I REALLY can't decide whether to have a child or not - HELP

A lot of people saying if you aren't 100% sure you shouldn't. And I do respect that position.

However, I didn't want DC, DH convinced me. I thought knew children are smelly, dirty, time-consuming, sleep-depriving, expensive and often not who you want them to be.

In our case, my realism was great. DD was indeed a non-sleeping monster who ruined my sleep forever However, she is also the best person I have ever met, and the joy I feel being her mum was surprising. People who desperately want children are often the other way around. They know the love will be there and aren't thinking about the cost, both emotional and financial.

The one thing I would say is that DH has always done a LOT of housework, admin and support. If yours is even slightly sexist, even a little bit lazy, even a tiny bit of an arsehole, don't do it.

You will be tired, poorer, have less time to do an increased number of things, stressed , and worried. If you’re not certain you want children I wouldn’t.

Motherhood is wonderful but it is hard.

To me, a child is a whole lot of extra love, as well as responsibility. You give loads and you get loads back from that special bond.

My son is an adult ( I had him when husband and I were young)
I would definitely have raised son differently with the benefit of hindsight-
But many parents who look at themselves critically and honestly feel the same. Edit : we get on really well despite parental failings, luckily!)

Divorce is especially hard on children.

Please don't have a kid to stop you from being lonely.

Tghe overwhelming reponse on MN will be don't do it unless you are certain.
I was exactly the same as you but 36.
I never liked children, never wanted children. Similar to @MrsTerryPratchett .

Assumed one day I would wake up with this mysterious urge to have them but I didn't.
DH felt similar. We had a good life, had been together for 18 years and were comfortably off.
We did it. I was immediately terrified that I had made a mistake. It was a big adjustment after a life together without children but almost 30 years later it remains the very best decision I ever made. I had two DC who were and still are the joy of my life.
They were brilliant at every age though the baby stage was the hardest.
If I hadn't had them I would never have known this and would undoubtedly have been content, at least for many years.

Also FWIW I still don't like or have any interest in babies or small children. Only my own.

If you are really having to debate that hard the answer should probably be 'no'. I don't think having kids should be the automatic, default position. It's fine not to. In fact it's better not to if you aren't sure.

I'm sure someone will have said this in 78 posters, but teenagers are frequently horrible. Don't just think about the baby or the toddler, so you want a teenager in 15 years time. im sure many posting here with positivity won't have had teenagers yet.

Have a read of this thread posted this morning

I don't want to live with my kids anymore www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5231458-i-dont-want-to-live-with-my-kids-anymore

Also post teens - helping them buy a property and navigate first break ups- one never stops “worrying” about one’s children, no matter how old they are.

I have a child. One child. As soon as he was born I regretted it. It’s the life I have to live, you see. The things you have to do as a family, the sacrifice you have to make. It’s never been me and I’m often lonely around other families. I too believed DH would be.a wonderful dad. In some ways he is, but he’s an obsessive dad and old school in a way which borders on abusive at times, which I failed to foresee.
Do I regret the fact of my child’s existence? No. For all that, he is happy. Would I ‘stand in front of a train’ for him? Yes, I love him and I feel as if I would. Do I regret choosing this life? 100%.

It is a tough decision, I think I always knew I would.

I however wouldn't take another year to decide. TTC can be a journey of its own and can take years to conceive a baby and that increases as age increases.

If I were you, while you're deciding, start tracking ovulation, take pregnancy supplements and then if you make the decision to go ahead then you already know the ins and outs of TTC and if you decide not to, then no harm in having that extra knowledge!

If I wasn’t certain, i wouldn’t. Having a child can be incredibly hard, and/or incredibly wonderful. You don’t know what you’ll get - what if you have a terrible pregnancy, twins, a seriously iI well child or a child who has such severe SEN you can’t work or take holidays.

And even when it goes easily, there is the birth, pnd, colic, toddler tantrums, the impact on your relationship with dp, the struggle to re-establish your sense of self, the years and years of being “needed”, the guilt of you decide not to give dc a sibling .

I wouldn’t risk my happy life if I wasn’t certain adding a child was “necessary”

l was like you OP. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a baby but then he arrived. I did not enjoy the baby stage at all, found toddler stage exasperating and funny and have loved it since, he’s 14 now.
I’ve made a lot of friends through his various sports and I have learned a LOT about myself through parenting him. I am honest so glad I had him. He’s opened up a whole world to me I’d not have experienced otherwise. He also keeps me young, I keep up with what life is like for teenagers. And it’s not all bad, regardless of what people will say about teens being horrific.

I had done a lot of partying and travelling before I became a mum so I’ve never felt like I missed out on anything. And now he’s at the age where I regularly go for weekends away, or a week in the sun, with friends or DH.

If you’d asked me when I was in the trenches I’d have said no, don’t do it. But as life moves on, and it always moves, your perspective changes.

Having a child has the potential to be the greatest relationship you will ever experience in your life, nothing comes close to it. However it's with risk, sacrifice, a lot of extremely hard work. But with that comes the rewards. Nothing worthwhile is easy. Unless it keeps you awake at night, I wouldn't do it. Best of luck to you.

If you really aren't sure, then you should not do it.

Yes, I agree with this. And if you're that kind of person then it is essential that all your instincts are telling you to do it, because that means a lot to you and it probably is a huge warning flag if you don't feel instinctively certain. That isn't how I make any of my decisions, and it's not how I expect to feel about any decisions.

A friend of mine was absolutely horrified that I didn't feel like my DH is the one and only person that I could ever be happy with, and that I hadn't felt that way about him from very early on in the relationship (indeed, DH and I spent months and months in a sort of 'will we, won't we'). She said she couldn't imagine marrying without having that absolute certainty and wasn't I terribly troubled by it? It was quite hard to bite my tongue and not point out that DH and I have been together 16 years, and in that time she's been absolutely certain, completely certain, about three different guys, two of whom she married...

This is a helpful and interesting article about the possible regret of not having one aspect.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids

I agree, I think it’s so much worse to realise you shouldn’t have done it than not do it and wonder. I know a number of people who clearly should never have become parents and it’s quite obvious and a really tough way for a child to grow up.

I don't think you should.

I desperately wanted children. Went through ten years of early and late miscarriages to get the two that we have.

It was so soul destroyingly hard. It still is.

I love them more than anything or anyone, I'm overjoyed that I got to meet and raise them.

But I constantly worry about whether I am doing the right thing or fucking them up, every nasty news story has me imagining new horror that could happen to them.

I can only imagine adding regret on top of all that would be unbearable.

Since you’re asking on a public forum, I would say go for it. You don’t know how it will take you to conceive or how the pregnancy will go anyway. You just have to be 100% ok with the fact that sleep, free time and meeting your basic needs are hard to come by so try small children. There is some good stuff about parenting too…

Think it's worth saying some people's personality is to never be sure. My DH is a chronic overthinker and if he had to wait to be 100% on something he'd still be in his mother's uterus! He hates change and decision making. He found the good place uncomfortable to watch because he identified with Chidi.

He's an awesome dad, wouldn't change for world. But he literally would never be 100% on anything.

Do not have a child unless you absolutely feel compelled to do so from the bottom of your soul. Parenthood is extremely difficult so if you and your dh are not 100% sure, don't do it. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

For me the test is toddler/primary school. I can imagine myself with a baby but the minute I think about toilet training, toddler tantrums and the monotony of the school run I realise I'm not cut out to be a parent. So often we think about the baby stage and not beyond but it's the rest of it that we should (imo) be looking at too. Do you want your days/weekends/holidays dictated by kids. Can you picture how your life will change if your kids need to be in bed every night even at the weekend by 7 to avoid being tiny terrors?
I love kids so I'm not saying this to hate on parents at all. I just hope it's a helpful perspective.

I'm childfree and none of your potential drawbacks are true tor me.

The loneliness one is especially misguided. My late nan spent her last decade in sheltered accommodation with 40 other elderly people and only a handful had regular visitors. Most had no visitors at all. My nan had seven children and only one, my mum, ever visited. The residents all had low care needs so it wasn't like visiting someone with advanced dementia who had no idea if their family were there or not.

Loneliness is a major epidemic among the elderly, the vast majority of whom have children.

You'd definitely know if you wanted them so I wouldn't