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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he deserved what he got?

205 replies

MrsBunTheBakersMum · 23/10/2024 16:24

I want to preface this with violence is never the first answer and there was better ways of dealing with it.

I got a call from ds (13) school to say that he had been in trouble because he punched a boy in the face and knocked him to the ground, ds is autistic and wears a hat as a comfort item, he’s worn a hat every day for three years and is extremely protective of his hats, no one touches them not even me and his dad. The last time he got into trouble for violence was nearly two years ago when a kid took his hat and wouldn’t give it back. My ds is also gender confused at the moment, and has been since he was 7! (Still Goes by he/him) most people see a quiet gentle effeminate boy and think he will be a pushover but he’s not.

basically the kid took his hat and denied it, ds got in his face and asked for it back and he threw it into the mud at which point ds pushed him towards it and said “pick it up” (all on cctv with audio) the kid said no and pushed back, there was a scuffle and next thing the kid is on his arse on the floor holding his face and ds just calmly picked up his hat and walked off.
school were surprisingly understanding and said he wouldn’t try it on with ds again! Ds is getting isolated at break times for a day but won’t be suspended.

obviously I’ve spoken to ds about how there’s better ways to deal with things than resorting to violence but part of me wants to give him a high five! He’s always been a target for bullies for obvious reasons but I’m quite old and from the generation that understood that if you didn’t knock a bully on their arse and humble them they’d never stop. Hopefully this kid was suitably humiliated by getting his arse handed to him by a boy in a pink hat in front of the whole school and will learn a lesson from it.

OP posts:
Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 23/10/2024 20:23

I hate bullying and so agree that your son did the right thing. It sounds proportionate too - not over the top but enough to end it and let the shitty child know not to do it again. I was always told it is wrong to hit anyone else, except if they hit you first. Then you hit them back twice as hard to make sure they won’t try it again

SuchiRolls · 23/10/2024 20:14

ExtraOnions · 23/10/2024 16:55

Violence is never the answer, and never to be celebrated.

What happens when your child is outside of school and someone takes their hat, or does something that steps over their boundary ? They might find themselves in a whole heap of trouble.

Depending on the other child I very much doubt thus is the last you will hear of it - only this time it may not be in school, or in front of CCTV.

Your child needs to go to a staff member, and I say this as a parent of an ASD child. They should also be giving the same punishment, as any other child was, for the level of violence used. We do our ASD children no favours by letting them believe that the world will adapt to them .. it won’t.

Do you know what happens when they do that, absolutely nothing. Seriously nothing happens ever. The bullies get away with it and the victim gets punishment for reacting. It’s a story as old as time. This is a case of a child pushed too far. The other child committed an assault by ripping the hat off their head and then added insult to injury by throwing it in the mud. They did this to this child likely on purpose to get some laughs. So you really think anyone is caring at this point about him punching the other kid? Poke a bear and see what you get. The OP’s child didn’t start it but he certainly finished it. Unfortunately being told to not bother another child or receiving a detention doesn’t work. They don’t care. So he got some swift and sharp justice and that’s what was needed.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 23/10/2024 20:13

Inwas relentlessly bullied at school both physically and mentally. The school ignored it, victin blamed and avoided the situation until the day the pushed me beyond my limits and I picked the kid up and sla med her into a bookcase in the library. I then slammed by hand against it millimeters from her head. I told her that if she ever came after me again I wouldn't avoid her face when I slapped her.

I got suspended pending exclusion meeting. My dad threatened legal action and I wasn't expelled.

The bullies never tried it again.

Good on your kid!

LOeff · 23/10/2024 20:09

Good job to the DS. Violence is the answer to sort bullying. My DS beat up a bully when he was 13. Yes he was suspended at school but we told DS we supported him.

Nousernamesleftatall · 23/10/2024 20:02

Please don’t ever change your child’s pronouns or let him think he is a girl and entitled to be in female spaces. Where will that end if he is misgendered (correctly gendered)?

user8754387 · 23/10/2024 19:56

This exact same thread was on MN about 3 years ago. Right down to the hat and the trans issue

schmeler · 23/10/2024 19:56

What that child did was not ok. Yes the child was being nasty (not a bully as it doesn't meet the definition of bullying) but certainly an arsehole doing it to wind your child up.

Your child needs to be taught how to deal with people who are arseholes in this world and when reasonable force is ok. This was not reasonable force.

Ilikeadrink14 · 23/10/2024 19:55

Interesting post but I was appalled by the language from some people. Is this how you speak in front of your children? If so, I can see how they could be aggressive, whether or not provoked. Shame on you!

Babbahabba · 23/10/2024 19:54

It should also be noted that it isn't uncommon for younger "bullies" to hang around with older exploitative teens/men who will act as "support" for these youngsters to draw them in. Does your DS go out a lot on his own outside of school? It's a very dangerous social arena for young men and as I said, the most valuable skill to learn is to be unbothered, say I don't give a shit and walk away. A high proportion of young men in prison are ND and vulnerable and end up there due to their poor coping skills. I'm not saying your DS will end up in prison but you need to be far more street wise OP.

Ponoka7 · 23/10/2024 19:47

Skate76 · 23/10/2024 18:51

He was defending himself and setting his boundaries. The other boy started it, your son finished it, job done 🤷‍♀️

He wasn't though. He punched the boy because he wouldn't pick up the hat. He became the aggressor by shoving the boy towards the hat to pick it up. If it wasn't for the prevalence of knife crime, or gang attacks, it wouldn't need addressing, but I think that we've got to tell teens to walk away when they can.

Original poster
MrsBunTheBakersMum · 23/10/2024 19:38

EnfysHeulenEira · 23/10/2024 18:39

Are you the poster who sent her child into a faith school on non uniform day with a 'satanic/ devil worship themed hoody on'?

No not me

OP posts:
VirginiaGirl · 23/10/2024 19:37

Good on him! Too much pandering and tiptoeing around bullies nowadays.

VictoriaSpungecake · 23/10/2024 19:37

I am usually anti-violence, but I am happy that your son gave that little bully what for. Very well done.

IntrovertInDisguise · 23/10/2024 19:34

ladyamy · 23/10/2024 17:15

As a teacher I shouldn't really say this, but good on him!

Another teacher here adding a well done.

SassK · 23/10/2024 19:33

ChangeforOneQuery · 23/10/2024 19:19

I have a DH and a DS who are both very particular about their hats / being touched etc. No official diagnoses on either of them, though.

I think its good your son stood up for himself but when he is 18 if he lumps someone, he can be charged with assault. So its probably better to look forwards and how to handle it further down the line (i.e. seek help from someone in authority).

There is CCTV - the assaulted boy's parents may wish to report the assault to the police, and at 13 the OP's son could be charged.
It'd be in the OP's interests to dissuade her son from violence, because if it becomes a pattern she (as his parent) can be held criminally responsible.

betterangels · 23/10/2024 19:23

hookiewookie29 · 23/10/2024 18:23

I wish my daughter had done the same.....maybe she wouldn't be the fucked up mess she is now with scars on her body from self harming...
It's stayed with her too- and it changed her.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry to hear. It's very difficult and does change you. Sending thoughts to your daughter.

ChangeforOneQuery · 23/10/2024 19:19

I have a DH and a DS who are both very particular about their hats / being touched etc. No official diagnoses on either of them, though.

I think its good your son stood up for himself but when he is 18 if he lumps someone, he can be charged with assault. So its probably better to look forwards and how to handle it further down the line (i.e. seek help from someone in authority).

Emmaki · 23/10/2024 19:18

Pyjamatimenow · 23/10/2024 18:46

My worry would be when he gets out in the real world and does something similar to some meathead with a knife. I would be very clear with him this is not acceptable for his own sake if not for anyone else’s

This. It may be difficult for him to comprehend who to do that too and who not to. There are some absolute loons in this world now.

Radiolala · 23/10/2024 19:14

I voted yabu because you don’t solve violence with violence but….

As a mum of an asd child I wish that I felt differently and that his bullies had known how it felt.

MargaretThursday · 23/10/2024 19:14

I don't think we can say that this was a bully picking on the Op's ds. It sounds like a one off incident - yes irritating, but not bullying unless he's been doing other things the OP hasn't told us, and that seems unlikely.

So really it was ott and not particularly "good on him", with the aggression seems to be mostly on the Op's ds' side.

@NeverDropYourMooncup in Five have a Mystery to solve, Anne throws a pail of water into Wilfred's face when he's annoying her. It was always one of my favourite moments.

JaneEyreLaughing · 23/10/2024 19:13

Skate76 · 23/10/2024 18:51

He was defending himself and setting his boundaries. The other boy started it, your son finished it, job done 🤷‍♀️

Except the other boy may not consider it finished.

JohnTheRevelator · 23/10/2024 19:10

YANBU. Sometimes the only way a bully is stopped is by standing up to them.

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 23/10/2024 19:06

Good for your son!

MNISLW · 23/10/2024 18:57

katseyes7 · 23/10/2024 18:31

My ex's teenage daughter had just gone back to school after her grandma died after a very long illness (MS).
A lad sitting behind her kept pulling her hair and laughing. She told him to stop several times (she was obviously still stressed and very upset about her grandma, they'd been very close) but he carried on.
So she turned round and shouted at him to fuck off.
She was put in isolation. Even though the school knew the circumstances, they blamed her, didn't do anything about him.
Her dad went to the school and read them the riot act (it was his mam who had died). He said he understood why his daughter had been put in isolation, but why had nothing been done about the lad's behaviour?
"We have rules. She swore at him."
That was it. 'We have rules.'
Nothing about bothering and tormenting an emotional and grieving child.

Edited

Power to your ex and his daughter.

Bollocks to the school.

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