35 and want to be married before kids

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5201369-to-be-annoyed-im-not-in-partners-will

Ignore the thread title OP, but just read all of this OPs updates as it will give you a glimpse of your potential future if you don't stick to your guns.

This needs to be part of the curriculum for young girls tbh.

Without meaning to be negative it's not that simple. Throw illness and/or disability into the mix and it becomes much harder for both parents to maintain the same work schedule/earning capacity. I agree that if your planning to become a SAHM it's predictable you need the extra commitment but plans don't always go as anticipated.

If you intend to get married I see no sense in delaying marriage, unless you aren't sure you want to be married. If that's the case then I certainly wouldn't buy a house or have a child together - those are both more complicated to untangle than a marriage.

I don't understand your boyfriend's position at all.

Does he realise how important this is to you? And why? And what happened with his ex? I cared more about kids than marriage so had a house and was pregnant within 18 months of meeting DP and all still good after 10 years. DP's ex-fiance treated him awfully and think it put him off marriage. I don't think he is necessarily wrong to not want marriage but I think he should listen to how you feel about it and babies and compromise. And I agree with whoever said talk through exactly what having kids looks like to him and your roles

Hold your ground. Marriage first. Then a baby. It's very simple and if he views you as his forever it won't be a problem. So many women give everything that a Marriage entails to a man without the actual legally binding contract.

He may well marry you after the baby comes. He very well may not. Why should he get to decide this?

Like I said. Hold your ground. It isn't an unreasonable request when houses with mortgages and children are already on the table.

If you plan on keeping your career and maintaining financial independence (maternity leave aside), then marriage makes no difference. Go ahead and have a baby.

If you want to become a SAHM / drop to part-time and become financially dependent on a man, then definitely get married first. You will be less shafted if the relationship fails (but still shafted as you will have to stand on your own two feet having lost significant earning potential).

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

He's telling you that he's a shit. Leave.

A Greek wanting children before marriage? Very odd. Too many red flags

If you are happy as you are, are independent and in your own home,
and not really bothered about having children, then I think you should stay exactly as you are.
Seriously.

Put the house buying on hold.

Move in with him for 6 months and rent your place out (or vice versa).
The extra income will help with a deposit and you’ll know if you two are well suited or not.

After the 6 months then you can buy a home.

I would book a registry wedding for a couple months later and then start TTC.
You can have a bigger ceremony at a later date if you want family and friends to attend etc.

It is better to give yourself that extra few months and be more certain about him, than getting pregnant and having absolutely no security.

Many people do not start having kids until your age and so you’re not exceptionally old or anything.
It’s worth taking some extra time.

Definitely do not get pregnant before marriage.
There is nothing wrong with having kids outside of marriage but his reluctance to get married yet have kids is quite odd and would be ringing alarm bells.

I admit I have no idea about Greek culture but I’ve never heard of a culture that prioritises having kids over marriage.

This.

Sounds like he wants to prove his equipment works as well as his cousin's, and you'll make a useful housemate to help him get on the property ladder, pay the bills, clean his loo and wash his sheets.

Without marriage he can leave you holding a new born, pop home to Greece and you won't even get child support.

Yanbu.

I'm pretty sure the Greeks get married first then have babies.

When you say he's making no moves to get married, what do you mean by that? Are you waiting for him to get down on bended knee? Just have a straight honest and calm conversation about what you want and where your boundaries are. To be honest 18 months in a relationship is too soon to marry (in my opinion), but you could both be planning a future wedding. No babies until you're married though!!

And 'in his culture' are babies usually born before marriage?

Or does he pick and choose traditions?

What a lot of posters are missing is the DP has baby fever whereas the Op doesn't sound that bothered, she'd be having a baby more for him than herself. You want marriage, he wants DC, so I'd tell him it's an easy deal, marriage then DC or not at all.
Quite honestly, if he wants you to prove your fertile before he'll marry you then he's not that mad about you Op

Bet you any money he's assumed the baby is going to have his surname too.

The problem with commitment as expressed by BUPA membership is the ease with which it is cancelled. Same goes for wills etc. which are all very easily changed unilaterally. Fine if that works for you but a risk nonetheless.

In the cultures where meeting the family is a big deal, marriage before babies is also usually the custom. Was his mother married before she had her first child?

Then you deserve the same security & respect.

Yanbu.

House is mortgaged, in my name only and at a price I can afford on my own. Jesus just because I'm not forcing him into a marriage I'm apparently not protecting myself or my children .... Who says I won't leave him and shaft him? What protection exactly would I get from a marriage?

just get a fertility MOT check to be on the safe side and know where you stand.

I bought a house with DH after 18 months of dating, then got engaged the month before we moved in...now expecting DC2 after 6 years together...wasn't 'risky' at all...think that's quite an old fashioned attitude nowadays tbh!

OP my main concern in your situation would be if he's not 100% about marriage...and it's something you really want. You need your values and wants to align.

Stick to your guns,marriage then house(in joint names) then kids
The number of women I have seen who have children then never get married !

I would worry about a man who is not happy to share his finances with me through a marriage but is happy for me to make the commitment to him to put my career on hold and be tied to him for life via a joint child. Where is his long term commitment to you and the child if he isn't prepared to marry you.

I would also have a serious discussion about how you will pool finances and costs when married particularly as you are coming into this with unequal contributions. Even married you could end up in a situation where he insist on a prenup to protect his deposit but then expects you to contribute 50:50 whilst repaying your own debts when on maternity leave.

I would expect his commitment to share finances equally and pool resources to match your commitment to take a career hit whilst having a baby. If this is not done willingly then I would reconsider as a reluctant agreement could cause future resentment.

Well done for thinking all this through first as many people don't.

It really isn’t and I don’t get the 😂 as it’s not remotely funny. Hope you are at least joint tenants on the mortgage…

great you are still together and all… but the reality is if he left you, i don’t think you’d agree being on his crappy bupa plan is equivalent or greater than the protection marriage would have afforded you and your children.

Nah he knows exactly what he is doing
he dosent want to get married because if he’s putting in a huge deposit any deed of trust for the protection of it is pretty much invalid when he gets married

and to be fair I don’t blame him
he stands to lose 50 percent possibly more of his deposit if he’s married
and what if you can’t / change your mind about kids

your both trying to protect yourself you with marriage
him not getting married