MIL lied about genetic condition

I'm not surprised that you are angry. IMO it is justified - I am waiting for results of BRACA gene testing, but I did not do the test until I had discussed it with my dc, including 17yo youngest dc. Because if I test positive it is relevant to their own health. It is not my secret to keep from them.

But the anger doesn't get you anywhere. It just makes you more unhappy. You have the knowledge now - can you use it? Does the genetic condition have anything to do with the symptoms your dh has, or is it basically yet another thing to worry about? Do you want your dc to be tested for it?

Is there a charity for this condition? If so, you may be able to access counselling through it. You can talk through your options, and your feelings, which can help you process it all.

She didn’t have to share anything with your DH, but it might have been better If she had.

But, not all genetic problems affect everyone.

Yes, she should have told him. If not when he was younger, but certainly once he got into long term relationships and was thinking about having children.

Well mil didnt really let him go through all manner of tests. She didnt know he was having symptoms until very recently. Perhaps they are the type of family who aren’t very open with each other? Mil didn’t disclose a genetic problem. Dh didn’t tell dm about his symptoms until op made him. Family dynamics can be strange,

I cannot imagine behaving as your MIL did towards her son, but with the caveat that a lot would depend on how serious the condition is, and how inheritable. But to find out that she’s kept potentially such important information from her son, and you, for many years, and not told him when he married and could be expected to start a family- that is one hell of a shock. It’s a betrayal of trust and I think it’s entirely understandable that you’re furious with her.

I have a genetic condition. We thought long and hard before having kids, and told them about it once they were old enough to know. Which we decided they were before they were ten. It’s the sort of thing where knowing it can help prevent some of the damage if that makes sense, so they need to know IMO.

I can understand her not telling him immediately if she needed time to process the information herself first, but she should have told him before he had kids.

Is it possible she’s completely in denial about the whole thing and just hoping he’ll be okay? Some people do bury their heads in the sand. If they find something too difficult to deal with they just try to pretend it’s not happening. Never a good idea, but a pretty common human response none the less.

Bollocks to that, she had a duty to tell her son that he might have a life limiting condition, one he could pass on to his kids.

Sticking her head in the sand about it was never going to have a positive outcome.

Fuck that bitch.
I'd tell DH she's dead to you or her health would be in even more jepody.

To let him go through all manner of tests when she had the answer is unforgivable in my book.

Your stance is correct - you should tell your sons. They don't necessarily need to know who from - although they'll be asked at appointments - but they deserve to grow up knowing about the increased risks.

The MIL in this situation has fucked up. She didn't need to tell her son that she had a condition, but she needed to tell him that he might. Her right to privacy does not override his right to know at all, but she could have balanced both.

And there's no excuse for not telling him when they first told her that he was suffering from symptoms, either.

Agreed. He was 17 he deserved to know and be aware of that information long before he got to his 40s and started to experience symptoms. I would find it very hard to forgive her for keeping something so important a secret.

But it’s not just HER right is it? Her son may have it so surely he should have a right to know too? If it only impacted her then fair enough but she thought it may impact him but never told him? That’s wrong.

Of course the op and her dhs right to know about risk to their children overrides her “privacy”.

i would maintain a relationship with her for the children but i would be very very clear
about boundaries and I would not be providing her with any support etc

I don't agree with the PP at all. Her son had the right to know about the condition and be tested and especially before he took the decision to have children.

To wait until he had symptoms is awful.

I think yanbu. I'd be furious too, especially if delaying treatment has worsened your husband's symptoms.

She should have told him. Perhaps not at 17 but certainly in his 20’s

YABU, she only found out when he was 17 and it was her decision to make to share or not. I am sorry but her right to medical privacy over rides your right to know.

We have been through this with breast cancer gene. It is better handled now. At 18 my sons will be advised they may be at higher risk due to familial tests, but it won't disclose who. They will have access to screening.

This to me is the way it should be, protection for individuals and privacy respected.