Was I in the wrong to post this?

I’d hope that there isn’t teams, it’s seems sad that you & your SIL not getting on has extended to kids & infertility.

Your SiL is thick.

Sounds like you’ve snubbed her kids over and over again (not inviting your own nephew to your wedding? Wow!) and are prioritising your dog. I can see why this has pissed her off. It’s way too personal to be splashed all over Facebook and I can see why she felt it was a dig at her. Team SIL here.

That all I meant when i said that you are “struggling with infertility”. I mean that as experiencing infertility.

I meant exactly what was written.

I have the same sense of guilt not giving my mom grandchildren as her only daughter.

@oboeannie

I liked your entire comment but this bit really made me laugh:

extra twat points if they mention adoption.

It’s so true and I always laugh and think “wtf” when people say this. Adoption is not a consolation prize for infertility!

@the7Vabo No, no, I absolutely agree it's different. I wrote it in a bit of a rush, so I know the comparisons aren't quite right. (It's snowy and I've got a DC rummaging for carrots for his snowman 🥴)

I absolutely agree. This little boy is a child. Not a trigger. And it's a change in mindset the OP needs. I really think therapy could help - I had to do EMDR and it was an absolute god send, but I don't know if that's available if you don't have PTSD. Possibly privately.

Your points here are absolutely spot on.

Astonished to see people asking for allowances for the dog as it’s a baby replacement but not the baby, which is an actual baby. What a time to be alive.

Not to undermine your v difficult experience but as you said infertility is different.

That said, I don’t disagree with your point - stop seeing an 8 month old baby as a trigger. See him as you/your husband’s nephew.

I have two SIL, one has no children after dearly wanting them & the other had secondary infertility. Neither have ever avoided children in the family and I have no doubt it has to have been difficult at times.

OP, quite simply, this appears a sensitive topic for you. I'd say speak to a therapist as MN has quite a lot of unempathic people and it doesn't help. I certainly wouldn't have posted about the topic you did on FB but that doesn’t mean I can't empathise. I still think your SIL should not have said anything because although your status could be read either way (meaning-wise) she knows about your fertility issues and if she took a second to think, she should behave known it was you wallowing in self pity rather than saying or hinting at anything relating to her own family set up. If you do have much of a relationship maybe she should have vented to people closer to her rather than confronting you, IMO.

I'm not condoning airing out this type of thing on FB but I understand that emotional pain can lead to ridiculous behaviour.

Also, I would personally have not excluded her 8 month old but that's not the topic here, and it's not my wedding. And 4 year old can have separation exiety and other anxieties too.

Anyway, get out of these comments anything useful you can find. Please ignore any mean comments or address them with a therapist.

You may not see an issue with the SIL skipping the wedding but the OP still thinks the SIL is unreasonable for not attending the wedding - and called it “main character energy”. So she is clearly not thinking that her choice not to have 8 month old nephew there was unusual or had any impact on the SIL whatsoever.

While most people would maybe explain to the SIL the real reason for the decision rather than just “no kids”, and maybe she would have understood. OP just seems very cold and “me me me”. And I do wonder where the DH is in all this!

This.

It's a tiny little baby, part of her family. Not a "trigger". He's a little person in his own right, not some object.

Ffs. I'm triggered by horses after seeing DH trampled by one. I still have horses. I went to therapy while he was learning how to walk again because I knew it wasn't something I could ignore. DH still rides, despite nearly dying and now being disabled.

I'm sure we could have both ignored those triggers and never had a horse again. Wouldn't have done us much good, were a horsey family. Obviously infertility is different, but the same thing stands.

You can't just brush things under the carpet and expect everyone else to bow to it.

What a way to describe an 8mo child, supposedly an adored nephew.

First off, I think that your SIL is being ridiculous. You obviously meant “more grandchildren/ grandchildren from you” not that they didn’t have any grandchildren. Honestly, it’s clearly not a post about her or her children!

Secondly, I agree with pps that Facebook isn’t the place to write deeply personal things.

Like PP said, Facebook is not the place for this. And your sister in law sounds like she is self centred.

To give another example. My dad is dead quite a long time at this stage. My mum not infrequently says things among the lines of it’s not fair particularly when talking about her friends & their husbands. Either it’s she finds a friend giving out about her husband annoying, or she says she feels jealous.

It isn’t fair that some people die sooner than others. But sitting in a pit of despair and it’s not fair about it is only harming my mum. And if she were to start doing things like avoiding the topics of husband etc (which she hasn’t) the friend would tire of it.

Infertility is a particularly shit thing to deal with, but not dealing with it or dealing with it in ways that are directed at others has consequences for relationships.

I understand the point you are trying to make, infertility is a very unique pain. I think people sometimes can lack empathy on the subject matter too and it is a difficult subject matter for many.

I understand that a dog may be a support and fill a hole, I’m a big fan of dogs, but it’s not reasonable to expect to bring a dog to a family gathering where a small child is afraid of the dog. The park less so.

There are practical difficulties around not being able to bring a baby to a wedding. The OP seemed to both not want her nephew at the wedding and be annoyed that the SIL didn’t go.

The SIL has phased a couple of things badly and should have let the Facebook post go, and maybe encouraging the OP to hang out with her nephew is too much at the moment.

The OP seems to be comparing bringing a dog to events as more acceptable than bringing a baby to a non-child wedding.

Absolutely it may take years to work through dealing with infertility, but in the meantime people in the family have kids, it won’t always be possible to avoid them. And those kids are part of the family and will need to be included. They can’t be hidden away to avoid upsetting the OP. There is no point in damaging family relationships, the OP may well suffer because of it.

It also notable that several posters on this thread haven’t had a child.

@Rosscameasdoody

I have fully grasped it. We just disagree.

I see no issue with OP prioritising her mental health at her own wedding.

I also see no issue with SIL skipping said wedding. I don’t care about the dog issue and have not changed my mind on the FB post. I don’t think she airbrushed any children out of their lives as she did not say they had no grandchildren, she said she would not be able to give them grandchildren.

And it’s true - she won’t.

I think not wanting to leave an 8 month old is perfectly fine and reasonable. That’s not the bit I highlighted.

Is it really unreasonable to not want to deal with mental health triggers on your actual wedding day?

I agree.

It is clear from SIL's responses and the responses on here that the OP's statement I feel guilty for not being able to give my parents and in laws grandchildren is ambiguous

My initial understanding and that of several posters and the SIL was that the OP hadn't been able to provide any grandchildren, and it is understandable that the SIL felt put out.

bears*

I think the reason you do not have a good relationship with your SIL is because of the fact she has children.. It's painful for you, it makes you angry and SIL bares the brunt because she has what you want.

It's really shit. It's fine to acknowledge that. It's not her fault.

A lot of us have been through emotional trauma, something that has been very challenging to come to terms with or accept. However, it is not reasonable even whilst being understandable, to lash out at other people and to treat other people in a certain way because of it.

@oboeannie So you think it's right that OP causes family rifts? I've every sympathy for those struggling with infertility. I have a childless friend (and that's what she calls herself), and I know she suffers. I danced around her for a long time and she was the one who put her foot down and told me to pack it in. I was trying so hard not to upset her, and she didn't mind at all - she was happy for others.

You can't just ignore the existence of children. Well, you can...but if you do, you'll end up creating scenarios like these. I'm "triggered" (diagnosed with PTSD) by certain things. I don't refuse to let people around me do those things. It's my issue, not theirs. I want a family and friends, and shoving them away with flimsy excuses won't do that. It's ridiculous that she can't leave her dog alone but expects her SiL to leave a tiny baby.

OP has every right not to be around children. She does not have every right to treat her SiL the way she does.

What are you doing to address your dogs anxiety?