Was I in the wrong to post this?

And you just prove my point. No one is suggesting children are hidden away. You'll find that the people who do the hiding away, avoiding and missing out are the ones who are affected by infertility. FFS.

I'm not sure if this has been said and I'm sorry if I sound rude but expecting her to leave her child when you won't leave your dog is a little hypocritical. Children get separation anxiety too.

while is it good that people can eventually have relationships with family children....sometimes the hurt is too much and they can't. And that's ok.
No, it isn't "OK" to suggest that children should be hidden away to suit the uncontrolled emotions of an adult. You're talking about human beings who are members of a family. If someone can't cope with normal life, which includes coming across children, then they need counselling.

Isn't not allowing a baby in arms to a wedding then throwing a strop because the mother won't leave her baby behaving like a tw@t?

Isn't not understanding how a couple who have (maybe recently) been told they can't have children not want to be around...children, behaving like a twat?

OP there are a lot of people on here who don't understand what you are going through and not really care because, to them, the important thing is that your sister in law has a child, like them, so they are only able to see things from that very narrow point of view. That goes for the people who say they "had" infertility. Struggling to conceive is a very different thing to not being able to have children ever and living with the knowledge that you will never have them. extra twat points if they mention adoption.
To a lot of infertile people a pet partly fills the hole in their lives that infertility has caused. Pets give us unconditional love and comfort and something to cry to when it all gets too much.
It can take many, many years for the pain of infertility to be manageable, and while is it good that people can eventually have relationships with family children....sometimes the hurt is too much and they can't. And that's ok. It's not taking anything away from grandparents as I presume those grandparents already spend a lot of time with the grandchildren anyway without the OP and her husband being around.

I have no skin in the game. I am childfree but through choice, as is my husband. We avoid children because we don't like their company, but within our social circle we have people who avoid them because of the pain of infertility that has never quite gone away. Miracle babies are just that. The reality is that many infertile couples don't have their happy ending. It sounds like the OP and her husband is one such couple.
I think that a lot of the responses on this thread show that there is still a lack of empathy around infertility and that is sad.

I think to be fair to the OP it sound like she doesn’t think leaving an 8 month old baby is a big deal, and to be fair it isn’t to some.

I left a BF baby to go to a wedding a 5 months and ended up freezing cold pumping in a basement under the venue, I managed ok and I’d probably do it again but it’s not for everyone.

And that post by no means makes it clear that PiL already have grandchildren via their own daughter, and that’s the point. The simple insertion of the word ‘more’ would have left no doubt and SiL wouldn’t be put out that OP is once again trying to deny the existence of her children. She’s entitled to be pissed and l think her response was more than reasonable under the circumstances.

And what of OP’s own DH. I think if l were him, after this length of time l’d be mightily pissed off with the resentment and disrespect shown by OP to my family

Highly agree with this. OP's DH is also suffering from the fallout of infertility, and on top of it is finding himself thrown into a gulf wherein his wife and his sister are at odds. For no good reason, other than OP has issues she is refusing to work through.

I know well that my DH was upset when I was miscarrying repeatedly. He wanted children, as did I. But he would have been so, so hurt if I'd turned that pain onto his siblings. It isn't even a one-off with the wedding, it's continued for four years and the excuse is now the "anxious" dog.

It's nonsense. If the dog is actually anxious, get it some proper training. Mine are both rescues and were anxious for damn good reason - they're not now. Pandering to a dog won't do it any good. It isn't an 8 month old baby...

Is this true OP @TrolleySign ? The only reason you didn’t allow your SIL to bring 8 month old baby was your infertility? If so, I think this is very problematic and I hope you can get therapy or counselling, as you can’t just exclude all children from your life going forward. If it is true, I can understand a rift with SIL- why is your DH not pushing to spend time with his niece or nephew? If I was SIL that comment would have rankled too.

Nope. Utter twaddle.

OP lashed out in grief on FB. She didn’t stop to think about how her words would affect anyone but herself. SiL is not an idiot. OP has denied SiL’s children right from the start with a child free wedding (purely because OP can’t have children herself) from which her SiL was excluded because she rightly put her baby first. Then another obstacle is thrown in the form of a difficult dog which OP insists on including everywhere, despite knowing her nephew is scared of it. And now a wail on FB about her inability to give her parents/PiL grandkids. Seems performative to me. And designed to push SiL’s kids into the shadows once more.

OP is clearly still in pain despite being a few years on from an infertility diagnosis and yet seems stuck in grieving and wallowing, instead of seeking help/therapy. I feel very sorry for SiL in having to put up with this for so long - OP is entitled to her pain, but she’s not entitled to inflict it on others for evermore. And from her updates l suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Children are a higher priority than weddings though and OP knew her choice would exclude her sil. Most child free weddings make exceptions for nieces and nephews, especially when they are still a babe in arms.

She was excluded simply because she had a child and chose to prioritise him over the wedding. OP’s reason for a child free wedding was that she couldn’t have children herself. Whilst l sympathise with her situation l find it disturbing that she thought this was reasonable.

Honestly, from what you’ve said I can see why your SIL has a problem with you.

Awful behaviour to exclude her from her brothers wedding because she still had a baby under a year old.

I’m just as curious to know what he thinks of his wife’s behaviour to be honest. The OP was quite clear in her opening post. It was a child free wedding for no other reason than OP couldn’t have children herself. She said in her OP that it was a child free wedding ‘for obvious reasons’, indicating that she thinks this to be perfectly reasonable. Her nephew was a babe in arms and when SiL made the right decision to prioritise him and miss the wedding OP threw a strop. That nephew is four years old now and OP is still throwing obstacles in the way of a relationship with SiL snd her family - the latest of which is a dog with supposed separation issues that she insists on taking everywhere, despite knowing her nephew is afraid of it.

I suspect the events mentioned here are just the tip of the iceberg, and if I were SiL the FB comment would be the last straw. OP is posting on FB as though she’s been newly diagnosed as infertile when in fact it’s at least four years ago if not longer. How much longer are friends and family going to have to put up with the resentment clearly displayed towards anyone with children ?

And what of OP’s own DH. I think if l were him, after this length of time l’d be mightily pissed off with the resentment and disrespect shown by OP to my family. OP needs therapy to work through this, and she needs love and support to do that. But that doesn’t mean she can behave like a twat to everyone around her because she can’t have children. That’s no-one’s fault and no-one should be pandering to her. She owes SiL an apology for her behaviour.

The last sentence is key. Yes, the OP can focus on point scoring with the SIL and refuse to leave her dog behind etc etc. But to what end? The person who will end up most hurt is herself. The OP’s life with or without children is more than that.

Those saying the SIL is a twat etc, you’re not actually helping the OP. The SIL likely isn’t a saint and probably should have let the Facebook post go etc but nothing is to be gained by the OP focusing on that.

And if the OP goes on to have a child the SIL is likely to feel resentful that she/her kids had to stand in the shadows and now have to celebrate the OP. It’s reasonable to expect the SIL to be sensitive to a point.

Absolute twaddle.

Seems spot on to me.

That's really the only way to read it

I don’t think you’ve fully grasped the issue. OP said her wedding was child free ‘for obvious reasons’ - that can only mean that because she couldn’t have children herself, she didn’t want to be around anyone elses’. She made it perfectly clear they were unwelcome. That’s her choice. Doesn’t mean everyone has to go along with it. I would have done exactly the same as SiL and prioritised my child.

OP has continued to throw ridiculous obstacles in the way of any meaningful relationship with SiL simply because she has children. She prioritised her dog over socialising with them - she knows the four year old is afraid, and insists that the dog has ‘separation issues’ so can’t be left alone. A ready made avoidance tactic.

The final straw came when she completely airbrushed the children out of the lives of her PiL with the comment on FB. Infertility is traumatic and no-one is denying that. But OP is making it her identity and others pandering to that will only perpetuate it. OP needs therapy and support to confront her issues and deal with them so she can get on with her life. The alternative is to live a life of isolation, fuelled by resentment, and that’s such a waste.

Is she?

Isn't not allowing a baby in arms to a wedding then throwing a strop because the mother won't leave her baby behaving like a tw@t?

Yes, the SIL should have let it go.

There is more going on between the two than that one post and response though.

@the7Vabo I totally agree. I think maybe this is a point OP could consider some therapy, because obviously never being around children is impossible - or if not impossible, will lead to situations like this. I'm a huge dog person myself and I absolutely get the kind of pain OP must be feeling, but it's something to work on. It feels more like she's just burying it at the moment and that will cause rifts if this sort of behaviour continues. SIL is probably upset by a lot of it, especially if she's close to her brother.

Sister in law is petty to text you about this, she has her children, she knows they have grandparents, and she knows you must be in a dark place so why add to that, but seriously delete the Facebook post, you don't need to have 100 plus people reading your darkest thoughts and they're then telling other people, Facebook isn't the way to go. I hope you find peace and things improve for you xx

Agreed, and I love dogs. The OP seemed to be saying that it’s not unreasonable to take the dog as it’s not a wedding like her SIL wants to take the baby to.
I think the OP is struggling a lot, and either the dog is an emotional support which I get, or is somehow being sort of put forward as comparable to a child.

@the7Vabo Oh gosh no, I wouldn't either. That was purely something I wanted to do because I really love my SIL and BIL. But the way she's pushed her own SIL away is really 10 yards in the other direction, and her excuses are flimsy. Especially the dog separation anxiety. At 8 months, I was still breastfeeding both kids and they'd not have done well without me. Both very clingy babies, I had to take a full 12 months maternity as they were bottle refusers. I think the OP has been a bit harsh.