One child has inherited AGAIN

Do you have a life insurance policy? If not, could you take one out ‘top up’ your DC’s inheritance that way. Ok, this usually would only pay out if you pass younger, but at least if you do you know you’ve set him up properly.

this is where I struggle on the 'stepchild' threads

everyone criticises extended family members for being petty when they do 'smaller' things like not take the stepchild out to the theatre or spend less (or no) money on them at Christmas. And yes, I understand, is it worth hurting a child's feelings for the sake of a few quid, to make a point?

But long term, does being kind just complicate things for everyone? Even the most welcoming people might draw a line between buying their son's partner's daughter a happy meal when they get their grandchild one, and including them equally in their will, giving the money they've spent their entire life saving and scraping for to a child they aren't blood related to, didn't know from birth, might have never met their other parent, and whom they might only see a few times a year - which means taking money away from (what they see as) their actual grandchildren.

So is it kinder to always keep that difference from the beginning, so the non-blood-related child never considers their parent's new partner's extended family as any sort of relation to them, and therefore never expects anything from them?

Of course it will still seem unfair if their sibling inherits a significant amount of money, but at least if they've never even considered the possibility of being included themselves, it will be similar to a friend or colleague whoever else inheriting - they can't help but think it would be nice to have that money but would never have considered it coming from that avenue, so it wouldn't even occur to them to feel upset or excluded about it.

This doesn't mean the child can't still have a positive, close, or even loving relationship with the extended family of their step mother/father - in the same way a child could be very close to a parent's friend, their godparent, a neighbour, a teacher or coach - they can absolutely get on well with their step-sibling's relations whilst being fully aware they are not their family, so will not (and don't expect to) have the same relationship with them as their step-sibling.

If they've never been taught that they should be treated exactly the same as their step/half sibling then it could be similar to, for example, when an aunt/uncle dies, 'I loved aunty X, but of course she left her money to her actual children and not me, that doesn't take anything away from the relationship we had, but obviously she was closer to them, I'd never expect anything otherwise.'

They have different dad's, so of course they will have different life experiences. It's just the way it goes.
Does your eldest not have his dad and his relatives to inherit from?
I personally wouldn't try to even things up in my will either. You risk your parting gift to your DC being favouritism.
And please make sure your youngest doesn't feel guilt over his good luck!

My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

That's illogical. The money wasn't left to the your DH or his brother, it was left to the children. Had she left equal amounts to each family for the children, each of the three siblings would have had less than their cousins.

If I decide to leave money to my grandchildren, I will leave an equal amount to each child, not to each family

Thinking on this, The problem here is that whoever dies first really has to leave most of the estate to the other one because the other partner is likely to need it (plus unless they're minted most of the estate is likely the house and quite possibly held as joint tenants so auto inherited by the other). The risk for the OP is that she dies first, leaving all to her DH and he then disinherits her older child. Therefore, it might be sensible to leave him something directly on her death, if doable. There is then of course the possibility that her DH lives for absolutely years, all the money goes on care and the younger child then gets nothing. It's very very difficult to make inheritance fair as there are so many uncertainties.

I would really encourage you not to try to “put it right” through your will. For one thing, who knows what the future holds? But the main thing is that children inevitably interpret unequal amounts in wills as unequal amounts of love.

Your kids have different fathers- there it is. They have different financial inheritances, just as they also have different genetic inheritances, and no one can say who is more fortunate overall.

If DS marries someone with existing children they're probably not going to be in my will. Why would they be? They'll have their own grandparents/other parent/aunties and uncles.

I feel differently about things like being included in holidays and invited to weddings but not so much about wills.

Advice on how to come to terms with it: accept that your children have different fathers. Accept it. They're equal to you as you are the common parent. They're not equal to each other, or to anyone else. This is a fact. Your partner is doing nothing wrong. Nobody is doing anything wrong, other than you in trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole.

Just accept this. Do what YOU can to treat them equally. You're tilting at windmills trying to get anybody else to do the same. They're not equal in anyone else's eyes (unless they are, of course).

The OP has two children with different fathers and hence different families. The siblings are not equal.

I think that's poor advice actually. I get the sons will have different money/no money previously but I can't imagine treating my kids differently.

I've seen posts on here in the past from someone who is upset as their mother has died and left them 10k and their brother 100k with the mother having said that that the 10k person has a better job so doesn't need the money as much.

I suppose it could have happened the other way if DS1's dad was rich, then he wouldn't have left money to DS2 as absolutely no link to him

Your youngest has inherited from his blood relations
Your eldest could inherit from his blood relations
It is not your youngest fault or his blood relations fault that it seems unlikely your eldest will get anything from his father. Perhaps he will…
I agree with your dh that you and your dh should leave 50/50 to each of your sons.

Has your firstborn benefited in any positive ways through your relationship with the father of your second child and their family, in ways that he wouldn't have had you stayed single? If so, perhaps you can view that as the benefit of your relationship with your partner.

Only if they own as tenants in common. If they own as joint tenants (more usual) then the surviving owner automatically inherits the house. There are pros and cons to both from the OP's perspective depending on who dies first. Personally I'd always prefer joint tenants as then whatever they write in their will they cant make me homeless.

Or indeed just by luck or random genetics even if they have the same parents.

If this is the kind of thing you will be massively upset about, then don’t blend your family.

You can’t force others to blend your children, even if you and your partner decide to.

This is a risk you take having children with a partner who has money in the family when you don't have money to bequeath to your previous child. It's a shame but it is just how it is.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amiibeingunreasonable/2427061-Imheritance

Have you talked to your elder son to see how he feels about this?

I am sure it’s a bit tough on him, but truly it’s not for your DH , nor his extended family to fix. This is as a result of your two sons having different paternal families, due to your choices. ( Sorry if that sounds harsh, it’s not a judgement, it’s just a reality)

I am not entirely sure it’s a good idea for you to try and fix it with your own will; I have seen so many threads on here where anything other than equal shares , causes a lot of resentment and family division.

@EWAB there is absolutely nothing to stop you going into solicitor and changing your will to only benefit your older son. your husband does not have any right to know. you can write that you want your older child to inherit your half of the matrimonial home with your husband having free life rent.

Won’t your elder child eventually inherit from your biological family? (and his sibling won’t, obviously).
Is it just the disparity in amounts that’s bothering you?
Because in principle it’s perfectly fair.

that's awful advice.

You can't treat your own children differently! You would do even worst than the previous inheritance you are complaining about.

You can't blame her grand-mother to put her own grand-children in her own will, that's reasonable.

It's the same with the second one, it's irrelevant that it went to male FAMILY MEMBERS, (as wrong as it is to me), your son is not part of that family so wasn't on it either.

Your second husband is more wealthy than the first, the children benefit different from their father/ father family. Sadly there's nothing you can do.

Really?

I find it surprising that people wouldn't get worked up about their own two children inheriting vastly different amounts enabling one to have a very different future from the other (from the OP's previous posts it was life changing money, not a few thousand)

People are so naive about the differences children will experience when blending families / having different children with new partners etc.
Life is unfair at the best of times, so this can't be surprising. Children can have the same parents and still have different outcomes, so 🤷🏾‍♀️.

It’s pretty awful but I feel more sorry for the sisters of the other grandsons! Their own blood relation has cut them out.

Re your will and your partner’s, you can each decide on your own wills. If you die first you can leave everything that is solely yours to your elder son and nothing to DH or younger son if you want. If you’re tenants in common could include your half of the house, if joint tenants then not.

But then he could go on to leave everything that’s his to younger son to even it out.

If he dies first, his will can dispose of everything solely his, but everything you’re left with (which could be the whole house or half depending on how you two own the house) you can dispose of as you please.