TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

I'm not sure that we can put our values on the Hansel and Gretel story. It's set at a time where famine was commonplace. At that point was it better for all of the family to stave to death, or some of the family to survive? Maybe leaving the children in the woods was less traumatic for the parents rather than watching them die? Either way, it's a situation that most of us are unlikely to have to ever choose between.

Or my ex husband

You're an 'educator in social services' (I'm an IRO and no idea what that means), and you're referring to child sexual abuse images as 'teen porn'?
Make it make sense 🫠

I haven't rtft but I am on the same page of some other single mums that have posted. Like them I am prioritising the children whilst they grow up. I won't be moving another man into my home, or having more children. I've dated but not had any relationships since splitting with their dad 4 years ago. I don't want a blended family. I've always been extremely careful who I have left my children with and that won't change. Only yesterday I was telling a colleague that I wouldn't get married again and as predicted she was shocked. I don't know why the default in society is to be living with a partner when it can put children at risk. I value my unit of 3 so much. As a society we need to come away from the idea that a woman must only be happy if partnered with a man.

I was an educator within social services for 4 years and two of the worst parents I came across included a GP father and his wife and separately - a teacher mother and her husband. Both set of parents had terrible attitudes and were so entitled and arrogant when their teens went into care.

Also generally even in the mainstream I definitely seen negative impacts of stepparents in a wide variety of families irrespective of social class.

I definitely feel more research and studies need to be done and results to be widely shared among professionals and even the wider public . As a society we all need to understand better what are risk factors for children - generally speaking not just regarding stepparents.

I had a friend who was well-intentioned and facilitated yearly contact between her child and ex who her lived in another part of Europe. He was extremely violent when he was with her and nearly killed her.

He contributes financially now and then and also calls now and then. She barely knows what goes on in her kids fathers life as he’s very secretive but still she insisted on that yearly unsupervised overnight contact despite my advising against it .

It later came out he was viewing videos involving upskirting of school girls, so teen porn (her kid was about 14 by then) she immediately stopped contact and actually said she wished she had listened to me to begin with.

The problem is society and authorities normalise contact with fathers who have violent histories, so women think they’re doing the right thing - but we don’t really know the risks.

Personally I think it’s too much of gamble. The stance is often “just because they’re violent to women doesn’t mean they’re dangerous to their own kid” but I feel there’s a much greater risk.

There are too many adults out there spending their whole life recovering from the trauma of their childhood. We need more prevention rather than just stepping in after the fact.

You are woefully naive if you think social workers don’t see a lot of abuse and neglect from “teachers, doctors, lawyers etc”. Or just a snob, not sure. The majority of the people we saw were deeply damaged by years of poverty and neglect themselves, but plenty of middle class or wealthy parents and stepparents are out there abusing their kids. They just don’t get caught as often or as quickly because of prejudices like the one you just stated.

in fact, the majority of the “kids gone off the rails and parental relationship has broken down” WERE “nice middle class families” with histories of divorce and a stepparent where the older children came second to mums nice new family unit.

A) no one said anything about "normal family", just that they didn't think children ever experienced "newsworthy abuse" while living with both parents, and b) there are plenty of "normal families" living in squalor, abuse, and neglect.

One study has estimated that 20% of abuse of children is perpetrated by both the child's biological parents together, and abuse of a child is still statistically more likely to be perpetrated by a bio parent than a stepparent. That doesn't mean most bio parents abuse. It means, that when child abuse has already occurred, the highest chance is that it will have been perpetrated by one or both of the child's biological parents.

Come on, have you read about these people? The are as far from "normal family" as can be. These were very obvious nutters - and its shocking no one intervened earlier to safe their child.

@Namechangefordaughterevasion I can't think of a single case where a child experiencing newsworthy abuse was in the care of both biological parents.

Here's one that was in court this week.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c704pl9nnzzo.amp

It's far from unknown for children to come to harm while living with both biological parents.

🤣

The most common type of harm to children from a step parent is physical violence ("punishment" or control based)

Sexual assualt is alot rarer I'd imagine

Well, yes. I often think of lions in this scenario - when a male takes over an existing pride he often kills any cubs. Some have suggested it's to bring the female into season again earlier so he can produce his own cubs, but also killing another's offspring prioritises his own genes.

Honestly, the number of children abused and murdered in their homes would drop dramatically if more single mothers adopted your approach. Time and time again there are threads on here where the OP has a boyfriend or step-father in her household who is treating her children absymally and OP is wringing her hands, not sure what to do and asking strangers on the internet for advice rather than immediately moving her child out of harms way. It is so disturbing when you read posts where OP has moved a man in after six months and clearly prioritises a relationship over her children’s welfare. I have young DC and if I split from their father it would be a cold day in hell before I let a man move in.

I find it infuriating when some on MN argue that stating the above is unfair because it is placing the blame for male violence on women. No. It is asking women to exercise a modicum of common sense, prioritise their child(ren) and do not move a man they barely know into their home.

Let’s not infantilise women. The risks are very clear. Absent learning difficulties or MH issues, there is no reason a woman with children cannot make sensible and safe decisions when it comes to a new relationship.

@Feelinglow27 Totally agree. I wrote on another thread that I would do a celebratory dance if DD one day tells me she is a Lesbian. The amount of absolute shit the majority of my friends put up with from their husbands and boyfriends, many of whom on paper you’d think are a catch and ‘good guys’…FML

This is wise. I had seen some evidence of some seemingly really good stepdads growing up but even then, when I dug beneath the surface of two of the “best” step dads - all was not exactly as it seemed.

One former friend had a lovely stepdad, he was so kind to her and all her friends. I had some great conversations with him as I was in my late teens/early 20s when I used to visit her house.

He actually was a genuinely super decent guy, her mum chose well. But I remember having a chat with my friend about her childhood and she said at age 9 when they began dating her little world changed. And while she knew he was a good man, who didn’t have any kids of her own and he didn’t move in until she was an adult , they made her feel like a constant third wheel and it was never the same in her household again with this unrelated male in it every day.

I was quite shocked because he was as nice as anything, but it just shows many children (not all) just don’t like it even if it’s a great guy like him. As a former educator I seen a lot of children’s behaviour decline when a new step-parental figure appeared on the scene.

The other case was extremely grim , so this girl had grown up her with her step dad from about age 5 after her dad died. When I used to go over to visit she seemed so close to him but not in a weird way. And he treated her the same as his bio daughters who came every weekend which I thought seemed lovely.

I lost touch with her in early teens after they moved out of our area, but I heard the parents split and of course she stayed in contact with the man she called her Dad.

When I was in my early 20s it came out that during a visit to see her “Dad” in his flat he had actually turned on her and raped her. I heard this from her cousin and he said the one “decent” thing the (Step) Dad had did was plead guilty so there was no harrowing trial.

I couldn’t believe this man had turned out to be like that. Makes you wonder how long he had viewed her like that? No one knows for sure of course, but apparently the woman was adamant she wasn’t abused by him growing up and this rape of her as an adult came totally out of the blue. She was slightly younger than me so about 18 when this happened.

There is another current thread on MN making exactly the same points about potential abuse risks by step fathers.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5230078-cw-child-abuse-why-do-mothers-not-protect-their-children-from-abusive-boyfriends?page=1

@anatomyk
I mean that it is disingenuous to deny that statistically a step parent (usually male) is far more likely to abuse children. No one is denying that biological parents also abuse children. However, it is statistically more likely that the abuse is carried out by a non biologically related parent.

@anatomyk
It is known as the Cinderella effect. Step children are more likely to be abused by a non biologically related partner.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

I hope normalising being a fully functioning adult woman who doesn’t have to have a partner or have to have kids to be considered such helps this to stop happening so much. Also better contraception especially for teenagers.

Everyone I know who splits up with their dcs biological dad has been instantly in serious relationships with other men. These are educated and financially stable women.

I agree with the very early poster that I hope my dd is gay or at least the pickiest straight woman on the planet as the general bar is so fucking low for straight men.

I also am coming round to an eye for an eye for child abusers. Fuck them, they deserve no compassion or respect from the rest of us. What does it say of a society when we put the welfare of adult abusers above that of the children they abuse. All the money housing these monsters in their special prisons where they don’t get attacked by the general prison population could be spent trying to help stop this happening in the first place.

https://pure.hud.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/20139792/Violence_against_children_by_stepparents_Chapter_FINAL.pdf

Yes, it’s a risk. I read somewhere that the most dangerous thing a mother can do is move an unrelated male partner to their home. I follow a social worker on instagram who posts a lot about safeguarding children who made me aware of this.

For that reason I have decided I will not live with a male partner until DC are grown up.

@anatomyk
Just a quick Google will show you reams of evidence
https://hope4hurtingkids.com/trauma-tragedy/abuse/risks-of-child-abuse-and-neglect-based-on-family-structure/
I am a teacher and safeguarding sessions have always referred to predictors of abuse. EG, a non biological partner ( usually a man not related to the kids ) is significantly more likely to harm any children in the home

A few posters saying yes but the women involved are often vulnerable and of low intelligence. That’s not an excuse. The males involved are also probably of low intelligence.

I'm totally with you, and this was my choice, too - having been raised by a single parent who had a new relationship that overshadowed everything else in her life. All was well, its just we, kids, were never a priority by a mile... But.

My mum always told me - "you kids will grow up, and I dont want to be on my own". And I think this is a price to pay. You say you found someone now - I dont know how old you are - I will be in the late 50s when my DC are ready to fly the nest (hopefully). I doubt I will find anyone. I'm being realistic, old unattractive worn out woman with not much money hardly going to have suitors lining up...

Of course having someone to share a life with you is lovely and so much better financially - my mum is a happy 70 year old now, living in a big house with her now husband. I most likely will be old, single and skint. But to me, my kids are more important. I always made shit choices when it came to men, I'm shit at relationships so I felt it will be safer for my kids not to be exposed to that. And, tbh, now I do like being single - its not a big deal. Just wish I had more money!

What I'm trying to say - Its a tough thing to navigate. It is possible to have a good relationship when you have kids, I know people who were raised by step dads who they adore. But moving someone in straight away is definitely a red flag - and in any situation your children should be a priority, not your new partner. Moving someone in within a few months and then having a new baby immediately is especially grim.

I actually think there's a huge fear of parental neglect/violence. Being scared of it doesn't mean it doesn't happen you know. Look at the cases over last year where mothers left their babies/toddlers to die alone whilst they went on holiday.

Abuse and violence comes from dysfunction. Alcoholism, lack of support, a variety of sources. I grew up seeing my sibling nearly killed in front of me by my biological mother because she had untreated PTSD. Don't call me disingenuous.

Can you post your stats source please, just for info as I'd like to read it.