One child has inherited AGAIN

I’ve always said Wills are contentious things, but have to accept what people’s wishes are.

That said I have in the laser seethed over the unfair distribution of equal areas.

I think if you bypass your children to go to grandchildren of more than one child, it should be split into equal % of children, so if you have 4 children each family get 25%, then any grandchildren are equally divided by their parents 25% as in what they would have inherited.

however parents of many children may baulk at an only child’s amount say, or any less children than they have. However as this is what they would have originally inherited “if” it had gone to their parents it would seem more fair from a general point of view. The second windfall I imagine people with the female grandchildren will also be seething, are they hoping the males give them the money also?

Your two sons will have different monies, this will be a benefit for the younger but, the people I know who have succeeded in life are often the ones that have been more hard done by, they seem to have more drive. I would put zero pressure on your youngest, if he decides in the future that’s up to him.

I part see why your eldest has been excluded, but I do wonder if in the future when blended families are seen more equal this general stance may change. It may have been nice him to be included even if it was a token gesture.

overall they are lucky children to receive anything, many people I know their parents have nothing to leave. May whatever they do they use it well.

Yes when I read back it was very badly worded. Because I see us as the child generation ridiculously! All were consenting adults. I agreed with why they did it but it must have been hard for the two who lost out, though I'm sure they wouldn't have expressed that.

Oh my heavens they aren’t married!!! So all this drama over her boyfriend’s son inheriting from his grandmother???

OP you need to give yourself a really good shake.

I agree. Why would you tell older son? None of his business. I feel you are over dramatic about this tbh, they have different fathers and therefore different families on one side.

Surely this happens a lot. I don’t expect to inherit from my Stepfather or his family.

As someone else pointed out, the OP and her partner aren't married. He isn't her son's stepfather. And as it stands, his will leaves his share of the house to his son only. Had he received the inheritance from MIL himself, there is no reason to think he would have given any of it to the OP's eldest son. But by doing it this way, MIL has saved her son from being relentlessly badgered by the OP. Also, this "life changing" amount is £120k. That's not going to go far in London. Youngest son isn't exactly going to be financially worry-free for the rest of his life.

The lesson is don’t live your life based on what you think/might inherit. Assume nothing and then anything you get is a windfall. DH inherited zilch when his parents died and I’m probably going to get a decent low six figures inheritance one day but we haven’t planned our lives around it.

I would be heartbroken if my sons were in this situation . Of course you want them to have more equal chances in life . I would be minded to have a very open conversation with them both and explain that you will be leaving your assets to the older son based on need not favouritism .
The secrecy you’ve described would not sit well with me either .

CurlyhairedAssasin

ParsnipPuree
"I have a similar issue with my adult children which I'm mentioning to show that imbalances can happen in other ways too, DD's boyfriend has just inherited millions and will be buying a house for him and dd to live in before they get married.

Ds however will never own his own home despite earning a decent salary.

It's not fair and as a parent my heart breaks for ds. Absolutely nothing I can do about it other than alter my own will.

My dh is my children's step dad and treats them financially the same as his children. There is absolutely nothing way though, under any circumstances, that he would change his will to leave mine MORE than his own to even out an imbalance. This would be completely unreasonable, and it wouldn't occur to me to ask that of him."

"Don't alter your will without speaking to your daugher and son first. You need to check that a) she would be absolutely fine with this plan and b) that her future husband has not sorted things legally so that his inheritance and house is ring-fenced so that your DD would be entitled to none of it should they split up in the next few years. Imagine the ructions if you altered your will to benefit your son, you then died, son is left fine financially, then the next year your DD splits with her boyfriend/husband but there is a legal arrangement where she walks away from the marriage/relationship with nothing, and your son does nothing to help her.

It could be better to just leave it to them both equally and then upon your death they could decide between them AT THAT TIME to do a deed of variation in the case that your daughter decided she was perfectly financially fine without her share of your estate. But you can't assume. Never assume. Open and transparent discussions are the best."

Thank you so much for this advice. I will wait a few years to see how it pans out with my dd.. I'm in good health at present but one never knows.

..

OP I understand why you feel so bad for your older son. I would feel like that if I remarried and had another child and my firstborn was left out especially if we’d been married for a long time and my child had grown up as part of the family for a long time. You’re concerned that they’d feel cast aside and could form resentment if their younger sibling could have advantages they’re denied such as paying off university fees or having a deposit for a home. I can understand your partner’s family making their decisions - I personally think it’s a bit cruel if your son had grown up in the family for a long time. I do think your partner is being insensitive though - he met and married you and did so knowing and choosing to be a stepfather. He and you went on and had a child together but blended families should work that all kids are seen as collectively ‘yours’. I can see it might be different if you get together when you’re much older and all the kids are already adults but this isn’t the case in your situation if I’ve understood correctly. As others have said I think the best thing would be to sit both brothers down and explain that you love them both equally and that you both just want to give them an equal opportunity in life and therefore you want to balance the scales and give assistance in the form of money to the oldest so they can have the same opportunities that the youngest has due to his two inheritances. Being open and allowing them to get the opportunity to ask questions and state their feelings means they won’t get a shock in future when the will’s being read and allows them to know why you’re making the decisions and hopefully will stop any future animosity between them. Talk frankly to your partner he has to be honest just like if you adopt a child they are yours regardless of biology does he see your older child as ‘his’? Hope you find a resolution that makes both your sons feel seen and loved equally. Good luck.

Your feelings are valid. The lack of openness is the issue here.

if the situation were reversed I’m sure your DP would want your younger son to have a heads up, as a family is only as sick as its secrets. No one has done anything wrong but there is a clear advantage in life for one child.

The truth is it’s neither child’s fault. When your younger son comes of age if he has a good relationship with his brother, and money to spare, he could decide to gift some to give him a leg up. Money is nothing compared to family and your older son will of course feel badly done to.

It’s very hard and the people who do these things think nothing of the mess they leave behind. Resentment in families is cancer, honestly and ‘themes the breaks’ is the way to go here. Your elder son may become extremely motivated and do very well.

Inheritance can be ruinous when young. I’d keep it from your younger son until he’s entitled - and already chosen a hopefully useful path.

I can imagine this is really tough. Most people try so hard to treat their children the same and through things outside of your control they will have very different opportunities. Firstly I wouldn't lie (by omission) to your older child. It doesn't really matter what your partner thinks. He can have a view but he doesn't get to veto your view for your child. Secondly I know you can't even the playing field but can you put any savings aside to at least build something to help towards a house deposit maybe?

Please forgive me of someone has already asked this question:

You said, "The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately."

If the MIL by-passed her children and left equal amounts to each of her grandchildren, then that isn't disproportionate. Or, did she leave more to each other granchild and less to yours and your partners child?

It seems your MIL didn't intend to leave to the parents or the household but to the children as individuals.

It wouldn't be fair for the siblings of 3 to get a total of £500, for example, to be shared amongst them and for your younger son to receive £500 all for himself.

You will need to see this from other people’s perspectives. Also giving more to elder son to make up for it isn’t right. Do it if you think he needs the help. But if he doesn’t I would make it equal. My mum has helped out my sister a great deal because she needed it. Mum sometimes feels the need to give me comparatively bigger gifts on occasions to “even” it out. It’s a bit silly, unnecessary and most of all wrong.

I don’t understand why people even have these conversations. Who cares? It’s nobody’s money but the persons who died.

Omg have you no feelings for this woman at all it's not the DC fault either , I myself had one son when I met my husband and then had another son after we were married, then my hubby went on to adopt my first son and our will is made out to them both receiving equal also the same with my mil as she has left equal amounts between her 4 grandchildren with two of them being my son's and the other two children being his brothers children.
This to me shows that I married into a loving family who treated a child that wasn't blood related to them but was still in their hearts part of the family and was loved just much as my other son was loved .

You need to just get on with your life. One of your sons could have won millions on the lottery at some point. What would you do then? Nothing. Be happy for the rich son and just hope that he may give some to your other son. It's not really your situation to deal with. The will was the will. You family dynamic is your family dynamic. End of.

I'm planning to do this different inheritance to my nephews. One will inherit a quarter of our home (detached 1 acre Sussex) and his brother will get nothing from me as he is an unbearable racist and treats my sister like a doormat. My lasting message to him how undeserving he is!

Perhaps one brother will decide to make a gift to the other brother at some point. It’s behind your control. The boys know this. It’s up to them.

Blood is thicker than water? Really? So adopted children don’t count as ‘real’ relatives? Blood is a metaphor and kinship is reckoned by relationships, actions and love. How many people are NC with ‘blood’ kin but much more intimate with non-‘blood’ kin/non-kin? Family is culturally constituted differently throughout the world. Please don’t be so reductionist.

My step grandparents both died with a few years of each other ( had been SGP since I was 6 so over 30 years ) me and my full blood sister were very close to them growing up and saw them a lot in their later years / helped to care for them etc . They left us nothing in their wills and our younger (half) brothers a lot of life changing money .
It hurt in a way because it really showed that they thought us differently- which we were! BUT I don’t care . We are both on the property ladder and have been for years - doubtful we will inherit from our mums side as it’s all being swallowed up by her care , but this is the way life is . Sucks for your
eldest but you can try and support him as much as you can. If he had inherited from his Dads side then your other child wouldn’t benefit from that. It’s the savagery of separation.

You said it....

"S/HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY"

A lot of it can depend very much on how the parent handles it. If they go in with no expectations of their in laws beyond being kind to the child when in the same company, then that’s more likely to engender closeness than making demands. I’ve known of cases where a fairly new partner has told the ‘MIL’ that she shouldn’t provide childcare for her grandchildren, or spend any time with said grandchildren, without offering the same for the ‘stepchild’. That went down exactly as you would expect.

Trying to force people into providing the family relationships you believe yourself/your child to be entitled to is almost guaranteed to result in a digging in of heels, and cementing opposition.

Those extended family relationships may be something parents want their child to have, but they aren’t something biological family will always offer. Despite this, some parents do seem to think that unrelated in laws have to provide them (oftentimes to compensate for the perceived failing of the biological family). Cue strife, disappointment, and bitterness.

OP @EWAB I've looked through your previous posts over a number of years. I think some posters on this thread are being a bit unfair in thinking it is all about you wanting to grab your DP's family's money for your own children equally.

It's apparent from a number of posts over most of the last decade that you are very heavily emotionally invested in both your own and DP's families treating step-children as if they were of the same status and relationship as biological children. You said somewhere you made it very clear to DP that you and DS1 came "as a package". But it's also really clear that both your own family and your DP's family don't see this as necessarily the case, and that over a number of years you've had multiple upsets / discussions / issues with both families over the issue.

This isn't a question of whether you or they are "right" in that step-children should be considered family in the same way as biological children. There's no generally, universally-accepted rule here. But your relatives and DP's simply don't see it this way, and you can't oblige them to agree with you.

Unless you accept that both sets of relatives simply don't agree with you and think the same way, you are going to continue to be upset and hurt, and that's not good for anyone, including you, DP and both your children. I think you are going to have to try to come to terms with the fact that your DP's family simply doesn't see your DS1 as "family" in the same way as DS2.

It's also worth noting that DP isn't in fact DS1's stepson - you aren't married. In some circumstances that might make a difference, or might not, depending on the particular person.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3265540-To-try-to-have-included-son-in-step-family

Exactly. There are so many different family dynamics. It is far better to arrange things so that adult children decide how their family money they inherit should be passed down to the next generation. You can get step children who come into the family onyl when they're at almost at leaving home age, who have had minimal contact with step grandparents. It doesn't really make sense for them to inherit any of their grandparents money, but where do you draw the distinction between how much of an "honorary grandchild" a step grandchild is? Who is "deserving" to be treated as an honorary grandchild. It varies in all families. Maybe the child was a baby when they came into the stepgrandparents lives and for a while they treated him like their own but then the child changed which biological parent they lived with over time and then let the relationship with their step grandparents dwindle. Anything could happen.