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AIBU?

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Original poster

Starting my Social Services parenting class today. Filled with rage. AIBU?

134 replies

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 09:47

My 7 year old daughter told me about abuse by her father - weird controlling stuff about toilet use and being strangled when he was angry.

I reported the abuse and there was no negative consequence for him. The idiot social worker suggested to my daughter's face that she was lying because my daughter didn't demonstrate that she protested forcefully enough when being strangled. I was told I need to support the father/daughter relationship more.

My punishment for reporting the abuse is that I have to attend 20 hours of parenting courses, starting today. I could have used this time to do things with/for my daughter.

AIBU to feel rage over this?

OP posts:
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Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 15/10/2024 13:27

ArabellaScott · 15/10/2024 12:35

I'm sure you already are doing so, but you are keeping a record of all of his communications, OP?

Yes, we communicate almost exclusively through a dedicated email that I have created for this purpose.

I know from my experience and my solicitors' advice that none of it matters, though.

OP posts:
Starbright885 · 15/10/2024 13:04

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 04/10/2024 11:39

Your comment about some social workers being fooled by articulate men rings very true.

In my extended family we had a time a decade ago when we had social services involvement due to the father's treatment of a child and the mother covering it up. It turned out that the mother was being emotionally abused( this was before coercive control became a crime) and was dominated by her extremely manipulative and calculating husband.

He was an extremely articulate and outwardly charming man in his early thirties, added to which he was very good looking. The social worker was a 23 year old woman and was completely captivated by him. I was looking after the child and so went to all the meetings with the LA and saw how she reacted to him and how she was taken in by him, let him dominate meetings, believed him when he twisted facts etc, it made my blood boil but couldn't do anything because the solicitor had said to do everything social services asked. Fortunately the CAFCASS guardian and the barrister ultimately saw through him, but he had gained many advantages from manipulating that social worker.

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thats scary when a young 23 year old with no real life experience can have such power and be taken him by these men. They can con the best of us at times. Thankfully the judge and guardian saw through it.

SunQueen24 · 15/10/2024 12:49

He views himself as being able to act with impunity due to Child Services and the police falling down so badly. He has been empowered to behave even more badly now and in the future.

So sorry Op, that sounds so awful.

ArabellaScott · 15/10/2024 12:35

I'm sure you already are doing so, but you are keeping a record of all of his communications, OP?

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 15/10/2024 11:37

I also doubt that he's even doing the classes. No one was following up to ensure our participation or anything, even though we were required to promise we would avail ourselves of this resource.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 15/10/2024 11:35

My ex has been sending communications lately about how my reaction to his repeated assaults of our daughter were inappropriate and wrong (I believed her, I insisted on supervised visits through the course of the investigation). It's all putdowns of my parenting etc.

He views himself as being able to act with impunity due to Child Services and the police falling down so badly. He has been empowered to behave even more badly now and in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 06/10/2024 12:41

ArabellaScott · 05/10/2024 11:14

Anyone moved to do.so, please see this MN campaign on Family Courts and leave questions for the Minister for VAWG.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_campaigns/5180070-mnhq-here-we-need-your-help-meeting-with-the-minister-for-victims-and-vawg

Thank you. I have posted in that thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 06/10/2024 11:24

Randa50 · 05/10/2024 18:48

It's very poor the way the system is set up If you can afford maybe get her professional counselling as if you wait for NHS is years unless the school knows of somewhere or someone who can help you and your daughter You sound like a loving caring family you will get through this 🤗

Thank you. I am taking her to private play therapy sessions each week and she loves it.

OP posts:
Randa50 · 05/10/2024 18:48

It's very poor the way the system is set up If you can afford maybe get her professional counselling as if you wait for NHS is years unless the school knows of somewhere or someone who can help you and your daughter You sound like a loving caring family you will get through this 🤗

Pollymollydolly · 05/10/2024 13:48

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 20:56

I did engage with the course and I am not angry with the social workers. I told them that my daughter is subject to ongoing emotional abuse and it's affecting her self-esteem, and I am looking for strategies to help her. Which is true.

They said this is sad because I don't have any control over what happens outside of my household and that they hope they can help.

I’m glad the first session is over, I hope it will be a supportive space for you and that they can offer some useful strategies.

Giggorata · 05/10/2024 11:03

I won't quote the posts from GeorgeCrabtreesAuntBegonia but agree with everything. Things have changed a great deal, in both training and wokeness.

There is a contradiction in the child safeguarding arena, as DV is considered of significant harm to children within the household and yet when it comes to contact with the perpetrator, it isn't seen as a factor at all.
I wonder if Jess Philips is considering this.

Whenwillitgetwarm · 05/10/2024 10:41

Sorry OP. Having dealt with SS on the run up to adopting one of my DCs, I now know not to trust all social workers. Some are great but some are very very poor. This is quite scary when you realise they are dealing with vulnerable people.

One SW was very condescending and it felt like she was trying to trip me up during the application process, making stupid comments on how many plugs sockets where in the house and that we had a step in the garden which would be a hazard to a child (we already had bio DC). DH and I quickly learned not to react and just nod as she was on some weird power trip. We eventually asked for a new SW and she was swapped out of an amazing SW who was a mother and had common sense. Another spoke very negatively about my adopted DCs birth mother who wasn’t a bad woman, just vulnerable and a care leaver. The SW seemed to relish in the fact DC was removed from her. It left a bad taste.

As an educated professional, I realised that if I was at the other end of the spectrum i.e someone lacking education and under investigation, that it would be the luck of the drawer as to whether I got the support I needed or was treated like a criminal and had my kids taken off me. This sliding door situation would all boil down to whether I had an empathetic SW or one of the shit ones.

Sweetaschocolate · 05/10/2024 10:18

And that's why some woman stay with abusive partners.
Petrified that if they leave their children they will be with the abusive father on there own.
Because unfortunately a lot of these men are very good in portraying the innocent party.

I'm so sorry op that you and your daughter are going through this.

HebburnPokemon · 05/10/2024 10:17

Also, I respectfully disagree with those saying "smile and agree with everything and slide back under the radar". In most cases, yes, this is the only route out of the hell, however in OP's case, anything involving a victim's neck is a very serious red flag, suggesting fatal escalation is a very real (indeed imminent) threat.

I don't think OP can rollover on this one.

HebburnPokemon · 05/10/2024 09:51

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:03

No. They closed the case. He and I have the exact same punishments.

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That's a small mercy I guess (he has to do the classes).

However I would still contact MP. SS seem to have written this off as an attempt (by you) at parental alienation, rather than child abuse, therefore putting your child at further risk. Insane.

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 20:56

I did engage with the course and I am not angry with the social workers. I told them that my daughter is subject to ongoing emotional abuse and it's affecting her self-esteem, and I am looking for strategies to help her. Which is true.

They said this is sad because I don't have any control over what happens outside of my household and that they hope they can help.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 20:53

Randa50 · 04/10/2024 18:52

Unfortunately, you can't change what place you are now you need to just suffer with possibly the same as the other parents there miffed at having to do parent course
Just humour SS keep quiet and take it as a learning curve
As for your other question be very careful what you say about the abuse to your daughter not conducted properly this could cause lasting damage

I don't talk to my daughter about the abuse. I am pretty worried about the effect on her of it all being swept under the rug though.

I think she knows what her father is without my having to say anything tbh. She is a bright girl and we model very kind and respectful behaviour in my household.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 04/10/2024 20:42

You report physical abuse to your daughter and as a result you get a punishment...I'm shocked. .. please take this further. That's awful!

Wimberry · 04/10/2024 20:39

OP please try to see what benefit you could get from the course rather than seeing it as punishment. In my experience parenting courses are often run by experienced family workers, who have huge amounts of hands on experience with families and are very savvy. They may well be able to give you support and advice about the situation you're dealing with, and they may also be able to provide evidence for the future, if they can see that you're genuinely worried about your daughter rather than being focused on getting back at her father.

WaneyEdge · 04/10/2024 20:26

GeorgeCrabtreesAuntBegonia · 04/10/2024 12:58

Absolutely we would. Also, if there was any doubt we would always come down on the side which offered the child the most protection. There is child care law, social work practice, and common sense and you need all of that to make a good assessment. Unfortunately common sense is all too often ignored.

i retired in 2001 so a long time ago now. I can only speak about what was practiced in my area and I do appreciate that other people may have had different experiences. Fortunately we had a sensible head of department. I also wonder about the selection of social workers these days. When I trained only people 25 and over were accepted for training. It was deemed necessary that applicants had some life experience. Nowadays people can go into social work straight from university and I sincerely believe that has been to the detriment of the profession. Book learning and academia is one thing but it is no substitute for life experience. In this instance I wonder how old the social worker was who made the decision. Although social workers are accountable to their line managers the line managers have to be more careful with scrutinising the assessment. Unfortunately, due to massively increasing workloads and lack of funding this isn’t always possible, even though it should be.

I could not be a social worker these days, I’m not woke enough. It was bad enough in my day but you could argue your case strongly and not have to pussyfoot around abusers.

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You are right. I did an Access course around 20+ years ago and several students wanted to go into social work. You had to be over 25 (most were as it was generally mature students) and every single SW course at uni you had to have done some hours of voluntary work, IIRC some asked for 1500 hours with proof. I think the lowest was about 600-700.

Randa50 · 04/10/2024 18:52

Unfortunately, you can't change what place you are now you need to just suffer with possibly the same as the other parents there miffed at having to do parent course
Just humour SS keep quiet and take it as a learning curve
As for your other question be very careful what you say about the abuse to your daughter not conducted properly this could cause lasting damage

Snugglemonkey · 04/10/2024 17:35

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:08

I think that you've taken that the wrong way. I've been on here since 2011. I started to post because of the minimising of the effect on children living withDV/EA/DA. Even over the last few months I've had to ask why the OP is wanting their child to have contact with both their abuser. It wasn't court ordered, but they'd internalised this idea that two parents, at any cost, is the ideal.
OP as well as trusting you, you need to be telling her that neither you or her will ever get into trouble for telling the truth/making a allegation and that she will never be removed from your care, or you go to prison etc.

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Op cannot tell her daughter that she can never be removed from op's custody or get into trouble for telling the truth/making an allegation. It is not true unfortunately.

JohnofWessex · 04/10/2024 14:07

The comment that comes up time and time again with Social Services, and I have dealt with them professionally is lack of critical thinking and victim blaming.

You can be brave and make a formal complaint, what are the reasons for me being made to do this course? What are the issues with my parenting?

AgileGreenSeal · 04/10/2024 13:19

GeorgeCrabtreesAuntBegonia · 04/10/2024 12:58

Absolutely we would. Also, if there was any doubt we would always come down on the side which offered the child the most protection. There is child care law, social work practice, and common sense and you need all of that to make a good assessment. Unfortunately common sense is all too often ignored.

i retired in 2001 so a long time ago now. I can only speak about what was practiced in my area and I do appreciate that other people may have had different experiences. Fortunately we had a sensible head of department. I also wonder about the selection of social workers these days. When I trained only people 25 and over were accepted for training. It was deemed necessary that applicants had some life experience. Nowadays people can go into social work straight from university and I sincerely believe that has been to the detriment of the profession. Book learning and academia is one thing but it is no substitute for life experience. In this instance I wonder how old the social worker was who made the decision. Although social workers are accountable to their line managers the line managers have to be more careful with scrutinising the assessment. Unfortunately, due to massively increasing workloads and lack of funding this isn’t always possible, even though it should be.

I could not be a social worker these days, I’m not woke enough. It was bad enough in my day but you could argue your case strongly and not have to pussyfoot around abusers.

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“Absolutely we would. Also, if there was any doubt we would always come down on the side which offered the child the most protection. ”

Both of these are now the opposite.

There’s zero interest in any prior history of domestic abuse and if in doubt they perversely trust the one currently accused of abuse.

I wonder what caused the change?
Perhaps the tendency to view every non-abusive mother who raises concerns as guilty of “parental alienation”?

”Book learning and academia is one thing but it is no substitute for life experience”

totally agree- although in my experience SWs are not always very academic either.

One (very young) SW compiled a “Our Story” book for use by children in one of these situations and it is a full of inaccuracies, spelling and grammatical mistakes. Yet she’s the “professional” wherein the power resides.

It’s galling to have to kow-tow to someone who, after half an hour deems herself to have the full grasp of what’s going on, when one suspects she’s either been easily played & manipulated by a charming & accomplished liar or else is just seeing what she wants to see, ticking boxes and clearing her workload.

Either way the children continue to suffer. And will likely never disclose anything again after the punishment meted out to them by their furious father for “telling secrets” 😞