Mother in law

Is the OP still here?? Easy question - do you expect her to help with childcare when you go back to work?

I’m having a hard time following everything you wrote but it sounds like the kids love her and that she’s a grandmother who is physically able and still very active. 2 very positive things and not always a given, so I would cherish those aspects.
It also sounds like you’re quite controlling. Maybe I’m misreading this it sounds like you want to do everything with the kids and don’t like others (including your husband??) taking on roles or upsetting your planning. Gently op, you have 3 kids, it’s not like you’re not going to see them anymore after your maternity leave, and dad and mil can also have a strong bond with the kids. (Are you going to need them to step in after your maternity leave?). It’s also ok to not answer a text immediately. It’s also ok to come with suggestions that work for you. It’s also ok to say no when she asks in front of the children. It’s not her problem that that makes you uncomfortable, that’s a you problem and something you need to work on. Just as you need to learn to ignore texts when you’re away.

Say no when you want to.
Don't answer texts if you're busy.
Decide what you want and stick to it. Don't be pushed into things - if she asks in front of your child it's ok to say to her and the child 'no, mummy is taking you'

The message will get through.

Are you likely to want her help once maternity ends? If so tread carefully.

Stick to the things you want and ensure she has other things and time with her grandchildren?

It must be frustrating. But she obviously loves your children and has a good relationship with them.

She sounds just like my MIL. She and my FIL are constantly calling and messaging me about the kids. I made a family WhatsApp group with my DH so they can direct their questions/requests to both of us. They use the family WhatsApp but still message me separately :/

I presume that when she is at work she doesn't get the opportunity to take him to his swimming lessons and watch him swimming and so feels that she is missing out. Being on maternity leave means that she can do this for a short period of time.

Just give her tasks you enjoy the least

why is taking your son to swimming your thing? I find that quite bizarre and happily shared lifts with others when mine did lessons!

it’s really not a big deal

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to feel how you do. If it's not something you've asked for or that makes things easier for you, I think it needs to be recognised for what it is - not help or a favour, but something that the other person is asking to do because they enjoy it. Whether you accommodate it or not therefore becomes like any other request - i.e. if you want to/can without making other difficulties for yourself.

I know where you're coming from as we have family who make similar offers. Realistically most of the time it wouldn't help us - it just adds complexity - e.g. they take the DC out of nursery early, meaning they don't get properly fed, then drop them off much later (or ask for us to pick them up) and leave us to sort out proper food when DC are already tired. DH and I are fine with making it work when we can, but if we can't there's no guilt as they're not doing us a favour.

However, I think it is going to be difficult to get very objective answers to your post (no fault of your own!), as childcare is such a sensitive topic. People who need more support will simply say they'd bite your hand off to be in your situation and you need to suck it up.

she then turned up at 4.20 with my 3 year old who she picked up from nursery (she wanted to get him and so I agreed but plan was still to come at 5pm) and there was noway my 6yo can get his homework done with my 3 yo about,
So how would you have got the homework done if she hadn't picked the 3 yo up? Was she meant to take him elsewhere till 5pm?

You can't have someone who looks after your children just when you want.
She has retired and she obviously loves your children and has formed a close bond with them whilst you worked. Now suddenly she has been given "boundaries" now you need her less.
How mean is that?

Are you planning/expecting her to do any of these things when you return to work? If not, get DH to tell her to step out, if so, I’d tread really really carefully here.

Sounds like she is being so helpful. What's the big deal if she picks him up from school? With 3 children, I would see that as an absolute blessing to have the school run burden taken off me.
And it's silly to make it a thing that your 6yo can't do homework with your 3yo around.

It does sound a bit like you’re too available and she’s taking that as you being happy with how things are. She probably has no inkling you’re a bit annoyed. She sounds friendly and engaged if a little oblivious to what you really want - but I think that’s partly because you’re sending mixed signals. You say one thing but, from her perspective, jump at the opportunity to do the other.

As others have said, don’t respond as quickly or so much. Tell her you’re busy and you’ll respond tomorrow/day after/next week/etc. Say no more often. Suggest to her the things she could do that you would be happy with (“Oh, not swimming this week, but don’t suppose you’d like to baby sit Friday so DH and I can go out?”). If you don’t like how things are going you need to try to lead a bit.

Edit to add: And if you don’t already, at some point you (as in DH and DH) need to show her how much you appreciate her - take her out for Sunday lunch, make her a very personal and heartfelt gift from the kids, etc. because it sounds like she does a fair amount and would jump to help when you need it, that she loves her grandkids and they enjoy spending time with her. And that is something to be treasured.

Well the present one is easy - you reply to the first one and say "thanks for sharing, will look when we are back from the weekend as it's too hectic to think now, hope all is good." And then ignore everything else until you are back.

On wanting to take your son swimming, I couldn't get too upset about this. But if it really is that big of a deal for you you need to just say no every time. If you want to, soften it by suggesting something else (thanks MiL but I want to take him swimming like usual, feel free to take him to football on Sunday though if you fancy that?) - just assert your boundaries and stick to them.

But she sounds helpful, kind and very engaged - so tread carefully as you don't want to mess that up. My MIL is similar and drives me mad but I roll my eyes and let it be as the help is worth it.

It sounds like an interesting combination of pretty amazing to have someone so helpful and who you generally get on well with, but also yes, a bit much.
Itis also amazing that your kids are going to have so much extra live in their lives. Grandparents really do bring things to a kids life that a parent can’t.
I would be extremely careful of upsetting her and burning any bridges. You have a lot of years of parenting ahead of you and you will be so sad if you cause hurt, spoil your good relationship and end up with less help.
I would either suck it up and smile sweetly.
Or maybe try to say something in a way that puts it more onto yourself than blames her … ‘ I am trying to get better organised with my time. Could we plan out next week? What are you going to do and what am I going to do? I really don’t want to go back to work feeling sad that I leant on you too much with the 6yr old and now I miss him’.
And then write it down while you are both together- stick it up on the fridge, give her a copy or send a weekly planning text.
good luck.

This

How often did she see them before you went on maternity and will you be needing her again when you finish your maternity leave? If yes to the latter I think you're being a bit unreasonable. It sounds like she's trying to maintain an existing bond and carrying on doing you a favour..

@Nanny0gg is totally correct: stop people pleasing. Your MIL is a big girl.

And try and get some sleep!! You sound exhausted.

You are ok to feel how you feel, but I don't think she's doing anything wrong. She will be thinking she is doing you a favour no doubt. You just need to say no when you don't want her to do things. Or go along too if you get on with her and have no problem in seeing her.

Stop answering her texts straight away

Get her son to speak to her

Stop people-pleasing

Where is your partner in this?

Does she not have any other interests?