To think society should stop glorifying self-care and prioritise community care?

It's all a bit chicken and egg. I love the idea of giving and receiving community support but things feel very transient sometimes and many people too busy. It can be a really disappointing and frustrating thing trying and failing to build meaningful relationships.

Then that disappointment leads to your mental health dipping and all you've got to fall back on is self-care. Next thing you know you've turned inwards and now you're even less able to potentially offer meaningful relationships with others.

I don’t think our society does glorify self-care. It glorifies self-indulgence, but much of it is not particularly good for people (though it’s often good for commerce). Going on spa days, having duvet days when you don’t want to face people, spending more on cosmetic procedures than you put into savings - none of that is really caring for yourself.

I do agree that there is less emphasis on community generally, that we are becoming quite insular. And I think that has a negative impact, generally, on mental health for the nation. That seems to be down to growing income disparity and a reluctance by the reasonably well off to put up with the the sorts of services that can be provided to everyone on the tax base we’re prepared to fund.

We see it in everything, not just care - growing use of private schools, private health care, private gyms, etc. Community facilities that are funded by everyone for everyone are no longer a vote getter. Religion, which once brought communities together (as well as causing bloody rifts!) has lost its influence. We are much more every-man-for-himself.

Jesus, what community? We are a completely atomised and untethered collection of ever shrinking families with no common or established sites of shared spaces with ever changing neighbours, colleagues and friends.

I think the term 'self-care' was originally a medical idea - it was about encouraging ill patients to look after themselves as much as possible. Then it was developed more widely as a concept by the civil rights movement and the women's movement. It was a radical concept at the time. It is only more recently it has been jumped on by the capitalist system to sell us stuff.

I bet there's not a lot of men who debate if they're doing enough for their community on top of working, bringing up kids, caring for relatives and generally bearing the brunt of housekeeping

I agree with this. My area has changed massively over the past 20 years and most of the neighbours speak different languages from each other, some with very little English. We acknowledge each other in passing but conversation is difficult.The community spirit feels lost in our area now. It's a shame as I remember the days the mums would all be at the gates chatting while the children played.

Ok, so having grown up in what would be now perceived as a traditional and religious home life setting, from quite a traditional background, I would say that, for the most part, it’s the women who have always been expected to live a life that very much focuses on taking care of every one else, and every thing else. Of having to keep the family together, making sure that everyone else is alright - ahead of themselves. And so, this has been perpetuated, generationally so. Girls and women, are taught, from childhood, to take care of every one else, first, themselves second. I know for a fact, that my mother, and all the mothers before her ( my many grandmothers, generations back) were conditioned to put every one else, before them. Any actual attempts at “self care” were/are judged?. Yes, absolutely, nurturing and maintaining community efforts is very important. It’s vital work, and very often women are at the very forefront of that, but self care should be on par with that. In its self it’s so very important. And about time too!

I feel like I see it on mumsnet all the time. There will be a mum who is frazzled, at breaking point and disappointed that the grandparents won’t watch the kids for an hour or two so they can recharge…..but most of the responses are you are selfish, you can’t expect anyone to help you and you have made your bed.

Does anyone else think that since social media has taken off, people have become very selfish and self-obsessed? Everything seems to be for the "Gram" and for likes/clout. Endless selfies, people videoing their perfect lives, etc.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. I just think we don't communicate with others the way we used to and everything we do has to be shown to the world.

Where are these? Am in more agreement with @Sassysoonwins it's not 'sad and introverted' to say "you know what, I'm bloody knackered just coping" or to use the self care terminology "I've enough full spoons on the go".

@ThatJoyousCyanReader Were you thinking of structured stuff or just an offer of help to someone who might need it? I'm just thinking of the basics.

I have had a couple of bad injuries in the past and the mentality that made friends and neighbours offer help seems completely gone now. I'm quite scared of ever needing help now.

Such a lovely post. I’m lucky enough to live in a similar neighbourhood. Two of the older single women who live in the close have had long-term serious illnesses; one sadly eventually died. Both women were well supported by neighbours during their illnesses with practical jobs in their homes or helping them with technology, putting their bins out, collecting medication and so on. When my husband did his back in, one of my neighbours came over on a Friday evening (he was a bit tipsy I think 😂) and helped me move a superking mattress downstairs so I could set up a bed for DH in the lounge. There was a lot of support during the pandemic. We’d shop for each other, share hard-to-come by ingredients, share jigsaw puzzles and games and we’d come out of our houses to sing Happy Birthday to whoever was celebrating a birthday. (We’re on the South coast btw. Lots of southerners are nice, I promise!)

I know some MNers probably cringe at stuff like this but maybe they’re the folk who are a bit more insular or focused on themselves and their families and not much outside of that. If so, they’re missing out because it’s proven that community links and communication are good for our mental health. So in fact in being part of something bigger, we are contributing to our own self-care too.

I went for a run then did a 15 min litter pick around the block. Win / win. I can also keep an on flytipping and dob the scummy families into the council that way.

Also, people drive short distances too much. That's the root of many problems. There's fewer chances to chat when passing and the roads are clogged up.

And yes to where is the time for these community things. With both parents working and possibly helping with some care to elderly parents where is the time for church if inclined and community events and helpfulness

See there is over 100 houses down my street but my street is also miles long we change post codes a few times. There is only three houses with 50 that have remained in the same families that know each other the rest all come and go.

The generic level of the examples given and lack of any one example put this on a par with an AI post.

I'm on the fence about this. I work full time, have raised kids who are now young adults, am a happily single widow. I also volunteer for a cat rescue and run a support group for the loved ones of people in addiction. And it's a lot, but it feels balanced, I enjoy it.

But there is enormous pressure on women to do it all and I don't see men stepping up in the same way. I have a lovely colleague at work who works full time, has a toddler and is very very active in her church community - and she doesn't get enough sleep, her husband does fuck all around the house and she's shattered. She needs to be a bit more selfish!

There are some very sad, introverted comments coming across on this thread. Most of it requires nothing more than a few minutes when you can, a bit of kindness, and the ability to communicate in a friendly, non judgemental way.

totally support !

@Octavia64 oh I've been interpreting "self care" as going for beauty treatments etc.

I think for a lot of people covid killed off the idea of support in the community and this 'prioritise others' expectation.
As seen on here the 'I'm isolating as I'm x/y/z' and the running around people did for their neighbours like shops/medication collection/meals to then this group being the first to get jabs, then raising merry hell with 'how dare the UNVACCINATED be allowed out in public unless to serve!!'
This community helping should be reciprocal, but I feel advocates of it mean 'help me, put me first, but don't expect anything in return'