Was I in the wrong to post this?

Quite.

I would like to stress that I don’t mean in any way to undermine the OP’s pain. I’ve always said infertility is one of the worst experiences you can go through.

The SIL aside, it doesn’t do the OP any good to risk having infertility take over her life. I do completely understand why babies & children family ones in particular are triggering. But it’s better to learn to deal with that in a constructive way.

I sometimes wonder that about certain infertility groups, they clearly do a lot more good than harm but I do wonder sometimes if they can lead to people being stuck or encourage people to be aggrieved about things they are better off learning to accept. I listened to a podcast where a woman talked about society being pro-natalist. I think what might be better is an acknowledgment that humans feel a drive to reproduce (for reasons I think we don’t fully understand) but unfortunately and cruelly not everybody can but that there is a potentially great life to be lived in any case. I suppose I wonder do people feel free to move on.

Sorry OP, but l think you’re the problem here. I don’t think you deliberately set out to cancel out your in laws other grandchildren but that’s how it looks. And that, to some extent, is understandable because you’re grieving and it’s difficult to focus on anything else right now. But you’re causing offence. Which is the best reason l can think of to stay off FB for a while. These are highly charged emotions and they don’t belong on social media.

I don’t think your SiL is unreasonable to be hurt by your words, given that you’re completely dismissive of her children. You say your wedding was child free ‘for obvious reasons’ - do you mean you didn’t want children there because you can’t have any yourself ? If so l can see her point - you were trying to force her to be separated from her babe in arms, just so as not to upset you. Her choice was the right one - her child. And now you’re using a dog with ‘separation anxiety’ to avoid contact with her children, and dismissing the fears of a four year old child. No wonder you don’t have a great relationship with her.

I’m assuming she is your husbands’ sister. If so, how does he feel about you effectively cutting off any relationship with nieces and nephews, or the effect on your/his relationship with her as a result of that ?

I’m sorry for your circumstance OP. I really am. I have health issues myself and couldn’t have children as a result, so l know something of how you feel. But you can’t isolate yourself from the children of family and friends. And you can’t live a life full of resentment - which is the road you’re on now. Unless fertility treatment can help, or you are willing to adopt, you have to accept that this is your lot in life. See your GP to sort out some counselling, and stop throwing obstacles in the way of a relationship with your SiL and her family. You really do owe her an apology for the way you’ve behaved towards her, when she’s done nothing to warrant it. At some point you have to stop punishing other people for something that’s no-one’s fault, and get on with your life.

As someone said above - infertility has become their identity/personality. That really is no way to live. Life does go on (ironically, perhaps).

Because maybe she wanted attention. I think that’s probably understandable. It’s not a constructive way to get it and can and has in this case provoked a negative response.

OP instead of calling out publicly, try to work on things behind the scenes as much as possible. I truly think that will make things easier for you. If you had a good therapist or support group that you know is there for you to come back to if you feel upset or something triggers you.

Work on healthy relationships with people. Be honest if you need to be, I’m sorry I can’t come to X as I just find I’m struggling at the moment. But also try not to be the person who is always struggling. If you want good family relationship you are going to have to tolerate children a bit more than asking after them. Grit your teeth & chat to the 4 year old. You might got a lot out of an aunt relationship in any case. I find I adore my niece & nephew, they are good company.

I don’t know if it was necessarily performative but it’s an odd thing to write about a couple who have had the experience of being grandparents. But presumably in was a in the moment thing.

But otherwise agree Facebook for anyone who still uses it is for rainbows and butterflies, pictures of dogs and cats etc.

There’s tons of support for infertility online including on MN.

It strikes me as someone so deep in grief/feelings that they are crying out for others to notice which is very sad.

Yes. Sounds incredibly attention seeking, why would you post that on social media?! Get a diary!

She's in the wrong . Wasn't a dig at her.

I'm sorry for your fertility issues but YABU.

You also sound like you don't like your SIL very much, so I think maybe you're the issue here rather than her. You sound quite resentful.

Leave the drama off social media.

YABU.

It's also really uncomfortable on FB when people you don't particularly know overshare really private stuff. I've got to say, I would find that particular post about the grandchildren to be performative - if you've got something to say, say it to the people themselves, that kind of post is clearly fishing for the 'u OK hun' type responses.

Your statements also imply that those who choose not to have children are selfish. It could also trigger guilt in those who also cannot conceive.
It's just not a sensitive thing to post

I can see both points of view. I know what you meant by the post but i can see why your SIL is upset as you unintentionally airbrushed her children out of the picture. You made a mistake so apologise.

I think your SIL was calling you out on the lack of authenticity in your public post. If you’re being honest, the pain you are feeling isn’t guilt at not providing your PIL with grandchildren, it’s the grief of not being able to have children of your own. Your grief if perfectly normal and valid, but dragging your in-laws into it isn’t. Especially when they already have grandchildren and so are hardly pining for them. And even if they were pining for them, then your post would only make them feel worse.

Is your SIL your PIL’s daughter? If so, I can understand why she has challenged you and I’d just be grateful that she did it privately.

It is quite sad that you excluded the children in the family from your wedding due to your own fertility issues. I imagine this isn’t the only time your SIL felt she had to play down her own child for fear of upsetting you.

I think you need some form of grief counselling. FB isn’t the place to help you work through your feelings, a therapy room is.

I apologise that in my grief over my infertility I have dismissed your 4 your old as too old to be afraid of my dog who I will work on leaving at home, didn’t allow you to bring your baby to a family wedding, and understand how my Facebook post might have added to that upset.

SIL sounds a bit self-centred but I cannot imagine sharing something so personal on Facebook so YABU for that. Delete the post and share a nice picture of your dog instead. That's what Facebook is for!

Just out of interest - have you read OP's updates?

"I apologise that my grief over my infertility offended you."

What a selfish woman.

You sil is being insensitive, so what is it reads wrong to her ? She should have shut up and enjoyed her kids , silly women !

I’ve posted personal info on Facebook
( mental health ) and it was criticised by a family member for being too personal and it knocked my confidence,
but if you have helped one person with your honest post then. Good on you !
don’t keep banging on about it on Facebook , you’ve done that , find a forum if you want to chat to others in same position

This. I am sorry you are going through a tough time but I don't really understand what you were hoping to gain from posting something so personal. I agree with other posters who suggested counselling.

I think you were very much in the wrong to post something so sensitive on a FB as you have no control of the impact is has on others. It is attention seeking and emotionally charged. Always a disaster on SM.

Also prioritising your dog over your nephew is..... bananas, that and banning a babes in arms from a wedding. It is you that has main character energy, I think.

Get out of self.

yes sister in law tried to make your post all about her, she is being unreasonable in that aspect.

however you didn’t invite your niece;nephew to your wedding? That’s shit. No wonder you don’t have a good relationship.

Yep. I'm guessing SIL saw the FB comment as the OP publicly trying to erase the existence of her children again and got defensive.

I can’t believe you wouldn’t let her bring an 8 month old baby to your wedding. And thereby excluded your SIL from it too. What she said about your Facebook post was wrong, but she’s in the right to be upset over the wedding.

Exactly. I don't know why so many don't understand that. It's like posting "I feel so guilty I can't take my parents to Disneyland"... people will think they've always wanted to go and haven't. When they're reading it going "eh? We've been seven times and are going again next year".

Super cringe to put such stuff in Facebook though. For what purpose?