To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

It can if they believe you

But it’s very awkward and difficult when the event turns out to be far more expensive than someone can afford. That’s a bit different than being invited to dinner at someone’s house, for example. And we’ve surely all seen people being guilt tripped into going - when they clearly can’t afford to.

I don't understand why you can't just say:

"Looking forward to seeing you all this weekend! I'm on a strict budget before Christmas and I need to keep things under £50 / insert amount so I'll just be coming for drinks after the meal / ordering the salad / not drinking."

They're your friends, I don't understand why this is a big deal. And then you don't have to miss out completely or risk jeopardising your long-term friendships..

I'm shocked at most people's go-to being to lie about illness or just cancel without explanation!

It might be the easiest option for the liar, but it is most definitely not easy to be on the receiving end of lies and last minute cancellations.

And the host will be hurt, and won't believe the lie. Or at the very least will have doubts as to whether you lied or not.

Yes it is fine to lie if asked "do you like my new hair cut".

No it is not fine to lie when leaving a friend in the lurch, cancelling agreed plans, or going back on what you previously said you would do.

And saying that money is a bit tight for you at the moment is hardly 'personal information'. Everyone understands that.

@Hoppinggreen lying really doesn't stop people being hurt.

I find it best to apologise without giving a reason: "I'm so sorry, I would love to be there but can no longer make it. Hope you guys have a wonderful time." Keep it positive and cheery.

If they then push, I say "Just have some things going on, will try and catch up with you soon".

As soon as you give a reason, people try to find solutions or judge on how good enough the excuse is.

It's not the easy option though.

It's super obvious when people do this, and it just damages the friendship, often permanently. OP can just drive and limit their spending. That's the easy option.

It’s a difficult one - I’ve been in your position OP where friends make considerably more than me and I simply can’t justify the cost of the meals/ weekends they want to go on. But then there have been a few threads on here recently about friends flaking on milestone birthday events which have really upset the birthday boy/ girl and meant they haven’t had a birthday celebration.

i think unless it’s going to get you into debt you’re going to have to suck it up and go if you consider this person a good friend. I wouldn’t limit what I eat and drink if the bill will be split evenly regardless - you not drinking or going for cheaper option is going to have little impact on how much you pay so you might as well have a good time.

maybe for your own milestone birthday book somewhere equally as expensive so you have a good time on your birthday.

another option is can you split a taxi or stay at a friends to at least reduce the travel costs?

Don’t outright lie, it’s just unnecessary. I’d send a message saying something like:

I’m so sorry for the late notice but I won’t be able to make the meal, had a couple of unexpected bills come out this month and with Christmas coming up I just can’t afford to eat out without stretching myself too thin. Hope you have a fabulous birthday, gutted to miss it xx

exactly and driving means you can't drink, so a ready made excuse to not split the bill with the drinkers if you don't want to disclose tight financials.

I suggest lying because its the easiest option for everyone sometimes
Stops them being hurt and also stops you having to give personal info you might not want to.
I don't see why its so outrageous - do people never lie to spare feelings or make situations easier?

Could you go buy just have tap water and a nann bread ? People wouldn't want to split that cost with you.

I think if you could send something like this, i’d do that:

“Hi all, can’t wait for the weekend, so looking forward to catching up with everyone. I just wanted to say up front that i’m a bit skint at the moment, so i’m going to drive and not drink rather than get an Uber in order to still be able to be there and celebrate our gorgeous Doris - it’s no big deal, just letting you know in advance so it’s not a thing on the night. See you soon! xx”

All these people saying they would tell bare-face lies!
To their friends!!
It gives me the absolute RAGE.😡
Why are people so selfish and dishonest.

Just say you can't afford it, money is tight, so you will only have a main and won't split the bill.
They would much rather you came and had a split bill than not come at all - which really spoils the event if numbers are already low.

If someone dropped out of a planned event due to last-minute illness or other issue, I would mentally flag them as flaky and not to be trusted (as it is not possible to know if they were lying).
If they did it a second time they would be cut out of my life.
I can't stand liars and flakes.

God don’t lie and give a pathetic excuse. Just be honest. If it were me I’d just say I’m trying to keep to a budget so will be getting a separate bill.

one of my friends always does this. Nobody cares. She pays her bit then we split the rest. Rather that than not see her!

People who assume people are lying... as you're telling the OP to lie 🤔

Easy then - don’t drink , and use your own car.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

She is your friend is she not?

Just tell her money is a bit tight for you at the minute so tell her you will be just paying for yourself, with it being close to Christmas.

A true friend would understand and help minimise your embarrassment too. I'd just tell everyone, if I were that friend, to just pay for yourselves.

People can be really weird about money and I don't tend to personally quibble over a few pounds and my friends know this.

However, if I am a bit skint, I will make it known beforehand so that everyone is aware (who needs to know) and that I will be paying for myself. I have never had anyone be funny with me or be nasty. Probably because I have good friends!

If the issue is that you can't afford the night out then don't go and offer to do something a bit cheaper and separate with her. Just be honest.

If they are close friends I'd say I need to save money but would like to meet again soon.

It upsets the birthday person!!

I agree; lots of people are a bit short just before Christmas.
These are presumably close friends who want your company, are you really going to lie and let them down?

in case you missed the thread from a few weeks ago, here is the perspective from the other side. Read the OPs post and responses from those who have been that person being let down, and decide if you are prepared to do that to some you call a friend https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5186792-people-dropping-out-of-my-40th-on-sat-should-i-cancel

To be honest, I'd rather be suspected of feigning illness than have the stress of being pushed to pay more than I can afford for a bunch of friends I'm not that close to.

OP, you obviously don't want to go and clearly cannot afford to. So don't go. The sun will still rise and set the next day. It's not as big of a deal as being made out by the majority here. People do actually catch viruses, get called into work or have family emergencies etc. People who can't understand this, and always assume others are lying, don't deserve this much angst.

Just contact a couple of days before and tell them you have caught something nasty, don't want to spread it to the group and don't want to steal focus from the birthday girl by looking so obviously unwell.

I also don't like split bills because I feel like I've got to look around and order based on what everyone else is.

If some people don't have starters, some go for cheaper options with their meals etc. I would hate to be someone who benefits from their more frugal choices so I'm more likely to choose something along those lines rather than opting for something that's a treat.