Was I in the wrong to post this?

I don't think your SIL's hurt was just about the post. The post was the final nail.

Your hurt at your infertility has encouraged you to act like your nephews/nieces are characters in a TV show that you can ask about but not interact with in real life.

Your infertility does not stop the world from carrying on around you. It seems to have become your identity

Yes, the OP seems to be an attention seeking drama-lama, the poor sister in law has probably just reached the end of her tether. Banning a babe-in-arms from a close family member's wedding meaning a sibling can't attend is just cruel; and putting a dog above a child is just bonkers.. Also posting something like she has on facebook is massively attention seeking. Infertility does strange things to people's heads, I know, I have been there, but I never acted the way that the OP has.

SIL is right. People will assume your PILs have no grandkids because it's the only reason people will understand for you feeling guilty.

It's your PIL I feel sorry for though. You've written that in public, what on earth are they meant to say? I hope you've mentioned this to them in person first, at least.

It's ironic that the OP can't differentiate between leaving a dog with someone else and leaving a baby with someone else.

Unfortunately, the OP's two subsequent posts don't paint her in a positive light.

This OP 100% I hope it happens.

But keep it in mind when dealing with SIL, you may have a baby, and then your SIL who by the sounds of things has had to put her/her kids needs aside for you will then presumably be expected to be thrilled for you.

That happened to me essentially (although my sister wasn’t struggling for long and probably barley if even met the medical definition of “infertility” which compounded things) and while I never said anything or changed my behaviour outwardly I do carry some resentment about it.

I agree with you, though OP didn't disclose what she said, the OP says "I said something along the lines of". That means the words used are NOT exactly what was said to be able to try to examine technicalities in parts of speech.

The context of pushing aside her DH's nephew at every opportunity makes SIL's reaction understandable regardless of specific wording.

YABU and you really need to reflect on how your hurtful your behaviour is. You excluded your In laws much loved grandchild from his uncles wedding, and use your dog to make family gatherings impossible. Frankly your in-laws will be far more upset about that than your personal fertility issues.

It sounds to me like SIL has reached the end of her tether with always having to put you first. Excluded from your wedding because she has a baby and excluded from family events because your dog has to go everywhere with you. With that history, I suspect the wording of the post did suggest there were no other grandchildren.

Choosing to vent on FB is up to you, but don't then act offended when it provokes a response from people who are hurt by it.

I really hope you are eventually able to have a much longed for baby, OP. If that happens and then a close family member gets married when they are still a babe in arms, how will you feel if told you can't bring them?

She didn't say sad, though. She said guilty. Guilty implies that because of her they are going without grandchildren.

Facebook is an inappropriate place to post those feelings and I say that as a person who went through 10 years of infertility.

While the sentiment of 'talk about mental health' is great it's more about opening up to trusted friends or professional strangers. You can't just walking into a room of 100 people going about day to day life, most or whom are random relatives, acquaintances, co-workers and dump that on all of them. It won't get you 'support' you just announced it publicly and invited them into to judge the most private parts of your life randomly.

People in general are not sensitive to infertility, even medical professional in the field say some of the stupidest shit I have ever heard and its literally their job so Susan from down the street is unlikely to say the correct thing when put on the spot. People are often useless dealing with grief in general but its at least easier to grasp for most when something stops existing, most don't grasp grieving a lack of something ever existing.

Have you tried places like the fertility friends? They have different forums for different journeys.

Well OP didn't post "I'm so sad that my PIL have no grandchildren" did she? She posted that she is sad that she hasn't provided any. The equivalence stands.

It's really inappropriate to put this sort of message on facebook, because you were not talking about just yourself but about both sets of parents. While it may have been unintentional to pretend the SIL's child doesn't exist, having banned an 8 month old sibling's child from the wedding and continually prioritised a dog over him, it must be very clear to SIL that you despise her child and don't want him to exist. I'm amazed she speaks to you at all to be honest. You suggest she has "main character syndrome", but you are the one who has created every piece of this juvenile drama and shouldn't expect her to put up with your behaviour without a word. You need counselling to deal with your reaction to your infertility, hearts on social media is not going to help and you'll end up driving away family by this nastiness.

The dog also needs to be trained out of separation anxiety, which is no good for its health. You need more dog walker / dog sitter time, a favoured toy and blanket, plus a good trainer to help you plan increasing separation periods. Staying with the dog all the time will not fix it.

Yes and no. Without being able to stress that you were upset that you could not give parents and ILs grandchildren, your post could have been interpreted as suggesting that there are no grandchildren, I.e your SIL’s children don’t count.

She should have been more understanding about what was at the heart of your post.

But don’t write soul-bearing stuff on Facebook, or any other social media.

This.

I’m not sure if you’re taking the Mickey now with that example.

but you don't need to feel guilty about anything, you don't owe anyone grandchildren

I'm finding the different points of view interesting, but this ^^ really stood out for me.

You should never feel guilty for not having children. It implies that the only reason we are here is to procreate.

I'm sorry this is affecting you so much 💐

Not the same at all, this example would work if OP posted ‘I’m so sad I couldn’t give my parents or PiL any Christmas gifts this year’ for the world to assume they received nothing.

Oh dear, OP - really think about what you’re saying…you expected a mother to leave her 8 months old baby for a wedding, you expect a 4 year old who is scared of your dog to suck it up, and you publicly/dramatically share with the world that you can’t give your parents or PiL grandchildren. You are also displaying main character energy. We all do, are all our own main characters!!!

I experienced infertility for a decade, but now have two miracle babies. I didn’t want to be around babies when I was struggling, but of course have very different feelings on what I will and won’t do with and for them now they’re here.

Stop posting dramatic vents on Facebook, write them in a journal or tell a trusted friend. Stop blaming your SiL for your sadness, she’s done nothing wrong. Start some counselling, best thing you can do for yourself.

Gosh.

By this logic if someone wrote "I feel guilty that I was only able to give my parents and PIL cheap/homemade Christmas presents this year as money is so tight" it would be reasonable for SIL to be affronted because she gave her parents a diamond studded mantlepiece clock and posting about that sense of guilt is insulting to her personally and ignoring the existence of her gift.

What a weird viewpoint.

im really sorry you’re going through a hard time but neither of these are examples of your SIL having main character energy. They’re actually examples of you being inflexible and actually really unkind to your nieces/nephews.

If my children were treated like this I wouldn’t stand for it either.

Oh and btw my 4yo is petrified of dogs. It’s actually very common, especially if they’ve had negative encounters. It can take many many years to reverse this.

It sounds like you have a fraught relationship with your SIL and you've both completely lost perspective. You would get better support for your pain on another platform other than Facebook. It depends on who you are friends with online but if your parents and PILs saw that same post then that could cause them to be upset as well. There are lots of infertility groups and forums online, even here on mumsnet where you would find better understanding and support.

It was insensitive of your SIL to get involved but it seems like there is a history there so it's hard to say if she was completely inappropriate or if it could have been a straw that broke the camel's back situation where she feels you undermine her child's place in the family due to your pain from infertility.

I'm so sorry you feel the way you do, I hope you choose to join some online infertility groups or seek out some in person therapy. Infertility is awful and many people can't relate to how completely it can consume you.

I think this is the best advice here, and clearly comes from a place of understanding.

I think your SIL feels pushed aside and therefore found the Facebook post triggering.

I couldn’t disagree with your first paragraph more, OP’s complex emotions are not SIL’s responsibility because presumably she didn’t cause OP’s infertility, but when OP intentionally or unintentionally writes SIL’s child / children out of the picture repeatedly and publicly, she is well within her rights to be upset about that.

The mature thing to do is acknowledge that your wording is open to interpretation, offer an explanation and apology and delete the post.

She was wrong to reply with that. But you were pretty inconsiderate not to let her 8 month old come to your wedding! Family (and babies) are usually the exception.