that it didn't impact on my relationships.

BTW I have experienced infertility so I know what it feels like. I had to watch my younger siblings having children when I was struggling, but I never pushed them away and have celebrated all my nieces and nephews.

Just another perspective on the dog issue - your dog is very important to you OP, that should be respected and understood by your family. They might not care about your dog but they are supposed to care about you, and the dog it’s important to you so they should make some adjustments so you can attend family gatherings. It’s also the same for the SIL and her child - you need to make adjustments to see them if nephew is scared of your dog.
i can completely understand why you don’t want to leave your dog, but is there any compromises you both can make to be able to see each other? Obviously this is harder if you live on opposite sides of the country but if you are local to each other maybe you can meet in the middle and the dog can be left a short while? They come to yours when the dog is out with a dog walker or at a friends? Can you look at working with a behaviourist to improve your dogs separation anxiety so he can be left alone or with others? I’m not saying the nephew is more important than your dog, but if you do want to have a relationship with SIL and her family then something needs to change. You can also choose to not have a relationship with them - that is up to you.

Posting personal stuff on FB never ends well. It's shit what you are going through, I've been there but public posts on FB are just cringe / eye rolling to most people and others will insert themselves causing issues like this.

Delete the Facebook post