My husband and I had an argument about lies he’s been telling me recently. One of them was pretty big and one was tiny… but that’s what has annoyed me. He can’t even be honest lately about the small stuff. Neither of which he had to lie about.
I have huge issues with people in general because of stuff done to me in the past. He knows this and, cheesy as it is, we are very close usually. We rarely row - certainly not significantly- and things are pretty plain sailing.
I don’t want to share what he lied about. The point is that I’m upset that he wasn’t just simply honest with me. So last night we had an argument - a major one. I know this is bad, please don’t judge, but I recorded it without him knowing. I know why I did this. It’s because:
A) he can appear so confident about what he said / didn’t say that I second guess myself. I sensed that he would say stuff which he would deny then I look paranoid / confused
B) so I can listen again when calmer instead of being reactive
C) I always feel I need proof to protect myself. By protect myself I don’t mean physically or anything - just that I feel people see me as the bad guy or a bad person so I wanted proof that it wasn’t me / just me
In our argument he said, “Oh I forgot how talented you are at arguing”. I said how hurtful and unnecessary that was. It has really hurt me. Talented at arguing?! Who says that? I actually hate arguing… I swear I was a tortoise in a previous life because I hide away. I hide from confrontation. I don’t socialise. That’s how much I hate any drama or negativity. I don’t ever want to mix with people because I don’t even want to risk arguing or drama or hassle.
So I was upset. About an hour / 30 mins later he says, “I never said you were talented at arguing”. Yes he did. He still doesn’t know he’s recorded. He’s so confident but I listened to it again and he most definitely did say it. He also said some other quite unpleasant things such as, “I am not being unkind if I’m telling you a statement. If something is a statement, it isn’t unkind”. So I said, “if I said ‘you’re a bastard’ that would be a statement but also unkind so that’s not true”. My other issue is that other people are allowed to be upset and offended about what life throws at them but I’m not allowed to be upset. I have to take other people’s comments, swallow them down and say nothing. For the first time, I have put a boundary in place about how I’m treated and now this happens.
In the end, I asked him to leave me alone. I stayed in our room and he stayed downstairs. I asked that he slept on the sofa which he did. I sobbed. More than I’ve cried in years. I cried so hard I felt like all my tears that I had ever cried were being cried all over again.
He’s my best friend, I just cannot believe he said I am talented at arguing…. It’s hurt me a lot.
He was out all day at work today and when he came back we watched tv. He spoke to me normally, I have short answers. I’m not doing that to be dramatic. I’m doing it because of what he said last night.
I’m struggling a lot atm. He knows that. Life is throwing me sour lemons from all angles atm. His comment has significantly hurt me. I feel very disconnected atm from everyone and everything and now this.
What’s worse is that this has gone the way I feared
- He said something that he now denies. In the past, I’d doubt myself but this time I have a recording
- He spoke to me normally so now my feelings are discarded
I really think I was a tortoise previously. I appreciate the irony of posting on here but I have had enough. I just want to go and hide in a cave somewhere (not literally) but be left alone. I’ve always said that if people can’t ‘not’ hurt me can they just leave me alone. But he is starting to say some pretty unpleasant things.
How would you feel if someone said you’re talented at arguing when they know it’s your number 1 hate to argue. He knows I don’t ever argue with anyone - if someone tries to start an argument I block them and stop all communication, hiding away and avoiding it. It’s upset me so much I now can’t sleep