Page 7 | Family always leave me out at Christmas…

CoolMoose · 2024-12-25T18:30:02+00:00

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything. Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s). So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day. AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

Original poster

CoolMoose · 27/12/2024 00:00

There are mixed reactions from my sisters. One sister is annoyed at me and says I should be grateful that my parents are trying their best, the other rang me and said she didn’t realise I felt that way but she thinks I misunderstand my parents good intentions. She also said that my stepdad hasn’t been well (which I knew nothing about) so I should think about my decision to raise this because it’s very stressful for parents.

My DH family are lovely, but they live so far away and my biological dad has been zero contact since I was about 11 and he went off to live in another country with his new wife.

OP posts:

ThePoshUns · 26/12/2024 22:40

Your mother is cruel and toxic. She's annoyed because you have called out her callous behaviour.
Well done to you for standing up for yourself.
Are your sisters supportive of you or are they happy to go along with the happy family charade?

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 22:38

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/12/2024 22:28

How are things going to be different? They certainly can't get any worse for you. It seems like they consider you auxiliary family, not good enough for the real holiday.

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It sounds like they’ve been looking for an excuse to completely ostracise OP altogether and also they’re probably slightly angry/ashamed she’s called them out on their poor behaviour. They certainly should he ashamed - of themselves.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/12/2024 22:28

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

How are things going to be different? They certainly can't get any worse for you. It seems like they consider you auxiliary family, not good enough for the real holiday.

Lifesingflowers · 26/12/2024 22:22

Wow this is just evil the way they are treating you and your family. Feel so sorry for you and the kids. If they don't want an relationship with you maybe its time for you to move on. Block them all

Mummypig101 · 26/12/2024 22:15

My mum treated me like this too. I was the scapegoat while my 3 sisters were the favourite. I was never welcome to anything and if I visited it would be awkward because they didn’t want me there. I was a very unloved and uncared for child so the signs were there. I finally went NC when she began treating the grandchild the same way with my children being the forgotten ones. I’ve never looked back and I’m so relieved they’re out of my life.
Your mum is a bully, she knows she treats you differently and doesn’t like being called out. Don’t let your children grow up around this behaviour it could damage them too.

blubberyboo · 26/12/2024 22:13

Do you ever ask your sisters what they think? Do they not think it strange you are always left out? Why don’t they speak up to their mum?

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 22:04

TwoSwansFromMyWindow · 26/12/2024 21:53

I agree, there will be a reason.Are your kids a handful? Does your DH get vry drunk? Do you think they like him well enough in general?

It's crap for you, I know, but there will definitely be a reason.

Edited

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Did you not see the updates? This is clearly the likely reason :

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.
OP

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 22:03

Your mum is awful 😞 it’s sad that she’s let a man into her family who treats one of her children as inferior and she’s joined in too.

Sounds like they all see you as some sort of scapegoat too. Definitely consider going low contact with them all. For your siblings to go along with this all reflects poorly on them too too.

Koalakaption · 26/12/2024 21:58

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

Disgusting behaviour from your parents, they don’t even deserve the title. I’m so sorry they are treating you like this

bellocchild · 26/12/2024 21:55

At least tell your mother why you are cutting contact. She may not realise how much her failure to include you hurts.

TwoSwansFromMyWindow · 26/12/2024 21:53

Dancingontheedge · 25/12/2024 18:39

There’s got to be more to the story than this.
Do they…
dislike your husband?
find your children challenging?
have always favoured siblings over you?
argue with one or more of your family whenever you come to visit?
are just nasty people to be avoided?

Do you see them or your sisters at other times of the year?

I agree, there will be a reason.Are your kids a handful? Does your DH get vry drunk? Do you think they like him well enough in general?

It's crap for you, I know, but there will definitely be a reason.

alwayslearning789 · 26/12/2024 21:43

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP sending hugs.

She is mad because it's been called out in the open and there is no hiding from the facts whilst they are all together in your absence without you being invited.

Things will be different, because you are not pretending you cannot see it and neither can they anymore.

Take Care and am glad that you have your own family to focus on. Best Wishes

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2024 21:43

So sorry, OP. Check out the Stately Homes thread and read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

Do you have a good relationship with your (biological) dad and with your PILs? If so I'd focus on them if I were you.

Also, your mum and stepdad sound like a lost cause tbh, so I'd stop making an effort with them, but if you have (or had) a good relationship with your siblings, it would be a shame to lose them. So maybe try and maintain bonds with your siblings if you can without getting your mum involved.

December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet

New thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5233578-december-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

LushLemonTart · 26/12/2024 21:39

muggart · 26/12/2024 21:37

That's awful. I remembered when my DM first told me she didn't want me there for Christmas, I was 19 and the rejection has forever changed our relationship. It wasn't like I had an alternative family to spend it with.

Focus on your relationship with DH and wash your hands of your own family. You don't need them, painful though it is to accept that.

That's awful. I hope you're OK now?

LushLemonTart · 26/12/2024 21:38

Wow toxic or what! Sounds like it's mum who's using you as someone to bully. Leaving people out is a form of bullying.

She's angry because she can't play her wicked game with your emotions. Please keep being strong. We're behind you ❤️

muggart · 26/12/2024 21:37

That's awful. I remembered when my DM first told me she didn't want me there for Christmas, I was 19 and the rejection has forever changed our relationship. It wasn't like I had an alternative family to spend it with.

Focus on your relationship with DH and wash your hands of your own family. You don't need them, painful though it is to accept that.

Bertielong3 · 26/12/2024 21:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Lollypop701 · 26/12/2024 21:29

Don’t back down… but do what you’ve always done get what you’ve always got.

when people show you who they are believe them and only offer what you are happy to offer without detriment to you. Your mum knows… is kicking off to deflect because she got found out… you don’t need to be grateful for being treated as a second class child

if you refuse to accept her shoddy behaviour it can be freeing op. No more eggshells to walk on with her…

wp65 · 26/12/2024 21:14

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

Stand your ground, OP. Realistically, given that they were capable of treating you like this in the first place, they were never going to suddenly see the error of their ways because you said you were feeling hurt.

They are toxic, and cruel. You are not the problem here. Don't allow them to convince you that you're the one being difficult.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 26/12/2024 20:07

Stand your ground

HoundsOfHelfire · 26/12/2024 20:04

It’s rather nasty to exclude one family member. Tell your sister you’re deeply upset that they lied and excluded you and that it’s odd your mum has opted to have a toddler tantrum rather then treat you as the family members you are.

Original poster

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

OP posts:

Aibuquestiononrelationship · 26/12/2024 17:17

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:36

There’s no reason that I can understand. That’s one of the reasons I really struggle with it.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

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This.

The other 2 are both their children. Sadly this may be the reason.

Irridescantshimmmer · 26/12/2024 14:53

Leaving you out at xmas is cruel.

I understand it is hard, so I suggest your DM either delegates tasks to you and your siblings to cook certain foods and bring cooked foods to your parents house so you can all celebrate together and no one is being left out because leaving you out and lying to you as well is pretty shameful.

People in their 60s are not elderly, they are middle aged.