MIL lied about genetic condition

Outrageously selfish behaviour by the mother in law. He could have spent the last 20 years creating a lifestyle/diet/plans/career choices that mediated his future symptoms and circumstances. People saying it wasn’t her son’s right to have knowledge about his own future health are terrifying. He could have deliberately worked harder for early retirement! So scary that people can think this is ok 😫

All those saying it’s her business, yes it is for her, but her condition is genetic, and whilst she only found out when her son was 17 she is absolutely wrong to not say anything to him because it could be passed to her grandchildren who hadn’t even been born at the time she found out. She didn’t have to do it when he was 17 but she should off once he was married or in a serious relationship that could lead to children

Her son has now found out the hard way he has the condition, and has to live with that as well as the fact he could have passed it onto his children, all because she was, in my opinion, very selfish

I would find it very hard to forgive her

The law says otherwise. It is her private medical history. It isn't up for debate as the law protects. That's why alternative ways need to be brought in to protect people.

The law says otherwise but OP's MIL could have told her son. It was her decision to make, but in my opinion, she made the wrong decision.

They don't talk much in his family do they? Multiple scans/hospital/doctor visits before you had to persuade him to tell his own mother something was wrong?!

ya absolutely nbu. Your MIL has been unbelievably selfish. She could and should have told your DH as soon as he was of an age to understand that he potentially had a genetic condition so that he could get tested (if available), keep an eye out for symptoms, potentially have preventative monitoring/ treatment and make an informed decision via genetic counselling whether to have children himself. I wouid he absolutely livid and would be telling her so, and I think I would find it very hard to have anything to do with your MIL ever again. I have a serious genetic condition and when I was a teenager the implications of it on me and any future children were explained so I was able to make informed decisions. Many people with my condition choose not to have children or have in utero testing. I can’t believe your MIL thought it was ok not to say anything. She’s played roulette with your DC and DH’s health.

And the law says it is her decision. You can't break laws for ethics. That is why I clearly stated the alternative way to protect her legally held protection while enlisting screening.

Ending a child’s life is a decision for parents not grandparents.

The law says otherwise.

There is literally law stating that the MIL has the right to medical privacy.

That is why alternative processes need to be implemented to protect that legal protection.

Genetic screening should also become more accessible.

Surely this is information her son should have had when making a decision whether to have a family as it is a hereditary condition?

For some hereditary conditions, genetic counselling and screening is available when trying to have a baby. OP and her DH have been denied that opportunity.

We have the CF gene in our family - only found out after a GC was born. I am a carrier (with all the now known carrier symptoms), ditto one of my DDs. We informed my siblings so they could choose what to do for themselves and their offspring. We would not have dreamt of doing otherwise.

It was particularly pertinent for a niece who was at that time planning to start a family - but in fact my brother (her father, who turned out also to be a carrier) decided not to tell her - I thought that was a bad decision but said nowt. In fact she proved to be infertile (which is common among carriers.).

It is a subject fraught with anxiety, but I do think it is best to be open and honest. I would have found it impossible not to be and I think your MIL was very remiss indeed not to pass this information on. She did not need to say that it was her, but just that it is in the family. A difficult situation for you all.

However, MIL knew her son was serious about someone one, knew when he got married, knew when they were trying for children and knew when the children were born

She had ample opportunity to tell her son and her DIL before this genetic car crash became a potential multi car pile up

Her son and perhaps her grandchildren are at risk of this condition

And thank you @Tittat50

She absolutely should have warned her son as soon as she knew. So he could perhaps make lifestyle choices, be aware of symptoms and seek help at a very early stage, possibly being able to control and manage the condition better. So OP could have factored that in to her choice re having children. MIL screwed up.

Yes everyone in my family is affected differently. Mine is starting to mess with me now. It’s scary. I didn’t have kids in the end.

We probably both know what we're talking about here. I think the only saving grace is the outcomes can be significantly different for each person.
💐 for you.

Yanbu.
When you discover you have a genetic, hereditary condition it is not just your medical information. It is also the medical information of anyone you've passed your genes down to.

There's a thread on reddit actually where the parents knew they'd got the genes for Huntingtons and kept it secret. It was awful. One of their adult children was dx and even after that they got angry at that child for telling the other children.

When it is something that can be passed down, you don't have the right to deny people the information they need to make informed decisions about getting tested themselves, or deciding whether to have children

@Tittat50 Sounds similar to mine. Very rough isn’t it

Without any shred of doubt the best thing for your DH and your own children would have been to tell them. The fact that she has considered her own feelings and fears of higher importance than her own child's wellbeing is incomprehensible.

I would move on from this (slowly) if either of the following applied:

• she is hard of understanding in some way or has a condition which makes it difficult to empathise with others.
• she is usually a decent person and following this 'blip' she is absolutely overwhelming remorseful and knows absolutely that what she did was unbelievably selfish, and apologises without any caveats.

YANBU OP, that's terrible. I can't imagine not telling my children about the genetic issues that run in our family when they are older. It's cruel.

This is a difficult one.

I have a genetic condition with a 50% inheritance risk. I only discovered this after I had a child and my body started falling apart and other conditions joined the party.

I don't discuss the genetic condition with my teen because I could not bare the fear it would ignite when they have watched me suffer so much and spend alot of time in hospital. There is also the fact that this condition can manifest differently in different people, some don't even notice, women also seem to suffer far worse than males. I sit and wait and only hope nothing appears.

By the time my child is an adult, I would have to think long and hard about how and when to tell them. I personally would not want this passed on. I don't want to up end child's life either. But there's the possibility of a good life even with this; my outcome has been very unfortunate. It's possible all this was in MILs mind.

I think there's a deeper issue here in that your MIL sounds like a problematic person and I'm guessing may have different values and morals to you She may be the type who won't take accountability for this.

You can only look forward and focus on how to help husband and explore whether your children may be affected.

So sorry for you to learn all this. 💐

When I say what sort I just mean rough area op, don’t out yourself sorry. Different generations had more stigma about these things remember. It doesn’t make it right. My dad was beaten up for his by his dad and it informed how he dealt with it.

‘Genetic problem’. Very vague, like what? As others said family dynamics are funny. She’s obviously fucked up but I don’t think cutting her off is very helpful.