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Original poster

He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

238 replies

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 02:00

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

OP posts:
Plastictrees · 28/12/2024 19:37

tolerable · 28/12/2024 18:59

Are you involved with support from woman's aid?
If you tell me your area I will ask my advocacy if they can suggest who can help you.
Document every thing.Have your parents write letter of concern . supporting what he's pulled as Christmas stunt.for swk and court.
Even if you wanted to,it's impossible to not feel OCD level,it's torture,24/7.and makes no sense.
X

Please take this poster up on their offer OP.

Mayana1 · 28/12/2024 19:34

tolerable · 28/12/2024 13:01

is that even relevant?
@Birdofpain keeping you n wee one in my thoughts.I know just how hellish this all is. stay strong x

Show quote history

It is. Looking for an advice. Then you suppose to write it the way people will understand.
I do fell sorry for the OP, as much I could understood. Hope court will sort her out, I really do. I have a little one too and being separated from a child is unimaginable pain for a mother.

tolerable · 28/12/2024 18:59

Are you involved with support from woman's aid?
If you tell me your area I will ask my advocacy if they can suggest who can help you.
Document every thing.Have your parents write letter of concern . supporting what he's pulled as Christmas stunt.for swk and court.
Even if you wanted to,it's impossible to not feel OCD level,it's torture,24/7.and makes no sense.
X

Plastictrees · 28/12/2024 18:48

I’m so sorry OP. You really need sound legal advice asap. Sending you strength 💐

Peopleinmyphone · 28/12/2024 18:41

Birdofpain · 28/12/2024 17:27

It’s been really hard. I normally see him twice a week and it’s been nearly two weeks now without seeing him. I had to go in another room on Christmas Day when my family spoke to him. He is asking where’s mummy? My family didn’t indulge the lies being told so ex said ‘she’s still in the plane’. He has broken the court order as he is to make child available for reasonable contact but I am just broken inside and frightened that his narrative will be believed as it sss before despite the evidence to contrary, I have to say I am ‘obsessed’ it goes round and round and round in my mind. What have I actually done to these people? Why and how can a social worker be dishonest? How can I fall so badly between the cracks? I think somewhere there days with court cases it is far less about what is true and more so on who can ‘win’ at any cost. That is two Christmas in a row I’ve been denied contact. I think I can do a ‘C2’ enforcement. I also need to think that this time I am initiating and it’s in private proceedings and it won’t be like before. But still. My only concern is that my child has had the rug pulled from underneath them and the pain that will cause when we have been spending quality time doing so much fun things together and really really loving being together. To nothing. I’m not allowed now he says to go to the reading sessions on the dates I’ve been given. Though he can’t stop me, he said it will distress my child because they won’t understand why I am there when I’m meant to be too ill to see them.even though I spent two hours on phone to social services where my child now is, another borough explaining the entire thing beginning to end and asking for them to do a child in need for emotional harm, that the new law states children are victims of domestic abuse by proxy of them experiencing the coercive control to me, which is happening but they can’t do anything which is just boggling. Emotional harm doesn’t seem to be a concern. What would you do?

It's not a long term solution but getting a Christmas card and present to him might help him (and you!) emotionally. Maybe your family could visit with a present from you if ex is happy to talk to them?

Is your child at school or nursery? You could also reach out to them, not with the full story but just to say you're worried that your child will be missing you as his normal routine of seeing you has been disrupted, and then his teachers might offer him a bit of emotional support when he goes back to school, which could also give you peace of mind.

Long term you need legal advice. Take care.x

Original poster
Birdofpain · 28/12/2024 17:27

It’s been really hard. I normally see him twice a week and it’s been nearly two weeks now without seeing him. I had to go in another room on Christmas Day when my family spoke to him. He is asking where’s mummy? My family didn’t indulge the lies being told so ex said ‘she’s still in the plane’. He has broken the court order as he is to make child available for reasonable contact but I am just broken inside and frightened that his narrative will be believed as it sss before despite the evidence to contrary, I have to say I am ‘obsessed’ it goes round and round and round in my mind. What have I actually done to these people? Why and how can a social worker be dishonest? How can I fall so badly between the cracks? I think somewhere there days with court cases it is far less about what is true and more so on who can ‘win’ at any cost. That is two Christmas in a row I’ve been denied contact. I think I can do a ‘C2’ enforcement. I also need to think that this time I am initiating and it’s in private proceedings and it won’t be like before. But still. My only concern is that my child has had the rug pulled from underneath them and the pain that will cause when we have been spending quality time doing so much fun things together and really really loving being together. To nothing. I’m not allowed now he says to go to the reading sessions on the dates I’ve been given. Though he can’t stop me, he said it will distress my child because they won’t understand why I am there when I’m meant to be too ill to see them.even though I spent two hours on phone to social services where my child now is, another borough explaining the entire thing beginning to end and asking for them to do a child in need for emotional harm, that the new law states children are victims of domestic abuse by proxy of them experiencing the coercive control to me, which is happening but they can’t do anything which is just boggling. Emotional harm doesn’t seem to be a concern. What would you do?

OP posts:
user1493379562 · 28/12/2024 16:03

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Apologies to any social workers on here but I simply do not trust them after my experience. I have a friend of over 30 years who applied for custody of her grandchild. Her son and the mother of this grandchild (never married) split up and the mother's neighbours reported her for neglecting her children, leaving the said grandchild in a cot all day etc. The mother had, had previous contact with social services and the children were all taken off her and put into foster care. The family who were fostering my friend's grandchild wanted to adopt the child. My friend knew that if this happened she would never see her grandchild again unless they sort her out when the grandchild was an adult. My friend's son wanted to apply for custody but because of his circumstances was not deemed suitable. Social services sent me a long questionnaire about my friend which I dutifully filled out and returned. I was then told Social services would be coming to interview me. No problem except they didn't! Instead they interviewed the elderly neighbour's of my friend whom my friend used to do errands for but they barley knew her. Fortunately my friends son had employed the services of a solicitor to put his side of the families circumstances in court. The social worker tried to say my friend was in an abusive relationship with her husband. My friend who is very vocal demanded to know where the hell she had got that idea from. She had actually said her marriage had, had it's ups and downs like most marriages and she had been divorced for 13 years! The social worker tried to twist everything my friend said. We have no doubt the social worker thought the foster family who wanted to adopt the child was in her opinion was a better option. Anyway my friend won custody of her grandchild but no thanks to the social workers!

tolerable · 28/12/2024 13:01

Mayana1 · 24/12/2024 23:14

I have no clue what you are saying. Ok, I admit, English is not my first language. Still I can understand majority of written stuff. But you are a mystery.

Show quote history

is that even relevant?
@Birdofpain keeping you n wee one in my thoughts.I know just how hellish this all is. stay strong x

Mayana1 · 24/12/2024 23:14

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 03:16

See if what had happened and was happening had been put to the court then you’d expect that. This is my first time initiating. I ‘won’ the others times he’s tried. But by this point I was unfit to even say what colour the sky was. Hence the police involvement with gathering up evidence. I just don’t have any faith in the authorities after what they allowed to have happen and to even engineer it to happen. It’s only the LA. Every other professional is horrified at this but had no power to intervene. That being said I am disheartened that other sw and professionals agreed with me and were aghast at what they were watching unfold yet they would whistleblow and I cannot fathom that. I tell you now, I am the first on to take the blame. I forever think I’m the problem, I’m at fault, I caused this. I don’t for a second think I’m great and it’s all a conspiracy. What I cannot understand is why the dv was ignored. Why things like ‘this mum has a penis’ and I’m saying no I don’t? I can provide doctors letters saying I don’t have a penis. I can SHOW you that I don’t have a penis. But then it will be ‘she cannot accept that she has a penis. She has no insight’ that is the gist of all I had to contend with. You have done X. I prove I have not using a 3rd party piece of evidence. Well you still did X’ shut down. It should chill the bones of you all what goes on as I’m sure I won’t be the last

I have no clue what you are saying. Ok, I admit, English is not my first language. Still I can understand majority of written stuff. But you are a mystery.

WildViper · 24/12/2024 22:03

Why has it taken you over a year to go to court for your son can't care as much as your making out sorry all I read is victim mode in this thread when there's 2 sides and we don't know wtf you've done to have your child removed from your care. Responsibility on your own part seriously is questionable. My ex was extremely abusive tried allsorts as well no chance in hell would I allow him with or without mental health issues or did he get full access to my son yet yours has him full time 🤔🤔.

Ukrainebaby23 · 24/12/2024 21:41

Sorry, haven't read full thread. Have a diary, journal etc so that your son can read it when he's old enough, what happened, how it made you feel what you tried to do.

I'm guessing child father is in some position of authority and uses that to influence people. Very sad and awful difficult to get round.
Do get allies for court, I don't have specifics but I'm sure the DV charities will have sone contacts.

Try to get a Merry Christnas son, Im doing everything I can to see you, but don't worry, you'll be fine and I will too but I miss you lettter to him.

Hope it's not as awful as you expect.

nfk · 24/12/2024 21:26

Plastictrees · 24/12/2024 18:08

‘I’m glad your mental health assessment is now normal’?! What does that even mean?

Show quote history

OP said, in one of her updates, words to the effect that her mental health has been assessed as normal.

I was noting that I was pleased to read that.

Plastictrees · 24/12/2024 19:13

Tandora · 24/12/2024 18:54

as we have experience to see this behaviour for what it is

Sorry but professionals get this wrong ALL THE TIME

Show quote history

As a psychologist, I agree.

Tandora · 24/12/2024 18:54

pookie999 · 24/12/2024 17:23

I was a social worker and have worked for Cafcass. The only situation I can think of where both parents would not be assessed that I can think of is firstly if they asked not to be included; secondly, if they continually failed to attend appointments or respond within a reasonable time frame. Even if the parent was in prison, hospital, rehab or psychiatric unit, we would still interview them and request assessments from relevant professionals.
I would request a copy of all assessments relating to the case. Be clear about evidence and facts; you're wrong if you think professionals would be hoodwinked by the father as we have experience to see this behaviour for what it is.
You're not explaining what's really going on
Maybe professionals feel you project everything onto the father rather than talk about yourself and your situation. Just saying

Show quote history

as we have experience to see this behaviour for what it is

Sorry but professionals get this wrong ALL THE TIME

Plastictrees · 24/12/2024 18:08

nfk · 24/12/2024 17:35

There is a substantial backstory, because OP has posted before (and think more than once)

OP: I am glad your MH assessment is now normal. I hope it remains that way.

I'm not sure posting a partial story in AIBU is going to get you advice that will be helpful

Show quote history

‘I’m glad your mental health assessment is now normal’?! What does that even mean?

stonejam · 24/12/2024 17:40

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 02:59

I'd quite like to know the backstory which allowed an abusive man to have main custody

I thought the mother was usually more favoured for that

Which would make me think substance abuse may be a part of the backstory?

You're also in another country but want contact, a man would be slaughtered on here for daring to leave his child like that

I’m going take a guess and a say a very clever narcissistic man who totally uses psychological abusive and presents well to professionals. Not always substance abuse. Sadly, this isn’t that rare

Ladyoatcookies · 24/12/2024 17:38

nfk · 24/12/2024 17:35

There is a substantial backstory, because OP has posted before (and think more than once)

OP: I am glad your MH assessment is now normal. I hope it remains that way.

I'm not sure posting a partial story in AIBU is going to get you advice that will be helpful

Show quote history

I’m not completely sure what you’re referring to as I didn’t see previous posts, but I suspect you’re referring to mental health concerns which is what I suggested upthread?

nfk · 24/12/2024 17:35

oakleaffy · 22/12/2024 10:24

''I could have been the worst parent on the planet but almost all parents should still see their children when it’s safe (which is is) to do so.''

{Cut and paste direct quote from op}

There must have been a really substantial back story here.

Courts should always put the Child's safety and wellbeing first.

Show quote history

There is a substantial backstory, because OP has posted before (and think more than once)

OP: I am glad your MH assessment is now normal. I hope it remains that way.

I'm not sure posting a partial story in AIBU is going to get you advice that will be helpful

pookie999 · 24/12/2024 17:23

harriethoyle · 22/12/2024 18:31

Why didn’t you appeal the original decision if you want to exhaust the legal channels?

Show quote history

I was a social worker and have worked for Cafcass. The only situation I can think of where both parents would not be assessed that I can think of is firstly if they asked not to be included; secondly, if they continually failed to attend appointments or respond within a reasonable time frame. Even if the parent was in prison, hospital, rehab or psychiatric unit, we would still interview them and request assessments from relevant professionals.
I would request a copy of all assessments relating to the case. Be clear about evidence and facts; you're wrong if you think professionals would be hoodwinked by the father as we have experience to see this behaviour for what it is.
You're not explaining what's really going on
Maybe professionals feel you project everything onto the father rather than talk about yourself and your situation. Just saying

DeepRoseFish · 24/12/2024 14:47

Merrychristmastome1 · 22/12/2024 09:59

Honestly, if I ask him to help in the house I'm told I'm abusive. I'm literally traumatised by the relationship but honestly, reading this just makes me more certain I'll never leave.
I'd love to know what "evidence" these abusive men are presenting again their abused partner. I'm scared I'm monitored and recorded. Not that I do anything bad but I'm honestly in hell.

Edited
Show quote history

Can you leave when the kids are old enough to decide where they want to be?

I’m so sorry that you are trapped in this way. He sounds vile.

tolerable · 24/12/2024 14:22

Am relieved to catch up n read replies that suggest positive possible next moves. I cant pretend theres anything good about the fact there are others -who can attest to the awful reality THIS IS HAPPENING,not a one off situation,not even only in one area-the actual evidence is- generally silenced.
Possibly because of shared scenario- lived experience - it was really distressing several of the initial responses jamp straight into doubt\accusatory tone. Leaning toward or close as gets to suggest op must be delulu/liar. -based on No way that can happen..its not the remit. That wuld rely entirely on the procedure rules/guidlines being implemented. Honesty,transparency and above all-without exception the focus ALWAYs be's on the child-safety\wellbeing and if of age-opinion...This "failure" requires more than one "proffesional" opinion ; it gets voiced/wrote up as "facts" Despite no actual evidence. Actual real documented history re ex/dad being known abuser -ge
ts ignored. doesnt make the swk report.
It is a living hell-absolute state enforced torture and torment.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 24/12/2024 13:13

Katypp · 24/12/2024 12:52

I am sorry, but I think the liklihood of the mother being denied residency and banned from school on the-so of the child's father is vanishingly unlikely.
We are not getting the whole story here.

You'd be surprised. It does happen.

The trouble is, when things go badly wrong in the system, trying to get it addressed in a calm and rational manner whilst hamstrung by lengthy bureaucratic process is a Herculean task.

I've experienced it to a degree, though in very different circumstances, and I've seen it happen to others.

By the time people are desperate enough to try and get attention for their situations they do start to sound completely unhinged. Until you've been there, you do believe "this or that couldn't possibly happen", then when it does, despite having proof in black and white, it gets thrown back as your mental problem. Institutional gas-lighting really does happen.

Due to the lengthy processes, and multi-agency opinions, and differences of such, every day that passes represents further breakdown of relationships between families, which creates a never ending feedback loop of obfuscation and more hurdles to be overcome.

One family can have a huge number if people "involved", some will meet the family, some will just have case notes and opinions to rely on, very rarely is it a smooth, logical process.

I wish the OP well - the whole truth if their situation sounds complex. Being forcibly separated from one's child is traumatic in any circumstance, and is always painted as an absolute last resort. It's far more complex in custody cases with parents pitted against each other, and sometimes frankly enabled by the state.

Katypp · 24/12/2024 12:52

I am sorry, but I think the liklihood of the mother being denied residency and banned from school on the-so of the child's father is vanishingly unlikely.
We are not getting the whole story here.