I REALLY can't decide whether to have a child or not - HELP

I don't think anyone can tell you the answer, sorry. It's probably worse to regret doing it than not doing it.

I think if you're not 100% certain, you shouldn't. You can't back out of it after a year or so

If it’s that hard to decide, then don’t. If you wanted children you’d know

I think this might not be a popular opinion, but unless you are certain you want a child, you shouldn't have one.

You can't take that decision back.

I'd say if you can leave it or take it, you leave it.

I haven’t voted. Kids are really hard work, I didn’t think enough about that bit before having one. They also rarely do what you want. I don’t think you should unless you are 100% certain either. You can’t give them back.

OP I’m gloriously child free in my 50’s and I can assure you my life does not lack meaning and substance!

Children can be wonderful but they are only one part of any number of things you can have in your life.

My husband and I always knew we didn’t want to have children so it was never a tough decision for us, like it appears to be for you.

With so many wonderful options and opportunities available to you, if you’re not sure about having a child then I would suggest you don’t. There are a million ways to have a fulfilled life without them!

I had therapy because I couldn't decide and my biological clock was ticking. The therapy was very helpful. I basically realised that I didn't want to have children and would have been doing it because it's what society said I should be doing. A few years on, life is as rich and meaningful as it ever was and I have no regrets so far. Love my peace and quiet and freedom.

Sounds to me like you want one. Just go with your gut. It’s also your biological clock ticking making you feel this way. It ticks loudly when you get to the 34-35 mark if you haven’t had kids already.

If you think you would have a good/happy life without kids then I definitely wouldn't have them.

I think you'd know of you wanted them.

I think you’d know if you wanted a baby. I’m terrified of babies, not maternal etc but I desperately wanted to get pregnant from about 29/30. I have two teenagers now. Despite them both being planned and very much loved it’s been extremely hard. No regrets but I don’t know how I would have coped if I hadn’t been so desperate for children. I have lots of child free children and their lives are amazing.

this is what scares me most, the potential loneliness.

If this is your main driving factor for having a child then please don’t do it. We don’t have children for what they can do for us.

If you're not 100%, don't do it.
I also think biological clock might play a part - I had a couple of years where the urge was very strong, but it wasn't "me", just hormones!

The factors you are talking about - they are, basically, all about you, and not about the child. That says to me you're not that interested in a child for itself, which is absolutely fine, but therefore probably a good reason not to.

Scared of loneliness when older? That's a burden you're putting on the imaginary future child, who should be able to go off and live their life without having obligations to parents expected of them.
Many older people have very fulfilling lives where their children are off having their own lives elsewhere, so these things are pretty much unrelated.

Life isn't inherently more meaningful with a child. Plenty of people regret that decision.
Life has whatever meaning you choose to ascribe to it, so maybe take the year to consider more about who you are as a person, what you love, what you would like more of to make your life meaningful in itself. And take those actions.

I haven’t voted. I never wanted children and neither did DH, but we had a little ‘accident’. I was 40 him almost 50- of course we both love her to bits and she has us wrapped around her little finger. I’m so lucky and glad to have her-( we both are.)

Unlike you OP I was vocal about not wanting them, took contraception, even felt a bit peri, not a nice world to bring them in to. I’m not maternal, lots of reasons not to etc.

If you are asking these questions or sounds more like you do want a baby but are scared…. I think you should see what happens.

Edit just to say, we don’t have much help either. Elderly parents. I took a year off, went back part time. Not hybrid back then, we used parents and nursery.

Everyone is different of course but I had a child .I love him above anything but I wish I hadn't decided to get pregnant .
I felt uncertain like you and I thought I might regret it if I didn't have a child .
For me ,I think I'm the wrong personality - I worry too much , have probably done too much for him..
He's lovely , and very kind , and works. Lives at home . Friends, but at 30 , has had no relationships .
The unhappiest time of my life were his school years and the constant worry. I live with his dad but he's a very absent person.
Not involved and not supportive.
I think unless you're sure, don't do it .

You sound like you do want kids op. I speak as someone also unsure who is now at 42 still unsure, but trying.

Don't do it.

I wanted a child more than absolutely anything, and I was lucky enough to have one. It's really, REALLY hard work. Some people admittedly do have it a lot easier if they have family around to step in, but frankly you can't expect or assume that'll happen. It's a lifelong commitment that will potentially damage your body, relationship, mental health, finances, career... I feel like if you are on the fence that's a very firm sign to not do it. Kids deserve to be born to parents that really want them. If you have doubts, then it's a no. It's too big a decision to just wing it and see what happens.

If you aren't sure don't do it. You never know what life holds. Both of my DC (had them in my early 30s, no family history) have very complex needs. Life is incredibly difficult. I really wanted kids and it was something I was prepared to sign up for (even though I thought is is something only happens to others). If you and DH are happy, not really fuzzed, just enjoy life! Nothing wrong with nothing having DC. I will not have DC that look after me when I am older but I will leave very vulnerable children behind instead. It's a horrid thought.

No - if you're not 100 % don't do it. Make some new friends or get a dog if you're worried about loneliness. Kids will leave and do their own thing. They aren't there to keep you company. Though having a new, growing person around can be incredible and life affirming, it's also exhausting, expensive, limiting and burdensome.

As suggested upthread, counselling might help you work it out but do it now when age is still on side.

I was indifferent to children in early 20s but became very broody by 24 or so, I couldn't visualise my life without a few kids, that's just the way I was. By contrast my sister never had the urge. Truth is I'm envious of her life, mine has been drudgery for the last 17 years. Not that I don't adore them but they suck the life out of you. But I could never have found peace without them, in a way it didn't feel like a choice. I envy my sister because while we both got what we wanted but she got the much easier life, if that makes any sense.

It must be hard to decide OP. Whatever you choose is the right answer for you and the most important thing is to live a life without regret. If you are childfree you will have moments of longing, but remember parents have these moments too (a lot in my case!!)

I didn't want children very badly and now have 3 and I adore them. I never had a maternal feeling in my life and couldn't have been less interested in other people's babies.

You shouldn't unless you are 100%.

Also, having children doesn't necessarily mean you won't be lonely in old age.

I am childfree by choice and have always maintained I'd rather regret the decision not to have children than regret having a child. I'm 40 now and don't regret any of my choices.

There isn’t one perfect, right path. Only the one you take. If you’re looking to finally find the answer - well, that’s not going to happen. No decision is going to be perfect, and you’ll never know what the other road would have been like for you.

Agree with the suggestion to have counselling to help you explore this.

Timing has a lot to do with it. I desperately wanted my little miracle and was in the right head space for it. Still hard, but I was in the right place to make the changes to my life.

I'd done some travelling, I was happy not going out partying, I was in a place where I accepted sleepless nights. If I'd been in a different headspace with lots of plans and dreams to go to x, y, z destination over next couple of years or really enjoying going out on a Saturday night or whatever I would have found it even harder and that's where I can see resentment can seep in.

Got a non-sleeping boob addict. Didn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time for over the first year. I had a new life of contact naps, cosleeping snuggles and sleepy night feeds. It's a different pace of life. Had I been very my baby will sleep independently 7-7, I'll get my sleep etc etc I'd have been in for a miserable time trying to get baby to do that.

No sex for a solid year as baby wouldn't be put down and no family around to take baby. We both understood why, supportive, so ok. If you're not going into it 1000000000% ready it really can hit relationship hard.

Was right for me to have a child when I did. Can totally see why others would make a different choice.

FWIW I've desperately wanted each of my babies and it has still been the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't imagine putting myself through this if I was indifferent.

I was very like you @Atacrossroads25 at 33. In fact dh and were both pretty ambivalent. When one of us decided that they actually really wanted a child, the other was on board pretty quickly. We just needed someone to make that positive decision. We now have 2 teens, and whilst they are relatively easy and I love them, raising children is not cheap or easy! I once made the mistake of adding up what we’d spent on child care…. We could have had so many good holidays! But it is fascinating and rewarding (also exhausting). The lows are very low, and the sacrifices many, but the highs are high indeed. Just don’t move to the countryside before they are teenagers !